Category Archives: Conferences

Early Bird Registration Deadline for Messiah Conference 2017 is May 31st, and They Mean it This Time. No, Really; They Do

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Springfield, PA – The beginning of Messiah Conference 2017 is now just 41 days away, and early bird registration discount prices are set to end on May 31st. The MJAA has a long history of extending their conference registration deadlines, but this year’s Messiah Conference will be unlike the others, as the MJAA has stated they will not be extending their early bird deadline this year.

“Yes, we are notorious for extending the registration deadline for all of our conferences,” said Conference Services representative, Leah Levine. “We extend the early bird and regular registration deadlines for Messiah Conference, our regional conferences, YMJA retreats, and ARCH Leadership Summit pretty regularly. You could actually set your watch to it. However, this year we have to lay down the law. We raised the price of Messiah Conference this year, and there’s a reason for that. If we could afford to give everyone the ‘early bird’ price up until the day of the conference we would. Somewhere along the way we lost sight of this being about money and now we have to make up for all those deadline extensions we granted. Plus, if we don’t keep people on their toes, they won’t keep coming back. So register by May 31st. Or else.”

You can register for Messiah Conference at www.messiahconference.org The cost is supposedly going to go up by $50 per person if you register after May 31st, but it will probably really be more like June 9th or 10th.

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Meme

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42 more days until Messiah Conference!

MJAA Announces Temporary Ban On New Rabbis Named David and Michael

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Springfield, PA – In a landmark press conference this week, MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, has announced a sweeping legal change within the Alliance. The new rule, passed unanimously by the board, will bar men named either David or Michael from seeking Rabbinic ordination through the organization. The ban will last for a period of six months, but includes a provision to extend it, should the board feel that such action is warranted.

When asked for explanation of the reasoning behind this unusual new rule, Rabbi Feldman explained that it was an attempt to ease an increasing confusion among the Rabbis. “Look, obviously nobody on the board has any problem with the names in and of themselves,” he said. “I mean, we’ve got two Davids and two Michaels on the board, all of whom voted for the rule. But that right there illustrates exactly why we needed to act. There are just too many of them. You call out for Rabbi David or Rabbi Michael at a Rabbis’ conference, and it seems like a good third of the crowd thinks you’re talking to them.”

However, Rabbi Feldman assured the gathered press that such an extreme measure was not undertaken lightly. “Believe me, this is a decision we’ve come to only after many hours of prayer and intense discussion. Our first thought was a rule that required all Rabbis to go by their last names, but that just resulted in the same problem spread wider. Do you realize how many father and son rabbis we have? I didn’t until we discussed standardizing to last names. And then there are guys like David Rosenberg who can’t get ahead either way; you try calling him by his last name to avoid the David issue and you just end up addressing his entire family, which all happen to be Messianic Rabbis as well. After that idea fell apart, we discussed adopting some kind of quota system, but everyone had his own idea on how to do that, and we ended up completely deadlocked on the details. In the end, the ban was all we could do for the time being. We’re hoping we’ll be able to hash out a better system at the next Rabbis’ conference, but frankly, if your name is David or Michael and you’re hoping to get ordained, you may want to pray about the virtues of going by your middle name.”

Since the announcement, widespread concern and confusion has been reported among the various Davids and Michaels currently scheduled for MJAA ordination. “It’s just that the wording is really unclear,” said David Baumstein, who’s scheduled to be ordained next month. “I’ve read through the new rule five times, and I still can’t figure out whether this means my appointment is canceled. And if it does apply to me, I can’t even use their suggestion of getting ordained under my middle name, because Michaels are banned too. I sent an email, but I haven’t heard back yet. If I don’t hear otherwise, I guess I’ll just have to go in and pray that everything turns out okay.”

