Rebecca Rudolf to be Abducted by Aliens Live On Stage at Messiah Conference

Posted on June 29, 2017 by messianicmeow

Grantham, PA — Every annual conference has their yearly traditions, something you can always look forward to seeing or doing every time you go, and Messiah Conference is no exception. One of those traditions is a modern dance performed by Rebecca Rudolf, who incorporates choreography and special effects, typically using green screen animation. This year, Rebecca will venture to do something never been done before, as she is abducted by aliens live on stage.

“I knew, after my epic dance, ‘Flashlight,’ last year, that I was going to have to pull out all the stops this year, if I want to top that,” Rudolf stated, in an exclusive interview. “I normally use green screen for the special effects, but this year I actually found a spaceship of friendly aliens that agreed to fly into the auditorium and beam me up into the ship, live on stage. It’s definitely going to be one of the highlights of Messiah 2017. Also, please don’t publish this until after Conference is over. I want it to be a surprise.”

Rudolf’s 2017 dance is so under wraps, we weren’t even able to find out which night she will be performing. If you aren’t going to Messiah Conference, you can join 55,000 others who watch the livestream to see the performance of a lifetime, as well as all of the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service. Just visit http://messiahconference.org/live/. And don’t worry if you’re not able to watch live; all the videos will be available online the following day.

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UMJC Executive Committee Rules Seth Klayman Allowed to Play Flute in Rabbis’ Band at Upcoming National Conference

Posted on June 28, 2017 by messianicmeow

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Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations is preparing for their annual conference, which will take place July 12th-15th near Chicago. One of their traditions is having a band, that consists entirely of UMJC Rabbis, play at the conference. However, after Rabbi Seth Klayman was ousted as the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism just a few weeks ago, a petition went around to prevent Klayman from being able to play his magical brainwashing flute as part of the UMJC Conference Rabbis’ band. After careful consideration, the UMJC Executive Committee has ruled that Rabbi Seth will be allowed to play his flute at the conference after all.

“Once the petition started going around to stop Rabbi Seth Klayman from playing in the Rabbis’ Band at the Union Conference, we knew we had to have a teleconference about this,” UMJC Vice President, Rabbi Dr. John Fischer explained, in a statement released by the UMJC. “We heard a very convincing argument presented to us by UMJC Secretary…Rabbi Seth Klayman, which he opted to play for us on his flute, rather than use his words. The committee unanimously agreed to allow Seth to play in the band, as well as donate $50,000 to his congregation. I am also now considering leaving my own congregation to move to Raleigh. I don’t know what just happened, I just know that I heard some beautiful flute music and I can’t wait to hear more at the Conference.”

You can hear Rabbi Seth and the rest of the Rabbis’ Band at the upcoming UMJC Conference in Skokie, IL. To register for the conference, visit www.eventbrite.com/e/union-conference-chicago-2017-tickets-32168486810

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Messiah Conference to Host First Ever Messianic Friars Roast

Posted on June 27, 2017 by messianicmeow

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Grantham, PA — The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced this week it would begin hosting Friars Roasts at its annual Messiah Conference, which will take place at Messiah College in Grantham, PA next week. Messiah Conference is notorious for showcasing the talents of Messianics, from dancers to musicians to authors, but the one thing that has long been missing from Messianic pop culture is organized comedy, and Messiah Conference has set forth a plan to change that, by publicly making fun of its leaders.

“We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we feel the Messianic community is ready for organized Messianic humor,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman. “Since all Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians, why not publicly roast each other? We have close to 55,000 people view the livestream of Messiah Conference every year, so this is a great way to unveil Messianic comedy to the world…and it sure beats asking that awful Messianic Meow to speak at Conference.”

The first annual Messianic Leader’s Roast will take place during the plenary session on the final evening of Messiah Conference, just before the Klezmarians perform to close out the conference. MJAA General Secretary and founder of Lamb, Joel Chernoff will be the first ever roastee and we expect to see jokes from such Rabbis as Matt Rosenberg, Joel Liberman, Jonathan Bernis, David Chernoff, and everybody’s favorite prankster, Rabbi Kevin Solomon. If you can’t make it to Messiah Conference this year, you’ll be able to watch all the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service at http://messiahconference.org/live/

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Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges

Posted on June 21, 2017 by messianicmeow

Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.

“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”

The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.

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YMJA Leadership Team Builds Golem To Hunt Curfew-Breaking Teens at Messiah Conference

Posted on June 19, 2017 by messianicmeow

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Grantham, PA – In less than two weeks, the MJAA is set to kick off Messiah Conference 2017. This year’s conference will mark the 50^th anniversary of the YMJA, and it will also mark the introduction of the latest tool in their eternal struggle against teenage tomfoolery. Earlier today, the YMJA leadership team announced that they had successfully completed construction of a golem, which will serve as a part of the security detail.

