Category Archives: Murca

Early Bird Registration Deadline for Messiah Conference 2017 is May 31st, and They Mean it This Time. No, Really; They Do

Posted on by

MessiahCon2017

Springfield, PA – The beginning of Messiah Conference 2017 is now just 41 days away, and early bird registration discount prices are set to end on May 31st. The MJAA has a long history of extending their conference registration deadlines, but this year’s Messiah Conference will be unlike the others, as the MJAA has stated they will not be extending their early bird deadline this year.

“Yes, we are notorious for extending the registration deadline for all of our conferences,” said Conference Services representative, Leah Levine. “We extend the early bird and regular registration deadlines for Messiah Conference, our regional conferences, YMJA retreats, and ARCH Leadership Summit pretty regularly. You could actually set your watch to it. However, this year we have to lay down the law. We raised the price of Messiah Conference this year, and there’s a reason for that. If we could afford to give everyone the ‘early bird’ price up until the day of the conference we would. Somewhere along the way we lost sight of this being about money and now we have to make up for all those deadline extensions we granted. Plus, if we don’t keep people on their toes, they won’t keep coming back. So register by May 31st. Or else.”

You can register for Messiah Conference at www.messiahconference.org The cost is supposedly going to go up by $50 per person if you register after May 31st, but it will probably really be more like June 9th or 10th.

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Meme

Posted on by

shofarsarecoming

42 more days until Messiah Conference!

Millions of Jewish and Gentile Believers Come Together to Name New Baby Giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’

Posted on by

BabyGiraffe

Murca — April the Giraffe, who rose to celebrity status by being pregnant for a year and a half, gave birth to a male calf this past weekend, and then was mercilessly slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis who wanted to take advantage of giraffes being biblically Kosher. To raise funds for an upgrade of their giraffe encounter, Animal Adventure Park is having a contest to name the new baby giraffe. The wider believing community agreed to make the most of this incredible evangelistic opportunity and name the baby “Jesus is The Messiah.”

“Every believer can agree on one thing, and that’s that Jesus is The Messiah,” said Jonathan Bernis, President of the Messianic Movement. “Have you read that book ‘The One Thing’ by Gary Keller? It’s great! Anyway, our one thing is we all have the same Messiah, whether we are Jewish or Gentile. We put our feelers out through Jewish Voice, the MJAA, the UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People, Tikkun, First Fruits of Zion, The Tree of Life Bible Society, Life in Messiah, The Messianic Times, and our partnering Christian ministries and everyone agreed naming the baby giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ is an evangelistic opportunity that we should not pass up. We decided our message would reach more people if we used the name Jesus, instead of Yeshua. That baby will have a long name, but it will be worth it. Plus, if it can’t hack it as a giraffe, it can always become a race horse.”

Animal Adventure Park is allowing people to pay to vote for names for the new calf. There is no maximum of votes, but there is a minimum of five. Each vote costs $1. Please visit www.nameaprilscalf.com to vote to name the new baby ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ and help get our message out!

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to April the Giraffe

Posted on by

ApriltheGiraffe

Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the April the Giraffe, who was mercilessly slaughtered over the weekend, simply because giraffes are biblically Kosher, but are not readily available as food. The video will be a sequel to the still yet to be released tribute to Harambe, that was supposed to have been released five months ago.

“We filmed the Harambe video in January at the ARCH Leadership Summit, but my laptop has been broken literally for forever,” said YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg, who is in charge of making both the April and Harambe tribute videos. “I could let someone else edit the videos, but I like to keep my commitments. Besides, I’m Jewish, aren’t I supposed to be late with everything?? I don’t think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew; I feel very optimistic that I will be able to release both videos in time for the 10th anniversary of their deaths!”

The videos will be released on YouTube and Facebook as soon as they are ready. Goldberg says both videos will include the same footage, and mostly the same song lyrics, just to save time. Keep your eyes peeled; the videos will be posted on The Messianic Meow Facebook page as soon as they are finished.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

40 Messianics Actually Able to Pass a Bowel Movement After Congregational Charoset Found to be Laced with Prunes

Posted on by

LetMyPeopleGo

Louisville, KY – 40 Messianics from Beth Shelcha Ima Messianic Congregation in Louisville, KY, had quite the surprise last night, after suddenly having to run to the bathroom to pass a bowel movement in the middle of their congregation’s final night Passover Seder. Passover is notorious for constipating Jews everywhere, from consuming matzah three times a day for seven days (or eight, if you aren’t following what The Torah says). Since prunes tend to have the opposite effect of matzah on the digestive system, someone slipped some prunes into the charoset for the Seder. Charoset is an important part of the Passover seder, and is traditionally made in Ashkenazi style, with nuts, apples, wine or grape juice, and cinnamon. Prunes are a nice complement for the aforementioned ingredients, as well as a vehicle to cancel out the destruction of your bathroom habits after copious amounts of matzah eating.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Congregational member, Roz Blackwell. “Normally during Pesach I’m stopped up all week. The matzah…it’s like bricks in your colon. I just wanna plotz, but at 62 years old, I know now that one week every year I just can’t go number two. I just can’t. But gevalt in himmel…wouldn’t you know…somebody got smart this year and mixed prunes in the charoset! Brilliant! Mazel tov! I’d like to personally thank the person who did that, and I might want to apologize to the plumber that had to unclog all the toilets…but I just feel so…whatever the opposite of bloated is. Thank you thank you to the kind stranger that loves my digestive system more than Pharaoh did. THANK YOU!”

Do you like pooping during Passover? L’shana haba’a, we recommend switching to gluten free matzah. While you may not use it to fulfill the mitzvah of a Passover seder, it does allow you to continue your bathroom routine as normal. I know our reporting today is full of crap, but…I gotta go.

 

 

Donate to support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

April the Giraffe Finally Gives Birth, Is Immediately Slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis After They Realize Giraffes are Biblically Kosher

Posted on by

AprilandBabyGiraffe

Harpursville, NY – After what feels like an eight year long pregnancy, the famed giraffe, April, from the Animal Adventure Park in New York, finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on Saturday, April 15th, 2017. April was originally due two months ago, but we believe she was intentionally waiting for the month she was named after. However, in a sad turn of events, April was slaughtered, early yesterday, for purposes of being eaten by Orthodox Jews, who realized giraffes are biblically Kosher.

“According to Leviticus 11, giraffes are Kosher animals, since they chew cud and have cloven hooves, like cows,” said local Orthodox Rabbi, Stan Liebowitz. “I’ve never eaten a giraffe before and I’ve never known anyone who has, so once we were able to locate a giraffe nearby, we knew we needed to make haste on the opportunity. April was a prime candidate for us; she’s 15 years old and giraffes usually only live till 15. She was probably gonna die soon anyway. So we figured we should just put her out of her misery. She was delicious though, I have to tell you. We normally eat lamb for the final seder, but this year we are treating ourselves to giraffe. And there’s plenty more left. As soon as Peach ends, we’ll certainly be enjoying these giraffe burgers. Shame they’re endangered though; I could make a killing off of selling giraffe meat.”

While giraffes may, indeed, be both biblically Kosher and delicious, we, at The Messianic Meow, do not condone eating them. Please recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of poor April. What a way to go. I guess being an internet celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Chicago Messianic Community Finally Discovers Ted Pearce Has More Than One Song

Posted on by

3344324

Chicago, IL – A recent meeting of the Harvest Committee, the Chicago Messianic leaders’ networking and prayer group, turned into a heated debate over worship song choices, after it was accidentally discovered that Messianic recoding artist, Ted Pearce, actually has more songs than just “Hallelu Et Adonai.” The gathering went south when someone pulled up “Hallelu Et Adonai” on YouTube and another one of Ted Pearce’s songs, “Clean Water” popped up as the next song on the queue.

“Sometimes YouTube has a mind of its own,” said an anonymous representative of the Harvest Committee. “I’m more than a little embarrassed to say that we all thought Ted Pearce only had one song. A great song though. So great. So so great. We knew he has released albums, but we legitimately thought they were just Hallelu Et Adonai over and over and over again and we wanted to honor that. I feel our Chicago congregations have all done an incredible job beating that amazing song to death, and I commend them for it. But now that we have discovered that Ted Pearce has other songs, like “Adonai Machaseinu,” “Who Has Ascended?,” “Arise,” “Congregation of the Righteous,” “Hinei Go’alaeinu Chai,” and “Open the Gates,” we must start playing these songs, as well, to round out our worship experiences. We have asked that all our Chicago congregations expand their Ted Pearce repertoire during worship and give Hallelu Et Adonai a little breather. Hallelu Et Adonai has served us well over the years, but it’s time to give exposure to Mr. Pearce’s other songs too.”

