We’ll be back soon with more articles. In the meantime, there is going to be a debate tonight between Dr. Michael Brown and Rabbi Daniel Freitag about whether or not Jesus is the Jewish Messiah. It will be live streamed at this link tonight at 7pm EDT/6pm CDT. Check it out and share with your friends (this is not a joke)!
EDIT: If you’d like to view the archived video, you may watch it here.
Rabbi Jonathan Cahn has taken the Messianic and Christian worlds by storm with his best-selling novel The Harbinger. But now he seeks to conquer another realm – the realm of health and nutrition. Cahn’s new diet book, The Mystery of the Fatted Calf, was released this week in Christian bookstores nationwide, and it has absolutely everybody talking.
“Throughout the Scriptures, the fatted calf appears as a symbol of God’s favor,” said Rabbi Cahn in a press release about the book. “When God and His angels visit Abraham in Genesis 18, the fatted calf is the meal which Abraham prepares for them. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father gives an order for the fatted calf to be prepared as a celebratory feast. It is a symbol of our communion with The Creator, a feast that consummates our reconciliation with our God through acceptance of the Messiah. In this book, I combine in-depth Biblical study with the latest in cutting-edge nutritional research to unlock the mysteries of this marvelous wonder food which God has provided, and reveal how we can utilize it to maximize our health and even increase our lifespans.”
So, is Cahn’s revolutionary new diet plan the real deal? Well, obviously it will take a while before we can judge the long-term effects, but early reviews sound promising. “This book is a revelation, plain and simple,” writes Greg Whitman of Christian literary review journal Holy Handwriting. “[Rabbi] Cahn has an immense gift for finding previously undiscovered connections between passages and tying them together into a cohesive whole, and this book is perhaps his crowning achievement in that regard. Verses which once seemed unrelated blend effortlessly and seamlessly together as he delves deeper into the Word, backing it all up with a wide array of dietary studies to emphasize the fundamental unity of Scripture and reveal God’s divine will for our diets. Long live the fatted calf!”
Jake Liebowitz of The Messianic Gazette was similarly enthusiastic. “While it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the whirlwind of numbers and references that Rabbi Cahn throws at you,” he writes, “it’s hard to argue with the results. The fatted calf is truly God’s greatest dietary gift to man, and one that all followers of Messiah should feel blessed to receive. If I wasn’t a vegetarian, I’d be eating at least a steak a day.”
However, Cahn hasn’t won over everyone just yet. While Michael Weisman of Messianic Health Review praises the book’s wealth of information, he maintains a bit of skepticism about the diet. “Sadly,” he writes, “for all the complexity of Cahn’s bold new dietary theory, I still find myself unconvinced by his conclusions, and certain sections – the part about dietary adjustments during blood moons, for example – feel like a bit of a stretch. Still, Rabbi Cahn definitely provides a massive amount of raw data to sift through, and the end result leaves any reader with a lot to think about. The theory may well have value, and certainly merits further investigation. I’m just saying don’t bet the whole hog (or calf, as the case may be) on it until further studies confirm the esteemed Rabbi’s findings.”
Regardless of Weisman’s reservations, plenty of believers seem quite eager to test out Cahn’s groundbreaking new dietary concepts. The Mystery of the Fatted Calf has leapt to the top of bestseller lists nationwide, and sales of beef and steak have shown a sharp spike as thousands of faithful embrace what Cahn calls “the chosen meal for the chosen people.” As for the author, he insists his work on his theory is far from over. As he gears up for a whirlwind speaking tour in support of his new book, the Rabbi pledges to continue to refine his work, incorporating the latest dietary research and newly discovered obscure Biblical connections into his messages to ensure the most accurate possible information. After all, when it comes to radical new diets, you have to be careful – there’s a lot at steak.
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In honor of the annual Lay’s Do Us a Flavor contest, which is currently taking place, what would a Messianic flavor of potato chips taste like? Discuss!
Murca – Strange news this week as Manna Recording and Duplication announced it has disbanded after seven years in business. Manna Recording, the company that has been responsible for recording and making CDs of all sessions from Messianic conferences, has split up over “creative differences.” Sadly, it turns out they were actually the glue that held Messianic Judaism together. Without them, there’s no proof that conferences happened and without conferences, there’s just really no point.
