Category Archives: Messianic Lifestyle

BREAKING NEWS: Life in Messiah Exists

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Lansing, IL – Breaking news out of Chicago today as we just found out there is a Jewish Evangelistic organization that is not Jews for Jesus and not Chosen People Ministries. The organization, called Life in Messiah, works similarly to the aforementioned organizations, but is a separate entity. Not only is it a separate entity, but it just plain exists. I mean, really, who knew??

“Our organization has actually been around since 1887,” Life in Messiah Director, Wes Taber, explained to us. “And we have over 14,000 Facebook fans, which is a lot more than I can say for The Messianic Meow. Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard of ‘Life in Messiah’ is because we keep changing our name. We started as the Chicago Hebrew Mission, then became American Messianic Fellowship, then AMF International (but not that AMF), and now we mostly go by ‘The organization formerly known as Prince of Peace is the answer.’ But, you know, we still prefer Life in Messiah.”

So there you have it, folks. Life in Messiah…it’s real. It’s a thing. It’s…aliiiive. So check them out on the web www.lifeinmessiah.org

Meow out.

 

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Messianic Judaism Ceases to Exist After Manna Recording Suddenly Disbands

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Murca – Strange news this week as Manna Recording and Duplication announced it has disbanded after seven years in business. Manna Recording, the company that has been responsible for recording and making CDs of all sessions from Messianic conferences, has split up over “creative differences.” Sadly, it turns out they were actually the glue that held Messianic Judaism together. Without them, there’s no proof that conferences happened and without conferences, there’s just really no point.

Wendy Orth, the now former Owner of Manna Recording, issued a statement that was sent out in an e-mail blast to both the MJAA and UMJC mailing lists: “We know you’ve enjoyed using our services to record all your conference sessions for the last seven years, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, you people just have too many conferences to keep up with and it has taken a toll on us over the years. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors and will see you again when Messiah returns. Which, given the current state of the world, may be sooner than we think. Anyway, thank you all for your years of loyalty. It’s much appreciated.”

“And then I woke up from that terrible dream,” said President Bernis. “Must have been some bad sushi or something. Anyway, let’s make sure to thank Manna Recording for all that they do; they truly are the unsung heroes of Messianic Judaism.”

www.mannarecording.com

 

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Rival Street Gangs Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus to Present Updated Version of West Side Story

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Murca – Jets on the left, Sharks on the right, there’s gonna be a mitzvah tonight. Interesting news from the two largest Messianic Missionary organizations this week, as Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus simultaneously announced they will be starring alongside each other in an updated version of the hit Broadway musical “West Side Story.” West Side Story, also known as a modern day Romeo and Juliet, revolves around two rival street gangs who struggle to co-exist with each other in 1950s New York City. This is somehow incredibly appropriate for two organizations that, for some reason, seem to compete against each other, if you will, while serving the exact same purpose.

“We wanted to show the world we can get along by pretending to fight,” explained Chosen People Ministries President, Dr. Mitch Glaser, on his blog. “In the new version of West Side Story, Chosen People Missionaries will be cast as Sharks and Jews for Jesus Missionaries will be cast as Jets. We’ve also updated the lyrics to reflect what we represent, such as ‘When you’re a Jew you’re a Jew all the way from your first matzah ball to your last dying day’ and ‘I’d like to go make Aliyah/But I can’t cuz I love Yeshua/Everything’s hard when you love Yeshua/Except for your heart cuz you love Yeshua.’ Also, instead of the rumbles being fought with weapons, we will be going back and forth with different tracts, which are essentially saying the same thing. Really, it doesn’t make sense for us to fight with each other at all when we have the exact same message, but musicals don’t always make sense. Hopefully it’ll make for a good show though.”

The new production is set to air on PBS on February 11th and you will also be able to purchase a copy of the show from chosenpeople.com and jewsforjesus.org

 

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Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | Congregant’s Vacation Leaves Synagogue in Chaos

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Colorado Springs, CO – Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth David, was left reeling this weekend when long-time member Samuel Weinberg took a rare vacation to attend a family reunion in California, sources report.

“I had no idea,” said dance leader Rebekah Morris. “In the back of my mind I always knew Sam did a lot behind the scenes, but I guess I never realized just how crucial he was until that horrible service.”

