Category Archives: Messianic Organizations

BREAKING NEWS: Life in Messiah Exists

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Lansing, IL – Breaking news out of Chicago today as we just found out there is a Jewish Evangelistic organization that is not Jews for Jesus and not Chosen People Ministries. The organization, called Life in Messiah, works similarly to the aforementioned organizations, but is a separate entity. Not only is it a separate entity, but it just plain exists. I mean, really, who knew??

“Our organization has actually been around since 1887,” Life in Messiah Director, Wes Taber, explained to us. “And we have over 14,000 Facebook fans, which is a lot more than I can say for The Messianic Meow. Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard of ‘Life in Messiah’ is because we keep changing our name. We started as the Chicago Hebrew Mission, then became American Messianic Fellowship, then AMF International (but not that AMF), and now we mostly go by ‘The organization formerly known as Prince of Peace is the answer.’ But, you know, we still prefer Life in Messiah.”

So there you have it, folks. Life in Messiah…it’s real. It’s a thing. It’s…aliiiive. So check them out on the web www.lifeinmessiah.org

Meow out.

 

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Messianic Judaism Ceases to Exist After Manna Recording Suddenly Disbands

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Murca – Strange news this week as Manna Recording and Duplication announced it has disbanded after seven years in business. Manna Recording, the company that has been responsible for recording and making CDs of all sessions from Messianic conferences, has split up over “creative differences.” Sadly, it turns out they were actually the glue that held Messianic Judaism together. Without them, there’s no proof that conferences happened and without conferences, there’s just really no point.

Wendy Orth, the now former Owner of Manna Recording, issued a statement that was sent out in an e-mail blast to both the MJAA and UMJC mailing lists: “We know you’ve enjoyed using our services to record all your conference sessions for the last seven years, but all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately, you people just have too many conferences to keep up with and it has taken a toll on us over the years. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors and will see you again when Messiah returns. Which, given the current state of the world, may be sooner than we think. Anyway, thank you all for your years of loyalty. It’s much appreciated.”

“And then I woke up from that terrible dream,” said President Bernis. “Must have been some bad sushi or something. Anyway, let’s make sure to thank Manna Recording for all that they do; they truly are the unsung heroes of Messianic Judaism.”

www.mannarecording.com

 

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Rival Street Gangs Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus to Present Updated Version of West Side Story

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Murca – Jets on the left, Sharks on the right, there’s gonna be a mitzvah tonight. Interesting news from the two largest Messianic Missionary organizations this week, as Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus simultaneously announced they will be starring alongside each other in an updated version of the hit Broadway musical “West Side Story.” West Side Story, also known as a modern day Romeo and Juliet, revolves around two rival street gangs who struggle to co-exist with each other in 1950s New York City. This is somehow incredibly appropriate for two organizations that, for some reason, seem to compete against each other, if you will, while serving the exact same purpose.

“We wanted to show the world we can get along by pretending to fight,” explained Chosen People Ministries President, Dr. Mitch Glaser, on his blog. “In the new version of West Side Story, Chosen People Missionaries will be cast as Sharks and Jews for Jesus Missionaries will be cast as Jets. We’ve also updated the lyrics to reflect what we represent, such as ‘When you’re a Jew you’re a Jew all the way from your first matzah ball to your last dying day’ and ‘I’d like to go make Aliyah/But I can’t cuz I love Yeshua/Everything’s hard when you love Yeshua/Except for your heart cuz you love Yeshua.’ Also, instead of the rumbles being fought with weapons, we will be going back and forth with different tracts, which are essentially saying the same thing. Really, it doesn’t make sense for us to fight with each other at all when we have the exact same message, but musicals don’t always make sense. Hopefully it’ll make for a good show though.”

The new production is set to air on PBS on February 11th and you will also be able to purchase a copy of the show from chosenpeople.com and jewsforjesus.org

 

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Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC

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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

 

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ARCH Leadership Summit Ends in Chaos After Everyone Leaves Without a New CC

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Orlando, FL – Disaster has struck the 2017 ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando this weekend after not one single attendee found a new conference crush. This marks the first time in the history of Messianic Jewish conferences that there have been no matches made, even if just unrequited. While completely out of the ordinary, there were some survivors of the incident.

