Category Archives: Messianic Organizations

UMJC Votes to Consider Gentiles Human Beings

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange turn of events this week, The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations called forth an emergency meeting to vote once and for all on an important subject matter than has plagued the Messianic movement since the beginning of time: are Gentiles actually human beings or did they, in fact, descend from monsters, as our ancestors foretold?

“You know what? I’m real sick of the way Gentiles are treated in this movement!” Said former UMJC President, Rabbi Kirk Gliebe. “They only get half of a vote in the MJAA and no vote whatsoever in the YMJA. They can’t even work on the front lines of Jews for Jesus unless they’re married to a Jewish person. The UMJC is better than that! The MJAA doesn’t have to acknowledge Gentiles as humans, but we have to be the ones to set the example. We have to be a light. Monsters are people, too.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Rabbi Rich Nichol added. “Monsters have every bit of right to be here as real Jewish human beings do. Let’s stop making them drink out of separate Kiddish cups and remove the Monster mechitzas we all have in our congregations and let them be discriminated against by secular Jews and Christians for being part of the Messianic movement, like the rest of us! We’re all in this together and most of them actually work harder and contribute more to the Messianic movement than us Jews do. One of them even changed my flat tire last week so I didn’t have to call AAA!”

The vote to consider Gentiles human beings passed almost unanimously and Rich Nichol helped celebrate the victory by playing a jazz flute solo he called “The Monsters Won’t Hurt Me Because They’re on My Side.” Now we hope and pray the other organizations in the movement will read Ephesians 2:11-22 and just let everyone play together in the sandbox, as God intended. Unity is the answer. No wonder there are so many issues in the movement.

Who Was Beth Messiah and Why Are So Many Messianic Congregations Named After Her?

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Born Beth Hallel in 1922 in Brooklyn, New York, to Russian-Jewish Immigrants turned Vaudeville performers, Keren Ohr and Hillel Hallel, Beth Messiah was raised in a one bedroom apartment with nine siblings. Though her life started with humble beginnings, she would go on to become someone who is often hailed as “The Chuck Norris of Messianic Judaism.”

Beth Messiah led an epic life with events that ranged from leading Joel Chernoff’s parents to The Lord, to riding the Loch Ness Monster barebacked, to jump roping across the United States in a matter of three days, to planting what is now the largest Messianic Congregation in the world.

Beth Messiah met her husband, Walter Messiah, while grooming rabid bears in Alaska and the two would later head the committee to unify the MJAA and the UMJC. Sadly, they did not succeed, but the effort was still there.

Beth Messiah passed away in 1989 after being eaten by a bear, but her legacy lives on in the names of countless Messianic congregations throughout the United States. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Rest in peace, Beth Messiah. We couldn’t bear to not let your memory be for a blessing.

Greater Messianic Community Asks That Everyone Please Change Their Last Name to Adler

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Murca – The greater Messianic community has issued a statement sent to all Messianic congregations in America asking that everyone who identifies as Messianic please change their last name to Adler. Representatives from all major Messianic organizations came together this week to discuss the future of Messianic Judaism and how we can greater impact the world. A decision was made that we need to be set apart from everyone else and the best way to do that is to unite with a common last name so that everyone knows we are together. A study put out by the MJAA and the UMJC has shown that the most common last name in Messianic Judaism is Adler; more Messianics either already have the last name, Adler, or are related to someone who does. Choosing Adler as the common last name means less people will have to change their name.

“Yeah I’m part of the Adler clan, but not everyone realizes that, because my last name is Walters,” stated Messianic community member Joshua Isaac Walters. “It’s really hard to go to a Messianic conference and pull the ‘Do you know who I am?’ card when my last name isn’t even recognized as being Messianic. And my Father-in-law is a Messianic Rabbi, but he has a different last name entirely. It’s just hard, sometimes, to be taken seriously in this movement when you’re not a Chernoff or a Rosenberg or an Adler. I agree with this decision 100%.”

While not a requirement to be Messianic, going through life with the same last name as all your Messianic mishpocha will certainly make things easier. And as Yeshua said, “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have the same last name.” Or something like that.

 

 

***Rabbi Jeff Adler suffered a heart attack this past May and is working hard to recover. Please consider donating to help him with his medical bills and expenses gofundme.com/rabbijeff

Head of Jews for Judaism Accidentally Discovers the 53rd Chapter of Isaiah

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange, turn of events this week, the President of Jews for Judaism, David Rifkind, has discovered Isaiah 53. Jews for Judaism, an anti-missionary organization that was named after Jews for Jesus, has been trying to steer Jews away from Yeshua since 1985.