“We’re all very proud of what we’ve accomplished here,” said YMJA Secretary Melissa Brown. “Teens staying out past curfew has always been a major issue, and while our human security guards have been a big help in catching these scofflaws, they can’t catch everyone. The golem will be different. It has no need for sleep, food, or human companionship. It won’t be swayed by phony excuses, and once it selects a target, it keeps going until it catches them. It can’t be evaded, bargained with, or tricked. It is, in short, the perfect curfew enforcer.”

As for the possibility of the golem running amok, as it does in the ancient folk legend, Brown says there’s no chance of that happening. “We’ve made its rules very simple and easy to understand. We’ve run countless late night tests with subjects of various ages, and it’s consistently caught the underage testers while leaving those over 18 alone. It clearly knows what it’s doing, and it’s very good at doing it. We have full confidence that the golem will be a mainstay of the conference for generations to come.”

This won’t be the first time the YMJA has experimented with non-human curfew enforcers, though past attempts have never made it past the planning stages. “I still remember back in 2000,” said former YMJA President Kevin Solomon, “We were trying for months to train a team of golden retrievers for the same purpose. Unfortunately, a single thrown tennis ball would cause the entire squad to descend into chaos. Then before we could overcome that issue, we were reminded that the campus had a strict “no pets” policy, and that was that.” Still, Solomon is confident that the golem will fare better than previous efforts.

“The campus has no rule forbidding creatures made of living clay, so it won’t suffer the same fate as the retrievers,” he said. “And I’ve read the rules that it’s been given; they’re absolutely perfect. They’re written with no possible room for misinterpretation, and a golem always follows its rules to the letter. Put simply, this is that rare situation where, and you can absolutely 100% quote me on this, nothing can possibly go wrong.”

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Rabbi Seth Klayman Admits to Being Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism

Posted on June 8, 2017 by messianicmeow

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Cary, NC — In September of last year, we reported that Messianics have been leaving Los Angeles in droves for a new life near Raleigh, North Carolina, and that Congregation Sha’arei Shalom has become a haven for them. More recently we have discovered that it’s not just people moving from LA, but from all over the country, including a surprising number of Rabbi’s kids. Or as we like to call them, “Rabbi’s kids.” Dr. David Matzah, of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute went undercover in Cary to investigate the situation and find out exactly why so many Messianics are making their way to Sha’arei Shalom.

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life,” Matzah reported. This is like the Twilight Zone mixed with…I don’t even know. I really don’t even know how to put this into words. This has made me so verklempt, I really just want to use emojis to describe this, but it won’t help anyone, so here goes: Upon coming to Sha’arei of my own will and volition, I befriended Rabbi Seth Klayman, who let me into his world and showed me his underground lair and divulged his secrets with me. Seth told me he quite literally is the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism, as he has a magic flute that was given to him by Rabbi Rich Nichol. When played, the flute can summon Messianics under 35 from all corners of the contiguous 48 states. There is one tune to attract ‘normies’ to the congregation and a second one to summon Rabbi’s kids. Since Seth and his wife are both Rabbi’s kids, he specifically wants to grow his Rabbi’s kid population. He said being able to get Aaron and Heather Kasdan to join the congregation was like hitting the jackpot, since they are also a Rabbi’s kid married couple.

So the next part of this made me even more famisht. We seem to have a bit of a Stepford Wives situation on our hands. Now I don’t mean the murdering part, of course not. But Seth seems to be gathering all these under 35 Messianics and making Robot/Android counterparts of them, who are actually the ones interacting with the rest of the community. Now don’t get me wrong, the original people are being treated completely humanely. Though kept underground, they have adequate food and water, yard time, and even have their own private Yeshualand. They also seem to have no memory of what’s going on and are very happy. Apparently Seth has one of those flashing memory erasers like in the movie Men in Black, and is able to not only wipe their memories, but to create new memories in their place.

Now back to the androids. I asked Seth what his plans are with this robot army he seems to be building and he said that’s exactly it. He can program these androids to do whatever he wants. In this case it’s really about recruitment recruitment recruitment. Seth’s found the best way to grow his congregation is to send his android army to every possible conference to scout out future congregants. He then plays his magic flute and they just up and move to Raleigh. The problem with having humans doing this is 1) They have no incentive to follow directions and 2) The human body cannot withstand the lack of sleep needed to attend so many conferences.

In conclusion, should you meet someone from Congregation Sha’arei Shalom, they are more than likely an android and not a real person. They may look, act, and smell like a person, but they are, in fact an android. Do not be fooled when they tell you their names are Andrew Spadafino or Anna Foltz, because the REAL Andrew Spadafinos and Anna Foltzes of the world are riding roller coasters underground while attending a Roman & Alaina concert.”

At press time, Klayman could not be reached for comment, but he did play us a delightful tune on his flute. Wait. WAIT. WHERE AM I?

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

Posted on June 6, 2017 by messianicmeow

Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography