Felt Industry Goes Under as Messianic Congregations Switch to Green Screen Graphics to Cover Up Crosses in the Churches They Rent From

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Murca – In a unanimous decision between all Messianic congregations, this week, the felt banners we have all come to know and tolerate will be going away. In an effort to keep up with technology, modern society, and all the Messianic Rabbis and Rebbetzins who also moonlight as graphic designers, Messianic congregations will be switching to green screen graphics to cover up the crosses in the churches they rent from. Using green screens will be a higher cost up front, but will allow the graphics to change from week to week, rather than staring at the same wall hanging for 40+ years. Sadly, this spells disaster for the soon to be defunct felt industry, which is single handedly supported by Messianic congregations, with their felt banners and now outdated flannel graphs.

“This is a really sad day for all of us,” says Lisa Limestone, owner of the store, Felter Skelter in Piscataway, NJ. “I’ve been in the felt business since the Jesus movement in the 70s and now I have to close up shop because Messianics are modernizing their congregations. First they put the overhead projector industry out of business when they switched to power point worship slides, and now the felt industry. Next they are probably going to announce they don’t need ram’s horns anymore, because there’s an app on their phones that will mimic a shofar sound. Don’t you understand how many rams literally live to become shofars? How many lives will you destroy; how many???”

We are sad for you, Ms. Limestone, really we are, but the times they are a changing. And so too shall the Messianic movement. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Perhaps you can make a new start teaching millennials about the good ol’ days and how the word “literally” didn’t used to mean “figuratively.” Ah, heck, millennials don’t want to learn anything. As for the rest of us, we will always remember how you felt the day your world was cut into various shaped pieces only to be sewn into something even more glorious at a later date. Godspeed, Ms. Limestone. Godspeed.

YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.

“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”

The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.

Guest Post by Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Back to the Future, and It *IS* a Shock!

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Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly of “Back to the Future” fame are currently recuperating at an undisclosed location from what they term “mega future shock.”  It seems that Brown and McFly, in their most recent adventure, visited a combined MJAA/UMJC Conference in New America city, Bernisopolis, “in the mid-distant future.” Brown said they were stunned to discover something for which no one could have been adequately prepared.

“They were all Jews!” screamed McFly, still unable to digest what he had seen. “All of them, except for some intermarrieds; they were all Jews!” At this point he became so agitated his nurse had to increase the sedatives in his drip.

Brown continued, “We never expected to encounter such a movement in crisis. The problem is that many Jews are coming to believe in Yeshua, and the movement just can’t turn them away. Everyone is getting disoriented!”

In their excursion into the future, Brown and McFly talked with Tambourina Fruma Lopez-MacGillicuddy, who is leading a protest movement, “G.U.B.G.O.D.” “Give Us Back the Good Old Days,” which insists on amending the constitutions of the Union and the Alliance to have an 85 percent Gentile, 15 percent Jewish demographic balance, “like the good old days.”

Speaking to reporters at a recent protest, she put aside her bullhorn, shouting over the crowd noises of blowing shofars and Paul Wilbur V recordings,  “I mean, O.K., for a long time we’ve known it’s the Messianic Jewish Alliance, and the Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations, but let’s get real here!  Everyone knew that what we meant by Jewish was Jewish-style. But this is ridiculous!  We’re overrun with Jews, and the attendance at our Davidic dance classes is disappearing!”

Asked if they plan to have a press conference giving further details, Brown and McFly wouldn’t say. “We’re sick of heart, and really confused. Now we’ve told you. But beyond this, it would be too dangerous to say more.”

We here at the Messianic Meow will keep you posted of further developments as, and if, they become known to us.

UMJC Votes to Consider Gentiles Human Beings

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange turn of events this week, The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations called forth an emergency meeting to vote once and for all on an important subject matter than has plagued the Messianic movement since the beginning of time: are Gentiles actually human beings or did they, in fact, descend from monsters, as our ancestors foretold?

“You know what? I’m real sick of the way Gentiles are treated in this movement!” Said former UMJC President, Rabbi Kirk Gliebe. “They only get half of a vote in the MJAA and no vote whatsoever in the YMJA. They can’t even work on the front lines of Jews for Jesus unless they’re married to a Jewish person. The UMJC is better than that! The MJAA doesn’t have to acknowledge Gentiles as humans, but we have to be the ones to set the example. We have to be a light. Monsters are people, too.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Rabbi Rich Nichol added. “Monsters have every bit of right to be here as real Jewish human beings do. Let’s stop making them drink out of separate Kiddish cups and remove the Monster mechitzas we all have in our congregations and let them be discriminated against by secular Jews and Christians for being part of the Messianic movement, like the rest of us! We’re all in this together and most of them actually work harder and contribute more to the Messianic movement than us Jews do. One of them even changed my flat tire last week so I didn’t have to call AAA!”