According to those who attended the service, the trouble was apparent from the moment congregants entered the sanctuary. “I didn’t even know they take the chairs down during the week,” said Stu Weiss, one of the first members to arrive. “But apparently they do, because whoever put them back out didn’t have the first clue what they were doing. There was this one huge section – each row must have been about 12 chairs long, and one end of it was against the wall, so the people on the far end had no easy way out. And the other section was facing the complete wrong way, so you had to crane your neck to see the bimah. It was awful.”

By all accounts, things only deteriorated further once the service started.  The projector malfunctioned, and without Sam to fix it, the praise and worship service became a muddled mess as people struggled to sing along to the upside-down slides. The Torah service then ground to a halt as Rabbi Michael Rosenthal was forced to spend about 15 minutes rolling the scroll to the right passage. During that time, the children who had been dismissed minutes earlier, came back into the sanctuary, informing their parents that the Shabbat school room was locked and there was no teacher. And at the after-service oneg, everyone was dismayed to learn that the delicious chili, normally the highlight of the meal, was yet another of Sam’s unsung contributions.

“All I can say is, I’m never coming to another service if Sam isn’t here,” said Morris. “That mess with the projector threw off the praise and worship so badly that the songs were just about impossible to dance to. I nearly twisted my ankle. I swear, never again.” Her sentiments were echoed by several other members, all of whom had their own mishaps to recount.

“I got stuck in one of the giant rows, on the end up against the wall,” complained Marty Stein. “I had to go to the bathroom for half the service, but getting out of there would have been way too disruptive. By the time the service was over I thought I was going to explode.”

“My kids can’t sit still through one of Rabbi Rosenthal’s messages,” said Cathy Meyer. “We tried to tough it out, but five minutes after they came back up they started throwing a fit, so we had to leave early. At the time I was really upset that I wouldn’t get any of that wonderful chili they always have at the oneg, but from what I hear I guess that turned out not to be the biggest issue anyway.”

At press time, the Rabbi, staff and congregants were in the midst of an emergency prayer meeting, praying urgently for the swift and safe return of Mr. Weinberg.

 

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Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC

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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

 

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The 12 Most Influential Messianics Under 12

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2)  Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3)  Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4)  David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.

5)  David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6)  Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7)  David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8)  David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.

9)  Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and  she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Dr. Greg Silverman to Conduct Yeshualand Philharmonic Orchestra

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Arizona, Murca – With the unveiling of Yeshualand Arizona, home state of the headquarters of President Jonathan Bernis’ Jewish Voice Ministries International (JVMI), some big things are happening, including the creation of a full-size Messianic Philharmonic Orchestra, The Yeshualand Players, who will perform at the grand opening of both the upcoming Arizona and Seattle locations.

The instrumentation of the Yeshualand Players Ensemble includes a 54-piece shofar section of different shapes, forms and sizes, a 128-piece tambourine section, and even 18 flag wavers and dancers.

Dr. Greg Silverman will be conducting the Yeshualand Players, and Rabbi Rich Nichol will be featured on jazz flute, soaring on top of the beautiful orchestra.  We had a chance to catch up with both of them.

“I’m overjoyed to be playing with these cats,” says Nichol, who’s always looking for a good opportunity to use his excellent music skills. “Not only will we be in a beautiful location for a good cause, it’ll just be a great time to play with the boys in the band. It’ll be a different sound – shofars and flute – and tambourines. Wow. Let’s hope we can keep the beat and stay on the ball with Dr. Greg.”

Dr. Greg couldn’t agree more. “This is a big step our Movement has never seen in its history. A Philharmonic orchestra! How amazing!!”

Says President Bernis, who will be joining the ensemble on Bass Shofar, “Our movement is getting ready to hear a joyful noise it has never heard before. Get those groggers ready. If the debut goes well, we’re taking this on the road. Look out, Messiah ’17; The Yeshualand Players are ready for you!”

As always, Manna Recording will be there to make sure CDs will be available of these performances. They can be purchased on site or at www.jewishvoice.org. For more information on Dr. Greg Silverman, visit www.gregsilverman.com and Rich Nichol visit www.ruachisrael.org

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Hold New Reality Show to Find Their Next Rabbi

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Las Vegas, NV – Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue of Las Vegas is pleased to announce their new Internet Reality show “Lev Hashem’s Next Rabbi.”

“We have been without a spiritual leader for over a year and a half now. What better way to choose a replacement, than through a competition show?” Says Karen Gloyd, of the Lev HaShem board.

15 possible Rabbis will compete weekly in different events, such as “Speed Torah Scrolling,” “Best Drash in under 20 minutes,” and “Congregational Referee.”

