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Category Archives: Food
MJAA Announces New Post-Conference Registration For Messiah 2018
Messiah 2018 may be over, but that no longer means that those who couldn’t make it out have missed their chance to be a part of the MJAA’s biggest conference of the year. In a surprise announcement on the final night of the Conference, the MJAA revealed that they would be unveiling a brand new post-conference registration program for everyone who regrets not being able to attend. “We’re very excited to present this wonderful new registration option,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “We realize that coming to this conference can be a large financial burden, particularly for those coming from a long distance. Our new post-registration option provides a way for these people to enjoy a taste of the Conference experience without the costly endeavor of actually coming to Conference.”
Since post-Conference registrants will not actually be coming out to Grantham, PA, they will instead be shipped a variety of items specifically selected to replicate the Messiah Conference experience. Everyone who registers will receive the Conference schedule, an expired meal card with 5 unused meals on it, and a name badge with the time of the Shabbat dinner they would have liked to attend printed on it. They will also receive a link to an online marketplace filled with Messianic literature and music, a bafflingly large array of tie-dyed shirts, and lots of overpriced Israeli knick-knacks. Rounding out the package will be DVDs of all evening services and up to 3 classes of their choice, plus an exclusive free bonus DVD/CD set featuring over 2 hours of fundraising videos and 45 minutes of unintelligible dining room announcements. In addition, certain registrants will also be sent bonus items based on their personal details.
“Obviously, if you post-register for the YMJA you’ll receive a copy of their schedule and a link to a streaming copy of the YMJA rules video, plus the t-shirt if you pay the extra fee for it,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, at a question and answer session following the announcement. “Same goes for any additional programs you register for, be it kids’ program, Yeshiva, whatever. Any free physical items you’d get if you came here, we’ll mail them to you. That should pretty much go without saying. But much more exciting are some of the specialty bonus items available exclusively to those who post-register. For example, everyone who registers as single will receive a custom-made, handwritten list of potential spouses compiled by one of our on-staff yentas. And for young couples registering without children, we’ll include a free CD of people asking when they’re going to have kids.
The post-Conference registration program opened on Monday, July 9 and will run through the end of August. And while nobody has signed up as of press time, the MJAA is confident that it will prove to be a popular option. “It really is the most economic choice,” said Liberman. “We’ve really pulled out all the stops to provide the fullest Conference experience possible, minus the Conference itself. I know it’s a cliché, but it really is true: it’s the next best thing to being here.”
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The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!
With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.
Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.
How to play:
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”
•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage
•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair
•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you
•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:
-One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take
an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from
The Falcon
-Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes
-You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be
included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario
•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class
•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together
•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it
•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens
•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf
•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi
•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference
•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit
•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting
•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced
•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance
•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English
•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult
•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band
•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”
•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry
•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible
•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story
•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done
•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year
Our favorite mocktail recipes:
Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary
1 glass of tomato juice
1 stalk of celery
Ice (optional)
Virgin Mojitoseph Project
1 oz fresh lime juice
2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar
1 cup crushed ice
12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs
1 oz club soda
1 old lamb
Virgin White Russian Jew
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 oz cold brew coffee
1 jar of gefilte fish
Ice
Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach
1 oz peach juice
3 oz orange juice
3 oz cranberry juice
1 One piece bathing suit
The YMJA
Hummus
Chocolate milk
Fruit roll ups
Doritos
The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union
Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye
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IHOP Reveals New Name Actually Stands For ‘International House of Brit Milot’
Glendale, CA — After 60 years in business as IHOP, the International House of Pancakes announced this week it will be changing its name to IHOb, but has kept the new official name under wraps. Though most suspect the “b” will stand for ‘breakfast,’ IHOP has finally broken its silence and revealed it will actually stand for ‘Brit Milot,” which is the Hebrew term for male circumcision. On the heels of the movement of women gunning for public breastfeeding to be widely acceptable, one of America’s favorite breakfast chains is ready to see your half naked women and raise you fully naked babies.
“We’ve always been considered a Johnny-come-lately to Denny’s and it was time to take a drastic measure to really put us on the map,” IHOb’s VP of Marketing, J. Russell Findlay, posted on Facebook. “I know this is an extreme change, but we are very pleased to announce, that starting next week, each IHOb location will have a Mohel on hand, ready and available to perform table side circumcisions while you eat. Since food is a large part of the Jewish ceremony of male circumcision, you can now kill two birds with one stone, with food already on site. The idea came to me after watching my favorite movie, ‘Austin Powers in Goldmember.’ There is a scene where Goldmember is offering Austin Powers a ‘shmoke anna bancake’ or ‘smoke and a pancake’ and I thought, ‘That’s brilliant!’ But smoking in restaurants is outlawed in most states, so I had to come up with a plan B…a literal plan B. We can’t exactly offer a smoke and a pancake, but we can offer a schmecke and a pancake! So here we are. Am I Jewish? No; I just really like the word ‘schmecke.’”
Those that were expecting IHOP’s new name to emphasize more breakfast items than just pancakes have been sorely mistaken; no pun intended. If you’d like to make a reservation for the new Brit Milot services, simply contact your nearest IHOb and ask for the circumcision special. Come for the pancakes, stay to get your foreskin cut off.