The vote to consider Gentiles human beings passed almost unanimously and Rich Nichol helped celebrate the victory by playing a jazz flute solo he called “The Monsters Won’t Hurt Me Because They’re on My Side.” Now we hope and pray the other organizations in the movement will read Ephesians 2:11-22 and just let everyone play together in the sandbox, as God intended. Unity is the answer. No wonder there are so many issues in the movement.

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Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It

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Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.

“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”

While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.

Now Accepting Reader Submissions

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Please follow all rules or your article will not be accepted, no matter how good it is.

  1. I am only accepting article submissions. Please do not submit any memes to me; I will not post them.
  2. Your article must be Messianic themed. Yes, I do occasionally post articles or memes that are Christian or Secular Jewish, but I will not take submissions that fall under either of those categories, so as to keep The Meow Messianic themed.
  3. Please no bashing of anyone or anything. All of my articles are written out of love and I never want to offend anyone.
  4. Please do not write about or include inside jokes that only your group of friends or people in your congregation will understand. A lot of people read The Meow. We want to make as many people laugh/relate to this as possible.
  5. Please keep your headlines short and to the point. The main point of the article should be included within your headline. Most people only read the headlines and not the articles. We want to make sure they are amused too.
  6. Please make sure your articles are believable. Part of the reason satire is funny is because the articles could be real. If they are too far-fetched to actually happen, they are too far-fetched for The Meow. I want people to look at our articles and say “I thought this was real until I saw who wrote it.”
  7. I have a right to reject or edit any article. If I need to edit your article for grammar or other purposes I will send you the revised version and get your approval before I post it. Please do not be offended if your article does not get chosen or if I need to edit it; I have a very specific style I am looking for.
  8. Please submit your articles and the name you would like to be published under to messianicmeow@gmail.com I will not take submissions from anywhere else.

 

Please note, while I would love to pay people for their articles, that is just not possible at this time.

Haftorah? Hoff-Torah!

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“Hassel-Hoff-Torah” by Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg. Available now in Bay-Area-Watch Congregations!

Miri in the Village Admits to Once Having Smoked Potstickers

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Raleigh, NC – Popular Messianic DIY and Kosher food blogger, Miri in the Village, admitted this week she once smoked potstickers when she was first starting to cook. Miri is now considered the Messianic Martha Stewart, but once upon a time, even Martha Stewart had to start from the beginning. Miri is not exempt from once having been a beginner, though most people don’t make an error that gets so much media attention.

“I was young and naive,” Miri stated in an interview early yesterday morning. “It was just an experiment that not only went wrong, but now haunts my entire career and my life. I swear it was a one time thing and I would never do it again. I’ve learned my lesson: it’s okay to smoke the meat inside of potstickers, but it’s not okay to smoke potstickers themselves. I now only fry or steam them. And I make a lot of Kosher Asian food these days. You can visit my web site for some recipes, none of which involve smoking potstickers.”

Miri’s Father-in-Law, a Messianic Rabbi who chose to remain nameless, was heard to say: “Smoke potstickers?! No Grandbaby Mama of mine would ever do such a thing. I’ve never heard of this woman in my life. Oh, you’re talking about food? Okay, yeah, I know her. Her food is wonderful.”

Here, at The Messianic Meow, we think Miri has recited The Al Chet enough times in her life to atone for this mistake and she has been forgiven. For awesome Kosher recipes and DIY projects please visit www.miriinthevillage.com

Who Was Beth Messiah and Why Are So Many Messianic Congregations Named After Her?

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Born Beth Hallel in 1922 in Brooklyn, New York, to Russian-Jewish Immigrants turned Vaudeville performers, Keren Ohr and Hillel Hallel, Beth Messiah was raised in a one bedroom apartment with nine siblings. Though her life started with humble beginnings, she would go on to become someone who is often hailed as “The Chuck Norris of Messianic Judaism.”

Beth Messiah led an epic life with events that ranged from leading Joel Chernoff’s parents to The Lord, to riding the Loch Ness Monster barebacked, to jump roping across the United States in a matter of three days, to planting what is now the largest Messianic Congregation in the world.

Beth Messiah met her husband, Walter Messiah, while grooming rabid bears in Alaska and the two would later head the committee to unify the MJAA and the UMJC. Sadly, they did not succeed, but the effort was still there.

Beth Messiah passed away in 1989 after being eaten by a bear, but her legacy lives on in the names of countless Messianic congregations throughout the United States. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Rest in peace, Beth Messiah. We couldn’t bear to not let your memory be for a blessing.