Wendy Orth, the now former Owner of Manna Recording, issued a statement that was sent out in an e-mail blast to both the MJAA and UMJC mailing lists: “We know you’ve enjoyed using our services to record all your conference sessions for the last seven years, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, you people just have too many conferences to keep up with and it has taken a toll on us over the years. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors and will see you again when Messiah returns. Which, given the current state of the world, may be sooner than we think. Anyway, thank you all for your years of loyalty. It’s much appreciated.”
“And then I woke up from that terrible dream,” said President Bernis. “Must have been some bad sushi or something. Anyway, let’s make sure to thank Manna Recording for all that they do; they truly are the unsung heroes of Messianic Judaism.”
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Colorado Springs, CO – Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth David, was left reeling this weekend when long-time member Samuel Weinberg took a rare vacation to attend a family reunion in California, sources report.
“I had no idea,” said dance leader Rebekah Morris. “In the back of my mind I always knew Sam did a lot behind the scenes, but I guess I never realized just how crucial he was until that horrible service.”
According to those who attended the service, the trouble was apparent from the moment congregants entered the sanctuary. “I didn’t even know they take the chairs down during the week,” said Stu Weiss, one of the first members to arrive. “But apparently they do, because whoever put them back out didn’t have the first clue what they were doing. There was this one huge section – each row must have been about 12 chairs long, and one end of it was against the wall, so the people on the far end had no easy way out. And the other section was facing the complete wrong way, so you had to crane your neck to see the bimah. It was awful.”
By all accounts, things only deteriorated further once the service started. The projector malfunctioned, and without Sam to fix it, the praise and worship service became a muddled mess as people struggled to sing along to the upside-down slides. The Torah service then ground to a halt as Rabbi Michael Rosenthal was forced to spend about 15 minutes rolling the scroll to the right passage. During that time, the children who had been dismissed minutes earlier, came back into the sanctuary, informing their parents that the Shabbat school room was locked and there was no teacher. And at the after-service oneg, everyone was dismayed to learn that the delicious chili, normally the highlight of the meal, was yet another of Sam’s unsung contributions.
“All I can say is, I’m never coming to another service if Sam isn’t here,” said Morris. “That mess with the projector threw off the praise and worship so badly that the songs were just about impossible to dance to. I nearly twisted my ankle. I swear, never again.” Her sentiments were echoed by several other members, all of whom had their own mishaps to recount.
“I got stuck in one of the giant rows, on the end up against the wall,” complained Marty Stein. “I had to go to the bathroom for half the service, but getting out of there would have been way too disruptive. By the time the service was over I thought I was going to explode.”
“My kids can’t sit still through one of Rabbi Rosenthal’s messages,” said Cathy Meyer. “We tried to tough it out, but five minutes after they came back up they started throwing a fit, so we had to leave early. At the time I was really upset that I wouldn’t get any of that wonderful chili they always have at the oneg, but from what I hear I guess that turned out not to be the biggest issue anyway.”
At press time, the Rabbi, staff and congregants were in the midst of an emergency prayer meeting, praying urgently for the swift and safe return of Mr. Weinberg.
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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.
“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”
The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”
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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:
1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.
2) Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.
3) Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!
4) David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.
5) David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.
6) Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!
7) David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!
8) David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.
9) Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!
10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.
11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.
12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”
Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!
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Melbourne, FL- Rabbi Alan Levine, Rabbi of Congregation of Kol Moshiach in Melbourne, FL recently was basking in the afterglow of a Ted Pearce concert. “As I was growing up, being a Dead Head for The Grateful Dead was the thing to do!” said Levine. “But now with all these changes in the Messianic movement, like Muchan on the Moon, Yeshua-centered amusement parks, and the inception of the Golden ARCH, a wonderful young leadership training program, I’m thinking I regret my days of being a Dead Head and want to move forward for Messiah. The young people need something different, you know? So one day in my office I was thinking ‘…gosh what would millennials like? Ted Pearce? Ted Pearce meets the Grateful Dead?? A Ted Head??? Yeah! Brilliant!!’ That’s how the inception of the concept of Ted-Heads came about!”
