Category Archives: Murca

Brews for Jesus Acquires Starbucks in $10.5 Billion Deal

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San Francisco, CA – Brews for Jesus, a division of Jews for Jesus, acquired Starbucks this week in an astonishing $10.5 billion dollar deal. Jews for Jesus, an outreach to Jewish non believers, is constantly striving to think outside of the box to share The Gospel and has found that cold brew coffee is one of the most effective ways to do just that.

Since 2014, Jews for Jesus has been giving complimentary cups of coffee as part of their outreaches. “We’ve been testing out the cafe concept in our Sydney, Australia branch and it’s been very successful, so we knew we were ready for the big time,” said David Brickner, Executive Director of Jews for Jesus. “However, at the end of the day we are still a non profit organization and we knew we just didn’t have the funds that Starbucks would require from us to make this acquisition happen, so we had a 60 day prayer campaign leading up to the meeting. Steve Katz, who is the North American Director of Jews for Jesus, and I walked into the meeting with Howard Schultz, the Chairman and CEO of Starbucks and Kevin Johnson, the President and COO of Starbucks. We asked them what they were for and they both just started bawling and handed us the company at a huge discount. We are so grateful that we’ll be able to reach so many more non believing coffee loving Jewish people through this ministry. And just for the record, we do plan to keep all of your favorite drinks, just with different names. Keep your eyes peeled for the Lai Lai Latte, the Messianic Mocha, and the Strawberry Sortie.”

The acquisition should be complete by the end of fourth quarter 2016. No word yet on what will happen to Starbucks’ other concepts, such as Teavana and Evolution Fresh Juice, though Brickner did hint at big plans for those brands as well.

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Diaspora Adds Extra Day to Shabbat ‘Just to Make Sure It’s Over’

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Murca – It was announced this week by the Jewish Association of Partisan Synagogues (JAPS) that Shabbat shall now be observed for two days instead of one. The JAPS had their bi-annual meeting this year and decided the best thing for JAPS everywhere was to have two days in a row of no work every week, you know…just in case Shabbat is actually still going on in Israel.

“JAPS love Shabbat because it’s a day when we don’t have to do any work,” stated Marcie Shmulovitz, Head of JAPS. “Any excuse to not do work should be dragged on as long as possible. I mean…uhhh…the other holidays have an extra day in America, so why not add Shabbat to that list? You know…just to make it consistent. Besides, it’s really unfair to those who have to work in establishments that are open seven days a week; you’ll never get a real weekend. I work 15 hours a week and sometimes I even have to work two days in a row. It’s really tiring.”

JAPS across the country will be taking an extra day off every week to ensure they can go get their nails done, or just sit by the pool and relax…to stand in solidarity of Shabbat observances in Israel…yeah…that’s it. Please speak to your local Rabbi about how you can be part of the JAPS community and have an extra day of Shabbat!

Jeff Seif Gets Knighted, Becomes Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif

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Dallas, TX – On a recent trip to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, Rabbi Dr. Jeffrey Seif participated in a knighting ceremony, in which he was dubbed “Sir Jeffrey of Multiple Talents and Professions.” Seif, who is also an active Police Officer and a Professor at Kings University, somehow still has time in his life to enjoy dinner and a show.

“So I lead a congregation, teach, fight crime, save lives, coordinate bible translations, speak at every single convention, conference, and retreat I’m asked, and sometimes I like to joust. Nu?” Seif was heard to say. “Sleep? Never heard of it! Really, at this point, I’m just trying to collect titles. I like to stand out from the crowd. Besides, I kind of like the idea of a Rabbi in shining armor!”

Self’s future plans include law school and a certificate in accounting, but for now he said he just wants to focus on molding the minds of the future titleholders of tomorrow. His wife, Barri, also asked that she now be addressed as Dr. Mrs. Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif.

Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf to Form First Ever All Female Messianic Pop Super Group “The Havdalah Spice Girls”

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Nashville, TN – It was announced this week that five of the leading female vocalists in Messianic Judaism would be joining together to form a new all female pop super group called “The Havdalah Spice Girls.” Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf have each seen individual success in their own way, but collectively decided they would be able to make a bigger statement by combining forces.

“The Messianic Music scene is very male dominated,” stated Chernoff. “We want to change that.  My Dad [Joel Chernoff] helped pave the way for Messianic music and Sharon [Wilbur, née Chernoff] and I were very blessed to grow up around that. Now we want to continue paving that way for women in the movement. We’ve had a lot of fun working together and have even given each other new nicknames: Beckah is Mama Spice, Sharon is Famous Spice, Misha is Shy Spice, Rebecca is Dancer Spice, and I’m Cute-as-a-button Spice!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls will incorporate singing, dancing choreogaphed by Rudolf, and lots of fashion tips for adoring fans. They are scheduled to perform at Messiah ’17 and AMF 2.0. Their first album “Besamim” will be available on iTunes later this year. You can also catch Misha in her Broadway debut this fall in the new musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”

UMJC, MJAA Create Joint Facebook Account to Show Everyone How Much They Love Each Other

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Los Angeles, CA/Springfield, PA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations and The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America have joined forces for a second time, this time on Facebook. The two largest governing bodies in Messianic Judaism AKA “rival gangs” have decided to turn over a new leaf and become one. The UMJC and MJAA have created a joint Facebook account under the name “UMJC-MJAA Yeshua.”

