YMJA Leadership Team Weekend Meetings Result in Decision to Buy Out Snapchat IPO

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Atlanta, GA – The YMJA Leadership Team gathered in Atlanta this past weekend to plan their portion of this year’s Messiah Conference, which will take place in July. In addition to planning the conference, a big decision was made to purchase every share of the upcoming Snapchat IPO.

“Well, we have all of this extra money now that we’ve extended the YMJA age limit to 45,” said YMJA Treasurer, Ravi Goldberg. “So many more people have paid the annual membership fee this year, because of that. We were originally going to use the extra funds on hummus, but for reasons I won’t mention, we are no longer allowed to do that. Anyway, as we were discussing how to use the funds, our social media guru, Joey Stepakoff, pointed out that Snapchat just announced they’ve filed for an IPO. Since Snapchat is such a huge part of YMJA culture, the decision was obvious. We took a vote and unanimously decided to purchase every share of Snapchat’s IPO. It really did make the most sense to move forward with this. It’s not like we would use the money for scholarships or anything.”

The Snapchat IPO is set to launch next month. The YMJA said they have big plans for Snapchat, including an affiliate called “Japchat,” in which all the filters are Jewish themed. You can follow the YMJA on Snapchat, but you’ll have to find them first, especially since this article will disappear in 24 hours!

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Movement in Crisis Due to Outbreak of Lashon HaTov Virus

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Doctors and rabbinical authorities conferred long into the night at the recent UMJC Midyear Leadership Meeting in Richardson, Texas due to an unprecedented outbreak of the Lashon HaTov (roughly, Good Speech) Virus.

Participants grew uneasy as it gradually become apparent they had lost the capacity to make patronizing comments, veiled criticism, and sarcastic barbs about other Messianic Jews present or absent from the meeting.

Try as they might, long-term bad-mouthers found themselves unable to speak disparagingly even of shofar blowing pseudo-Hasidim, or of others festooned in day glow talleisim, or of the intellectual crowd normally dismissed as too high up the mountain to do anyone any good.  Someone tried to click his tongue at the mention of Mark Kinzer’s name and found his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Those who sought to criticize Jews for Jesus, Tikkun, MJTI, or CJF Ministries (formerly known as the Christian Jew Foundation) found themselves unable to do so. “That’s when panic set in,” reported the Executive Director of the Union. “I even saw someone walk up to David Chernoff of the MJAA and tearfully apologize that he couldn’t make any innuendo-laden comments this year.

Even damning with faint praise proved impossible, and the outbreak grew so severe that conference attendees returned trembling to their rooms, many of them choosing to lie down in the hopes the affliction would pass.

The next morning, Russ Resnik was reassuring everyone at breakfast, “This too shall pass!” Someone at the far end of the room shouted out, “You’re an idiot, Resnik!”  After a pause, people started laughing. It was the laughter of relief. Indeed, things were getting back to normal.

 

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Rabbi Tim Hyslip Found to Actually Be Superman

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Glendale, AZ – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that Rabbi Tim Hyslip of Congregation Baruch HaShem, near Phoenix, is actually Superman. The study began in December after Rabbi Tim suffered a Level 3 Embolic Stroke in his right frontal lobe and was released from the hospital within four days. This marks the first medical related study from the behavior institute.

“Rabbi Tim’s stroke coordinator referred to him as a ‘walking miracle’ and we can’t exactly argue with her there,” explained Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “For someone barely into their 40s to have a stroke the size of an adult male’s fist and be out of the hospital in less than a handful of days…I mean obviously something is going on here that we can’t see. Other than God performing a modern day miracle, of course. I started to suspect that Rabbi Tim may be Superman when he was released from the hospital. First of all, it’s a well known fact that Superman is Jewish. Second of all, Superman and Rabbi Tim have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so that definitely tipped me off. And third of all, and I cannot stress this enough…’walking miracle’ or hidden super powers? You be the judge. Fortunately for us we were able to get a sample of Rabbi Tim’s blood from the hospital and have run extensive tests, the results of which we have finally received from our friends at the CDC. Normally the CDC would not be helping with something like this, but they were incredibly intrigued. Anyway, Rabbi Tim did, in fact, test positive for a Kryptonite allergy, proving that he is definitely Superman. This may also explain why he insists on changing clothes in phone booths.”

