We’ll be back soon with more articles. In the meantime, there is going to be a debate tonight between Dr. Michael Brown and Rabbi Daniel Freitag about whether or not Jesus is the Jewish Messiah. It will be live streamed at this link tonight at 7pm EDT/6pm CDT. Check it out and share with your friends (this is not a joke)!
EDIT: If you’d like to view the archived video, you may watch it here.
Elder Hezekiah Hawkins, on behalf of the synagogue board, has reported that Rabbi Leslie Horowitz of Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance Messianic Congregation in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, has been temporarily removed from his pulpit after falling into heresy.
“Yes, it pained us to do so. Rabbi Horowitz has been with us for eighteen years now, and we all love him. But we found he crossed a boundary we could not tolerate. As my wife, Amanda, reminded me, ‘ Above all, we must protect God’s sheep.’”
Rabbi Horowitz, a graduate of Rhema and Ruach Bible School, began to show his first signs of deviance about three months ago. “Yes, that was when it started to happen. At first we thought it was an oversight. Soon it was clear that it was deliberate. Then we had no choice: we just had to take action.”
When representatives of The Messianic Meow pressed Elder Hawkins for details, he at first refused to disclose them. “It’s a private matter,” he said; “Very private.”
However, when reminded that the Elder Board’s responsibility to protect God’s sheep extends beyond their own congregation, Hawkins relented. “Yes, I can see that we have to protect others from this damnable heresy, this doctrine of demons, this curse upon God’s people.”
“Okay. With the help of God, I will tell you what he did.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and with trembling lips he disclosed his horrible secret:
“The Rabbi stopped taking offerings.”
This was all Hawkins could say. What followed was little more than inarticulate sobbing.
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David and Joel Chernoff and the entire leadership of the MJAA-ROI is ecstatic to announce the discovery that Joel Osteen is really a Jew named Joel Ostein.
He will be speaking at next year’s Messiah Conference on the subject, “Shekels From Yeshua: Riches from the Ruach.”
When recently interviewed by MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, Ostein, who now goes by the name ‘Yoel,’ affirmed his Jewish roots. “Yes, I always sensed I was Jewish. At our church, whenever we took an offering, I felt an anointing fall upon me. After all, we all know how good our people are with money!” At that, Ostein smiled and the glare from his teeth caused six people nearby to have an out of the body experience.
Ostein’s wife, Victoria also feels sure she is Jewish, and is now longer going by Victoria, but rather Nitzachonia. “Yes, I feel Jewish too,” she said. In fact, I have contacted the Crouch family so I might use the wigs Jan left behind when she ascended to the Kavod of Adonai. Now that I have discovered my Jewish roots, I need a sheitel so I can be a modest wife for my husband, rabbi Yoel.”
Ostein is delighted with his newfound niche. “I am proud to be a genuine Jew,” he said. “So much so that I am having each of my jets outfitted with tzit tzit hanging from the wings.”
Final arrangements are also being made to change his congregation’s name from Lakewoood Church to K’nisiyah Etz HaYam. “It will take some getting used to,” Ostein admits, “but Nitzchona and I are going to work hard at bringing along the mishpocka.”
Ostein is still learning how to pronounce Hebrw terms. But for the time being, mishpocha will have to be mishpocka. “Look,” he said, “It took us eight months to get from Joel to Yo’el. Give us time.”
He again flashed the smile, causing three nearby cars to collide. Explaining the phenomenon he added, “Look, the joy of The Lord is my strength. But for some people, I guess it’s just too strong!”
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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.
“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”
The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”
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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:
1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.
2) Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.
3) Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!
4) David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.
5) David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.
6) Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!
7) David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!
8) David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.
9) Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!
10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.
11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.
12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”
Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!
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Arizona, Murca – With the unveiling of Yeshualand Arizona, home state of the headquarters of President Jonathan Bernis’ Jewish Voice Ministries International (JVMI), some big things are happening, including the creation of a full-size Messianic Philharmonic Orchestra, The Yeshualand Players, who will perform at the grand opening of both the upcoming Arizona and Seattle locations.
The instrumentation of the Yeshualand Players Ensemble includes a 54-piece shofar section of different shapes, forms and sizes, a 128-piece tambourine section, and even 18 flag wavers and dancers.
Dr. Greg Silverman will be conducting the Yeshualand Players, and Rabbi Rich Nichol will be featured on jazz flute, soaring on top of the beautiful orchestra. We had a chance to catch up with both of them.
“I’m overjoyed to be playing with these cats,” says Nichol, who’s always looking for a good opportunity to use his excellent music skills. “Not only will we be in a beautiful location for a good cause, it’ll just be a great time to play with the boys in the band. It’ll be a different sound – shofars and flute – and tambourines. Wow. Let’s hope we can keep the beat and stay on the ball with Dr. Greg.”