Jews around the world read the same Torah (The first five books of the Old Testament) and Haftorah (the other books in the Old Testament) portions during the same week everywhere. However, they skip from Isaiah 52 right to Isaiah 54, ignoring Isaiah 53 altogether. Most Jews have never even read Isaiah 53, which talks about qualities of the coming Messiah.

“It’s really incredible,” said Rifkind, in a recent Facebook post. “All these years I’ve been telling people there’s no proof in the Tanakh (Old Testament) that Jesus is The Messiah and here it is, right in front of my schnoz! I didn’t even know there was an Isaiah 53! I thought it was like high rise buildings that don’t have a 13th floor…they just don’t have one and you don’t know why, but you don’t question it either. You just accept it and move on with your day. Oddly enough, I was reading my Tanakh this week while eating a greasy breakfast burrito and the book slipped out of my hand and fell on the floor, face up, opened to Isaiah 53. I couldn’t believe it! When I asked my wife about it she also had no idea there was a 53rd chapter of Isaiah! Like me, she also thought it was like the 13th floor of a high rise building. I immediately went to The Googles to see if anyone else knew there was an Isaiah 53. Sure enough, there are some people aware of Isaiah 53…my old nemeses Jews for Jesus, in fact. I stumbled upon this article that explains Isaiah 53 and now I need to quit my job. Oy gevalt! If anybody wants to hire a nice Jewish boy who is sometimes wrong, but now sees the truth, let me know!”

Rifkind has since left his job and is currently looking for a new career. He is in talks with Jews for Jesus to come on staff, which would make him a counter-counter-missionary.

Sesame Workshop to Begin Production on New Messianic Jewish Version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street”

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New York City, NY – Sesame Workshop announced this week it will begin production on its 40th co-production, which will be a Messianic Jewish incarnation called Tahini Street. Tahini Street will draw influence from both its Israeli and American Jewish counterparts, Rechov SumSum and Shalom Sesame, as well as American Messianic Jewish culture. Favorite characters appearing in the show will include Elmo, Moishe Oofnik, and Kippi Ben Kippod, as well as newcomer native Chicagoan Muppets Goldie and Shlomo, and humans, such as Azee the Clown and The Great Benafuchi. Topics covered on the show will include eating, laughing, matchmaking, and conferencing. Special guests that have signed on to appear so far are Joel Chernoff, Stuart Dauermann, Jonathan Cahn, and Susan Perlman.

Some Hebrew lessons will be included, however they will only be transliterated into English, rather than shown with the characters of the Alef-Bet, and will be taught using a flannelgraph. Messianic dancing will also be demonstrated on the show and performed to classic songs such as “Rubber Ducky Lai Lai Lai” and “C is for Challah.” Proper shofar etiquette will be stressed throughout the season, in addition to lessons on what it means to have a Jewish heart and why it’s okay for gentiles to attend and fully participate in a Messianic congregation.

Tahini Street will be available as an app for both iPad/iPhone and Android, so children can watch during screen time. The show will be funded as a joint effort between MJAA, UMJC, JFJ, CPM, JVMI, TLV, and The Messianic Times. Please consider donating to one of these fine organizations to keep Tahini Street in production.

UMJC Announces New “Mystery Shopping” Program for Congregations

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Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations announced this week it would be rolling out a new mystery shopping program, of sorts. Restaurants and retailers utilize secret shoppers to help them figure out how their service rates, and now Messianic congregations across the country will be following suit.

In 2010 The UMJC launched The Kehilah 2020 Initiative, or K20 for short. K20’s main goal is to have a thriving Messianic congregation in every city in America that has a heavy Jewish population, by the year 2020. “We’re more than halfway to the deadline and we still have a long way to go,” said UMJC Representative, Abe Melman. “Having secret shoppers visiting different congregations and reporting back to us on the pros and cons of the Shabbat services will help us figure out why some congregations are growing and why some aren’t. If we can pinpoint a formula for a successful congregation, we can make sure the future congregations we plant and current congregations that need help use that formula.”

The new mystery shopping program will begin early 2017 and will reimburse travel and hotel expenses up to 500 miles away from your home congregation. To apply to become a mystery shopper for The UMJC please visit kehilah2020.org or umjc.org

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If you are interested in finding a Messianic congregation near you, visit http://iamcs.org/congregations or http://congregations.umjc.org. These lists are not exhaustive, however. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, please feel free to private message me, leave a comment here, or e-mail me at messianicmeow@gmail.com and I will do my best to help you locate a local congregation.