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Christians Must ‘Unhitch’ Jesus From Their Faith, Says Andy Stanley
(SCREENSHOT: YOUTUBE/ANDY STANLEY)
Alpharetta, GA — The Senior Pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA, Andy Stanley, stated in his sermon, this past Sunday, that Christians must ‘unhitch’ their faith from Jesus. Just one week after suggesting that Christians must unhitch their faith from the Old Testament, Stanley has made yet another surprising announcement, that only furthers his belief in Replacement Theology. While many Christian Pastors are trying to get in touch with the Jewish roots of their faith, Stanley is working hard to drive a wedge between himself and the truth, and attempting to take as many misguided lemmings with him as possible.
“God has called us to be Christians,” Stanley said in his most recent sermon. “How can we be Christians when we are following a Jew? Jesus, or ‘Jewsus,’ as I like to call Him, is not a Christian; He is Jewish. To follow a Jew means we should be observing Jewish holidays and traditions, which we clearly are not doing, and have no intention to either. We must press onward and leave Jewsus behind with the rest of His kind. They are no longer God’s chosen people, but we are. And we must set an example for the rest of the world, by completely disregarding all of God’s instructions. It’s an uncharted path we’re walking here, but I’m confident, if we walk it together, we’ll get to where we need to be. And maybe that road doesn’t lead to Heaven, but maybe it leads somewhere better, like the Coca Cola headquarters, which are right here in sunny Atlanta. Look, I’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, I’m just saying it’s time to try something new. So we join forces and march onward, Christian soldiers. Onward to a new future and a new life. A life of high fructose corn syrup and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.”
Despite Andy Stanley’s recent ‘teachings,’ we know that Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 5:17-18 that He did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it, and until Heaven and Earth pass away, not even the smallest letter or stroke of a pen will disappear until everything comes to pass. Because of this, we can say for certain unhitching your faith from the Old Testament is completely against God’s will. But don’t take our word for it; head to BibleGateway or download the YouVersion Bible app and look it up for yourself, in the translation of your choice.
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Chocolate Omer Calendars Now Available in the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop
Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.
“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”
The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!
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We’ve moved!!
We’ve moved!!! You can now find us on the web at www.messianiccomedy.com !! We will begin selling ad space after Shavuot 
Jewish Millennial Literally Dies After Finding Out She Can’t Have Kombucha During Passover
Denver, CO — For most Jews, Passover is a time to reflect on God rescuing our people from slavery in Egypt. Though Passover shares a common theme with all Jewish holidays: they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat. Because of this, Passover revolves around food, and for some, the food we eat during Passover, especially home Seders, has become a big foodie paradise. Unfortunately, first world tragedy struck over the weekend as a young Jew found out the hard way that not all of her favorites belong at a Seder.
“I was so excited to share my homemade Kombucha with everyone at Seder this weekend,” says 27 year old Tamar Schwartz. “It was my first batch that I was going public with. I brought it to Seder and then my Rabbi told me Kombucha isn’t Kosher for Passover…what??? It’s because there’s yeast in it. I literally died when he told me that. Like, I seriously cannot even. Why me??? I worked so hard on making this Kombucha. I understand there’s yeast in it now and we can’t have yeast during Passover, but the nerve of him. Why can’t he just thank me for all my hard work and for actually bringing something to share with everyone? This is just so unfair.”
Sadly, thousands of millennials literally die everyday from first world problems, but the real problem here is thinking that being excited about something trumps the dietary restrictions of our people. Make sure you check every ingredient before making any assumptions. It’s not hard to rise to the occasion.
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NEW for 2018: The Messianic Zodiac!
We all know horoscopes and the zodiac come from Satan himself, but if we make our own then it’s okay! So without further ado here is the all new Messianic Zodiac. Simply look up the year you were born and find out all about your life!
•The year of the Shofar:
1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020, 2032
You are stubborn and love free food. People tend to abuse you, especially when they are trying to impress a crowd. Don’t hide your talents from the world, but don’t let people use them incorrectly either.
•The year of the Hummus:
1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021, 2033
You are stubborn and love free food. Keep that garlic breath to yourself, especially when on a date with someone you met online.
•The year of the Bagel:
1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022, 2034
You are stubborn and love free food. You are crusty on the outside and empty on the inside. Try filling that void with Yeshua.
•The year of the Matzah Ball Soup:
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023, 2035
You are stubborn and love free food. You are warm and comfort those around you when they are sick. Sometimes you will float and sometimes you will sink, but either way, you will always prevent people from pooping when they consume high doses of you.
•The year of the Kugel:
1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024, 2036
You are stubborn and love free food. You stand on your own without adding any unnecessary accoutrements, like raisins. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
•The year of the Vegetable Spring Rolls:
1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025, 2037
You are stubborn and love free food. Word on the street is you are so much better than your pork-filled counterparts. You’re most popular on Christmas.
•The year of the Joel Chernoff:
1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026, 2038
You are stubborn and love free food. You are full of lais, but where would we be without you? Probably in the UMJC.