Jewish Voice Ministries International President and CEO, Jonathan Bernis even decided to include in his menu at the Yeshualand theme parks the “Ted Head Tater Tots” in addition to the “Adam’s McBeefRib” and “The Big Maccabee.” He also decided to have Ted Pearce’s Cultural Xchange gear and virtual reality goggles prominently displayed in each Yeshualand location. “Why not fuel that fire that our young people are into it?” says President Bernis.
Not only is this catching fire in Levine’s own congregation and at Yeshualand locations, the rage is spreading. “We want to get Ted to come give us a concert! We love him and think our young people could start a revolution of ‘Ted Heads’ that could spread around the world. Who needs the Grateful Dead anymore?! Bring on the Ted!!” said Rabbi Paul Saal of Shuvah Yisrael in Hartford, CT. “We need more young people to be Zealous over Zion, you know? Also, they must ‘Awake’ with many shofar blasts!”
UMJC Representative, Abe Melman couldn’t agree more. “The UMJC is going to have Ted come down to give a lecture at the next conference in Chicago about ‘How to be a Mensch While Being a Ted Head.’ He’ll also be teaching ‘Worship Leading with a Smile.’ We couldn’t be more excited.” For more information on Ted and to hear some of his wonderful music, check out http://www.tedpearce.com/.
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Shaker Heights, OH – After a recent blunder in the weekly congregational newsletter at Beth Sukkoth Messianic Synagogue, when Rabbi Brian Blacksmith accidentally made an announcement about their upcoming Hanukah [sic] Cookie Contest, congregants were sent into a panic at the addition of yet another spelling of the upcoming Jewish holiday.
“That is NOT how you spell Chanukah!” Elder Daniel Moss blurted out to the congregation, in disgust. “Look, I don’t care how you choose to spell ‘Chanukah,’ as long as you choose between the eight different spellings already in existence. Adding another one is just completely uncalled for. Like we, as Messianic Jews, aren’t famisht enough as it is, now you have to throw another log on the fire. Oy gevalt!”
A second Elder then stood up at threatened to replace Rabbi Blacksmith if he did not redact the new spelling of Chanukah. “All due respect, Rabbi Blacksmith, this is unacceptable. We, as a congregation, do not accept your new spelling of a classic word. What right have you to change a time old tradition? We will not stand for it. We demand you change it at once, lest ye be replaced by Assistant Rabbi Feigenbaum!”
Sadly, Rabbi Blacksmith had no ill intention and simply just did not spell check his newsletter before it went to press. The moral of the story: always use spell check or have a willing congregant, who has volunteered many many times, to check your work for you.
Happy almost Chanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Channukah/Hannukah/Hannukkah!
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Philadelphia, PA – A big announcement came out of the YMJA Executive Committee meetings in Philadelphia this week, as newly hired Director of Operations, Sabra Waldman, announced a ban on ‘insignificant’ brands of hummus from all future YMJA functions, including, but not limited to Cedar’s, Tribe, Trader Joe’s, and homemade incarnations. This is Waldman’s first major decision as part of the YMJA staff.
“As you probably guessed, Sabra Hummus is named after me,” Waldman explained in an interview. “Believe it or not, the Waldman family does actually own the company. I know that snacks are a huge part of YMJA functions, and as the new Director of Operations, I want to make it very clear that, even though the leadership has recently changed, I am here for every YMJA member and I want to be very actively involved. The best way to do that is to have my name everywhere as a reminder of that. And, yes, Sabra Hummus was recently recalled, due to ‘Listeria.’ We did plan, intentionally, for that to happen around my coming aboard to the YMJA; there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”
YMJA members attending Regional conferences, retreats, ARCH Leadership Summit, and Messiah Conference can expect to find every variety of Sabra Hummus at future functions, in addition to other Sabra brand dips, such as guacamole, Greek yogurt dip, and salsa. Any YMJA member found sneaking in other brands of hummus will be subject to disciplinary action, including and up to eating said contraband without the use of their hands or utensils, via live stream on the YMJA Facebook page, as the crowd looks on. Punishments will also be Snapchatted and Instagrammed.
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messianiccomedy.com 