While Rabbi Tim does possess super human recovery powers, unfortunately he and his family of seven do not have super human make-money-appear-out-of-nowhere powers, and still have to figure out how to pay for the medical bills acquired from this already stressful ordeal. Please consider helping them out by donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/timhyslipmedicalfund

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Outbreak of Mosh Pit and Crowd Surfing at Latest UMJC Leadership Enrichment

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Richardson, TX – At the UMJC Leadership Enrichment meetings this week, Rabbi Dr. Michael Schiffman and his colleagues decided to take a break from hitting the cigars and go listen to the UMJC Rabbis’ band. “Something compelled me to go and hear them this year. Not sure what it was though,” Schiffman explained. “Usually their set isn’t exciting, not that interesting, and it’s the same old same old songs every single year that we hear in our congregations every week. But something told me this year would be different…”

What Schiffman found was one of the most fun nights of his life.

The whole UMJCY and UMJC20s, who were also invited to the meetings, led by Rabbi Kirk Gliebe, decided to storm the Hilton Doubletree Ballroom to hear their Rabbis play in a band.  The band, an annual UMJC tradition, comprised of Rabbi Rich Nichol on trombone and flute, Rabbi Nathan Joiner on Trumpet, Rabbi Tony Eaton on acoustic guitar, Rabbi Ben Eherenfeld on electric guitar, Rabbi Stuart Dauermann on the keyboard, Rabbi Barney Kasdan on bass, and Rabbi Howard Silverman on drums. The setlist included hits like “Come Let Us Go Down,” “The Trees of the Field Are Barking,” and even “It Is Average.”

In fact, Kirk started a mosh pit right in front of the mini-stage. “The band was  unbelievable!” explained Gliebe. “I thought starting a mosh pit wouldn’t actually work with our young people, but who knew it would be such a raging success indeed! It indeed felt like I was really going full forward for Messiah!”

A raging success it was indeed, as Rabbi Stuart Dauermann took a full-fledged stage dive off the mini-stage. “I felt The Ruach descending so heavily on that stage, and I trusted the hands of our capable young people,” said Dauermann. “Why not take the dive?”

The Meow caught up with one of the young people involved with the UMJCY, Yosef HaShmo from the crowd.  He attends Congregation Shaarei HaShamayim in Long Island, NY and just so happened to be at the Leadership Enrichment Meetings. “Dude, they were amazing,” said HaShmo, who was directly involved with the mosh pit. “When I heard those shofar blasts, something in my soul just burst out into excitement. I hope to be as cool as those guys one day when I grow up!”

For more on the fun opportunities at UMJC conferences and meetings, visit www.umjc.org

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Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Contest

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In honor of the annual Lay’s Do Us a Flavor contest, which is currently taking place, what would a Messianic flavor of potato chips taste like? Discuss!

dousaflavor

BREAKING NEWS: Life in Messiah Exists

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Lansing, IL – Breaking news out of Chicago today as we just found out there is a Jewish Evangelistic organization that is not Jews for Jesus and not Chosen People Ministries. The organization, called Life in Messiah, works similarly to the aforementioned organizations, but is a separate entity. Not only is it a separate entity, but it just plain exists. I mean, really, who knew??

“Our organization has actually been around since 1887,” Life in Messiah Director, Wes Taber, explained to us. “And we have over 14,000 Facebook fans, which is a lot more than I can say for The Messianic Meow. Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard of ‘Life in Messiah’ is because we keep changing our name. We started as the Chicago Hebrew Mission, then became American Messianic Fellowship, then AMF International (but not that AMF), and now we mostly go by ‘The organization formerly known as Prince of Peace is the answer.’ But, you know, we still prefer Life in Messiah.”

So there you have it, folks. Life in Messiah…it’s real. It’s a thing. It’s…aliiiive. So check them out on the web www.lifeinmessiah.org

Meow out.

 

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Messianic Judaism Ceases to Exist After Manna Recording Suddenly Disbands

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Murca – Strange news this week as Manna Recording and Duplication announced it has disbanded after seven years in business. Manna Recording, the company that has been responsible for recording and making CDs of all sessions from Messianic conferences, has split up over “creative differences.” Sadly, it turns out they were actually the glue that held Messianic Judaism together. Without them, there’s no proof that conferences happened and without conferences, there’s just really no point.

Wendy Orth, the now former Owner of Manna Recording, issued a statement that was sent out in an e-mail blast to both the MJAA and UMJC mailing lists: “We know you’ve enjoyed using our services to record all your conference sessions for the last seven years, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, you people just have too many conferences to keep up with and it has taken a toll on us over the years. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors and will see you again when Messiah returns. Which, given the current state of the world, may be sooner than we think. Anyway, thank you all for your years of loyalty. It’s much appreciated.”

