Category Archives: Food

Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Roll Out New Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers

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Dallas, TX – It was announced this week that Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue in Dallas would be producing new pumpkin spice flavored communion wafers, just in time for the fall season. The new wafers don’t pair particularly well with grape juice, but they do pair well with current trends in the first world.

“We want to make sure we are keeping up with nationwide trends so that we can stay relevant,” said Rabbi Ari Waldman of Baruch HaShem. Waldman, who is currently pulling double duty as the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance, as well as the head coach of The Dallas Brisket, said the idea came to him in a pumpkin spice latte induced dream late last year. “We don’t actually have fall weather here in Dallas, but we like to pretend that we do. The best way to do that is to just binge on pumpkin spice everything. Something about doing that just makes the air feel a little more crisp than the 75º that it normally is.”

The new communion wafers will be produced and distributed in conjunction with the Gateway Church Jewish Ministry and will be available starting Monday, August 29th via both Gateway Church and the Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue Judaica Shop. The wafers will be available both online and in person and can be purchased in bulk by any church or synagogue wanting to spice up their communion service. Literally.

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Kosher Laws

Matthew 5:17-18

Brews for Jesus Acquires Starbucks in $10.5 Billion Deal

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San Francisco, CA – Brews for Jesus, a division of Jews for Jesus, acquired Starbucks this week in an astonishing $10.5 billion dollar deal. Jews for Jesus, an outreach to Jewish non believers, is constantly striving to think outside of the box to share The Gospel and has found that cold brew coffee is one of the most effective ways to do just that.

Since 2014, Jews for Jesus has been giving complimentary cups of coffee as part of their outreaches. “We’ve been testing out the cafe concept in our Sydney, Australia branch and it’s been very successful, so we knew we were ready for the big time,” said David Brickner, Executive Director of Jews for Jesus. “However, at the end of the day we are still a non profit organization and we knew we just didn’t have the funds that Starbucks would require from us to make this acquisition happen, so we had a 60 day prayer campaign leading up to the meeting. Steve Katz, who is the North American Director of Jews for Jesus, and I walked into the meeting with Howard Schultz, the Chairman and CEO of Starbucks and Kevin Johnson, the President and COO of Starbucks. We asked them what they were for and they both just started bawling and handed us the company at a huge discount. We are so grateful that we’ll be able to reach so many more non believing coffee loving Jewish people through this ministry. And just for the record, we do plan to keep all of your favorite drinks, just with different names. Keep your eyes peeled for the Lai Lai Latte, the Messianic Mocha, and the Strawberry Sortie.”

The acquisition should be complete by the end of fourth quarter 2016. No word yet on what will happen to Starbucks’ other concepts, such as Teavana and Evolution Fresh Juice, though Brickner did hint at big plans for those brands as well.

The Rosenberg Special to Debut at Taco Bell

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Irvine, CA – Taco Bell announced this week it would be trying out a new menu item called “The Rosenberg Special”—-a grilled cheese sandwich with turkey bacon. Typically only served at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania during the week of the 4th of July, The Rosenberg Special was made popular by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg nearly two decades ago while attending Messiah Conference and specially requesting turkey bacon on his grilled cheese at the popular campus cafe, The Falcon. Being the accommodating people that they are, the powers that be at The Falcon purchased turkey bacon specifically for Rosenberg, and have made it readily available at Messiah Conference every year since then.

“We wanted to add an item that was completely different from everything else on our menu,” stated Brian Niccol, CEO of Taco Bell. “Burger King is doing the same thing right now with The Whopperito and McDonald’s is also testing out macaroni and cheese at select locations. Expanding the menu options is a win win situation for everyone: we get a wider audience, which leads to higher profits for us, and customers who wouldn’t normally be eating at Taco Bell now have a reason to dine there.”

The Rosenberg Special will be available for a limited trial run before Taco Bell decides whether or not to roll it out nationally. The sandwich will be available in all Seattle and Chicago locations, but only between the 15th and the 21st of Nisan, 5777.

Local Woman Celebrates Six Week Anniversary of Fourth Stint with Messianic Judaism

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West Haven, CT – A special oneg was held at Congregation Simchat Yisrael to celebrate Melissa Johnson’s six week anniversary of her fourth stint with Messianic Judaism. Johnson has been part of Messianic Judaism off and on for the past 10 years after taking a DNA test and finding Jewish roots.

“I didn’t even know I was Jewish until I was 33,” said Johnson. “Then I found out my Great Great Grandfather was actually a quarter Jewish, so I feel very connected to Judaism. The food at these congregations is great. You can never get that in a church. Plus, I’m pretty sure Jesus said something or other about Jews being chosen for something. I’m just glad to be part of it again. This feels like family!”

Johnson plans to stay at Simchat Yisrael at least through the Yom Kippur break-fast, after which she says she will ‘play it by ear.’ She is mostly committed to Messianic Judaism, but is open to any church that hosts a great annual picnic.

