Category Archives: Women

Worship Leader High Fived for Covering Up Rape in Congregation

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Amarillo, TX — Alarming news from Messianic Congregation Tikvat Shalom in Amarillo, TX, after a worship leader was rewarded with a high five for sweeping a rape under the rug. Jenny Morgandorfer, who plays guitar and sings with the worship band every Shabbat, was out to lunch with another congregant, who informed Jenny that she had been raped by a member of the prayer team, after giving him a ride home last week, and was too afraid to go to the police. Jenny advised her she did the right thing by not going to the police, as it’s best to keep things quiet in this situation. The man was already on the national sex offender registry, and reporting this to the police would send him to jail. Not wanting to lose him from the prayer team or let anyone find out that he is already a sex offender, Miss Morgandorfer went directly to Rabbi Milt Schwartzberg to apprise him of the situation, at which point Schwartzberg high fived Morgandorfer for the decision she made at how to handle the quandary.

“She dun good,” Rabbi Milt said to himself, in his own head. “She dun real good. Look, when it all comes down to it, this is the Bible Belt. And not only is it the Bible Belt, we’re a Messianic congregation. It doesn’t matter what’s actually happening within these walls, it only matters what appears to be happening to the rest of the Messianic movement. If the wider community doesn’t see us as spotless, then we’re doing something very very wrong. Nevermind if we’re actually doing something wrong; I just want to be able to make it look like everything is okay when I see my peers at the conferences we attend together. And anyway, Yeshua said, ‘Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.’ And they’re all sinners too, so who are they to judge us? Who is anyone to judge us? We’re fine. It’s fine. This is all fine.”

At press time, Tikvat Shalom continues to operate under the pretense that everything is okay, and all attendees of their congregation have done no wrong and have experienced or caused no trauma.

 

 

*******If you know of any affiliated Messianic Congregations where some or all of the leadership is covering up rape or any other kind of sexual, physical, spiritual, verbal, or other type of abuse directed at you or anyone else, and you are not comfortable reporting it yourself, let us know and we’ll report it to the affiliated organization for you.*******

Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

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Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

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IHOP Reveals New Name Actually Stands For ‘International House of Brit Milot’

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Glendale, CA — After 60 years in business as IHOP, the International House of Pancakes announced this week it will be changing its name to IHOb, but has kept the new official name under wraps. Though most suspect the “b” will stand for ‘breakfast,’ IHOP has finally broken its silence and revealed it will actually stand for ‘Brit Milot,” which is the Hebrew term for male circumcision. On the heels of the movement of women gunning for public breastfeeding to be widely acceptable, one of America’s favorite breakfast chains is ready to see your half naked women and raise you fully naked babies.

“We’ve always been considered a Johnny-come-lately to Denny’s and it was time to take a drastic measure to really put us on the map,” IHOb’s VP of Marketing, J. Russell Findlay, posted on Facebook. “I know this is an extreme change, but we are very pleased to announce, that starting next week, each IHOb location will have a Mohel on hand, ready and available to perform table side circumcisions while you eat. Since food is a large part of the Jewish ceremony of male circumcision, you can now kill two birds with one stone, with food already on site. The idea came to me after watching my favorite movie, ‘Austin Powers in Goldmember.’ There is a scene where Goldmember is offering Austin Powers a ‘shmoke anna bancake’ or ‘smoke and a pancake’ and I thought, ‘That’s brilliant!’ But smoking in restaurants is outlawed in most states, so I had to come up with a plan B…a literal plan B. We can’t exactly offer a smoke and a pancake, but we can offer a schmecke and a pancake! So here we are. Am I Jewish? No; I just really like the word ‘schmecke.’”

Those that were expecting IHOP’s new name to emphasize more breakfast items than just pancakes have been sorely mistaken; no pun intended. If you’d like to make a reservation for the new Brit Milot services, simply contact your nearest IHOb and ask for the circumcision special. Come for the pancakes, stay to get your foreskin cut off.

 

 

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Pre-MLR Will Make Its Re-Branding Debut This Weekend as ‘MLR Jr.’

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Phoenix, AZ — The 10th annual Messianic Leadership Roundtable will take place this weekend, starting with what was formerly known as “Pre-MLR.” Pre-MLR is the day before MLR and is geared toward the next generation of Messianic leaders. MLR is the only leadership conference in the entire Messianic movement that brings together leaders from every major Messianic Organization and allows them to be in a controlled environment with plenty of security officers to prevent them from killing each other.

“Originally, this year’s MLR was going to be an African Safari in Kenya, but due to rising costs, we very unfortunately had to cancel that trip and move the conference back to Phoenix,” explained Jewish Voice and Messianic Movement President Jonathan Bernis. “Since this is our 10th MLR, we still wanted to do something to make the 2018 conference stand out. It was always our intention to change the name of Pre-MLR. That name was temporary until we could come up with a better one, and I really think we have a winner with ‘MLR Jr.’ it’s got a much nicer ring to it, and it also describes what the event actually is: a day for the youngsters. And I know those youngsters love catchy names they can pound sign on Instatwitter. So make sure you pound sign MLR Jr this year if you’re attending. And if you’re not attending, it’s only because you weren’t important enough to be invited. I’m looking at you, Messianic Meow! But I digress. Seriously though, pound sign MLR Jr. I’m not quite sure exactly what that does, but Matt Rosenberg told me it was a thing.”