“We’ve each deleted our respective accounts and created this new one,” stated UMJC-MJAA Yeshua, via Facebook chat. “We just love each other so much and the best way to show that to the world is to just share a Facebook account. We all know only those who are secure in their relationships share a Facebook account, and, boy are we secure in this relationship! Plus, we have so many mutual friends and shared interests, it just makes sense; we both love Ted Pearce, we both love food, and we even share some of the same Rabbis. It’s actually kind of a waste of space to have separate accounts at this point. We’re no longer individual organizations, but now we’re one and the same. And we do plan to have some fun with this as well. You’ll never know which one of us you’re getting when you Facebook message us! Who am I—-UMJC or MJAA? Do I want to study Torah or pray in tongues? Do I want to smoke a cigar or eat some ice cream? Do I want to be in a band that shares a name with a farm animal or do I want to save a country in Africa? You’ll never know!”

The UMJC and MJAA ask that their loyal fans now only communicate with them through this joint Facebook account in order to promote unity. If you make donations to either organization, please forward your credit card info to the new account in order to continue donating.

First Fruits of Zion Releases New Messianic Jewish Version of The Torah

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Marshfield, MO – Messianic Jewish publisher First Fruits of Zion has released a new version of The Torah specifically for Messianics. “97% of American Messianics don’t read Hebrew,” says Boaz Michael, the Founder and Director of First Fruits Of Zion. “Either they weren’t raised in a synagogue at all and didn’t have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah or they were raised in a Messianic congregation that didn’t have an adequate Hebrew school. These people are missing out during their Torah services, as they aren’t actually able to read from The Torah as it is. What we’ve done here is streamline it for Non Hebrew Reading Messianics (or NHRM for short) so they can also be called to The Torah during their congregation’s Shabbat services or other holidays.”

The new version of The Torah will be entirely transliterated and have the words “lai lai lai” at the end of every Parsha passage, so that NHRM know exactly what to chant and when to stop. This will also eliminate the need for the many NHRM support groups that exist nationwide.

“The Messianic Jewish Torah” is now available to ship anywhere in The U.S. and Canada, including Alaska and Hawaii. For more information on pricing and how to obtain a copy for your congregation, please visit ffoz.org

Yeshua Returns to Run for President of The United States

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Washington DC- Yeshua HaMashiach, more widely known as Jesus Christ, has finally returned to Earth after a wait of more than 2000 years. “I’ve been watching this entire upcoming American Presidential Election very closely, and with Donald Trump officially being given the GOP nomination, I knew I had to step in and do something; I’m throwing my Kippah in the ring,” Yeshua stated.

Mashiach, who is running on the ticket of the newly formed Chosen Party, held a rally in Washington DC for His supporters earlier this week. “I stand for life, I stand for love, I stand for hope, I stand for forgiveness, I stand for grace, I stand for redemption, and I stand for light. If you can get behind that then I’m your man.” His short, but very impactful speech was met with thunderous applause, while Ben and Jerry’s handed out samples of their newest creation, Christ on a Graham Cracker, to hungry, but hopeful citizens at the rally.

Yeshua seemed to be a shoo-in to be the next President, until it was pointed out that He does not actually qualify to run for the position, due to the fact that He is under 35 and was not born in The U.S.

When asked to comment on what His next move was going to be, Yeshua replied, in His best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “I’ll be back.”

Netflix to Produce Reboot of The Flying House

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Los Gatos, CA-   Netflix announced this week it would produce a reboot of the 1980s animated Christian children’s series The Flying House.

When asked why The Flying House was chosen for the next Netflix Original Series, Chief Content Officer, Ted Sarandos, stated: “We are trying to reboot as many canceled TV shows as possible at this point, to basically tell the networks they can stick it in their ear. What better way to do that than by reviving an obscure Christian cartoon from 1982?”

In conjunction with Pixar, the new series will be a 3D computer animated series and will be only one season long so kids and adults alike can binge watch the same 20 episodes over and over and over again.

New GMO Mustard Seeds to Exceed Five Inches; Bad News for Those With Little Faith

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Creve Coeur, MO – Monsanto Company announced this week it would begin producing genetically modified mustard seeds as early as next year. The new seeds are said to be approximately 5.25 inches long and make hot dogs taste approximately 5.25 times more yumm-o.

When asked why a genetically modified mustard seed was necessary, Monsanto President and CEO, Hugh Grant, said, “With buy-in-bulk stores like Costco and Sam’s Club becoming increasingly more and more popular, it will be easier to produce mustard for said stores by using much larger seeds. Current mustard seeds are so minuscule that we are not able to keep up with the supply and demand of giant bottles of French’s Mustard.”

Sadly, this brings bad news to believers with little faith, as typically having faith as big as a normal sized mustard seed would be able to move a mountain. However, with the introduction of the new larger mustard seeds, faith the size of a non genetically modified mustard seed may only be able to move a small ant hill.

The new plan for mustard seeds was brought to the attention of popular Professor, Biblical Scholar, and Radio Host, Dr. Michael Rydelnik, to see what his thoughts were. His response: “I guess we are all going to have to start growing our faith significantly. Unfortunately, it seems that having faith the size of the old seeds just isn’t going to cut the mustard anymore.”