Category Archives: Murca

Jews for Jesus to Start Requiring Their Missionaries to Have Tattoos

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San Francisco, CA – While the common stereotype for Jewish people is to not have tattoos or else they can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, Jews for Jesus, the leading organization for Jewish evangelism, has never been one to follow the crowd. On the forefront of an ever changing society, JFJ has always been a pioneer in developing and executing new ideas and their latest idea will shock the entire Jewish community: mandatory tattoos for their missionaries.

“It’s a new day and we need a new way to reach as many UJs [Unsaved Jews] as we can,” said JFJ Executive Director, David Brickner. “One of our missionaries, Arielle Randle, presented a paper earlier this year at the Lausanne Consultation on Jewish Evangelism Conference of North America titled ‘Nothing New Under the Sun: What Jewish young adults today have in common with their parents’ generation and why they are just as open to the gospel.’ In it she stated, ‘Through culturally relevant methods, the gospel was brought to the hippies. Now we must bring it to the hipsters.’  I couldn’t agree with that more. The one thing every hipster has in common with other hipsters is that they all have tattoos! The best way to reach hipsters is to blend in with them; make them think we’re one of them. How do you do that? Have tattoos! So we’re starting to require our missionaries to have tattoos in order to better reach our #1 target audience: hipsters. Some of our missionaries already have tattoos, which is great. They’ll be the ones leading our sorties and other evangelistic events. Our other missionaries were given a year to comply, which I thought was adequate time to pick out a tattoo and artist. Not everyone agreed with this new policy. You’ll notice a lot of our staff have left recently. It was displeasure over this policy that they all left, but I can assure you I still stand by it 100%. It’s also a great way to weed out those who aren’t serious about sharing the gospel with hipsters. And don’t worry, we’re allowing everyone to choose their own tattoos, though we did strongly recommend they get the Shema tattooed upon their hands or as a frontlet between their eyes.”

Jews for Jesus is definitely venturing to go where no Jewish evangelist has gone before, with mandatory tattoos, but we trust that they know what they’re doing. If you’d like to help their missionaries pick out tattoos you may visit jewsforjesus.org and if you’d like to read Arielle’s entire article that this idea was based on you can find that at http://www.lcje-na.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Randle_Arielle.pdf

Messianic Synagogue Starts Bi-Organizational Pride Group

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Denver, CO – Being an active member of the Messianic Movement has enough challenges on its own when you blend in with the crowd, but some congregations have found they can’t live with themselves if they pretend like they only belong with UMJC or only belong with the MJAA. Some congregations, like Beth Yeshua, in Denver, have recognized that they need to go against the grain of Messianic society and be part of both of the main Messianic congregational organizations, lest they miss out on being true to themselves.

“There’s definitely a lot of pressure to commit to just one organization,” Congregational Rabbi Chaim Weitz explained, “But we identify with both the MJAA and the UMJC. I know there are other congregations that feel the same way, but are afraid to admit it, so I’ve started this group to support the other congregations that want to be part of both the MJAA and the UMJC and hope they’ll be able to admit to themselves that they go both ways. And it’s okay. As Messianic Jews we are constantly straddling two worlds: being Jewish and believing in Jesus. You throw in being part of both the MJAA and the UMJC to the mix and oy gevalt, you know? Your world of like minded individuals just gets even smaller. We, at Beth Yeshua, are openly bi-organizational and very proud. It’s a shame there aren’t more congregations that feel the same way. Maybe if there were, I wouldn’t have to choose between the IAMCS [MJAA] Rabbi’s conference and the UMJC Rabbi’s conference. Stop hiding your true feelings; don’t worry what other people are going to think about you if you join both organizations. God still loves you anyway. In fact, He probably loves you more if you do.”

Mazel Tov, Rabbi Weitz, on being so open and in touch with your true feelings and not pandering to societal norms. We hope this will open the door for other congregations to follow in your footsteps and come out as bi-organizational. And why not be part of both organizations anyway? They do share a Facebook profile, after all.

Summer Long Cross Organizational Overnight Camp For Messianic Youth Coming Soon

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Murca – Breaking news today, announced by The Messianic Times: An all summer long Messianic youth summer camp is coming soon. The new camp will be a joint effort between the UMJC, MJAA, Jews for Jesus, and Chosen People Ministries. Rather than send your child one week here or one week there, finally all Messianic children will be able to attend camp together, and not just for one or two weeks at a time.

