Category Archives: Conference Crushes

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Golde Lox and the Three Shmears

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Once upon a time there was a little Jewish girl named Golde Lox that lived in Brooklyn. Like every normal Jewish person of any age, Golde Lox loved to eat. One day Golde Lox got very hungry and there was no leftover Chinese food in the fridge, so she hopped on the F Train to go off in search of food. After getting off at the 7th Ave Station, she found three adjacent bagel shops. Of course she did, this is Brooklyn, after all.

The first bagel shop, Feigel’s Bagels, was your average, run of the mill bagel shop. Golde purchased a bagel and shmear, but the bagel was entirely too soft. “Feh!” She thought. “How can they possibly think these goyshe bagels could pass? Especially in this neighborhood. What do they take me for, a shiksa? May as well go to Stop & Shop and buy a bag of Lender’s.” So she threw the bagel on the ground for some pigeons to eat and moved on to the second shop, which was called “What Does the Lox Say?”

What Does the Lox Say? was running a special on trendy rainbow bagels, so Golde purchased a rainbow bagel with a shmear, but it was hard as a rock. “Uch!” She groaned. “What is this dreck?! This feels like a foul ball from a Mets game. I could chip my tooth on this…what are these shmendriks thinking?!” So Golde stormed out, but pocketed the overly hard bagel to throw at her conference crush’s window at a later date, to get his attention.

The third shop Golde found was called “Nes Good Dough Haya Po” and was also having a special on rainbow bagels. In addition, they carried Gluten-free, organic, and non GMO bagels too. Golde opted for an organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and checked in on Facebook to receive 10% off her order, which was still $5, even after the discount. “$5 for a bagel and a shmear?! I thought this was a bagel shop, not the Dominique Ansel Kitchen! I’m starving and just want a farkakta bagel. Oy gevalt with this city!” Nevertheless, she ate the bagel and then shrieked with glee; it was not too hard, not too soft, but just right. Like a good Jewish bagel should be.

Golde hopped back on the F train to head home, her stomach and heart full; her pockets, not so much. She went to sleep and dreamed of the organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and the aptly named bagel shop on 7th ave. A good dough miracle truly did happen there.

And she lived jappily ever after.

The end.

True Life: I’m a Conference Junkie

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Conferences are a common occurrence in the Messianic movement and a great way to connect with other Messianics around the world, but what if you scheduled your entire life around them? On this episode of True Life, you’ll meet three young people who are struggling to balance real life while attending as many Messianic conferences as they can.

Stephanie Escalante, “21,” from Tampa, FL admits she is a conference junkie, but sees nothing wrong with it. She has attended everything from Messiah Conference to the UMJC international and 20s conferences to ARCH Leadership summit to AMF and everything in between. She even started a Twitter account dedicated to conference crushes. She is so addicted to attending conferences that The Messianic Meow wrote an article about her planning a fake conference and then she actually started planning it. “Even though I’m only ’21,’ I’ve been to enough conferences to know how to plan one. I don’t need help from anyone. I’ve got this. It’s my conference now.”

Amy Liantonio, 30, from Philadelphia, PA says she once went to three conferences in a month, all at the Rosen Plaza Hotel. She has made it her life’s goal to attend every conference at The Rosen, which could be as many as six per year. She is helping Stephanie plan the fake conference.

Vlad Horol, 27, from Chicago, IL considers himself now to be a recovering conference junkie. “I love conferences so much, that I became the UMJC Young Adult Liaison (YAL) as an excuse to attend conferences,” stated Horol. “But I’m married now and my wife, Rachel, told me it was unnecessary for me to attend so many conferences. As part of the recovery process, I stepped down as the YAL earlier this year and will try to limit my conferencing to two conferences per year.” “He’s fine,” Rachel chimed in. “Two conferences per year is more than enough. He’s just going to stick to our photography business, Yofi Photography, and he’ll be fine.”

There’s more to life than attending a conference every other month. If you or a friend spend all your time and money on Messianic conferences, please do not be afraid to ask for emotional support. The Messianic Meow is here for you.

UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF that they are not actually a conference, therefore Stephanie Escalante’s conference resume cannot include AMF.

Messianic Times Introduces New Affiliate Web Site Yeshuaslist.org

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Pensacola, FL – The Messianic Times had a special announcement this week as they prepare to release a new Messianic version of Craigslist. The classifieds web site is being rolled out just in time for the upcoming high holiday season, giving everyone a comprehensive list of all Messianic high holiday services nationwide.

“It’s necessary,” said Messianic Times Director, Rabbi Eric Tokajer. “People want to know what’s happening, not just in their own city, but in the greater Messianic community. What if someone wants to visit another city or even relocate? This will enable them to see what’s out there and maybe even find a new job, congregation, or a place to stay. Messianics want to connect with their friends across the globe and this is the most effective way to do that.”

The new web site will be set up similarly to Craigslist: it will be broken down by city/state, and it will have job postings, property rentals and sales, congregational events, and of course personals. While not every subcategory from Craigslist will appear on Yeshuaslist, such as “Casual Encounters,” Yeshuaslist will see new subcategories such as “Conference Crushes,” rendering the Twitter account Messianic_Crush obsolete.

Tokajer said that having this web site as its own entity and not just a page on messianictimes.com will garner more attention to both web sites, drawing a much larger audience to both mediums. Yeshuaslist.org will allow anyone to post ads and is expected to be a pillar in the realm of Messianic social networking. Sadly, the release date is still classified.

New Non Partisan Messianic Conference for Those Who Like Attending Messianic Conferences to Take Place This Summer

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Orlando, FL – A new Messianic conference will take place this summer for those who like attending Messianic Conferences. The aptly named “Conference Conference” will be an annual event the week prior to Messiah Conference.

“Messianic Judaism doesn’t have enough conferences, especially in the Orlando area,” stated Conference Conference Founder and Organizer, Stephanie Escalante. “This conference will be different than all the others, however. The workshops offered here will strictly be about how to choose the activities you participate in at the conferences you attend. We will go over the differences between all the Messianic conferences offered, how to choose which Rabbi you want to hear speak, how to choose between Davidic Dancing and Krav Maga, which kind of shofar or tambourine to bring to the evening sessions, how to choose a conference crush (CC) if you’re single, and we’ll even have a panel on how to choose your entree for the conference Shabbat meals. We’ll also be giving everyone a punch card…if you attend 10 other Messianic conferences between the 2017 Conference Conference and the 2018 Conference Conference, you will get half price admission for the 2018 Conference Conference! It can be any 10 Messianic conferences, including, but not limited to Messiah Conference, The UMJC International Conference, Daughters of Righteousness Conference, Meuchad Worship Conference, any YMJA Retreat, The ARCH Leadership Summit, Any MJAA Regional Conference, Muchan, any Jews for Jesus Ingathering, MLR, and even AMF 2.0!”

Conference Conference will take place June 22-25, 2017 at the Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando. Early bird registration starts at just $89 per person. Please call (605) 475-6968 to register.

 

UPDATE: We have just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference. Unfortunately, the Conference Conference punch cards will not be valid for said event afterall.