•The year of the Challah:
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027, 2039
You are stubborn and love free food. Gluten is so last year and so are those shoes you still wear to Shul every week. Try getting a personal shopper or a stylist.
•The year of the felt banner that covers up the cross in the sanctuary of the church you rent from:
1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028, 2040
You are stubborn and love free food. You’re not fooling anyone by covering up your secrets. We know. We all know.
•The year of the Belt Loop Tzit-Tzit:
1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029, 2041
You are stubborn and love free food. Some people have you wrapped around their finger, while others keep you in their pocket. Don’t worry if people tell you you are not as important as head-coverings. They don’t care much for fringe benefits.
•The year of the Manischewitz Wine:
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030, 2042
You are stubborn and love free food. You are way too sweet for most people, but nonetheless you are a timeless classic. We can always count on you to stick around through the ages.
•The year of the Conference:
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031, 2043
You are stubborn and love free food. There’s sure a lot of you to go around, but without you, life as we know it would crumble.
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Church Potlucks vs. Synagogue Potlucks: A Holiday Guide For Those Who Are Straddling Two Worlds
With Chanukah and Christmas approaching, if you attend religious services somewhere, you are bound to have at least one potluck to attend in the near future. If you’re reading this, I would assume that, like me, you have spent at least part of your life bouncing back and forth between synagogues and churches. Maybe you’re unsatisfied with your local Messianic congregation, maybe you didn’t discover Messianic Judaism until later in life and are struggling with where you fit in, or maybe you are in a relationship where one of you is Jewish and the other is not. Whatever the case may be, you know that churches and synagogues, regardless of the sect or denomination, are vastly different from each other.
Though all four of my Grandparents were Jewish and my DNA test came up approximately 98.5% Ashkenazi, I was raised in a very Gentile area. Being Jewish in Mundelein was like being gay in 1953. You probably weren’t the only one, but nobody talked about it. And if you did talk about it, you were treated like you had Leprosy. So it was much easier to go to church and live my life as a Christian. It wasn’t until I was well into college that I found my way back to Messianic Judaism. And even then, I spent quite a while going back and forth between synagogues and churches. Because of this, I have been able to observe many potlucks, in both types of settings, and I am going to share with you what I’ve learned from these experiences:
When it comes to church potlucks, mayonnaise is key. That’s right; mayonnaise. Gentiles love mayonnaise based dishes. It doesn’t matter if it’s chicken, potatoes, macaroni, or old shoe laces. If it’s swimming in mayonnaise, they will eat that #@%! up. And by eat it up, I mean figuratively, of course. Don’t expect any food you bring to a church potluck to actually get eaten, despite the fact that you don’t have to worry about picky people, like you would at a Jewish potluck. Gentiles love to talk about eating food more than they actually love eating it. As a Jew, I can’t figure this one out, but we’ll get to that later. I’ve been to many a Gentile potluck and only once have I had something completely finished off, and that is my ‘Magic Guacamole.’ (And don’t think you’re getting the recipe, because that one’s gonna cost you). Everything else has no more than a few bites taken out of it, by the time the event ends. It doesn’t matter how good it is, how much people tell me they love it, or how much effort I put into it, it will not get eaten. I’ve given up. Why should I put effort into making food for people that won’t eat it? The last time I went to a potluck at a church I wound up just bringing a tub of cookie dough and stuck a few spoons in it. It was just as big of a hit, and I didn’t care as much when it didn’t get eaten.
Jewish potluck culture is pretty much the exact opposite of church potluck culture. First of all, every single person at a Synagogue or other Jewish function’s potluck is lactose intolerant, or can’t have gluten, or is allergic to something else, and everyone is incredibly picky and has certain things they absolutely will not eat. On top of this, you have varying levels of Kosher observances. Most Jews do not eat pork or shellfish, some will not mix meat and dairy, some will only eat food that is Kosher certified. Oy, there is so much to remember. Despite this, you can rest assured that your food will be eaten and you will not bring home anything more than a dirty dish. Unless of course what you made was terrible. In which case, I suggest you just stop at the store and pick something up before hand next time, instead of making it yourself. I have also been to many Jewish potlucks and I have never once brought home leftovers, which is amazing, because to a Jew, it is a great insult when people do not eat our food. There was once an almost of leftovers, however, when I brought a double batch of my mandel bread to a mezuzah hanging, but people found Ziploc bags and took the leftovers home with them! My synagogue has also started providing to-go boxes for everyone after the Yom Kippur break-fast. The only thing Jews love more than fresh food is leftovers. And, remember, the theme of every Jewish holiday is, “They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.” I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a Jewish function that didn’t revolve around food. Weddings, funerals. In fact, most Messianic synagogues even serve food after all of their services, including on Shabbat. And, from personal experience, I even gain weight during Yom Kippur, which involves a 25 hour fast, because it begins and ends with stuffing your face!
In summation:
•Church potlucks: They say they will eat anything, especially if it’s got mayonnaise in it, but they don’t actually eat anything after all
•Synagogue potlucks: Work around food allergies and dietary restrictions and all of your food will be eaten
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