Category Archives: Jewish Culture

Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women

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Tefillin Barbie Minyan

Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”

Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”

The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.

 

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UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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RomanAlaina

Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

Merchandise is here!!!

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Swag is finally here!! Get your t-shirts to wear to summer conferences! We also have hoodies, totes, phone cases, mugs, etc.

 

https://messianicmeow.threadless.com

 

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Meme

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Siri Omer

Not quite, Siri. Not quite.

Counting the Omer Darn Near Impossible for Today’s American Children, Thanks to Common Core Math

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Hercules Counting

Murca — Today is the 43rd day of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. While counting 50 days was once a simple task, it has since become nearly impossible for today’s American children, thanks to Common Core Math.

“My kids have run into all sorts of issues with this cockamamie Common Core Math,” says Sharon Levin, parent, “but I never expected it would affect our Jewish traditions; especially something as simple as counting. At least, I thought it was simple. It’s just really a shame what is happening to the education system in this country. If things don’t change, my children will never be able to count The Omer, count their blessings, or even count chocula. Thanks, Common Core Math. Thanks, Obama! Wait, is that still a thing?”

For those of us who did not grow up with Common Core Math, we can still count The Omer and can expect big blessings this coming Shavuot. As for the rest of you, you will probably still be blessed, but you won’t even see it coming. At least, I wouldn’t count on it.

 

 

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Meme

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shofarsarecoming

42 more days until Messiah Conference!

Messianic Meow Merchandise Coming Soon!!

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We want to start selling Messianic Meow merchandise/swag, but the up front cost is going to be more than expected, as we need to pay for an E-commerce web site to host our swag sales, in order to keep the price of the products down for everyone. Please consider donating to help us pay for the overhead costs: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

40 Messianics Actually Able to Pass a Bowel Movement After Congregational Charoset Found to be Laced with Prunes

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LetMyPeopleGo

Louisville, KY – 40 Messianics from Beth Shelcha Ima Messianic Congregation in Louisville, KY, had quite the surprise last night, after suddenly having to run to the bathroom to pass a bowel movement in the middle of their congregation’s final night Passover Seder. Passover is notorious for constipating Jews everywhere, from consuming matzah three times a day for seven days (or eight, if you aren’t following what The Torah says). Since prunes tend to have the opposite effect of matzah on the digestive system, someone slipped some prunes into the charoset for the Seder. Charoset is an important part of the Passover seder, and is traditionally made in Ashkenazi style, with nuts, apples, wine or grape juice, and cinnamon. Prunes are a nice complement for the aforementioned ingredients, as well as a vehicle to cancel out the destruction of your bathroom habits after copious amounts of matzah eating.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Congregational member, Roz Blackwell. “Normally during Pesach I’m stopped up all week. The matzah…it’s like bricks in your colon. I just wanna plotz, but at 62 years old, I know now that one week every year I just can’t go number two. I just can’t. But gevalt in himmel…wouldn’t you know…somebody got smart this year and mixed prunes in the charoset! Brilliant! Mazel tov! I’d like to personally thank the person who did that, and I might want to apologize to the plumber that had to unclog all the toilets…but I just feel so…whatever the opposite of bloated is. Thank you thank you to the kind stranger that loves my digestive system more than Pharaoh did. THANK YOU!”

Do you like pooping during Passover? L’shana haba’a, we recommend switching to gluten free matzah. While you may not use it to fulfill the mitzvah of a Passover seder, it does allow you to continue your bathroom routine as normal. I know our reporting today is full of crap, but…I gotta go.

 

 

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April the Giraffe Finally Gives Birth, Is Immediately Slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis After They Realize Giraffes are Biblically Kosher

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AprilandBabyGiraffe

Harpursville, NY – After what feels like an eight year long pregnancy, the famed giraffe, April, from the Animal Adventure Park in New York, finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on Saturday, April 15th, 2017. April was originally due two months ago, but we believe she was intentionally waiting for the month she was named after. However, in a sad turn of events, April was slaughtered, early yesterday, for purposes of being eaten by Orthodox Jews, who realized giraffes are biblically Kosher.

“According to Leviticus 11, giraffes are Kosher animals, since they chew cud and have cloven hooves, like cows,” said local Orthodox Rabbi, Stan Liebowitz. “I’ve never eaten a giraffe before and I’ve never known anyone who has, so once we were able to locate a giraffe nearby, we knew we needed to make haste on the opportunity. April was a prime candidate for us; she’s 15 years old and giraffes usually only live till 15. She was probably gonna die soon anyway. So we figured we should just put her out of her misery. She was delicious though, I have to tell you. We normally eat lamb for the final seder, but this year we are treating ourselves to giraffe. And there’s plenty more left. As soon as Peach ends, we’ll certainly be enjoying these giraffe burgers. Shame they’re endangered though; I could make a killing off of selling giraffe meat.”

While giraffes may, indeed, be both biblically Kosher and delicious, we, at The Messianic Meow, do not condone eating them. Please recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of poor April. What a way to go. I guess being an internet celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

 

 

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Guest Post by Hannah Wunder | How to be a Basic Kvetch: Messianic Edition

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Basic Kvetch

The Torah, consisting of five books, is the basics of the Bible. Like the Bible, the Basic Kvetch has to have five basic things that solidify her identity as a Basic Kvetch. Don’t be caught at the Synagogue without these five essential things:

1) Tree of Life Version Bible (TLV)

The TLV bible is the new “King James.” Created by The Messianic Jewish Family Bible Society, the Basic Kvetch should never be caught reading any other translation. Don’t even try to quote some fancy new version of the Bible to another Basic Kvetch at Synagogue; that’s just wrong.

2) Scarf/Head-covering

A light scarf that will be a great head-covering, Shabbat morning, at Synagogue, will show just how holy you are. It also doubles as a great accessory for any Saturday night shenanigans a Basic Kvetch may find herself involved in.

3) Long “Twirl” Skirt

Every Basic Kvetch knows that, “The longer the skirt, the longer you’ve been in the movement.” Make sure it twirls to make your Davidic dancing extra special for any onlookers (AKA potential husbands).

4) Big Purse/Bag

Keep everything you need to go from Synagogue Saturday morning to your Synagogue crush’s family’s house for Havdalah (or possibly those shenanigans we talked about earlier). A Basic Kvetch is always prepared for any situation that might present itself.

5) Crock Pot

Lastly, every Basic Kvetch knows to make sure she brings her best recipe for Oneg in her personal slow cooker. It shows potential mates just how good of a homemaker a Basic Kvetch really can be.

Now that you know the five essential items to have, don’t ever be caught without them; It could be detrimental to your future as a wife, and, most importantly, a Basic Kvetch.

 

 

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