Elder Hezekiah Hawkins, on behalf of the synagogue board, has reported that Rabbi Leslie Horowitz of Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance Messianic Congregation in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, has been temporarily removed from his pulpit after falling into heresy.

“Yes, it pained us to do so. Rabbi Horowitz has been with us for eighteen years now, and we all love him. But we found he crossed a boundary we could not tolerate.  As my wife, Amanda, reminded me, ‘ Above all, we must protect God’s sheep.’”

Rabbi Horowitz, a graduate of Rhema and Ruach Bible School, began to show his first signs of deviance about three months ago. “Yes, that was when it started to happen. At first we thought it was an oversight. Soon it was clear that it was deliberate. Then we had no choice: we just had to take action.”

When representatives of The Messianic Meow pressed Elder Hawkins for details, he at first refused to disclose them. “It’s a private matter,” he said; “Very private.”

However, when reminded that the Elder Board’s responsibility to protect God’s sheep extends beyond their own congregation, Hawkins relented. “Yes, I can see that we have to protect others from this damnable heresy, this doctrine of demons, this curse upon God’s people.”

“Okay. With the help of God, I will tell you what he did.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and with trembling lips he disclosed his horrible secret:

“The Rabbi stopped taking offerings.”

This was all Hawkins could say. What followed was little more than inarticulate sobbing.

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