Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.
“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”
While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.
“Hassel-Hoff-Torah” by Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg. Available now in Bay-Area-Watch Congregations!
Raleigh, NC – Popular Messianic DIY and Kosher food blogger, Miri in the Village, admitted this week she once smoked potstickers when she was first starting to cook. Miri is now considered the Messianic Martha Stewart, but once upon a time, even Martha Stewart had to start from the beginning. Miri is not exempt from once having been a beginner, though most people don’t make an error that gets so much media attention.
“I was young and naive,” Miri stated in an interview early yesterday morning. “It was just an experiment that not only went wrong, but now haunts my entire career and my life. I swear it was a one time thing and I would never do it again. I’ve learned my lesson: it’s okay to smoke the meat inside of potstickers, but it’s not okay to smoke potstickers themselves. I now only fry or steam them. And I make a lot of Kosher Asian food these days. You can visit my web site for some recipes, none of which involve smoking potstickers.”
Miri’s Father-in-Law, a Messianic Rabbi who chose to remain nameless, was heard to say: “Smoke potstickers?! No Grandbaby Mama of mine would ever do such a thing. I’ve never heard of this woman in my life. Oh, you’re talking about food? Okay, yeah, I know her. Her food is wonderful.”
Here, at The Messianic Meow, we think Miri has recited The Al Chet enough times in her life to atone for this mistake and she has been forgiven. For awesome Kosher recipes and DIY projects please visit www.miriinthevillage.com
Born Beth Hallel in 1922 in Brooklyn, New York, to Russian-Jewish Immigrants turned Vaudeville performers, Keren Ohr and Hillel Hallel, Beth Messiah was raised in a one bedroom apartment with nine siblings. Though her life started with humble beginnings, she would go on to become someone who is often hailed as “The Chuck Norris of Messianic Judaism.”
Beth Messiah led an epic life with events that ranged from leading Joel Chernoff’s parents to The Lord, to riding the Loch Ness Monster barebacked, to jump roping across the United States in a matter of three days, to planting what is now the largest Messianic Congregation in the world.
Beth Messiah met her husband, Walter Messiah, while grooming rabid bears in Alaska and the two would later head the committee to unify the MJAA and the UMJC. Sadly, they did not succeed, but the effort was still there.
Beth Messiah passed away in 1989 after being eaten by a bear, but her legacy lives on in the names of countless Messianic congregations throughout the United States. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Rest in peace, Beth Messiah. We couldn’t bear to not let your memory be for a blessing.
Toronto, ON – It’s a strange time for clowns in the English speaking part of the world right now. More and more “creepy clown sightings” have been reported, as people across the globe are showing up in public places dressed as clowns and brandishing weapons, in an attempt to frighten the locals. While this is meant to be some elaborate prank, most likely leading up to Halloween, what is actually happening is that real clowns are being given a bad rap. Soon they may no longer be able to entertain children, as they may only associate clowns with being scary, as opposed to being whimsical, as they were intended to be.
Popular Messianic clown, Azee the Clown, is one of the good clowns affected by the recent shenanigans. “We’re living in a time where clowns are even less respected than police officers right now,” said Aaron Zaretsky, Azee’s alter ego. “I want to show children that clowns are still their friends, so I’ve been going to schools during recess and shouting things like ‘Jesus loves you!’ and ‘You can be anything you want when you grow up!’ I know it’s working, because every child I’ve come into contact with has run away screaming with joy. I’ve made them all so happy. That’s how you know you’re making a difference.”
Azee leads the organization, Touching Hearts Ministry, and appears at Messianic gatherings, such as Messiah Conference and Jews for Jesus Ingathering, where he uses clowning techniques to teach The Gospel to children. For more information about Azee’s ministry, please visit www.touchingheartsministry.ca
So every year on Yom Kippur we recite a prayer called the Al Chet, which is a prayer of confession that helps us atone for our sins for the previous year. The Al Chet was written a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. Here’s what I think the Al Chet might read like if it were written in 2016 (feel free to add your own):
•For the sin we have sinned before You by verbally abusing Siri.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by abusing hashtags.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Snapchatting pictures and videos of people who are sleeping.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by taking first world problems seriously.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by the times we couldn’t even.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by not labeling our food porn.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by putting a “D” in front of the word “awwww.”
•For the sin we have sinned before you by sarcastically thanking Obama when something went wrong that wasn’t his fault.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by using the term “on fleek.”
•For the sin we have sinned before You by asking our restaurant server to list every single salad dressing they have and then just ordering Ranch.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by eating Ranch dressing.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Facebook stalking our ex’s current significant other, even though we are much better looking and yellow is so not her color.
Ve-al kulam, Elo’ah selichot, selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu.
For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.
Los Angeles, CA – MTV announced this week it would be airing a new mini reality series called “My Super Sweet Celebrity Sukkah,” in conjunction with the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. Sukkot is also known as The Feast of Tabernacles and many Jews build temporary booths in their backyards to represent the dwellings the Israelites slept in during their 40 year journey through the desert after the Exodus from slavery in Egypt.
The new show will be hosted by Rabbi Jason Sobel of Ruach L.A. and will be a seven part mini series that will air every night between October 16th and October 22nd on MTV and the MTV app. The series will be a half hour long and will feature two celebrity sukkahs per episode, as well as color commentary by Shae Wilbur of EXTRA. The show will be reminiscent of the defunct TV show MTV Cribs where celebrities gave tours of their mansions.
“The latest trend in Hollywood right now is for celebrities to build elaborate Sukkahs in their backyards, even if they’re not Jewish,” Sobel explained. “I want to believe it’s because there are so many Jewish people involved in Hollywood, but I really think it’s just because they think it’s trendy. Probably mostly because it was started by Madonna and Paris Hilton. Even so, it’s drawing attention to an important biblical holiday, and if we can use a trend to educate the public on Sukkot, then it’s still a win.”
The series was filmed during Sukkot in 2015 and will bring us to the backyards of homes of Madonna, Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Jerry Seinfeld, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and Jimmy Fallon, among others. You can watch My Super Sweet Celebrity Sukkah starting this Sunday night on both MTV and The Ruach LA web site. You will lulav it.
New York City, NY – Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, discovered round challah this week while walking through Brooklyn. Challah, a traditional ceremonial Jewish bread, is braided and only formed in a circle for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, as a symbol of the continuing cycle of the years and seasons. While anyone baking challah can choose to form it in a circle at any point, it is only found in bakeries and stores in a round shape during the high holidays.
“I love the Jews,” Donald stated in an interview. “All my kids are dating or married to Jews. One of my kids IS a Jew! And I love their bread; I could just eat that all day. But I saw it round this week, like a bowling ball. In fact, I used it as a bowling ball. Why don’t they do this all year? They should really do this all year. We’ll do CH-allah bowling in the White House bowling alley. I’m going to have my servants make me round CH-allah every day for the rest of my life. I love bread. And Jews. Jew bread.”
Trump then went on and on about how he loves Jews and plans to build a wall around all Jewish communities in America to 1) Keep them safe from harm 2) Make them feel like they’re in Jerusalem 3) Keep them from mingling with everyone else. When asked how big the walls would be, Trump simply replied, “They’re gonna be ‘UGE.”
messianiccomedy.com 