If you’d like to be invited to MLR/ MLR Jr in the future, you may want to consider becoming a Rabbi. Most the MJAA and UMJC congregations in the U.S. are ready to start training up their next Rabbi, and it could be you…unless you’re a woman!

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The Messianic Meow Radio Interview on Bagels and Blessings

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Jami is going to be interviewed on the Messianic Radio show “Bagels and Blessings” this coming Saturday, September 2nd. The show will begin at 2pm ET/1pm CT, with the interview starting around 2:30pm ET/1:30pm CT. If you are in the Rochester/Buffalo/Toronto area you can listen in on your local WDCX station, otherwise you can listen live at www.wdcxradio.com!

Guest Post by Anonymous | MJAA Announces New Attempt to Sorta Organize the Teaching Sessions at Messiah 2018

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Grantham, PA — Fresh off a highly successful Messiah 2017 conference, the MJAA is proud to announce a new structure for the adult morning sessions to take place at Messiah 2018. In addition to being presented in the typical grid format, the classes will now be organized into tracks, to assist attendees in selecting classes best suited to them.

“I’m excited about the new track structure,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “It’s difficult for many people to select classes which meet their needs and interests. The message titles are only so useful, even when the speakers stick with their stated topic. But we were discussing the problem in one of our secret leaders’ lunches this year, and we realized that most speakers just do the same thing every year anyway, so why not group them accordingly?”

“Titles are hard,” added Rabbi David Chernoff. “We used to provide summaries in the booklet, but knowing what you want to talk about in advance, choosing a title, describing it…it was an impossible task. My wife, Debbie, has done a ‘For Women Only’ session for years to avoid having to come up with a title, but we can’t all do that. I’ve considered doing a ‘For Cool People Only’ session, but the fundamentals of our faith are probably more important.”

The current plan divides the sessions into three tracks. Fundamentals of Biblical Judaism will be primarily for those new to the conference or seeking to learn more about Messianic Judaism and the MJAA, and will include excellent foundational teachings from Messianic leaders such as Rabbis David Chernoff, Jeff Forman, Charlie Kluge, and Michael Wolf. “I feel that my class on the MJAA’s ministry is very important to provide to the newcomers at Messiah,” said MJAA General Secretary, Joel Chernoff. “Not only do people need to catch the Messianic vision, but they also need to understand precisely how many additional water wells the MJAA has built this past year in Ethiopia and watch a special video of me taking a drink from each one. Seeing me drink from every single well really helps people connect to the ministry.”

The second track will be the Conference Veteran track, aimed at those who have already mastered the FBJ material over several previous years.  Speakers will include Debbie Chernoff, Michael Rydelnik, Rachel Wolf, Jeffrey Seif, and an optional specialization for those who wish to major in Rosenberg.  Like the FBJ track, the classes will be intentionally scheduled to avoid overlaps in the same time slot. “I’ve been making fewer handouts in the past years, since I’m always scheduled at the same time as Debbie Chernoff,” said Dr. Michael Rydelnik. “I’m glad to know we’ll be sparing attendees that difficult decision of choosing between us in the future.”

The final track, titled “Blow A Shofar In Zion,” will be designed for those interested in right-wing politics, unscientific nutritional advice, apocalyptic analysis of regularly occurring phenomena, exhaustive search techniques to dig up any hints of Jewish ancestry, and overly simplistic explanations of prophetic mysteries. The track will also introduce a new class, titled “18 Reasons Why The World Will End In 2018” (which will be updated for Messiah 2019, should the need arise). Blow A Shofar in Zion track participants will also have exclusive access to a Cultural Center showcase exhibiting every product which was ever invented in Israel. Ever.

A fourth track, tentatively titled “Virgin Daughters of Zion,” may be included for those seeking a spouse. It would include classes on developing your “Jew-dar,” the roles of men and women in marriage, and how to convince your significant other to move to your city so that your Rabbi supports the relationship. Additional track-specific activities have been proposed, including singles-only schmooze times (which are not “open to all”), speed “intentional friending,” and opportunities for private consultation with Hope Edelstein.

The MJAA has also announced several new afternoon workshops at Messiah 2018, including Introduction to Interpretive Dance, Overwhelmingly Anointed Prayer, Davidic Harp-Carving (bring your own log), and How to Know You’re Called to Make Aliyah When Your Rabbi Says No.

You can register now for Messiah 2018 at http://mjaa.org/messiah18 to set up a prepayment plan with a 10% discount.  You won’t want to miss this one, just in case the world really does end.

 

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

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Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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