“In all my years of attending conferences, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said YMJA Secretary, Melissa Brown, via The YMJA Facebook page. “I don’t even understand how you can get a whole conference room full of Messianic guys and girls and not one single person has developed new feelings for someone. The YMJA exec board had an emergency Skype meeting to discuss this. We think the problem stemmed from Nate Benjamin not attending this year’s Summit, which triggered a horrific chain reaction of hearts turning to stone, but there’s absolutely no way to prove that. The conference ended with everyone scrambling to find someone they might have slight feelings for, to no avail. Sadly, if this happens again it could mean extinction for the entire Messianic movement.”

We, at The Messianic Meow, are just absolutely famisht, verklempt, and plotzing at this tragic news. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the young people who have had to deal with such a travesty and we hope they will be able to bounce back quickly and find some new CCs during the Summer 2017 conference season. Godspeed, young people; Godspeed.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Vine of David Publishes New Emoji Talmud

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Marshfield, MO  – First Fruits of Zion, a Messianic teaching ministry, decided to make a big announcement that was a long time coming….in fact eighteen years in the works!

“Millennials are having trouble understanding big English words,” concluded First Fruits of Zion director, Boaz Michael. “Words like ‘advertisement’ are hard for them to understand, no less ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘epistemology’ for instance. So reaching millennials for Messiah Yeshua through big words is not going to happen. Also, learning big words in a new language is quite challenging…. Hebrew is no walk in the park for about 97% of the Messianic movement.  That’s why they’re relying on Yeshualand amusement parks for their kicks and giggles. For the remaining 3% of those who can understand Hebrew, well, they’re something else. This has nothing to do with the monster that we call the Messianic Gentile…”

Michael and his team took much time in deliberation on how to reach more young people. “We thought, and we thought, and we thought” said Aaron Eby, a writer for First Fruits of Zion. “ We were thinking about a TV show, but then we realized, we already have one. Then we thought…..hmmmm how about a club, a cool spot for all of them youngins to learn the Torah that’s hip? No, that already exists in our Torah Club series. Then how about a Torah learning center in the heart of Jerusalem? Nope. Got that too. Next…”

“What we came up with is this: How ‘bout an emoji version of the Talmud?” said First Fruits educator, Daniel Thomas Lancaster. “After all, no big words. Young people won’t have to read English OR Hebrew. They’ll just learn Judaism 101 through pictures! Brilliantly genius!!”

Young people are getting excited to see this new version of the Talmud. “I’m always on my iPhone. I just frankly don’t like to sit down and read books,” said Or Lishmor, a Boston native. “Now I’m so stoked to learn about Judaism in a gripping fashion. Who knew Messianics are so cool??” Feivel Feldmanstein, a fifteen year old Messianic teen from Temple Aron HaKodesh in Ft. Lauderdale couldn’t agree more. “Hebrew has been a constant struggle for me. So much so, that in my Hebrew school, I’ve been noted saying, ‘The Struggle is Real…with Hebrew.’ Now I’m gonna show this new Talmud to my buddies!”

Rabbis are getting excited as well. “What we noticed is that Hebrew literacy is declining,” said Rabbi Reuben Robenstein, congregational leader of Adat HaTorah Chaim in Sticksville, Georgia. “We want our young people to understand the beauty of Torah! Who knows, maybe they’ll come to the Congregation of the Living Torah one day?”

The release is expected within the first part of 2017. See http://ffoz.org/ for more information.

 

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IAMCS To Implement War on Hugs

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Havertown, PA – The Messianic movement is filled with numerous conferences attended by people from all over the nation, and even the world. After not seeing each other for long periods of time, when everyone comes together on the first day of conferences it is inevitable that they love to hug and catch up with their friends. However, over the years things have gotten completely out of control.

The IAMCS/MJAA has announced a campaign called the “War on Hugs,” which is a term to describe the greater, collaborative effort to combat the countless gateway hugs on first days of conferences that lead to extended and pointless small talk, inability to unpack, and enabling of repetitive and/or unoriginal conversation topics.

IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, commented saying, “We’ve received many complaints from people of all ages. The younger generation is tired of getting hugs from people who only know them through their parents. The older generation is tired of not being able to come up with new conversation topics for the younger generation. And both generations are tired of seeing people show up to the first evening service of conference wearing sweat pants and flip flops because they didn’t have time to unpack!”

The MJAA is already taking action with their annual ARCH Leadership Summit just around the corner. An anonymous source claims they have hired a trained S.W.A.T. team (Sustained Welcome Avoidance Team) to help move people along through the registration lines.