The camp will be called Camp Hitlakdut, which is Hebrew for “cohesion” and will be available to campers ages 8-15, with the junior counselor program starting at 16. The four largest Messianic Jewish organizations came together and purchased nearly 400 acres of land in Pennsylvania and hope to have the camp up and running by Summer 2018. Camp Hitlakdut will be nine weeks long and will include two five week sessions that overlap one week in the middle. Each session will include four weeks of camp activities plus The YMJA conference for campers ages 13 and up. Campers under 13 will enjoy a week of daily field trips during that time. Parents can choose to send to children to one or both sessions, with a discount for attending both, as well as for sending multiple children.

Hitlakdut will draw from activities and traditions from Camp Gilgal, Camp Kesher, and Camp Or L’Dor, with new activities and traditions that every Messianic child can make together with this new program. Activities will include weekly Erev and Shacharit Shabbat services, Havdalah, and Hebrew and Israeli Dance classes, in addition to regular camp activities, such as boating, swimming, and finding your first relationship.

“Basically all of the camp directors got together and realized we could do a lot more than what we’re doing if we just pool our resources,” Former Camp Gilgal Director, Moose Garrett, explained in an interview. “We not only have the staffing to make a nine week camp happen, but between all the organizations, we actually had enough money to purchase our own property. It just makes sense. There are so many Messianic youth, we may as well just send them all together. If we want to unify the Messianic movement, the best way to do that is to teach them while they’re young. Plus, honestly, the matchmaking is a lot easier when they don’t have a lot of life experience.”

Camp Hitlakdut will cost more than the previous existing Messianic summer camps that were only 1-2 weeks each, but plenty of scholarships will be available, and, with their own property, Hitlakdut will be able to rent out their facilities to other groups throughout the year to offset some of the costs. Early bird registration should be open by the end of 2017, so start saving your Shekels now; their goal is to have 500 children registered to attend the first summer.

Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Golde Lox and the Three Shmears

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Once upon a time there was a little Jewish girl named Golde Lox that lived in Brooklyn. Like every normal Jewish person of any age, Golde Lox loved to eat. One day Golde Lox got very hungry and there was no leftover Chinese food in the fridge, so she hopped on the F Train to go off in search of food. After getting off at the 7th Ave Station, she found three adjacent bagel shops. Of course she did, this is Brooklyn, after all.

The first bagel shop, Feigel’s Bagels, was your average, run of the mill bagel shop. Golde purchased a bagel and shmear, but the bagel was entirely too soft. “Feh!” She thought. “How can they possibly think these goyshe bagels could pass? Especially in this neighborhood. What do they take me for, a shiksa? May as well go to Stop & Shop and buy a bag of Lender’s.” So she threw the bagel on the ground for some pigeons to eat and moved on to the second shop, which was called “What Does the Lox Say?”

What Does the Lox Say? was running a special on trendy rainbow bagels, so Golde purchased a rainbow bagel with a shmear, but it was hard as a rock. “Uch!” She groaned. “What is this dreck?! This feels like a foul ball from a Mets game. I could chip my tooth on this…what are these shmendriks thinking?!” So Golde stormed out, but pocketed the overly hard bagel to throw at her conference crush’s window at a later date, to get his attention.

The third shop Golde found was called “Nes Good Dough Haya Po” and was also having a special on rainbow bagels. In addition, they carried Gluten-free, organic, and non GMO bagels too. Golde opted for an organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and checked in on Facebook to receive 10% off her order, which was still $5, even after the discount. “$5 for a bagel and a shmear?! I thought this was a bagel shop, not the Dominique Ansel Kitchen! I’m starving and just want a farkakta bagel. Oy gevalt with this city!” Nevertheless, she ate the bagel and then shrieked with glee; it was not too hard, not too soft, but just right. Like a good Jewish bagel should be.

Golde hopped back on the F train to head home, her stomach and heart full; her pockets, not so much. She went to sleep and dreamed of the organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and the aptly named bagel shop on 7th ave. A good dough miracle truly did happen there.

And she lived jappily ever after.

The end.

Felt Industry Goes Under as Messianic Congregations Switch to Green Screen Graphics to Cover Up Crosses in the Churches They Rent From

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Murca – In a unanimous decision between all Messianic congregations, this week, the felt banners we have all come to know and tolerate will be going away. In an effort to keep up with technology, modern society, and all the Messianic Rabbis and Rebbetzins who also moonlight as graphic designers, Messianic congregations will be switching to green screen graphics to cover up the crosses in the churches they rent from. Using green screens will be a higher cost up front, but will allow the graphics to change from week to week, rather than staring at the same wall hanging for 40+ years. Sadly, this spells disaster for the soon to be defunct felt industry, which is single handedly supported by Messianic congregations, with their felt banners and now outdated flannel graphs.