In addition to Hallelu Et Adonai, Ted Pearce has many other great songs as well. You may listen to them here. We highly recommend adding these songs to your worship team’s repertoire.

 

 

Donate to support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Members Struggle To Fill Prayer Times After Synagogue Purchases New Building

Posted on by

CBY

Philadelphia, PA – This past weekend, in Philadelphia, members of Congregation Beth Yeshua listened, in shock, as Rabbi David Chernoff revealed that the synagogue’s long search for a new building has finally reached an end. It was an announcement over 20 years in the making, and one many had come to suspect would never arrive. However, the mood among the congregation was far more anxious than one might expect, and after the service stunned members expressed a mix of excitement and deep concern.

“Obviously, I’m thrilled that we finally have a new building,” said long-time member Helen Wilson. “We’ve been looking for over two decades, and we’ve needed it for at least that long. That being said, praying for a new building has been a major cornerstone of my prayer time throughout this search. Over 20 years of habit is going to be hard to break, and I have no idea what I’m going to fill that time with.”

Many others in the congregation voiced similar issues. “I’ve literally been praying for the new building since I was a kid,” said former YMJA President Jonathan Salkind. “I barely even remember a time when I wasn’t setting aside a big chunk of my quiet time to focus on it. Not to mention my wife and I have been raising our daughters to always pray that we’d get a new building; what are we supposed to tell them to pray about now?”

In an effort to ease troubled members’ concerns, Rabbi David assured the congregation that there was still plenty to pray for. “We still need to sell our current building,” he said, making sure to maintain a soothing tone of voice so as not to further agitate the crowd. “We’ve also been having difficulty getting settlement on the other property we bought a few years back. Plus, while it doesn’t look like zoning will be an issue, we’re going to need to do some substantial construction on the new building before we can move in. Believe me, there’s still plenty to pray about.” Nonetheless, many of those in attendance weren’t entirely convinced.

“Sure,” said Ken Fischer, “Technically we’ve still got stuff to pray for. But, I mean, selling property? Construction going smoothly? I can wring maybe five minutes out of that. What about the other 25 minutes I was devoting to the new building each day? How do they expect me to reach the full hour per day of prayer that the Rabbi’s been drilling into us for all these years if my biggest subject just vanishes?”

Reached for comment, Office Manager, John Rose, suggested several possible topics of building-related prayers. In addition to reiterating the Rabbi’s points, he suggested praying for other Messianic congregations in need of buildings, including Adat HaTikvah near Chicago and Shuvah Yisrael on Long Island. But members shrugged that suggestion off as well. “Most of my prayer time for the building has been pressing in for God’s will on various properties I’ve seen in the area that seemed perfect for us,” said Josh Collis. “How can I do that for a congregation in a place I’ve never been to?”

However, not everyone at Beth Yeshua is dismayed by the sudden lack of prayer material. In fact, dance leader, Tatiana Pulido, said that the announcement has taken her prayer life to a whole new level. “Are you kidding me?!” she asked incredulously. “Now that we have the property, I can finally stop praying about the building and focus on what really matters. I’ve got a very clear vision for our new dance floor, and believe me, I’m going to make sure both God and the office staff hear about it every single day until my prayers are answered.”

 

 

Donate to support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn Publishes New Diet Book, ‘The Mystery of the Fatted Calf’

Posted on by

jonathancahn

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn has taken the Messianic and Christian worlds by storm with his best-selling novel The Harbinger. But now he seeks to conquer another realm – the realm of health and nutrition. Cahn’s new diet book, The Mystery of the Fatted Calf, was released this week in Christian bookstores nationwide, and it has absolutely everybody talking.

