Harpursville, NY – After what feels like an eight year long pregnancy, the famed giraffe, April, from the Animal Adventure Park in New York, finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on Saturday, April 15th, 2017. April was originally due two months ago, but we believe she was intentionally waiting for the month she was named after. However, in a sad turn of events, April was slaughtered, early yesterday, for purposes of being eaten by Orthodox Jews, who realized giraffes are biblically Kosher.
“According to Leviticus 11, giraffes are Kosher animals, since they chew cud and have cloven hooves, like cows,” said local Orthodox Rabbi, Stan Liebowitz. “I’ve never eaten a giraffe before and I’ve never known anyone who has, so once we were able to locate a giraffe nearby, we knew we needed to make haste on the opportunity. April was a prime candidate for us; she’s 15 years old and giraffes usually only live till 15. She was probably gonna die soon anyway. So we figured we should just put her out of her misery. She was delicious though, I have to tell you. We normally eat lamb for the final seder, but this year we are treating ourselves to giraffe. And there’s plenty more left. As soon as Peach ends, we’ll certainly be enjoying these giraffe burgers. Shame they’re endangered though; I could make a killing off of selling giraffe meat.”
While giraffes may, indeed, be both biblically Kosher and delicious, we, at The Messianic Meow, do not condone eating them. Please recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of poor April. What a way to go. I guess being an internet celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…
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