While Rabbi Feldman and the rest of the MJAA board stressed that this is strictly a temporary measure, they also refused to rule out the possibility that, barring some more permanent solution, the ban could be extended or even expanded. “Look, this will be our top priority at the next meeting,” said Feldman, “but if you’ve never been to a Rabbis’ conference you can’t really understand how hard it is to come to a consensus on anything. You know the saying ‘two Jews, three opinions?’ Well, when those Jews are Rabbis, trust me, that’s a very low estimate.”

As for what may happen if the issue can’t be resolved in the next meeting, Rabbi Feldman refused to speculate, but did have one word of warning. “If we can’t solve it? We’ll deal with that if it comes up. But should that day arise, all I can say is potential Rabbis named Jeff may soon find themselves on thin ice as well.”

 

 

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YMJA Announces Extreme South Regional Retreat In Antarctica

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In response to the overwhelming success of their various regional conferences, the YMJA has announced the first ever youth-only Extreme South regional retreat, which will be the first regional conference to take place outside of the United States. The event will take place in January of 2018, and will be held at McMurdo base in Antarctica.

“We’re very excited to announce this new regional retreat,” said YMJA President Jason Rich. “It’s a fantastic opportunity for all of our YMJA members who are currently conducting scientific research at the South Pole, as well as those who would simply enjoy the change of scenery, to gather together and focus on their spiritual walks. This will be a true retreat, even more so than any of our other conferences – a chance to get away from all of life’s distractions and focus on fellowship and drawing closer to God.”

Obviously, the retreat’s polar location has prompted some adjustments to the YMJA’s usual retreat format. Rather than being set for a specific place and time, outdoor events such as the snowman competition, the penguin safari and the ice fishing will be scheduled to occur somewhere within a certain time range, with the precise time and location announced shortly before the event based on weather and leopard seal sightings. Indoor events will still have specified times, but since the base functions primarily as a research station, the events may shift locations due to the needs of the site’s staff.

The unusual site has also prompted some additions and tweaks to the rules. For example, the YMJA’s infamous modesty motto, “If your belly button shows, you’ve got to change your clothes,” has been altered to better suit the situation of the retreat’s extreme climate; as such, attendees will instead be informed that, “If your belly button shows, remember these helpful tips to prevent frostbite.” Also, in a move sure to please the under 18 crowd, the usual midnight curfew has been waived. The reason for this change is that it was judged superfluous in a facility where all outdoor travel requires the presence of a qualified chaperone due to the cold and the need to protect the environment from excess human interference. Additionally, the YMJA leadership team has specifically asked that people refrain from bringing a particular item. “We realize that the temptation must be great to watch the movie ‘The Thing’ while you’re in Antarctica,” said YMJA treasurer Ravi Goldberg. “After all, it takes place at the very facility we’ll be staying at. However due to its R rating, we ask that attendees not bring or watch the movie while at the retreat.”

As for the cost of attending, which may be high due to the exorbitant rental fees charged by the base for use of their facilities, Goldberg says that some financial assistance will be available for those unable to cover the expense. “We don’t want the cost to force anyone to miss out on this wonderful opportunity,” he said. “Sadly we can’t do anything about travel expenses, but we will have a limited number of scholarships available to cover the price of the conference.”

For those interested in attending, details including registration information will soon be available on the YMJA website. And if you are looking to come out, President Rich has one last piece of advice for you. “Whatever you do,” he says, “don’t forget your coat!”

 

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Jacob Rosenberg’s Son Turns Five, Becomes Youngest Ordained Rabbi in IAMCS History

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Chicago, IL – Historic news out of the Chicago Messianic community yesterday, as Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg’s son, Shmuly*, celebrated his fifth birthday and was immediately ordained as an IAMCS Rabbi, via FaceTime, making him the youngest ordained Rabbi in IAMCS history. Shmuly has chosen to follow in the footsteps of his Father, Messianic Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, his Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, his Grandfather, Messianic Rabbi David Rosenberg, and his Great-Uncle, Messianic Rabbi Jan Rosenberg.

