Category Archives: Food

Havdalah Spice Girls Release New Fragrance Ahead of Upcoming Album

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Nashville, TN – The Havdalah Spice Girls released a new fragrance this week to promote their upcoming album “Besamim.” The fragrance, which also bears the name “Besamim,” smells of cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg and comes in a bottle the shape of a Havdalah spice box. Besamim is the perfect scent when you want to smell like fall. The kind of fall that happens in Murca anyway.

“Move over pumpkin spice everything; Besamim is here!” Rebecca Rudolf, AKA Dancer Spice, said in an interview. “We were originally going to have a scent that was a combination of candle wax, fire, and grape juice, but we decided it would be better to just release a fragrance that shares a name with our album, which will be available soon on iTunes!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls are also in talks to release an entire line of fragrances, including “Sukkot Spice,” which will smell like lulav and etrog, and “Ashkenazi Spice,” which will smell like brisket and noodle kugel. Besamim, the fragrance, is available now at Neiman Marcus and Macy’s. Stay tuned for a release date on Besamim the album, and remember to purchase your tickets to see Misha Goetz, AKA Shy Spice, in the new hit Broadway musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”

Meme

raisins

No. You’re wrong. So wrong. So very very wrong. No.

Beth Messiah Cincinnati to Hold First Ever Gluten Free Tashlikh Service

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Cincinnati, OH – Beth Messiah Messianic Synagogue will be holding the first ever official Gluten Free Tashlikh service this year. Tashlikh, the ceremony of using pieces of bread to cast your sins into a body of water, is performed either on Rosh Hashanah or between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Typically congregations will head immediately after the Shacharit (morning) service on Rosh Hashanah to a nearby body of water and perform this ceremony as a group. Bread is supplied, usually leaving out those who can’t or choose not to have gluten.

“We want to make sure we’re catering to everyone’s dietary restrictions,” says Youth Director, Danielah Blackburn, “but we also want to make sure we’re staying on top of trends. Right now, there is nothing trendier than being Gluten Free. Having a Gluten Free Tashlikh service will kill both of those birds with one roll. Normally our Tashlikh service is full of gluten, but now we have two options, so nobody will feel crumby if they can’t touch gluten. Our bodies actually absorb 60 percent of what our skin touches, so anyone with Celiac Disease can’t actually cast their sins away using regular bread. And that’s not fair; people with Celiac Disease should also get a chance to be inscribed in The Book of Life.”

The new Gluten Free Tashlikh service will be held on Monday, October 2, 2016 at 3pm, immediately following the Rosh Hashanah Shacharit service. Blackburn, who is Gluten Free herself, hopes other congregations will follow suit in the future, as Celiac Disease and wheat allergies are so prevalent in Jewish heritage. The new services give Beth Messiah a leg up on fresh ideas, rather than ideas that have been sitting around, never used, and have gone stale. If you would like to participate the Gluten Free service, please talk to Danielah for more information.

Messianic Moon Colony Will Send Teams to the 2024 Olympics; Hopes to Host One Day

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Murca – The new Messianic Moon Colony, which was just announced publicly yesterday, is now saying they will have enough athletes to participate in the 2024 Summer Olympics and hope to host, themselves, one day. In light of the recent announcement, the colony seems very ambitious on what the future holds for them.

“We already know we have athletes that can compete in equestrian, weightlifting, water polo, softball, and surfing,” said colony representative Rabbi David Chernoff. “We’re going to just start with a few sports, and, as our colony gains momentum, we can start training kids when they’re young for various sports and eventually we’ll throw our yarmulkes in the ring to host someday. We certainly have plenty of acreage that we can build an arena on.”

The Moon colony will likely be competing against Israel in certain Olympic events, but they see it as a chance to get to know the Israeli athletes, start a relationship, and introduce them to Yeshua. They are also hoping that eating will one day be an Olympic sport; one they can truly excel at.

Meme

gefilte-fish

Jonathan Bernis Announces Third Yeshualand Location Will Be on the Moon

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced today that the third location of Yeshualand will be on the Moon. The announcement came one day after Chosen People Ministries announced they would be holding Muchan 2020 on the Moon. The announcement was a bit of a shock, and also sort of not.

“I’ve actually had this in the works for quite a while,” Bernis stated in an early morning press conference. “I wasn’t planning to announce this just yet, but yesterday’s announcement from Chosen People left me with no choice. Come on, Chosen People, you’re not pioneers in the Moon industry; I am! By the time you have your conference four years from now we’ll have an entire Messianic colony set up there. I think ‘RK’ spoke a little too soon yesterday when he said, and I quote, ‘Not even Jonathan Bernis has done anything with the Moon before.’ Really, RK? Clearly you were underestimating my resources.”

Yeshualand Moon will have select features and attractions from both Yeshualand Ethiopia and Yeshualand Arizona, as well as new features such as a gravity simulator, an all you can eat cheese bar, scales to tell you how much you weigh, and the first lunar Brews for Jesus Cafe.

No word yet on when Yehsualand Moon will open, though it appears it will most likely be before the end of 2020. We are still awaiting word on how people will actually get there, though both Chosen People and Jonathan Bernis insist that it’s definitely going to happen. Stay tuned for more word on the future of Messianic space travel.

Jonathan Bernis Confirms Second Yeshualand Location Will Be in Arizona

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Phoenix, AZ – After much speculation about the new Messianic Jewish theme park Yeshualand potentially opening a location near Phoenix, Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International has confirmed that there will, in fact, be a Yeshualand location opening in Arizona, just in time for holiday vacations in December.

After months of searching, Bernis says they were finally able to secure nearly 400 acres of land about an hour outside of Phoenix. In addition to all the great features of Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona will have new rides and attractions, including The Mikveh Machine, a quicksand pit, The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o, and a giant lego firewalk.

The theme park will also have extra stages and a campground in the hopes that AMF 2.0 will choose to hold their event there, as they can technically hold it in Arizona and still be called “AMF.” At the very least, Bernis hopes The Havdalah Spice Girls will have a residency at the park. Bernis said the campground will also be a haven for travelers during Sukkot, starting in 2017, and said those wishing to build their Sukkahs there will get a special discount, in addition to a Sukkah building contest and other fun activities specific to the holiday.

Additionally, there will also be a one of a kind bible themed McDonald’s that will offer such items as Jonah and the Filet-O-Fish, Adam’s McBeefRib, the McYeshua, and the Big Maccabee. Bernis believes that having The Golden Arches on premises will attract the annual Golden ARCH Leadership Summit to Arizona, rather than holding the event at the ever unpopular Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando.

Annual passes to Yeshualand Arizona will be available to the public starting in November and will start at $1800 per family up to six; quite a metziah! Stay tuned for more information about Yeshualand Arizona and other locations to come.

Meme

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Lobster for Dinner

Romans 11:17, Leviticus 11

Meme

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Cheezburger

LOLKATZ

Exposé: Closet-Messianic Celebrities Outed by Big Mouthed Members of the Community

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Bob Dylan, Lynda Carter, Glen Campbell, Gabby Douglas, Justin Bieber. None of these people are actually Messianic…or are they??

The rumors have flown throughout the Messianic Movement for years. “So and so came to my congregation with their girlfriend, grandmother, etc.” “I met them!” “My cousin’s Father’s next door neighbor’s sister’s dog sat next to them at Shul.” Blah blah blah.

But what is the truth? The Messianic Meow investigates:

Wikipedia has confirmed that Glen Campbell considers himself to be Messianic.

Stacy Goebbel of Beth Messiah Columbus confirms that Gabby Douglas has been to her congregation on more than one occasion.

Googling Lynda Carter has confirmed that she attends or at least previously attended a Messianic Congregation at one point.

Justin Bieber has a tattoo in Hebrew that says “Yeshua,” but really, do we even want him?? 😛

And Bob Dylan…well, every single Baby Boomer Messianic has done drugs with Bob Dylan before they became a believer, including the late David Ben-Gurion. Or so they say.

Each of these celebrities probably just wants to be left alone to live their life, but will that happen? Well, my friends, they’ve chosen to be part of the wrong culture if they don’t want word to get around faster than Usain Bolt finds new Brazilian girlfriends.

Of course we’d love to claim them all as our own, but if they really wanted that, we wouldn’t have to dig. We’ve definitely got Shae Wilbur and Avi Kaplan of Pentatonix, so let’s worry about more important things, like what kind of spread will be at Oneg on Saturday.

Until next time, this has been The Messianic Meow Investigates.