Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC

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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

 

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The 12 Most Influential Messianics Under 12

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2)  Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3)  Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4)  David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.

5)  David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6)  Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7)  David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8)  David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.

9)  Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and  she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Dr. Greg Silverman to Conduct Yeshualand Philharmonic Orchestra

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Arizona, Murca – With the unveiling of Yeshualand Arizona, home state of the headquarters of President Jonathan Bernis’ Jewish Voice Ministries International (JVMI), some big things are happening, including the creation of a full-size Messianic Philharmonic Orchestra, The Yeshualand Players, who will perform at the grand opening of both the upcoming Arizona and Seattle locations.

The instrumentation of the Yeshualand Players Ensemble includes a 54-piece shofar section of different shapes, forms and sizes, a 128-piece tambourine section, and even 18 flag wavers and dancers.

Dr. Greg Silverman will be conducting the Yeshualand Players, and Rabbi Rich Nichol will be featured on jazz flute, soaring on top of the beautiful orchestra.  We had a chance to catch up with both of them.

“I’m overjoyed to be playing with these cats,” says Nichol, who’s always looking for a good opportunity to use his excellent music skills. “Not only will we be in a beautiful location for a good cause, it’ll just be a great time to play with the boys in the band. It’ll be a different sound – shofars and flute – and tambourines. Wow. Let’s hope we can keep the beat and stay on the ball with Dr. Greg.”

Dr. Greg couldn’t agree more. “This is a big step our Movement has never seen in its history. A Philharmonic orchestra! How amazing!!”

Says President Bernis, who will be joining the ensemble on Bass Shofar, “Our movement is getting ready to hear a joyful noise it has never heard before. Get those groggers ready. If the debut goes well, we’re taking this on the road. Look out, Messiah ’17; The Yeshualand Players are ready for you!”

As always, Manna Recording will be there to make sure CDs will be available of these performances. They can be purchased on site or at www.jewishvoice.org. For more information on Dr. Greg Silverman, visit www.gregsilverman.com and Rich Nichol visit www.ruachisrael.org

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Hold New Reality Show to Find Their Next Rabbi

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Las Vegas, NV – Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue of Las Vegas is pleased to announce their new Internet Reality show “Lev Hashem’s Next Rabbi.”

“We have been without a spiritual leader for over a year and a half now. What better way to choose a replacement, than through a competition show?” Says Karen Gloyd, of the Lev HaShem board.

15 possible Rabbis will compete weekly in different events, such as “Speed Torah Scrolling,” “Best Drash in under 20 minutes,” and “Congregational Referee.”

Each week the Rabbis will be scored by celebrity judges, including Matt Rosenberg, Jonathan Bernis, John Tesh, Paul Wilbur, and the leader of the Real Complete Jewish Synagogue, Joel Liberman. Each week one Rabbi will be eliminated in a gripping “Kippah Ceremony.”

The winner of the competition will win a one year contract with Lev HaShem, a trip to Yeshualand for their whole family, and a copy of the new Messianic version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street.”

Celebrity Host for the show will be Sharon Wilbur of The Havdalah Spice Girls.

For more information on the search for the new Rabbi, please visit www.levhashem.org

 

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ARCH Leadership Summit Ends in Chaos After Everyone Leaves Without a New CC

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Orlando, FL – Disaster has struck the 2017 ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando this weekend after not one single attendee found a new conference crush. This marks the first time in the history of Messianic Jewish conferences that there have been no matches made, even if just unrequited. While completely out of the ordinary, there were some survivors of the incident.

“In all my years of attending conferences, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said YMJA Secretary, Melissa Brown, via The YMJA Facebook page. “I don’t even understand how you can get a whole conference room full of Messianic guys and girls and not one single person has developed new feelings for someone. The YMJA exec board had an emergency Skype meeting to discuss this. We think the problem stemmed from Nate Benjamin not attending this year’s Summit, which triggered a horrific chain reaction of hearts turning to stone, but there’s absolutely no way to prove that. The conference ended with everyone scrambling to find someone they might have slight feelings for, to no avail. Sadly, if this happens again it could mean extinction for the entire Messianic movement.”

