Category Archives: Politics

Jews for Jesus’ Secret Past and the Real Reason They Don’t Want You to Refer to the San Francisco Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House’

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Jolly Roger

San Francisco, CA — Jewish Ministry organization, Jews for Jesus, has branches in various cities across the world and many of those locations have housing for their missionaries and out of town guests. Headquarter city, San Francisco, has the most notorious housing situation. Their Hospitality House has come to be known as ‘the Ho House,’ but Jews for Jesus wants everyone to stop calling it that, and you’ll never believe why.

We all know who founded Jews for Jesus, but is there someone missing from the story? The answer may surprise you. An anonymous JFJ missionary, who asked to just be referred to as “Streetlight,” confirmed that there was, in fact, another person involved that has intentionally been left out of the story.

The missing person, Jacob Hookman, was instrumental in the birth of Jews For Jesus, but would later be the first person to betray JFJ and their mission. Hookman had an intense vision for sailing the seas and ministering to Jews who were displaced on various islands throughout the world’s oceans. Hookman learned to sail so he could take his mission of ministering to Jews to the seas. He joined the Navy and quickly worked his way up the ranks to Captain. After leaving the Navy on an honorable discharge, Hookman changed his name to a less Jewish sounding name of James Hook, to make himself less obvious to any anti-Semites he might encounter during his travels. Captain James Hook left San Francisco on his boat, the Jolly Roger, promising Jews for Jesus he would bring back the donations he was gifted from church presentations.

Sadly, Captain Hook drank too much sea water and lost his mind and his way. Instead of ministering to Jews and singing Jesus loving Jewish folk music at churches, Captain Hook disappeared, sending only a letter to Moishe Rosen stating that he had become a pirate on some unknown island and was enjoying terrorizing little orphan boys and Indians and that he would not be returning.

Captain Hook did return to San Francisco one last time, however. His crew was obnoxious, and their “Land, ho!” exclamation upon arriving in San Francisco was so loud it could be heard from miles away. In true pirate fashion, Hook did, unfortunately, wind up stealing every penny he could find from Jews for Jesus, never to be seen or heard from again.

So, you see, kids, when you refer to the Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House,’ it reminds everyone of Captain Hook’s chant of ‘Land, Ho,’ and subsequent betrayal. The painful memories are too much for everyone to endure, so just stop calling it that, okay? Just stop.

 

 

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Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

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Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”

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Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.

“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”

We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.

 

 

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YMJA Finally Kicked Out of YMJA For Being Too Old

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Atlanta, GA – In a strange turn of events this week, the YMJA was kicked out of its namesake organization for being too old. The YMJA turns 50 this year, making it entirely too old to actually participate in the YMJA, despite the age limit recently having been extended to 45. Sadly, an organization being named after you clearly does not Grandfather you in. Not when age is a factor and there are 13 year olds involved. Not in this movement anyway.

“We knew this had to happen eventually,” explained Rabbi Kevin Solomon, Executive Director of the YMJA. “We’ve been avoiding this for years and it was just time. Unfortunately, sometimes my job involves kicking people out of the YMJA. Sometimes we later invite those people to come back and speak to the YMJA, but that is neither here nor there. It was a sad day for all of us, but rules are rules. If I can’t be a member of the YMJA, neither can the YMJA. This is the end of an era, but it’s about time we start the OMJA; the Old Messianic Jewish Alliance. Of course, I’m far too young for that one!”

In the face of receiving this devastating news, the YMJA will continue its fiftieth birthday celebration all year, and you can help celebrate and follow along on social media with the hashtag #ymja50. Happy birthday, YMJA!

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Movement in Crisis Due to Outbreak of Lashon HaTov Virus

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Doctors and rabbinical authorities conferred long into the night at the recent UMJC Midyear Leadership Meeting in Richardson, Texas due to an unprecedented outbreak of the Lashon HaTov (roughly, Good Speech) Virus.

Participants grew uneasy as it gradually become apparent they had lost the capacity to make patronizing comments, veiled criticism, and sarcastic barbs about other Messianic Jews present or absent from the meeting.

Try as they might, long-term bad-mouthers found themselves unable to speak disparagingly even of shofar blowing pseudo-Hasidim, or of others festooned in day glow talleisim, or of the intellectual crowd normally dismissed as too high up the mountain to do anyone any good.  Someone tried to click his tongue at the mention of Mark Kinzer’s name and found his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Those who sought to criticize Jews for Jesus, Tikkun, MJTI, or CJF Ministries (formerly known as the Christian Jew Foundation) found themselves unable to do so. “That’s when panic set in,” reported the Executive Director of the Union. “I even saw someone walk up to David Chernoff of the MJAA and tearfully apologize that he couldn’t make any innuendo-laden comments this year.

Even damning with faint praise proved impossible, and the outbreak grew so severe that conference attendees returned trembling to their rooms, many of them choosing to lie down in the hopes the affliction would pass.

The next morning, Russ Resnik was reassuring everyone at breakfast, “This too shall pass!” Someone at the far end of the room shouted out, “You’re an idiot, Resnik!”  After a pause, people started laughing. It was the laughter of relief. Indeed, things were getting back to normal.

 

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Rival Street Gangs Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus to Present Updated Version of West Side Story

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Murca – Jets on the left, Sharks on the right, there’s gonna be a mitzvah tonight. Interesting news from the two largest Messianic Missionary organizations this week, as Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus simultaneously announced they will be starring alongside each other in an updated version of the hit Broadway musical “West Side Story.” West Side Story, also known as a modern day Romeo and Juliet, revolves around two rival street gangs who struggle to co-exist with each other in 1950s New York City. This is somehow incredibly appropriate for two organizations that, for some reason, seem to compete against each other, if you will, while serving the exact same purpose.

