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Category Archives: Jewish Culture
The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!
With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.
Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.
How to play:
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”
•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage
•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair
•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you
•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:
-One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take
an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from
The Falcon
-Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes
-You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be
included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario
•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class
•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together
•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it
•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens
•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf
•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi
•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference
•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit
•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting
•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced
•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance
•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English
•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult
•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band
•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”
•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry
•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible
•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story
•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done
•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year
Our favorite mocktail recipes:
Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary
1 glass of tomato juice
1 stalk of celery
Ice (optional)
Virgin Mojitoseph Project
1 oz fresh lime juice
2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar
1 cup crushed ice
12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs
1 oz club soda
1 old lamb
Virgin White Russian Jew
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 oz cold brew coffee
1 jar of gefilte fish
Ice
Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach
1 oz peach juice
3 oz orange juice
3 oz cranberry juice
1 One piece bathing suit
The YMJA
Hummus
Chocolate milk
Fruit roll ups
Doritos
The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union
Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye
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IHOP Reveals New Name Actually Stands For ‘International House of Brit Milot’
Glendale, CA — After 60 years in business as IHOP, the International House of Pancakes announced this week it will be changing its name to IHOb, but has kept the new official name under wraps. Though most suspect the “b” will stand for ‘breakfast,’ IHOP has finally broken its silence and revealed it will actually stand for ‘Brit Milot,” which is the Hebrew term for male circumcision. On the heels of the movement of women gunning for public breastfeeding to be widely acceptable, one of America’s favorite breakfast chains is ready to see your half naked women and raise you fully naked babies.
“We’ve always been considered a Johnny-come-lately to Denny’s and it was time to take a drastic measure to really put us on the map,” IHOb’s VP of Marketing, J. Russell Findlay, posted on Facebook. “I know this is an extreme change, but we are very pleased to announce, that starting next week, each IHOb location will have a Mohel on hand, ready and available to perform table side circumcisions while you eat. Since food is a large part of the Jewish ceremony of male circumcision, you can now kill two birds with one stone, with food already on site. The idea came to me after watching my favorite movie, ‘Austin Powers in Goldmember.’ There is a scene where Goldmember is offering Austin Powers a ‘shmoke anna bancake’ or ‘smoke and a pancake’ and I thought, ‘That’s brilliant!’ But smoking in restaurants is outlawed in most states, so I had to come up with a plan B…a literal plan B. We can’t exactly offer a smoke and a pancake, but we can offer a schmecke and a pancake! So here we are. Am I Jewish? No; I just really like the word ‘schmecke.’”
Those that were expecting IHOP’s new name to emphasize more breakfast items than just pancakes have been sorely mistaken; no pun intended. If you’d like to make a reservation for the new Brit Milot services, simply contact your nearest IHOb and ask for the circumcision special. Come for the pancakes, stay to get your foreskin cut off.
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Chocolate Omer Calendars Now Available in the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop
Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.
“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”
The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!
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We’ve moved!!
We’ve moved!!! You can now find us on the web at www.messianiccomedy.com !! We will begin selling ad space after Shavuot 
Jewish Millennial Literally Dies After Finding Out She Can’t Have Kombucha During Passover
Denver, CO — For most Jews, Passover is a time to reflect on God rescuing our people from slavery in Egypt. Though Passover shares a common theme with all Jewish holidays: they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat. Because of this, Passover revolves around food, and for some, the food we eat during Passover, especially home Seders, has become a big foodie paradise. Unfortunately, first world tragedy struck over the weekend as a young Jew found out the hard way that not all of her favorites belong at a Seder.
“I was so excited to share my homemade Kombucha with everyone at Seder this weekend,” says 27 year old Tamar Schwartz. “It was my first batch that I was going public with. I brought it to Seder and then my Rabbi told me Kombucha isn’t Kosher for Passover…what??? It’s because there’s yeast in it. I literally died when he told me that. Like, I seriously cannot even. Why me??? I worked so hard on making this Kombucha. I understand there’s yeast in it now and we can’t have yeast during Passover, but the nerve of him. Why can’t he just thank me for all my hard work and for actually bringing something to share with everyone? This is just so unfair.”
Sadly, thousands of millennials literally die everyday from first world problems, but the real problem here is thinking that being excited about something trumps the dietary restrictions of our people. Make sure you check every ingredient before making any assumptions. It’s not hard to rise to the occasion.