Jacob Rosenberg was officially ordained as the fourth Rosenberg Rabbi last month at The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando, and the family was immediately presented with a buy-four-ordinations-get-one-free punch card, with no expiration date on it. Upon leaving the conference, The Rosenberg Clan had an emergency meeting at their family compound on Martha’s Vineyard to discuss what to do about the punch card, so as not to let it go to waste. After Matt Rosenberg’s six year old son, Shlomo* announced he wants to be a Dentist when he grows up, the family chose to option him to AAA, AKA “Youth Ministry,” until he could come to his senses. Thus leaving the soon to be five year old, Shmuly, as the obvious choice, by default.

President Bernis said, between the IAMCS and the UMJC, very few Frequent Ordainer punch cards have been handed out, though he is expecting that the next one turned in will come from either the Tokajer or Waldman/Klayman camps.

If you’d like to show your support for Shmuly’s new found career path, you may post on social media using the hashtag #TheRosenbergDynastyContinues

*Name changed to protect a minor

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | MJAA Discovers Joel Osteen’s Name Really Joel Ostein And He is Jewish!

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David and Joel Chernoff and the entire leadership of the MJAA-ROI is ecstatic to announce the discovery that Joel Osteen is really a Jew named Joel Ostein.

He will be speaking at next year’s Messiah Conference on the subject, “Shekels From Yeshua: Riches from the Ruach.”

When recently interviewed by MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, Ostein, who now goes by the name ‘Yoel,’ affirmed his Jewish roots. “Yes, I always sensed I was Jewish. At our church, whenever we took an offering, I felt an anointing fall upon me. After all, we all know how good our people are with money!” At that, Ostein smiled and the glare from his teeth caused six people nearby to have an out of the body experience.

Ostein’s wife, Victoria also feels sure she is Jewish, and is now longer going by Victoria, but rather Nitzachonia. “Yes, I feel Jewish too,” she said. In fact, I have contacted the Crouch family so I might use the wigs Jan left behind when she ascended to the Kavod of Adonai. Now that I have discovered my Jewish roots, I need a sheitel so I can be a modest wife for my husband, rabbi Yoel.”

Ostein is delighted with his newfound niche.  “I am proud to be a genuine Jew,” he said. “So much so that I am having each of my jets outfitted with tzit tzit hanging from the wings.”

Final arrangements are also being made to change his congregation’s name from Lakewoood Church to K’nisiyah Etz HaYam.  “It will take some getting used to,” Ostein admits, “but Nitzchona and I are going to work hard at bringing along the mishpocka.”

Ostein is still learning how to pronounce Hebrw terms. But for the time being, mishpocha will have to be mishpocka. “Look,” he said, “It took us eight months to get from Joel to Yo’el. Give us time.”

He again flashed the smile, causing three nearby cars to collide. Explaining the phenomenon he added, “Look, the joy of The Lord is my strength. But for some people, I guess it’s just too strong!”

 

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YMJA Leadership Team Weekend Meetings Result in Decision to Buy Out Snapchat IPO

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Atlanta, GA – The YMJA Leadership Team gathered in Atlanta this past weekend to plan their portion of this year’s Messiah Conference, which will take place in July. In addition to planning the conference, a big decision was made to purchase every share of the upcoming Snapchat IPO.

“Well, we have all of this extra money now that we’ve extended the YMJA age limit to 45,” said YMJA Treasurer, Ravi Goldberg. “So many more people have paid the annual membership fee this year, because of that. We were originally going to use the extra funds on hummus, but for reasons I won’t mention, we are no longer allowed to do that. Anyway, as we were discussing how to use the funds, our social media guru, Joey Stepakoff, pointed out that Snapchat just announced they’ve filed for an IPO. Since Snapchat is such a huge part of YMJA culture, the decision was obvious. We took a vote and unanimously decided to purchase every share of Snapchat’s IPO. It really did make the most sense to move forward with this. It’s not like we would use the money for scholarships or anything.”

