Category Archives: Murca

It Turns Out 2 Chronicles 7:14 is Not Actually About America

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2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)

With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.

It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.

I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.

So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.

 

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Trump Elected President of the United States; Israel Opens Borders to Messianic Jews for First Time in History

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Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.

“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”

Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at www.jewishagency.org/aliyah/program/8651

 

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Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth

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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.

 

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Matt Rosenberg’s Assistant Rabbi Injures Self in Freak Guitar String Changing Accident; Turns Incident Into Profit

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Seattle, WA – Last week, Aybars Uckun, Assistant Rabbi of Restoration Seattle (soon to be Yeshualand Seattle), cut his eye in a freak guitar string changing accident. What would normally be nothing to fret over became a huge ordeal that sent Aybars to the doctor and forced him to have to temporarily wear an eye patch. Fortunately, quick thinking Aybars was able to take the horrific occurrence and make it profitable for himself, in less than a week’s time.

The forlorn Aybars took his experience and is now using it to help others who may find themselves in a hazardous situation that involves changing strings on an instrument. He is now producing special ocular protection to prevent other similar injuries that he is calling “Aybars’ Eye Bars,” which is pictured below.

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“Okay, so it’s technically the VISOR that LeVar Burton wore in Star Trek, and it’s technically copyright infringement,” said Aybars in his newly released infomercial, “but the Messianic movement is much too small for anyone in the secular world to care about those minor details. Besides, I’m doing people a favor by making sure they don’t poke themselves in the eye with those dangerous guitar strings. If anything, Star Trek should be thanking me for helping guitar players live long and prosper.”

Aybars’ Eye Bars will be available at all Yeshualand gift shops, as well as Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores nationwide, to start. When asked how he was able to make all of this happen so quickly, Aybars replied, “I pulled some strings.”

 

 

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Guest Post By Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Group Calls for Return to Biblical, Not Statist or Rabbinical Weddings

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Responding to long-represented trends in the Movement, and recent societal trends, a growing group of young Messianics is calling for a repudiation of the contaminating effects of rabbinic laws and governmental interference in wedding practice.

The President of the group is Bozo Lipschitz of Congregation Davar Acher in Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho. We met him in his biblical tent, erected just outside the city limits.

“Yes, we’re following the flow of The Spirit in our movement, getting away from rabbinic interference in our religious practice. No chuppahs and crushed wine glasses for usI No Rabbis and Cantors either!  Ours is a Back to the Bible Messianic Movement, HalleluYAH! If we could free ourselves from the shackles of stupid Rabbinic Kosher laws and get back to Biblical Kosher, we can do the same about their oppressive marriage laws and get back to the Bible!”

When questioned about the current trend that has catalyzed their growing movement and its concerns, Lipschitz mentioned the impending election of Hillary Clinton, following on the heels of eight years of Barack Obama. “We see the Anti-Christ, the New World Order, and the Illuminati woven through all these Satanic politics. Everyone can see it. And we don’t want this kind of government interfering in this most personal of life events: marriage, and at its inception, our weddings. We don’t want interference from ungodly government or practices cooked up from Christ-rejecting Rabbis. HalleluYAH!”

The group is seeking to pass legislation removing the requirement of people having “statist wedding licenses.”  “We don’t need them. Abraham didn’t. Paul didn’t. Our Lord, Yeshua, didn’t, So why should we?” And in place of Rabbinic marriage rites, like chuppahs, crushed wine glasses and ketubahs, the group has begun to practice what it terms “Biblical marriage,” a counterpart of “Biblical Kosher.”

Lipschitz explains, “We follow the Biblical example of Boaz and Ruth. Biblically, when a woman crawls under a man’s blanket at his feet and he says, “Who are you?” and she tells him, that’s it!  That’s Biblical marriage!  We like to call it “B’rith Ha-Blankie.” He smiled, but he said they were entirely serious.

“It’s either this or being in bondage to Messiah-rejecting Rabbis or the New World Order. There really is no other godly choice!”

They are planning a national conference soon called “Back to the Blankie” to be in Coeur d’Alene at a date to be determined.

Joel Chernoff’s “Jew and Gentile” Deemed Culturally, Historically, and/or Aesthetically Important by Library of Congress…

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Washington DC – Joel Chernoff’s iconic song “Jew and Gentile” has been deemed culturally, historically, and/or aesthetically important by the Library of Congress. This is the first time in history any Messianic anything has achieved such an accomplishment.

The Librarian of Congress was quoted as saying, “Ya know, in a time where this country hasn’t been more divided politically since the Civil War, it’s nice to hear songs about people from different backgrounds: Jews and Gentiles, Democrats and Republicans—-coming together, in unity, to make olive oil.”

Various opinions from those on the selecting committee praised how the song’s lyrics so accurately described contemporary American viewpoints regarding the upcoming election.

Harold Rosenplaza, head of the committee, stated, “Specifically, the lyrics ‘Help us Father’ and ‘Dadadee dadadoo, dadadai dadadee, dadoododo’ brought me to tears as I was lighting my Sabbath candles.”

Joel Chernoff has not yet commented on this prestigious award. However, his secretary did mention that he was so honored about receiving the award that he now feels called back to music and has even begun production on two new albums: a collaboration album with Ted Pearce slated to be titled “Jew and Gentile” (in honor of the acclaimed song) and a joyous club zinger called “Dance With Me.”

Congrats Joel!

Meme

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The Messianic Meow in The Messianic Times

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The Messianic Meow is featured in the November/December issue of The Messianic Times! Here’s a sneak peak 🙂

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Guest Post by Matt Nadler | Leaders Debate Whether Evan McMullin’s Pro-Israel Stance is Preferable to Impending Meteor

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Leaders clashed in a sprawling, spirited discussion at the Politics and Faith: Messianic Thinkers Forum, held at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Queens, NY.  Of particular note was the keynote debate: “Pro-Israel Mormon Neoconservatism or Death by Impending Meteor?”

In this forum organized by Chosen People Ministries, Messianic leaders debated whether independent candidate for President Evan McMullin’s pro-Israel views  might, in some sense, be preferable to the apocalyptic destruction sure to be faced by all of humankind for its hedonic rebellion against The Holy One.

In favor of the motion that Evan McMullin’s measured neo-conservativism regarding Israel is preferable to a certain apocalypse were Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer and Dr. Rich Robinson.  Against the motion were Rabbis Paul Saal and Eric Tokajer.

“It is true that we all must face the Creator in the teleological summation of all things, but if I may, this is simply a red herring,” opined Mark Kinzer, speaking for the motion that between Evan McMullin’s sketched out stances supporting Israel, and a deserved apocalypse, we should choose the former, not the latter. “The fact that we must meet our maker at some point does not mean that we should simply wish for it to happen this January.”

“Evan McMullin’s views on Israel, however briefly detailed, bring two issues to the table which are important for us to understand,” explained Rich Robinson, also speaking for the motion. “First of all, he brings a deep respect to Israel’s full sovereignty and self-determination, in regards to any future negotiations or peace process. Second of all, being a sane man, with respect to his position on Israel and foreign policy in general, it is unlikely that he would do anything which would intentionally usher in some of the more problematic events spoken of in the Hazon of Yochanon.”

Arguing against Evan McMullin’s approach to foreign policy, and Israel in particular, Rabbi Saal argued, “This is a year of paradigm shifts. As you know, every year prior to this year is a year in which we have not ushered in the deserved destruction of our species. This is a year to live dangerously. This is the paradigm for our time.”  Before a highly engaged audience, he continued in his now trademarked rhyming cadence, “You tell me what all those ‘hashtag SMOD 2016’ memes mean if not the meanest of the mean, you know what I mean?”

Rabbi Eric Tokajer explained that there was nothing to add to this matter, as it had already been settled in the respective Republican and Democratic primaries.  “SMOD to all, and to all a goodnight,” he calmly concluded.

At the conclusion of the forum, the consensus of those in attendance was that both sides had won, and that there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind. The topic of whether there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind is now the scheduled theme for next year’s Messianic Thinkers Forum, to be held in Irvine, California, in October of 2017.