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Brief Half-Page Hanukkah Sermon Miraculously Lasts for Eight-Week Message Series
Philadelphia, PA – The season of Hanukkah may be long past for most of us, but at Congregation Beth Yeshua in Philadelphia the holiday has lasted far longer. This weekend, Rabbi David Chernoff delivered the final installment of a Hanukkah a message series based on a mere half page of notes that seemed as though it would barely last for a single service.
“It truly is a Hanukkah miracle,” said Rabbi David. “I searched through the Word of God for hours, looking for a new message to give during the Hanukkah service. In the end, I was only able to come up with about half a page of notes. I would have considered myself incredibly blessed if I’d been able to make it last 10 minutes, but here we are eight weeks later and I only reached the end this weekend.
The message started out as a rather typical sermon, focused on dedicating your life to the Lord. But a couple of minutes in, witnesses say, something truly remarkable happened. “Shortly after he started,” recalled long-time congregation member Nate Yesner, “he decided to tell a story about a personal experience that vaguely related to the topic at hand. It seemed like a pretty standard Rabbi David tangent at first –- we usually get one or two of them per service. But then, as he was telling the story, it started reminding him of other aspects he wanted to talk about, which led to another tangent, which led to more new elements to the message. He must have run at least 20 minutes late, and he still hadn’t even gotten to the first point on his notes.”
At the end of the service, the Rabbi promised to conclude the message the following week. However, by the time the next Shabbat arrived he had supplemented the scant half page of initial notes with five full pages of addenda, and it quickly became clear that it would take far more than a single service to wrap things up. By the time the message series finally grew to a close this weekend, the annotations had expanded to more than a dozen pages.
“It really is amazing,” said Rabbi David. “To be perfectly honest, I was pretty much running on empty in terms of message ideas. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do after the Hanukkah message. But God took a tiny amount of material, only enough for a single service, and made it last for eight full services until new message ideas could be produced. Even this past weekend, when it looked like I was going to come up a little short with the remaining Hanukkah material, The Lord provided an Eagles Super Bowl victory that I was able to tie in to fill the rest of the time.”
As for what he expects to do for messages now that the series is finally over, Rabbi David says he has a few ideas. “Once I saw that this message was finally wrapping up I started brainstorming, and I think I’ve got a few viable concepts. For now, though, it’s been a while since I spent a service updating everyone on the status of the new building. After that it’ll be time for a Purim message, and if that goes anything like Hanukkah I can ride it straight into Passover.”
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NEW for 2018: The Messianic Zodiac!
We all know horoscopes and the zodiac come from Satan himself, but if we make our own then it’s okay! So without further ado here is the all new Messianic Zodiac. Simply look up the year you were born and find out all about your life!
•The year of the Shofar:
1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020, 2032
You are stubborn and love free food. People tend to abuse you, especially when they are trying to impress a crowd. Don’t hide your talents from the world, but don’t let people use them incorrectly either.
•The year of the Hummus:
1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021, 2033
You are stubborn and love free food. Keep that garlic breath to yourself, especially when on a date with someone you met online.
•The year of the Bagel:
1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022, 2034
You are stubborn and love free food. You are crusty on the outside and empty on the inside. Try filling that void with Yeshua.
•The year of the Matzah Ball Soup:
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023, 2035
You are stubborn and love free food. You are warm and comfort those around you when they are sick. Sometimes you will float and sometimes you will sink, but either way, you will always prevent people from pooping when they consume high doses of you.
•The year of the Kugel:
1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024, 2036
You are stubborn and love free food. You stand on your own without adding any unnecessary accoutrements, like raisins. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
•The year of the Vegetable Spring Rolls:
1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025, 2037
You are stubborn and love free food. Word on the street is you are so much better than your pork-filled counterparts. You’re most popular on Christmas.
•The year of the Joel Chernoff:
1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026, 2038
You are stubborn and love free food. You are full of lais, but where would we be without you? Probably in the UMJC.
•The year of the Challah:
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027, 2039
You are stubborn and love free food. Gluten is so last year and so are those shoes you still wear to Shul every week. Try getting a personal shopper or a stylist.
•The year of the felt banner that covers up the cross in the sanctuary of the church you rent from:
1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028, 2040
You are stubborn and love free food. You’re not fooling anyone by covering up your secrets. We know. We all know.
•The year of the Belt Loop Tzit-Tzit:
1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029, 2041
You are stubborn and love free food. Some people have you wrapped around their finger, while others keep you in their pocket. Don’t worry if people tell you you are not as important as head-coverings. They don’t care much for fringe benefits.