“We wanted to show the world we can get along by pretending to fight,” explained Chosen People Ministries President, Dr. Mitch Glaser, on his blog. “In the new version of West Side Story, Chosen People Missionaries will be cast as Sharks and Jews for Jesus Missionaries will be cast as Jets. We’ve also updated the lyrics to reflect what we represent, such as ‘When you’re a Jew you’re a Jew all the way from your first matzah ball to your last dying day’ and ‘I’d like to go make Aliyah/But I can’t cuz I love Yeshua/Everything’s hard when you love Yeshua/Except for your heart cuz you love Yeshua.’ Also, instead of the rumbles being fought with weapons, we will be going back and forth with different tracts, which are essentially saying the same thing. Really, it doesn’t make sense for us to fight with each other at all when we have the exact same message, but musicals don’t always make sense. Hopefully it’ll make for a good show though.”

The new production is set to air on PBS on February 11th and you will also be able to purchase a copy of the show from chosenpeople.com and jewsforjesus.org

 

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Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC

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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

 

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IAMCS To Implement War on Hugs

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Havertown, PA – The Messianic movement is filled with numerous conferences attended by people from all over the nation, and even the world. After not seeing each other for long periods of time, when everyone comes together on the first day of conferences it is inevitable that they love to hug and catch up with their friends. However, over the years things have gotten completely out of control.

The IAMCS/MJAA has announced a campaign called the “War on Hugs,” which is a term to describe the greater, collaborative effort to combat the countless gateway hugs on first days of conferences that lead to extended and pointless small talk, inability to unpack, and enabling of repetitive and/or unoriginal conversation topics.

IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, commented saying, “We’ve received many complaints from people of all ages. The younger generation is tired of getting hugs from people who only know them through their parents. The older generation is tired of not being able to come up with new conversation topics for the younger generation. And both generations are tired of seeing people show up to the first evening service of conference wearing sweat pants and flip flops because they didn’t have time to unpack!”

The MJAA is already taking action with their annual ARCH Leadership Summit just around the corner. An anonymous source claims they have hired a trained S.W.A.T. team (Sustained Welcome Avoidance Team) to help move people along through the registration lines.

“Of course we want people to greet each other and spread the love of Messiah all throughout conference,” Liberman added, “but we felt that if people are so overwhelmed with hugs and catching up that they can’t even unpack, we may be forced to scrub to the evening service. This is conference, people; not college.”

 

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Messianic Jews Agree on One Thing: There’s No Right Way to Spell ‘Chanukah,’ But There is a Wrong Way

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Shaker Heights, OH – After a recent blunder in the weekly congregational newsletter at Beth Sukkoth Messianic Synagogue, when Rabbi Brian Blacksmith accidentally made an announcement about their upcoming Hanukah [sic] Cookie Contest, congregants were sent into a panic at the addition of yet another spelling of the upcoming Jewish holiday.

“That is NOT how you spell Chanukah!” Elder Daniel Moss blurted out to the congregation, in disgust. “Look, I don’t care how you choose to spell ‘Chanukah,’ as long as you choose between the eight different spellings already in existence. Adding another one is just completely uncalled for. Like we, as Messianic Jews, aren’t famisht enough as it is, now you have to throw another log on the fire. Oy gevalt!”

A second Elder then stood up at threatened to replace Rabbi Blacksmith if he did not redact the new spelling of Chanukah. “All due respect, Rabbi Blacksmith, this is unacceptable. We, as a congregation, do not accept your new spelling of a classic word. What right have you to change a time old tradition? We will not stand for it. We demand you change it at once, lest ye be replaced by Assistant Rabbi Feigenbaum!”

Sadly, Rabbi Blacksmith had no ill intention and simply just did not spell check his newsletter before it went to press. The moral of the story: always use spell check or have a willing congregant, who has volunteered many many times, to check your work for you.

Happy almost Chanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Channukah/Hannukah/Hannukkah!

 

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Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council Encouraging Anyone Involved in the Messianic Movement to Convert to PDF

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West Haven, CT – The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council issued a statement this week encouraging anyone involved in the Messianic Movement to convert to PDF. The announcement came shortly after the great MJRC Microsoft Word Disaster of ’16, in which Rabbi Stuart Dauermann had one of his files hacked and changed to make it look like he actually has no sense of humor.

The statement was released by MJRC Executive Director, Rabbi Tony Eaton via an e-mail blast. The statement read as such:

“Dear Messianic Jews:

Due to a recent issue in which Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann’s Microsoft Word files were hacked and made to look like he had no sense of humor, we are now encouraging all Messianic Jews and non-Jews to convert to PDF. Converting to PDF is an incredibly important practice to have as part of your life and also shows that you are serious about your commitment to your documents. Converting to PDF makes your documents official, and much less likely to be tampered with, should they fall into the wrong hands. Please take the time to pray about automatically converting all of your documents to PDF, so as to protect your precious documents that are a gift from Adonai. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Tony Eaton”

At the advisement of the MJRC, there is expected to be a rise in Messianics converting to PDF, which is previously unheard of within Messianic Judaism. If you’d like more information about the MRJC conversion to PDF process please visit www.ourrabbis.org

 

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