“This is a really sad day for all of us,” says Lisa Limestone, owner of the store, Felter Skelter in Piscataway, NJ. “I’ve been in the felt business since the Jesus movement in the 70s and now I have to close up shop because Messianics are modernizing their congregations. First they put the overhead projector industry out of business when they switched to power point worship slides, and now the felt industry. Next they are probably going to announce they don’t need ram’s horns anymore, because there’s an app on their phones that will mimic a shofar sound. Don’t you understand how many rams literally live to become shofars? How many lives will you destroy; how many???”

We are sad for you, Ms. Limestone, really we are, but the times they are a changing. And so too shall the Messianic movement. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Perhaps you can make a new start teaching millennials about the good ol’ days and how the word “literally” didn’t used to mean “figuratively.” Ah, heck, millennials don’t want to learn anything. As for the rest of us, we will always remember how you felt the day your world was cut into various shaped pieces only to be sewn into something even more glorious at a later date. Godspeed, Ms. Limestone. Godspeed.

YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.

“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”

The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.

Guest Post by Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Back to the Future, and It *IS* a Shock!

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Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly of “Back to the Future” fame are currently recuperating at an undisclosed location from what they term “mega future shock.”  It seems that Brown and McFly, in their most recent adventure, visited a combined MJAA/UMJC Conference in New America city, Bernisopolis, “in the mid-distant future.” Brown said they were stunned to discover something for which no one could have been adequately prepared.

“They were all Jews!” screamed McFly, still unable to digest what he had seen. “All of them, except for some intermarrieds; they were all Jews!” At this point he became so agitated his nurse had to increase the sedatives in his drip.

Brown continued, “We never expected to encounter such a movement in crisis. The problem is that many Jews are coming to believe in Yeshua, and the movement just can’t turn them away. Everyone is getting disoriented!”

In their excursion into the future, Brown and McFly talked with Tambourina Fruma Lopez-MacGillicuddy, who is leading a protest movement, “G.U.B.G.O.D.” “Give Us Back the Good Old Days,” which insists on amending the constitutions of the Union and the Alliance to have an 85 percent Gentile, 15 percent Jewish demographic balance, “like the good old days.”

Speaking to reporters at a recent protest, she put aside her bullhorn, shouting over the crowd noises of blowing shofars and Paul Wilbur V recordings,  “I mean, O.K., for a long time we’ve known it’s the Messianic Jewish Alliance, and the Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations, but let’s get real here!  Everyone knew that what we meant by Jewish was Jewish-style. But this is ridiculous!  We’re overrun with Jews, and the attendance at our Davidic dance classes is disappearing!”

Asked if they plan to have a press conference giving further details, Brown and McFly wouldn’t say. “We’re sick of heart, and really confused. Now we’ve told you. But beyond this, it would be too dangerous to say more.”

We here at the Messianic Meow will keep you posted of further developments as, and if, they become known to us.

UMJC Votes to Consider Gentiles Human Beings

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange turn of events this week, The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations called forth an emergency meeting to vote once and for all on an important subject matter than has plagued the Messianic movement since the beginning of time: are Gentiles actually human beings or did they, in fact, descend from monsters, as our ancestors foretold?

“You know what? I’m real sick of the way Gentiles are treated in this movement!” Said former UMJC President, Rabbi Kirk Gliebe. “They only get half of a vote in the MJAA and no vote whatsoever in the YMJA. They can’t even work on the front lines of Jews for Jesus unless they’re married to a Jewish person. The UMJC is better than that! The MJAA doesn’t have to acknowledge Gentiles as humans, but we have to be the ones to set the example. We have to be a light. Monsters are people, too.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Rabbi Rich Nichol added. “Monsters have every bit of right to be here as real Jewish human beings do. Let’s stop making them drink out of separate Kiddish cups and remove the Monster mechitzas we all have in our congregations and let them be discriminated against by secular Jews and Christians for being part of the Messianic movement, like the rest of us! We’re all in this together and most of them actually work harder and contribute more to the Messianic movement than us Jews do. One of them even changed my flat tire last week so I didn’t have to call AAA!”

The vote to consider Gentiles human beings passed almost unanimously and Rich Nichol helped celebrate the victory by playing a jazz flute solo he called “The Monsters Won’t Hurt Me Because They’re on My Side.” Now we hope and pray the other organizations in the movement will read Ephesians 2:11-22 and just let everyone play together in the sandbox, as God intended. Unity is the answer. No wonder there are so many issues in the movement.