Each week the Rabbis will be scored by celebrity judges, including Matt Rosenberg, Jonathan Bernis, John Tesh, Paul Wilbur, and the leader of the Real Complete Jewish Synagogue, Joel Liberman. Each week one Rabbi will be eliminated in a gripping “Kippah Ceremony.”

The winner of the competition will win a one year contract with Lev HaShem, a trip to Yeshualand for their whole family, and a copy of the new Messianic version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street.”

Celebrity Host for the show will be Sharon Wilbur of The Havdalah Spice Girls.

For more information on the search for the new Rabbi, please visit www.levhashem.org

 

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ARCH Leadership Summit Ends in Chaos After Everyone Leaves Without a New CC

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Orlando, FL – Disaster has struck the 2017 ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando this weekend after not one single attendee found a new conference crush. This marks the first time in the history of Messianic Jewish conferences that there have been no matches made, even if just unrequited. While completely out of the ordinary, there were some survivors of the incident.

“In all my years of attending conferences, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said YMJA Secretary, Melissa Brown, via The YMJA Facebook page. “I don’t even understand how you can get a whole conference room full of Messianic guys and girls and not one single person has developed new feelings for someone. The YMJA exec board had an emergency Skype meeting to discuss this. We think the problem stemmed from Nate Benjamin not attending this year’s Summit, which triggered a horrific chain reaction of hearts turning to stone, but there’s absolutely no way to prove that. The conference ended with everyone scrambling to find someone they might have slight feelings for, to no avail. Sadly, if this happens again it could mean extinction for the entire Messianic movement.”

We, at The Messianic Meow, are just absolutely famisht, verklempt, and plotzing at this tragic news. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the young people who have had to deal with such a travesty and we hope they will be able to bounce back quickly and find some new CCs during the Summer 2017 conference season. Godspeed, young people; Godspeed.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Vine of David Publishes New Emoji Talmud

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Marshfield, MO  – First Fruits of Zion, a Messianic teaching ministry, decided to make a big announcement that was a long time coming….in fact eighteen years in the works!

“Millennials are having trouble understanding big English words,” concluded First Fruits of Zion director, Boaz Michael. “Words like ‘advertisement’ are hard for them to understand, no less ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘epistemology’ for instance. So reaching millennials for Messiah Yeshua through big words is not going to happen. Also, learning big words in a new language is quite challenging…. Hebrew is no walk in the park for about 97% of the Messianic movement.  That’s why they’re relying on Yeshualand amusement parks for their kicks and giggles. For the remaining 3% of those who can understand Hebrew, well, they’re something else. This has nothing to do with the monster that we call the Messianic Gentile…”

Michael and his team took much time in deliberation on how to reach more young people. “We thought, and we thought, and we thought” said Aaron Eby, a writer for First Fruits of Zion. “ We were thinking about a TV show, but then we realized, we already have one. Then we thought…..hmmmm how about a club, a cool spot for all of them youngins to learn the Torah that’s hip? No, that already exists in our Torah Club series. Then how about a Torah learning center in the heart of Jerusalem? Nope. Got that too. Next…”

“What we came up with is this: How ‘bout an emoji version of the Talmud?” said First Fruits educator, Daniel Thomas Lancaster. “After all, no big words. Young people won’t have to read English OR Hebrew. They’ll just learn Judaism 101 through pictures! Brilliantly genius!!”

Young people are getting excited to see this new version of the Talmud. “I’m always on my iPhone. I just frankly don’t like to sit down and read books,” said Or Lishmor, a Boston native. “Now I’m so stoked to learn about Judaism in a gripping fashion. Who knew Messianics are so cool??” Feivel Feldmanstein, a fifteen year old Messianic teen from Temple Aron HaKodesh in Ft. Lauderdale couldn’t agree more. “Hebrew has been a constant struggle for me. So much so, that in my Hebrew school, I’ve been noted saying, ‘The Struggle is Real…with Hebrew.’ Now I’m gonna show this new Talmud to my buddies!”

Rabbis are getting excited as well. “What we noticed is that Hebrew literacy is declining,” said Rabbi Reuben Robenstein, congregational leader of Adat HaTorah Chaim in Sticksville, Georgia. “We want our young people to understand the beauty of Torah! Who knows, maybe they’ll come to the Congregation of the Living Torah one day?”

The release is expected within the first part of 2017. See http://ffoz.org/ for more information.

 

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