•The year of the Manischewitz Wine:
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030, 2042
You are stubborn and love free food. You are way too sweet for most people, but nonetheless you are a timeless classic. We can always count on you to stick around through the ages.
•The year of the Conference:
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031, 2043
You are stubborn and love free food. There’s sure a lot of you to go around, but without you, life as we know it would crumble.
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Church Potlucks vs. Synagogue Potlucks: A Holiday Guide For Those Who Are Straddling Two Worlds
With Chanukah and Christmas approaching, if you attend religious services somewhere, you are bound to have at least one potluck to attend in the near future. If you’re reading this, I would assume that, like me, you have spent at least part of your life bouncing back and forth between synagogues and churches. Maybe you’re unsatisfied with your local Messianic congregation, maybe you didn’t discover Messianic Judaism until later in life and are struggling with where you fit in, or maybe you are in a relationship where one of you is Jewish and the other is not. Whatever the case may be, you know that churches and synagogues, regardless of the sect or denomination, are vastly different from each other.
Though all four of my Grandparents were Jewish and my DNA test came up approximately 98.5% Ashkenazi, I was raised in a very Gentile area. Being Jewish in Mundelein was like being gay in 1953. You probably weren’t the only one, but nobody talked about it. And if you did talk about it, you were treated like you had Leprosy. So it was much easier to go to church and live my life as a Christian. It wasn’t until I was well into college that I found my way back to Messianic Judaism. And even then, I spent quite a while going back and forth between synagogues and churches. Because of this, I have been able to observe many potlucks, in both types of settings, and I am going to share with you what I’ve learned from these experiences:
When it comes to church potlucks, mayonnaise is key. That’s right; mayonnaise. Gentiles love mayonnaise based dishes. It doesn’t matter if it’s chicken, potatoes, macaroni, or old shoe laces. If it’s swimming in mayonnaise, they will eat that #@%! up. And by eat it up, I mean figuratively, of course. Don’t expect any food you bring to a church potluck to actually get eaten, despite the fact that you don’t have to worry about picky people, like you would at a Jewish potluck. Gentiles love to talk about eating food more than they actually love eating it. As a Jew, I can’t figure this one out, but we’ll get to that later. I’ve been to many a Gentile potluck and only once have I had something completely finished off, and that is my ‘Magic Guacamole.’ (And don’t think you’re getting the recipe, because that one’s gonna cost you). Everything else has no more than a few bites taken out of it, by the time the event ends. It doesn’t matter how good it is, how much people tell me they love it, or how much effort I put into it, it will not get eaten. I’ve given up. Why should I put effort into making food for people that won’t eat it? The last time I went to a potluck at a church I wound up just bringing a tub of cookie dough and stuck a few spoons in it. It was just as big of a hit, and I didn’t care as much when it didn’t get eaten.
Jewish potluck culture is pretty much the exact opposite of church potluck culture. First of all, every single person at a Synagogue or other Jewish function’s potluck is lactose intolerant, or can’t have gluten, or is allergic to something else, and everyone is incredibly picky and has certain things they absolutely will not eat. On top of this, you have varying levels of Kosher observances. Most Jews do not eat pork or shellfish, some will not mix meat and dairy, some will only eat food that is Kosher certified. Oy, there is so much to remember. Despite this, you can rest assured that your food will be eaten and you will not bring home anything more than a dirty dish. Unless of course what you made was terrible. In which case, I suggest you just stop at the store and pick something up before hand next time, instead of making it yourself. I have also been to many Jewish potlucks and I have never once brought home leftovers, which is amazing, because to a Jew, it is a great insult when people do not eat our food. There was once an almost of leftovers, however, when I brought a double batch of my mandel bread to a mezuzah hanging, but people found Ziploc bags and took the leftovers home with them! My synagogue has also started providing to-go boxes for everyone after the Yom Kippur break-fast. The only thing Jews love more than fresh food is leftovers. And, remember, the theme of every Jewish holiday is, “They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.” I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a Jewish function that didn’t revolve around food. Weddings, funerals. In fact, most Messianic synagogues even serve food after all of their services, including on Shabbat. And, from personal experience, I even gain weight during Yom Kippur, which involves a 25 hour fast, because it begins and ends with stuffing your face!
In summation:
•Church potlucks: They say they will eat anything, especially if it’s got mayonnaise in it, but they don’t actually eat anything after all
•Synagogue potlucks: Work around food allergies and dietary restrictions and all of your food will be eaten
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