“Of course we want people to greet each other and spread the love of Messiah all throughout conference,” Liberman added, “but we felt that if people are so overwhelmed with hugs and catching up that they can’t even unpack, we may be forced to scrub to the evening service. This is conference, people; not college.”

 

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Beth Hallel Ready to Break Ground on New Messianic Boarding High School Near Atlanta

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Roswell, GA – Beth Hallel Messianic Jewish Synagogue announced this week they, in conjunction with the YMJA, are sponsoring a brand new venture in Messianic Judaism: an all Messianic boarding high school. The school will be the first of its kind, and will allow an alternative to secular or Christian education that caters, specifically, to Messianics.

“Nothing like this exists yet,” said YMJA Ministries Coordinator, Hannah Mann, via Snapchat. “We are so excited to break ground on this amazing project. And by break ground, we mean metaphorically speaking, of course. We still don’t have the funds to make this a reality, but we have faith God will provide the money for it, via GoFundMe. Imagine living year round with your Messianic friends from all around the country, that you normally only get to see over FaceTime. Also, a lot of Messianic parents choose to homeschool their children, because they’re worried what kinds of characters will influence their kids at school. This new school will be a viable alternative to homeschooling. We’ve purchased some land near Beth Hallel, so the students will be able to attend weekly Shabbat services, as well as other holiday and youth events. We’ll have dorms so kids can attend from all over the country. We’ll even have married housing, since you can marry at 16 in Georgia, and well, you know…Messianic Culture; these kids are bound to find spouses at this school, so why wait till they’re 18 to get married, when we can make it so convenient for them?”

A representative for the new school said they are in negotiations with future staff members. They also stated that in the first year, registration will only be open to high school students in the Southeast Region, but they hope to open up enrollment nationwide in the future. If this school succeeds, it may also open up the doors for an all Messianic four year university, just to make sure everyone is sick of each other by the time they earn their bachelor’s degrees.

You may donate to support the project at bethhallel.org or ymja.org, with a GoFundMe page coming soon.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Comes Out as Huge One Direction Fan

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Phoenix, AZ – President of the Greater Messianic Movement, Jonathan Bernis, has finally admitted to being a big fan of the British pop band, One Direction. The announcement came after Bernis assigned the book “The One Thing,” by Gary Keller to those taking his leadership track at the upcoming ARCH Leadership Summit. The book has an eerily similar name to one of One Direction’s biggest hits, “One Thing,” and members of the movement began to speculate that this was not just a coincidence.

“Well, the rumors are true,” Bernis said in an e-mail blast. “I am a huge One Direction fan. I don’t oft listen to secular music, but I do love Dylan, The Grateful Dead, and, of course, One Direction. There’s just something about their haunting melodies and wistful lyrics that reach the depths of my soul. I did intentionally assign a book that had a similar name to my favorite One Direction song. Sadly, once I read it, I realized it had nothing to do with the band, but it was too late. However, I still expect everyone taking the Leadership Track at The Summit to read it.”

Bernis will speak more about his taste in music in the upcoming biography, “Human Like Us,” which will showcase in depth interviews with various Messianic Rabbis and other ministerial leaders, to give us a day to day look at what their lives are like outside of ministry. More information about this book will be forthcoming, through First Fruits of Zion is hoping to release the book before the major summer conferences of 2017.

 

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Muchan Conference Attendees Showcase Every Possible View of the Spanish Synagogue in Prague

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Prague, Czech Republic – The Chosen People Ministries’ Messianic millennial’s conference, Muchan, was held, this past week, in Prague. Unlike most Messianic conferences, Muchan is held in a European city and specifically allows time for conference attendees to sightsee around the area. This year, the conference brought an excursion to the Prague Jewish Quarter, where the entire group decided to take pictures of the Spanish Synagogue, that they would immediately post to their social media accounts. For some people not attending Muchan, this meant seeing the same building, repeatedly, from various friends, in their news feeds.

“It’s incredible,” said conference attendee, David Falkowitz. “Incredible, that we can all post pictures of different angles of the same building and litter everyone’s Facebook and Instagram feeds with the same thing over and over again. It’s like when there’s a rainbow outside; we all have to do our civic duty to make sure anyone not there to witness it in person is still getting the full experience. The greatest view of all was the bathroom, though. It was just….breathtaking.”

Muchan typically takes place in a different European city every two years, but the next one is slated to be held on The Moon in 2020. For more information about Muchan, please head over to www.muchanconference.com

 

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