Messianic Musicians Come Together to Record Song to Raise Funds for Repeated Droughts in Israel

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Murca – Nearly every recording artist in the Messianic movement has come together, in the style of live aid, to record a song to raise funds for the repeated droughts in Israel. In America, we pray for rain to stop, but in Israel they pray for it to start; perspective. The song “It Shall Rain Over All the Earth” was recorded over the course of two months and is expected to be released between Sukkot and Passover, when God causes the wind to blow and the rain to fall.

The cavalcade of Messianic stars includes the following artists: Corry Bell, Ted Pearce, Joel Chernoff, Paul Wilbur, Marty Goetz, Jamie H. of MIQEDEM, Shai Sol, Deborah Kline-Iatorno, Jeremiah & Hannah Zaretsky, Alumni from ‘Yeladim for Yeshua’ and ‘You Gotta Jump,’ former members of The Liberated Wailing Wall, former members of Blue Mosaic, The Havdalah Spice Girls (Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf), Nate Benjamin, Roman & Alaina, Jonathan Settel, Rabbi Jan Rosenberg, Matt Gliebe and Kimi Moore Padrick (NAVI), Isaac Faraco (How to Fly), Joshua Aaron, Dr Greg Silverman, Eric & Joanne Kragenbrink, Judah & Jennifer Morrison, Barry & Batya Segal, Kaily Teeter, and Margaret Alexander. There will also be a special rap verse by Hazakim, Jeremiah Kaufman, and Aviad Cohen.

The new single will be available on iTunes, mjaa.org, umjc.org, jewsforjesus.org, and jewishvoice.org for $10 and 100% of proceeds will go towards helping make it rain in Israel. The group calls themselves “It’s Raining Mensches” and hopes to be able to perform together at AMF 2.0.

Messianic Jewish Colony to Open on the Moon

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Murca – A Messianic Jewish colony will open on Earth’s Moon sometime in the future. After announcements came from both Chosen People Ministries and Jonathan Bernis this week about Messianic activity on the Moon, it was time to make the news of the new Colony official. While this has been in the works for quite a while, it has been kept under wraps, due to licensing and privacy issues.

“We already use the Lunar Calendar in Judaism, so this actually makes perfect sense,” said Rabbi David Chernoff of Congregation Beth Yeshua (CBY) of Philadelphia. “CBY is large enough to be a self sustaining Kibbutz, so we are actually going to move our entire congregation to the Moon, when the time comes and extend an invitation to the greater Messianic community to join us as you see fit. We’re working closely with Aaron Trank and his former NASA colleagues to make this happen and are very excited for what the future holds with this new Messianic colony.”

Plans are already in place for the new Messianic Moon Colony to have a Yeshualand and will also be home to an exact replica of both Messiah College and The Rosen Plaza Hotel; anyone coming to Muchan 2020 will have their choice of staying in either place. In addition, Brews for Jesus plans to move their new headquarters to the Moon. Trank will Periscope the progress as soon as the project is far enough along that it can be made public. The new Messianic colony is expected to be crater than any other living situation for Messianics.

Jonathan Bernis Announces Third Yeshualand Location Will Be on the Moon

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced today that the third location of Yeshualand will be on the Moon. The announcement came one day after Chosen People Ministries announced they would be holding Muchan 2020 on the Moon. The announcement was a bit of a shock, and also sort of not.

“I’ve actually had this in the works for quite a while,” Bernis stated in an early morning press conference. “I wasn’t planning to announce this just yet, but yesterday’s announcement from Chosen People left me with no choice. Come on, Chosen People, you’re not pioneers in the Moon industry; I am! By the time you have your conference four years from now we’ll have an entire Messianic colony set up there. I think ‘RK’ spoke a little too soon yesterday when he said, and I quote, ‘Not even Jonathan Bernis has done anything with the Moon before.’ Really, RK? Clearly you were underestimating my resources.”

Yeshualand Moon will have select features and attractions from both Yeshualand Ethiopia and Yeshualand Arizona, as well as new features such as a gravity simulator, an all you can eat cheese bar, scales to tell you how much you weigh, and the first lunar Brews for Jesus Cafe.

No word yet on when Yehsualand Moon will open, though it appears it will most likely be before the end of 2020. We are still awaiting word on how people will actually get there, though both Chosen People and Jonathan Bernis insist that it’s definitely going to happen. Stay tuned for more word on the future of Messianic space travel.