“And then I woke up from that terrible dream,” said President Bernis. “Must have been some bad sushi or something. Anyway, let’s make sure to thank Manna Recording for all that they do; they truly are the unsung heroes of Messianic Judaism.”

www.mannarecording.com

 

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Rival Street Gangs Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus to Present Updated Version of West Side Story

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Murca – Jets on the left, Sharks on the right, there’s gonna be a mitzvah tonight. Interesting news from the two largest Messianic Missionary organizations this week, as Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus simultaneously announced they will be starring alongside each other in an updated version of the hit Broadway musical “West Side Story.” West Side Story, also known as a modern day Romeo and Juliet, revolves around two rival street gangs who struggle to co-exist with each other in 1950s New York City. This is somehow incredibly appropriate for two organizations that, for some reason, seem to compete against each other, if you will, while serving the exact same purpose.

“We wanted to show the world we can get along by pretending to fight,” explained Chosen People Ministries President, Dr. Mitch Glaser, on his blog. “In the new version of West Side Story, Chosen People Missionaries will be cast as Sharks and Jews for Jesus Missionaries will be cast as Jets. We’ve also updated the lyrics to reflect what we represent, such as ‘When you’re a Jew you’re a Jew all the way from your first matzah ball to your last dying day’ and ‘I’d like to go make Aliyah/But I can’t cuz I love Yeshua/Everything’s hard when you love Yeshua/Except for your heart cuz you love Yeshua.’ Also, instead of the rumbles being fought with weapons, we will be going back and forth with different tracts, which are essentially saying the same thing. Really, it doesn’t make sense for us to fight with each other at all when we have the exact same message, but musicals don’t always make sense. Hopefully it’ll make for a good show though.”

The new production is set to air on PBS on February 11th and you will also be able to purchase a copy of the show from chosenpeople.com and jewsforjesus.org

 

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Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | Congregant’s Vacation Leaves Synagogue in Chaos

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Colorado Springs, CO – Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth David, was left reeling this weekend when long-time member Samuel Weinberg took a rare vacation to attend a family reunion in California, sources report.

“I had no idea,” said dance leader Rebekah Morris. “In the back of my mind I always knew Sam did a lot behind the scenes, but I guess I never realized just how crucial he was until that horrible service.”

According to those who attended the service, the trouble was apparent from the moment congregants entered the sanctuary. “I didn’t even know they take the chairs down during the week,” said Stu Weiss, one of the first members to arrive. “But apparently they do, because whoever put them back out didn’t have the first clue what they were doing. There was this one huge section – each row must have been about 12 chairs long, and one end of it was against the wall, so the people on the far end had no easy way out. And the other section was facing the complete wrong way, so you had to crane your neck to see the bimah. It was awful.”

By all accounts, things only deteriorated further once the service started.  The projector malfunctioned, and without Sam to fix it, the praise and worship service became a muddled mess as people struggled to sing along to the upside-down slides. The Torah service then ground to a halt as Rabbi Michael Rosenthal was forced to spend about 15 minutes rolling the scroll to the right passage. During that time, the children who had been dismissed minutes earlier, came back into the sanctuary, informing their parents that the Shabbat school room was locked and there was no teacher. And at the after-service oneg, everyone was dismayed to learn that the delicious chili, normally the highlight of the meal, was yet another of Sam’s unsung contributions.

“All I can say is, I’m never coming to another service if Sam isn’t here,” said Morris. “That mess with the projector threw off the praise and worship so badly that the songs were just about impossible to dance to. I nearly twisted my ankle. I swear, never again.” Her sentiments were echoed by several other members, all of whom had their own mishaps to recount.

“I got stuck in one of the giant rows, on the end up against the wall,” complained Marty Stein. “I had to go to the bathroom for half the service, but getting out of there would have been way too disruptive. By the time the service was over I thought I was going to explode.”

“My kids can’t sit still through one of Rabbi Rosenthal’s messages,” said Cathy Meyer. “We tried to tough it out, but five minutes after they came back up they started throwing a fit, so we had to leave early. At the time I was really upset that I wouldn’t get any of that wonderful chili they always have at the oneg, but from what I hear I guess that turned out not to be the biggest issue anyway.”

At press time, the Rabbi, staff and congregants were in the midst of an emergency prayer meeting, praying urgently for the swift and safe return of Mr. Weinberg.

 

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