“Throughout the Scriptures, the fatted calf appears as a symbol of God’s favor,” said Rabbi Cahn in a press release about the book. “When God and His angels visit Abraham in Genesis 18, the fatted calf is the meal which Abraham prepares for them. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father gives an order for the fatted calf to be prepared as a celebratory feast. It is a symbol of our communion with The Creator, a feast that consummates our reconciliation with our God through acceptance of the Messiah. In this book, I combine in-depth Biblical study with the latest in cutting-edge nutritional research to unlock the mysteries of this marvelous wonder food which God has provided, and reveal how we can utilize it to maximize our health and even increase our lifespans.”

So, is Cahn’s revolutionary new diet plan the real deal? Well, obviously it will take a while before we can judge the long-term effects, but early reviews sound promising. “This book is a revelation, plain and simple,” writes Greg Whitman of Christian literary review journal Holy Handwriting. “[Rabbi] Cahn has an immense gift for finding previously undiscovered connections between passages and tying them together into a cohesive whole, and this book is perhaps his crowning achievement in that regard. Verses which once seemed unrelated blend effortlessly and seamlessly together as he delves deeper into the Word, backing it all up with a wide array of dietary studies to emphasize the fundamental unity of Scripture and reveal God’s divine will for our diets. Long live the fatted calf!”

Jake Liebowitz of The Messianic Gazette was similarly enthusiastic. “While it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the whirlwind of numbers and references that Rabbi Cahn throws at you,” he writes, “it’s hard to argue with the results. The fatted calf is truly God’s greatest dietary gift to man, and one that all followers of Messiah should feel blessed to receive. If I wasn’t a vegetarian, I’d be eating at least a steak a day.”

However, Cahn hasn’t won over everyone just yet. While Michael Weisman of Messianic Health Review praises the book’s wealth of information, he maintains a bit of skepticism about the diet. “Sadly,” he writes, “for all the complexity of Cahn’s bold new dietary theory, I still find myself unconvinced by his conclusions, and certain sections – the part about dietary adjustments during blood moons, for example – feel like a bit of a stretch. Still, Rabbi Cahn definitely provides a massive amount of raw data to sift through, and the end result leaves any reader with a lot to think about. The theory may well have value, and certainly merits further investigation. I’m just saying don’t bet the whole hog (or calf, as the case may be) on it until further studies confirm the esteemed Rabbi’s findings.”

Regardless of Weisman’s reservations, plenty of believers seem quite eager to test out Cahn’s groundbreaking new dietary concepts. The Mystery of the Fatted Calf has leapt to the top of bestseller lists nationwide, and sales of beef and steak have shown a sharp spike as thousands of faithful embrace what Cahn calls “the chosen meal for the chosen people.” As for the author, he insists his work on his theory is far from over. As he gears up for a whirlwind speaking tour in support of his new book, the Rabbi pledges to continue to refine his work, incorporating the latest dietary research and newly discovered obscure Biblical connections into his messages to ensure the most accurate possible information.  After all, when it comes to radical new diets, you have to be careful – there’s a lot at steak.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Rabbi Falls Into Heresy

Posted on by

heretical-rabbi

Elder Hezekiah Hawkins, on behalf of the synagogue board, has reported that Rabbi Leslie Horowitz of Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance Messianic Congregation in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, has been temporarily removed from his pulpit after falling into heresy.

“Yes, it pained us to do so. Rabbi Horowitz has been with us for eighteen years now, and we all love him. But we found he crossed a boundary we could not tolerate.  As my wife, Amanda, reminded me, ‘ Above all, we must protect God’s sheep.’”

Rabbi Horowitz, a graduate of Rhema and Ruach Bible School, began to show his first signs of deviance about three months ago. “Yes, that was when it started to happen. At first we thought it was an oversight. Soon it was clear that it was deliberate. Then we had no choice: we just had to take action.”

When representatives of The Messianic Meow pressed Elder Hawkins for details, he at first refused to disclose them. “It’s a private matter,” he said; “Very private.”

However, when reminded that the Elder Board’s responsibility to protect God’s sheep extends beyond their own congregation, Hawkins relented. “Yes, I can see that we have to protect others from this damnable heresy, this doctrine of demons, this curse upon God’s people.”

“Okay. With the help of God, I will tell you what he did.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and with trembling lips he disclosed his horrible secret:

“The Rabbi stopped taking offerings.”

This was all Hawkins could say. What followed was little more than inarticulate sobbing.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow