Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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Restoration Seattle Will Be Absorbed by Fourth Yeshualand Location

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Seattle, WA – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week the fourth Yeshualand theme park will be opening just outside of Seattle, in an undisclosed location. Yeshualand Seattle will be joining the rapidly expanding chain, following Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona, and Yeshualand Moon. Yeshualand Seattle will be unique in that it will be absorbing local Messianic congregation, Restoration Seattle.

“Changing the name of a congregation goes against everything I believe in,” Rabbi Matt Rosenberg posted on Facebook, “but J. Bern convinced me it was the right thing to do…for the good of all the tourists in Seattle. What better way to win hearts for Yeshua than to actually have a Shabbat service for people who are just hanging out at a theme park? It’s actually pretty awesome. Can’t argue with The Bern. #YeshualandSeattle #Seattle #happyrabbi #jvmi #TheBern #RestorationApp #donotfear #themepark #awesome #rollercoasters #cantwait #soexcited #thiswillbeawesome #soawesome #awesome”

In addition to a synagogue in the middle of it, Yeshualand Seattle will have similar attractions to its Ethiopia and Arizona counterparts, but will also have four Whirlyball courts, a funicular, and ironically, a Restoration Hardware that will pay homage to the soon to be former Restoration Seattle. The whole theme park will be made in a retractable dome, so that rain, snow, and other elements will not affect the park’s hours and allow Yeshualand Seattle to remain open year round. In addition, Yeshualand Seattle will have a show featuring The Rock-a fire Explosion: the animatronic band, formerly of Showbiz Pizza, which would later become Chuck E. Cheese’s. Rock-a fire Explosion will be programmed to perform the greatest hits of the classic Messianic band, Lamb. Yeshualand will also finally be introducing their first mascot; Joyful Joe Miterko will be walking around the park as “Mr. Yeshualand.”

Yeshualand Seattle is set to open early to mid 2017, and, according to Bernis, will most likely be the last location to open for quite a while. To track progress of Restoration’s transition into Yeshualand Seattle, please visit shalomseattle.com

Sesame Workshop to Begin Production on New Messianic Jewish Version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street”

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New York City, NY – Sesame Workshop announced this week it will begin production on its 40th co-production, which will be a Messianic Jewish incarnation called Tahini Street. Tahini Street will draw influence from both its Israeli and American Jewish counterparts, Rechov SumSum and Shalom Sesame, as well as American Messianic Jewish culture. Favorite characters appearing in the show will include Elmo, Moishe Oofnik, and Kippi Ben Kippod, as well as newcomer native Chicagoan Muppets Goldie and Shlomo, and humans, such as Azee the Clown and The Great Benafuchi. Topics covered on the show will include eating, laughing, matchmaking, and conferencing. Special guests that have signed on to appear so far are Joel Chernoff, Stuart Dauermann, Jonathan Cahn, and Susan Perlman.

Some Hebrew lessons will be included, however they will only be transliterated into English, rather than shown with the characters of the Alef-Bet, and will be taught using a flannelgraph. Messianic dancing will also be demonstrated on the show and performed to classic songs such as “Rubber Ducky Lai Lai Lai” and “C is for Challah.” Proper shofar etiquette will be stressed throughout the season, in addition to lessons on what it means to have a Jewish heart and why it’s okay for gentiles to attend and fully participate in a Messianic congregation.

Tahini Street will be available as an app for both iPad/iPhone and Android, so children can watch during screen time. The show will be funded as a joint effort between MJAA, UMJC, JFJ, CPM, JVMI, TLV, and The Messianic Times. Please consider donating to one of these fine organizations to keep Tahini Street in production.

Messianic Musicians Come Together to Record Song to Raise Funds for Repeated Droughts in Israel

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Murca – Nearly every recording artist in the Messianic movement has come together, in the style of live aid, to record a song to raise funds for the repeated droughts in Israel. In America, we pray for rain to stop, but in Israel they pray for it to start; perspective. The song “It Shall Rain Over All the Earth” was recorded over the course of two months and is expected to be released between Sukkot and Passover, when God causes the wind to blow and the rain to fall.

The cavalcade of Messianic stars includes the following artists: Corry Bell, Ted Pearce, Joel Chernoff, Paul Wilbur, Marty Goetz, Jamie Hilsden, Shai Sol, Deborah Kline-Iatorno, Jeremiah & Hannah Zaretsky, Alumni from ‘Yeladim for Yeshua’ and ‘You Gotta Jump,’ former members of The Liberated Wailing Wall, former members of Blue Mosaic, The Havdalah Spice Girls (Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf), Nate Benjamin, Roman & Alaina, Jonathan Settel, Rabbi Jan Rosenberg, Matt Gliebe and Kimi Moore Padrick (NAVI), Isaac Faraco (How to Fly), Joshua Aaron, Dr Greg Silverman, Eric & Joanne Kragenbrink, Judah & Jennifer Morrison, Barry & Batya Segal, Kaily Teeter, and Margaret Alexander. There will also be a special rap verse by Hazakim, Jeremiah Kaufman, and Aviad Cohen.

The new single will be available on iTunes, mjaa.org, umjc.org, jewsforjesus.org, and jewishvoice.org for $10 and 100% of proceeds will go towards helping make it rain in Israel. The group calls themselves “It’s Raining Mensches” and hopes to be able to perform together at AMF 2.0.

Jonathan Bernis Announces Third Yeshualand Location Will Be on the Moon

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced today that the third location of Yeshualand will be on the Moon. The announcement came one day after Chosen People Ministries announced they would be holding Muchan 2020 on the Moon. The announcement was a bit of a shock, and also sort of not.

“I’ve actually had this in the works for quite a while,” Bernis stated in an early morning press conference. “I wasn’t planning to announce this just yet, but yesterday’s announcement from Chosen People left me with no choice. Come on, Chosen People, you’re not pioneers in the Moon industry; I am! By the time you have your conference four years from now we’ll have an entire Messianic colony set up there. I think ‘RK’ spoke a little too soon yesterday when he said, and I quote, ‘Not even Jonathan Bernis has done anything with the Moon before.’ Really, RK? Clearly you were underestimating my resources.”

Yeshualand Moon will have select features and attractions from both Yeshualand Ethiopia and Yeshualand Arizona, as well as new features such as a gravity simulator, an all you can eat cheese bar, scales to tell you how much you weigh, and the first lunar Brews for Jesus Cafe.

No word yet on when Yehsualand Moon will open, though it appears it will most likely be before the end of 2020. We are still awaiting word on how people will actually get there, though both Chosen People and Jonathan Bernis insist that it’s definitely going to happen. Stay tuned for more word on the future of Messianic space travel.

Jonathan Bernis Confirms Second Yeshualand Location Will Be in Arizona

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Phoenix, AZ – After much speculation about the new Messianic Jewish theme park Yeshualand potentially opening a location near Phoenix, Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International has confirmed that there will, in fact, be a Yeshualand location opening in Arizona, just in time for holiday vacations in December.

After months of searching, Bernis says they were finally able to secure nearly 400 acres of land about an hour outside of Phoenix. In addition to all the great features of Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona will have new rides and attractions, including The Mikveh Machine, a quicksand pit, The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o, and a giant lego firewalk.

The theme park will also have extra stages and a campground in the hopes that AMF 2.0 will choose to hold their event there, as they can technically hold it in Arizona and still be called “AMF.” At the very least, Bernis hopes The Havdalah Spice Girls will have a residency at the park. Bernis said the campground will also be a haven for travelers during Sukkot, starting in 2017, and said those wishing to build their Sukkahs there will get a special discount, in addition to a Sukkah building contest and other fun activities specific to the holiday.

Additionally, there will also be a one of a kind bible themed McDonald’s that will offer such items as Jonah and the Filet-O-Fish, Adam’s McBeefRib, the McYeshua, and the Big Maccabee. Bernis believes that having The Golden Arches on premises will attract the annual Golden ARCH Leadership Summit to Arizona, rather than holding the event at the ever unpopular Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando.

Annual passes to Yeshualand Arizona will be available to the public starting in November and will start at $1800 per family up to six; quite a metziah! Stay tuned for more information about Yeshualand Arizona and other locations to come.

MLR 2017 Will Be An African Safari in Kenya

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week that the Messianic Leadership Roundtable (MLR) will be held in the African nation of Kenya in 2017 and will partly take place during an African Safari. The annual conference brings together Rabbis and other leaders from all organizations of the Messianic movement and, other than the upcoming Conference Conference and AMF 2.0, is the only true non partisan Messianic conference.

“The 2017 MLR will be the 10th annual conference and we want to do something special to commemorate the milestone,” Bernis stated in a recent YouTube video. “The MLR is normally in Phoenix, where Jewish Voice is headquartered, but we did hold the conference on a cruise last year and it was a big hit. So I had to think, how can I top that for our big 10th anniversary leadership extravaganza? And then it hit me…an African safari! It’s perfect. What better way to learn how to lead a congregation than by gazing at God’s great glory that is wildlife in its natural habitat? And anybody that would like to stay in Africa a little bit longer can bring their name tag from the conference into my new theme park, Yeshualand, for half price admission and a free refillable giraffe shaped soda cup!”

The MLR seeks to promote unity and fellowship among leaders called to Jewish ministry and is open to any leader of a Messianic congregation, para-congregational ministry, or pastor of a church that provides a Jewish ministry within the church. For more information about the MLR please visit www.jewishvoice.org/mlr/

UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference and, therefore, cannot be referred to as a non partisan Messianic conference.

Jonathan Bernis Set to Open New Messianic Jewish Themed Amusement Park in Ethiopia

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week he would be opening the first ever Messianic Jewish theme park. The aptly named “Yeshualand” will span 300 acres and be located in Gondar, Ethiopia. “I’m very pleased with this project,” Bernis said in a recent press conference. “We broke ground earlier this year and the park should be open soon. Yeshualand will greatly help stimulate the economy of Ethiopia. We’re only going to be hiring locals and the revenue produced from Yeshualand will enable us to open a hospital in Gondar, as well as provide clean water to all of the surrounding areas.”

Yeshualand will boast 13 roller coasters, five stages, three children’s areas, countless games, and over 45 different restaurants and food stands. For the MJAA Rabbis there will be an old-timey ice cream shoppe, for the UMJC Rabbis there will be a cigar bar, and if you need to get between them, there will be a monorail that runs solely on the energy exuded from Rabbi Kokeb Gedamu.

Of the 13 roller coasters, one will have a world record number of loops. At one point it will even feel like you’ve been turned upside down for seven years. Just when you think it can’t turn you upside down again, it does. This roller coaster will simply be named “Messianic Judaism.”

Yeshualand is planning their Grand Opening for August 14th, 2016. For more information about Yeshualand and the humanitarian work Jewish Voice Ministries International does in Ethiopia and other African nations please visit jewishvoice.org