10 Minute Congregational Meeting Turns Into Four Hour Long Kvetch-Fest With a Side of Pizza

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Boca Raton, FL – What started as a 10 minute congregational meeting at Ayts Chayim this last Shabbat, turned into an all afternoon affair. Board Member, Herb Mendelsohn, called a meeting to order to brief everyone on what to expect during this upcoming High Holiday season. “The High Holidays are sneaking up on us very quickly,” stated Mendelsohn. “I mostly just wanted to make sure everyone knew when our services will be and when our sukkah is going to be built.”

The meeting took a turn for the worse when long time member, Ethel Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz raised her hand and started complaining about the lack of butter options for the challah during oneg. “We only have butter and margarine. Why don’t we have I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter?” Whined Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz. “I REALLY can’t believe it’s not butter and the challah is so dry without it.” After which another member, Morty Silvergoldgreencohn proclaimed that he was ready to leave the congregation altogether if they did not start leaving the raisins out of the kugel.

The meeting continued on like this for two hours until everyone collectively decided to order pizza because all this kvetching made them hungry. Sadly, the pizza was delivered with mushrooms on it, instead of on the side, which prolonged the end of the meeting even more. The meeting finally came to a halt after a record 4.2 hours when the food coma set in. Herb Mendelsohn and other congregational staff could not be reached for further comment.

Marty Goetz Pens New Broadway Musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat”

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Nashville, TN – Singer/Songwriter, Marty Goetz, who is often hailed as a Modern Day Psalmist, has written his first public musical. The new musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat,” will make its debut this fall. Goetz’s musical centers on a dysfunctional Jewish family in Ohio who is trying to sort out their faith as they eat their way through the Jewish holidays.

Songs include “How Many Egg Rolls Will You Eat Tonight?”, “Why Don’t Your Matzah Balls Float Like My Mother’s?”, “Chanukah Bush,” and “Cousin Mordechai is Coming to Town.” Goetz’s sure to be Tony Award winning songbook draws inspiration from Sondheim, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Adolph Green.

Goetz’s daughter, Misha, stars as Hannah, the well meaning adult daughter and Mother of three, who can’t cook her way out of a paper bag. This lighthearted, yet thought-provoking show is sure to stir up all of your emotions. Join The Goldman Family for tears, laughter, and lots of Chinese take-out, as they stumble their way through the Hebrew calendar.

Pre-Broadway previews begin on September 18th at The Playhouse Square in Cleveland. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster and MartyGoetz.com

National Messianic Softball League to Hold Tryouts for Inaugural Season

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Nationwide – The newly formed National Messianic Softball League will be holding tryouts throughout the country for its inaugural season.

Tryouts will be held in various cities across America for the following 12 teams:

The Florida Feigenbaums

The Chicago Shlemazls

The Los Angeles Latkes

The Dallas Brisket

The Houston Hummus

The Philadelphia Phosphates

The New York Corned Beef and Swiss on Rye with Russian Dressing on the Side

The Seattle Chametz

The Atlanta Mylanta

The Mid-Atlantic MLR

The Arizona Afternoon Naps

and The Ohio Ohios

Teams will travel across the country to play against each other during the regular season, which will take place April 16th, 2017- June 30th, 2017. The championship game will be held on Starry Field at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania on July 4th, 2017 at 2:13pm JST (Jewish Standard Time). What better way to celebrate America’s birthday than with America’s favorite pastime wannabe?

The winning team will receive the coveted “Golden Kugel” and all other players will receive a participation trophy. Great season, guys!

New GMO Mustard Seeds to Exceed Five Inches; Bad News for Those With Little Faith

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Creve Coeur, MO – Monsanto Company announced this week it would begin producing genetically modified mustard seeds as early as next year. The new seeds are said to be approximately 5.25 inches long and make hot dogs taste approximately 5.25 times more yumm-o.

When asked why a genetically modified mustard seed was necessary, Monsanto President and CEO, Hugh Grant, said, “With buy-in-bulk stores like Costco and Sam’s Club becoming increasingly more and more popular, it will be easier to produce mustard for said stores by using much larger seeds. Current mustard seeds are so minuscule that we are not able to keep up with the supply and demand of giant bottles of French’s Mustard.”

Sadly, this brings bad news to believers with little faith, as typically having faith as big as a normal sized mustard seed would be able to move a mountain. However, with the introduction of the new larger mustard seeds, faith the size of a non genetically modified mustard seed may only be able to move a small ant hill.

The new plan for mustard seeds was brought to the attention of popular Professor, Biblical Scholar, and Radio Host, Dr. Michael Rydelnik, to see what his thoughts were. His response: “I guess we are all going to have to start growing our faith significantly. Unfortunately, it seems that having faith the size of the old seeds just isn’t going to cut the mustard anymore.”