We, at The Messianic Meow, are just absolutely famisht, verklempt, and plotzing at this tragic news. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the young people who have had to deal with such a travesty and we hope they will be able to bounce back quickly and find some new CCs during the Summer 2017 conference season. Godspeed, young people; Godspeed.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Vine of David Publishes New Emoji Talmud

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Marshfield, MO  – First Fruits of Zion, a Messianic teaching ministry, decided to make a big announcement that was a long time coming….in fact eighteen years in the works!

“Millennials are having trouble understanding big English words,” concluded First Fruits of Zion director, Boaz Michael. “Words like ‘advertisement’ are hard for them to understand, no less ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘epistemology’ for instance. So reaching millennials for Messiah Yeshua through big words is not going to happen. Also, learning big words in a new language is quite challenging…. Hebrew is no walk in the park for about 97% of the Messianic movement.  That’s why they’re relying on Yeshualand amusement parks for their kicks and giggles. For the remaining 3% of those who can understand Hebrew, well, they’re something else. This has nothing to do with the monster that we call the Messianic Gentile…”

Michael and his team took much time in deliberation on how to reach more young people. “We thought, and we thought, and we thought” said Aaron Eby, a writer for First Fruits of Zion. “ We were thinking about a TV show, but then we realized, we already have one. Then we thought…..hmmmm how about a club, a cool spot for all of them youngins to learn the Torah that’s hip? No, that already exists in our Torah Club series. Then how about a Torah learning center in the heart of Jerusalem? Nope. Got that too. Next…”

“What we came up with is this: How ‘bout an emoji version of the Talmud?” said First Fruits educator, Daniel Thomas Lancaster. “After all, no big words. Young people won’t have to read English OR Hebrew. They’ll just learn Judaism 101 through pictures! Brilliantly genius!!”

Young people are getting excited to see this new version of the Talmud. “I’m always on my iPhone. I just frankly don’t like to sit down and read books,” said Or Lishmor, a Boston native. “Now I’m so stoked to learn about Judaism in a gripping fashion. Who knew Messianics are so cool??” Feivel Feldmanstein, a fifteen year old Messianic teen from Temple Aron HaKodesh in Ft. Lauderdale couldn’t agree more. “Hebrew has been a constant struggle for me. So much so, that in my Hebrew school, I’ve been noted saying, ‘The Struggle is Real…with Hebrew.’ Now I’m gonna show this new Talmud to my buddies!”

Rabbis are getting excited as well. “What we noticed is that Hebrew literacy is declining,” said Rabbi Reuben Robenstein, congregational leader of Adat HaTorah Chaim in Sticksville, Georgia. “We want our young people to understand the beauty of Torah! Who knows, maybe they’ll come to the Congregation of the Living Torah one day?”

The release is expected within the first part of 2017. See http://ffoz.org/ for more information.

 

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IAMCS To Implement War on Hugs

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Havertown, PA – The Messianic movement is filled with numerous conferences attended by people from all over the nation, and even the world. After not seeing each other for long periods of time, when everyone comes together on the first day of conferences it is inevitable that they love to hug and catch up with their friends. However, over the years things have gotten completely out of control.

The IAMCS/MJAA has announced a campaign called the “War on Hugs,” which is a term to describe the greater, collaborative effort to combat the countless gateway hugs on first days of conferences that lead to extended and pointless small talk, inability to unpack, and enabling of repetitive and/or unoriginal conversation topics.

IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, commented saying, “We’ve received many complaints from people of all ages. The younger generation is tired of getting hugs from people who only know them through their parents. The older generation is tired of not being able to come up with new conversation topics for the younger generation. And both generations are tired of seeing people show up to the first evening service of conference wearing sweat pants and flip flops because they didn’t have time to unpack!”

The MJAA is already taking action with their annual ARCH Leadership Summit just around the corner. An anonymous source claims they have hired a trained S.W.A.T. team (Sustained Welcome Avoidance Team) to help move people along through the registration lines.

“Of course we want people to greet each other and spread the love of Messiah all throughout conference,” Liberman added, “but we felt that if people are so overwhelmed with hugs and catching up that they can’t even unpack, we may be forced to scrub to the evening service. This is conference, people; not college.”