Dr. Greg couldn’t agree more. “This is a big step our Movement has never seen in its history. A Philharmonic orchestra! How amazing!!”
Says President Bernis, who will be joining the ensemble on Bass Shofar, “Our movement is getting ready to hear a joyful noise it has never heard before. Get those groggers ready. If the debut goes well, we’re taking this on the road. Look out, Messiah ’17; The Yeshualand Players are ready for you!”
As always, Manna Recording will be there to make sure CDs will be available of these performances. They can be purchased on site or at www.jewishvoice.org. For more information on Dr. Greg Silverman, visit www.gregsilverman.com and Rich Nichol visit www.ruachisrael.org
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Marshfield, MO – First Fruits of Zion, a Messianic teaching ministry, decided to make a big announcement that was a long time coming….in fact eighteen years in the works!
“Millennials are having trouble understanding big English words,” concluded First Fruits of Zion director, Boaz Michael. “Words like ‘advertisement’ are hard for them to understand, no less ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘epistemology’ for instance. So reaching millennials for Messiah Yeshua through big words is not going to happen. Also, learning big words in a new language is quite challenging…. Hebrew is no walk in the park for about 97% of the Messianic movement. That’s why they’re relying on Yeshualand amusement parks for their kicks and giggles. For the remaining 3% of those who can understand Hebrew, well, they’re something else. This has nothing to do with the monster that we call the Messianic Gentile…”
Michael and his team took much time in deliberation on how to reach more young people. “We thought, and we thought, and we thought” said Aaron Eby, a writer for First Fruits of Zion. “ We were thinking about a TV show, but then we realized, we already have one. Then we thought…..hmmmm how about a club, a cool spot for all of them youngins to learn the Torah that’s hip? No, that already exists in our Torah Club series. Then how about a Torah learning center in the heart of Jerusalem? Nope. Got that too. Next…”
“What we came up with is this: How ‘bout an emoji version of the Talmud?” said First Fruits educator, Daniel Thomas Lancaster. “After all, no big words. Young people won’t have to read English OR Hebrew. They’ll just learn Judaism 101 through pictures! Brilliantly genius!!”
Young people are getting excited to see this new version of the Talmud. “I’m always on my iPhone. I just frankly don’t like to sit down and read books,” said Or Lishmor, a Boston native. “Now I’m so stoked to learn about Judaism in a gripping fashion. Who knew Messianics are so cool??” Feivel Feldmanstein, a fifteen year old Messianic teen from Temple Aron HaKodesh in Ft. Lauderdale couldn’t agree more. “Hebrew has been a constant struggle for me. So much so, that in my Hebrew school, I’ve been noted saying, ‘The Struggle is Real…with Hebrew.’ Now I’m gonna show this new Talmud to my buddies!”
Rabbis are getting excited as well. “What we noticed is that Hebrew literacy is declining,” said Rabbi Reuben Robenstein, congregational leader of Adat HaTorah Chaim in Sticksville, Georgia. “We want our young people to understand the beauty of Torah! Who knows, maybe they’ll come to the Congregation of the Living Torah one day?”
The release is expected within the first part of 2017. See http://ffoz.org/ for more information.
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Prague, Czech Republic – The Chosen People Ministries’ Messianic millennial’s conference, Muchan, was held, this past week, in Prague. Unlike most Messianic conferences, Muchan is held in a European city and specifically allows time for conference attendees to sightsee around the area. This year, the conference brought an excursion to the Prague Jewish Quarter, where the entire group decided to take pictures of the Spanish Synagogue, that they would immediately post to their social media accounts. For some people not attending Muchan, this meant seeing the same building, repeatedly, from various friends, in their news feeds.
“It’s incredible,” said conference attendee, David Falkowitz. “Incredible, that we can all post pictures of different angles of the same building and litter everyone’s Facebook and Instagram feeds with the same thing over and over again. It’s like when there’s a rainbow outside; we all have to do our civic duty to make sure anyone not there to witness it in person is still getting the full experience. The greatest view of all was the bathroom, though. It was just….breathtaking.”
Muchan typically takes place in a different European city every two years, but the next one is slated to be held on The Moon in 2020. For more information about Muchan, please head over to www.muchanconference.com
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Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kideshanu bemitzvotav, vitzivanu lehadlik ner shel Chanukah.
Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who sanctified us with your commandments and commanded us to kindle the light of Chanukah.
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, she’asah nissim la’avoteinu, bayamim hahem, ba-zeman hazzeh.
Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who performed miracles for our fathers in those days at this time.
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam she-heckiyanu v’kiyemanu v’higianu lazman hazzeh.
Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and brought us to this season.
messianiccomedy.com 