The Snapchat IPO is set to launch next month. The YMJA said they have big plans for Snapchat, including an affiliate called “Japchat,” in which all the filters are Jewish themed. You can follow the YMJA on Snapchat, but you’ll have to find them first, especially since this article will disappear in 24 hours!

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Outbreak of Mosh Pit and Crowd Surfing at Latest UMJC Leadership Enrichment

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Richardson, TX – At the UMJC Leadership Enrichment meetings this week, Rabbi Dr. Michael Schiffman and his colleagues decided to take a break from hitting the cigars and go listen to the UMJC Rabbis’ band. “Something compelled me to go and hear them this year. Not sure what it was though,” Schiffman explained. “Usually their set isn’t exciting, not that interesting, and it’s the same old same old songs every single year that we hear in our congregations every week. But something told me this year would be different…”

What Schiffman found was one of the most fun nights of his life.

The whole UMJCY and UMJC20s, who were also invited to the meetings, led by Rabbi Kirk Gliebe, decided to storm the Hilton Doubletree Ballroom to hear their Rabbis play in a band.  The band, an annual UMJC tradition, comprised of Rabbi Rich Nichol on trombone and flute, Rabbi Nathan Joiner on Trumpet, Rabbi Tony Eaton on acoustic guitar, Rabbi Ben Eherenfeld on electric guitar, Rabbi Stuart Dauermann on the keyboard, Rabbi Barney Kasdan on bass, and Rabbi Howard Silverman on drums. The setlist included hits like “Come Let Us Go Down,” “The Trees of the Field Are Barking,” and even “It Is Average.”

In fact, Kirk started a mosh pit right in front of the mini-stage. “The band was  unbelievable!” explained Gliebe. “I thought starting a mosh pit wouldn’t actually work with our young people, but who knew it would be such a raging success indeed! It indeed felt like I was really going full forward for Messiah!”

A raging success it was indeed, as Rabbi Stuart Dauermann took a full-fledged stage dive off the mini-stage. “I felt The Ruach descending so heavily on that stage, and I trusted the hands of our capable young people,” said Dauermann. “Why not take the dive?”

The Meow caught up with one of the young people involved with the UMJCY, Yosef HaShmo from the crowd.  He attends Congregation Shaarei HaShamayim in Long Island, NY and just so happened to be at the Leadership Enrichment Meetings. “Dude, they were amazing,” said HaShmo, who was directly involved with the mosh pit. “When I heard those shofar blasts, something in my soul just burst out into excitement. I hope to be as cool as those guys one day when I grow up!”

For more on the fun opportunities at UMJC conferences and meetings, visit www.umjc.org

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Messianic Judaism Ceases to Exist After Manna Recording Suddenly Disbands

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Murca – Strange news this week as Manna Recording and Duplication announced it has disbanded after seven years in business. Manna Recording, the company that has been responsible for recording and making CDs of all sessions from Messianic conferences, has split up over “creative differences.” Sadly, it turns out they were actually the glue that held Messianic Judaism together. Without them, there’s no proof that conferences happened and without conferences, there’s just really no point.

Wendy Orth, the now former Owner of Manna Recording, issued a statement that was sent out in an e-mail blast to both the MJAA and UMJC mailing lists: “We know you’ve enjoyed using our services to record all your conference sessions for the last seven years, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, you people just have too many conferences to keep up with and it has taken a toll on us over the years. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors and will see you again when Messiah returns. Which, given the current state of the world, may be sooner than we think. Anyway, thank you all for your years of loyalty. It’s much appreciated.”

“And then I woke up from that terrible dream,” said President Bernis. “Must have been some bad sushi or something. Anyway, let’s make sure to thank Manna Recording for all that they do; they truly are the unsung heroes of Messianic Judaism.”

www.mannarecording.com

 

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The 12 Most Influential Messianics Under 12

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2)  Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3)  Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4)  David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.

5)  David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6)  Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7)  David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8)  David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.

9)  Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and  she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

 

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