 

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Beth Hallel Ready to Break Ground on New Messianic Boarding High School Near Atlanta

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Roswell, GA – Beth Hallel Messianic Jewish Synagogue announced this week they, in conjunction with the YMJA, are sponsoring a brand new venture in Messianic Judaism: an all Messianic boarding high school. The school will be the first of its kind, and will allow an alternative to secular or Christian education that caters, specifically, to Messianics.

“Nothing like this exists yet,” said YMJA Ministries Coordinator, Hannah Mann, via Snapchat. “We are so excited to break ground on this amazing project. And by break ground, we mean metaphorically speaking, of course. We still don’t have the funds to make this a reality, but we have faith God will provide the money for it, via GoFundMe. Imagine living year round with your Messianic friends from all around the country, that you normally only get to see over FaceTime. Also, a lot of Messianic parents choose to homeschool their children, because they’re worried what kinds of characters will influence their kids at school. This new school will be a viable alternative to homeschooling. We’ve purchased some land near Beth Hallel, so the students will be able to attend weekly Shabbat services, as well as other holiday and youth events. We’ll have dorms so kids can attend from all over the country. We’ll even have married housing, since you can marry at 16 in Georgia, and well, you know…Messianic Culture; these kids are bound to find spouses at this school, so why wait till they’re 18 to get married, when we can make it so convenient for them?”

A representative for the new school said they are in negotiations with future staff members. They also stated that in the first year, registration will only be open to high school students in the Southeast Region, but they hope to open up enrollment nationwide in the future. If this school succeeds, it may also open up the doors for an all Messianic four year university, just to make sure everyone is sick of each other by the time they earn their bachelor’s degrees.

You may donate to support the project at bethhallel.org or ymja.org, with a GoFundMe page coming soon.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Comes Out as Huge One Direction Fan

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Phoenix, AZ – President of the Greater Messianic Movement, Jonathan Bernis, has finally admitted to being a big fan of the British pop band, One Direction. The announcement came after Bernis assigned the book “The One Thing,” by Gary Keller to those taking his leadership track at the upcoming ARCH Leadership Summit. The book has an eerily similar name to one of One Direction’s biggest hits, “One Thing,” and members of the movement began to speculate that this was not just a coincidence.

“Well, the rumors are true,” Bernis said in an e-mail blast. “I am a huge One Direction fan. I don’t oft listen to secular music, but I do love Dylan, The Grateful Dead, and, of course, One Direction. There’s just something about their haunting melodies and wistful lyrics that reach the depths of my soul. I did intentionally assign a book that had a similar name to my favorite One Direction song. Sadly, once I read it, I realized it had nothing to do with the band, but it was too late. However, I still expect everyone taking the Leadership Track at The Summit to read it.”

Bernis will speak more about his taste in music in the upcoming biography, “Human Like Us,” which will showcase in depth interviews with various Messianic Rabbis and other ministerial leaders, to give us a day to day look at what their lives are like outside of ministry. More information about this book will be forthcoming, through First Fruits of Zion is hoping to release the book before the major summer conferences of 2017.

 

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Muchan Conference Attendees Showcase Every Possible View of the Spanish Synagogue in Prague

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Prague, Czech Republic – The Chosen People Ministries’ Messianic millennial’s conference, Muchan, was held, this past week, in Prague. Unlike most Messianic conferences, Muchan is held in a European city and specifically allows time for conference attendees to sightsee around the area. This year, the conference brought an excursion to the Prague Jewish Quarter, where the entire group decided to take pictures of the Spanish Synagogue, that they would immediately post to their social media accounts. For some people not attending Muchan, this meant seeing the same building, repeatedly, from various friends, in their news feeds.

“It’s incredible,” said conference attendee, David Falkowitz. “Incredible, that we can all post pictures of different angles of the same building and litter everyone’s Facebook and Instagram feeds with the same thing over and over again. It’s like when there’s a rainbow outside; we all have to do our civic duty to make sure anyone not there to witness it in person is still getting the full experience. The greatest view of all was the bathroom, though. It was just….breathtaking.”

Muchan typically takes place in a different European city every two years, but the next one is slated to be held on The Moon in 2020. For more information about Muchan, please head over to www.muchanconference.com

 

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