Author Archives: messianicmeow

Jonathan Bernis Set to Open New Messianic Jewish Themed Amusement Park in Ethiopia

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week he would be opening the first ever Messianic Jewish theme park. The aptly named “Yeshualand” will span 300 acres and be located in Gondar, Ethiopia. “I’m very pleased with this project,” Bernis said in a recent press conference. “We broke ground earlier this year and the park should be open soon. Yeshualand will greatly help stimulate the economy of Ethiopia. We’re only going to be hiring locals and the revenue produced from Yeshualand will enable us to open a hospital in Gondar, as well as provide clean water to all of the surrounding areas.”

Yeshualand will boast 13 roller coasters, five stages, three children’s areas, countless games, and over 45 different restaurants and food stands. For the MJAA Rabbis there will be an old-timey ice cream shoppe, for the UMJC Rabbis there will be a cigar bar, and if you need to get between them, there will be a monorail that runs solely on the energy exuded from Rabbi Kokeb Gedamu.

Of the 13 roller coasters, one will have a world record number of loops. At one point it will even feel like you’ve been turned upside down for seven years. Just when you think it can’t turn you upside down again, it does. This roller coaster will simply be named “Messianic Judaism.”

Yeshualand is planning their Grand Opening for August 14th, 2016. For more information about Yeshualand and the humanitarian work Jewish Voice Ministries International does in Ethiopia and other African nations please visit jewishvoice.org

AMF Announces Second Coming

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Asheville, NC – What was meant to be a one time only Messianic Jewish Music and Arts Festival, AMF or Asheville Music Festival, has dropped a huge yarn bomb on everyone and finally announced there will be a second edition after all. The four day non partisan festival took place in Asheville, North Carolina in August 2012 and saw more than 1,000 members of the Messianic community from all over the world, including representation from every major Messianic organization in the movement.

“Our original vision for AMF was to hold a one time music and arts festival that would bring together MJAA, UMJC, and JFJ alike for a common interest,” says a planner for AMF who chose to remain anonymous. “We didn’t think we needed to have it more than once because the goal was for everyone to want to continue hanging out with each other after AMF ended, regardless of their organizational affiliation, and that’s essentially what happened. While there isn’t a NEED for this to be an annual or even bi-annual event, the demand is high, so we’ve decided to listen to the people and put this amazing festival on once again. Give the people what they want! Besides, there are so many great new Messianic Artists that have come up since then that didn’t get to perform at the first AMF, like MIQEDEM and How To Fly. We would love to showcase those artists at the next AMF.”

“The theme of the first AMF was ‘Noah’s Ark,’ but that was a little too wet for everyone, so we’ve decided that the next one will officially be called ‘AMF 2.0: 40 Years in the Desert.’ We’re currently looking for a new location with a drier climate than Asheville,” says another AMF planner who also chose to remain anonymous.

AMF 2.0 will happen sometime in the future, but of that day and hour no one knows, not even the biggest supporters, but only the organizers.

YMJA Extends Age Limit to 45

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Skokie, IL – It was decided this week that The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance would be extending its age limit from 30 to 45. The decision came after a record number of aged-out Millennials and Gen X-ers tried to sneak onto the bus to the water park during the YMJA field trip from Messiah Conference this past July.

“We already have an unprecedented amount of 30 and 40 somethings hanging around The YMJA,” stated YMJA Treasurer, Ravi Goldberg. “They don’t care that they’ve aged out and they just won’t leave. We’ve tried everything; spraying them with water bottles, serving restraining orders, and even locking them all in a closet. Nothing is working. At least if we officially change the age limit to 45 they will be forced to pay the membership fee and those YMJA T-shirts they’ve been stealing all these years will be rightfully theirs. Plus, then we’ll be able to use the extra money to buy more potato chips for everyone!”

Executive Director, Rabbi Kevin Solomon, added, “Starting in 2017 The YMJA will service ages 13-45 and the YMJA part of Messiah Conference will have the following tracks: ‘Teen,’ ‘Young Adult,’ and ‘You’re really too old to be here, but we didn’t have a choice.’”

More information about the YMJA and their upcoming conferences can be found at ymja.org

Yeshua Returns to Run for President of The United States

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Washington DC- Yeshua HaMashiach, more widely known as Jesus Christ, has finally returned to Earth after a wait of more than 2000 years. “I’ve been watching this entire upcoming American Presidential Election very closely, and with Donald Trump officially being given the GOP nomination, I knew I had to step in and do something; I’m throwing my Kippah in the ring,” Yeshua stated.

Mashiach, who is running on the ticket of the newly formed Chosen Party, held a rally in Washington DC for His supporters earlier this week. “I stand for life, I stand for love, I stand for hope, I stand for forgiveness, I stand for grace, I stand for redemption, and I stand for light. If you can get behind that then I’m your man.” His short, but very impactful speech was met with thunderous applause, while Ben and Jerry’s handed out samples of their newest creation, Christ on a Graham Cracker, to hungry, but hopeful citizens at the rally.

Yeshua seemed to be a shoo-in to be the next President, until it was pointed out that He does not actually qualify to run for the position, due to the fact that He is under 35 and was not born in The U.S.

When asked to comment on what His next move was going to be, Yeshua replied, in His best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “I’ll be back.”

Good Good Father Meme

Netflix to Produce Reboot of The Flying House

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Los Gatos, CA-   Netflix announced this week it would produce a reboot of the 1980s animated Christian children’s series The Flying House.

When asked why The Flying House was chosen for the next Netflix Original Series, Chief Content Officer, Ted Sarandos, stated: “We are trying to reboot as many canceled TV shows as possible at this point, to basically tell the networks they can stick it in their ear. What better way to do that than by reviving an obscure Christian cartoon from 1982?”

In conjunction with Pixar, the new series will be a 3D computer animated series and will be only one season long so kids and adults alike can binge watch the same 20 episodes over and over and over again.

New GMO Mustard Seeds to Exceed Five Inches; Bad News for Those With Little Faith

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Creve Coeur, MO – Monsanto Company announced this week it would begin producing genetically modified mustard seeds as early as next year. The new seeds are said to be approximately 5.25 inches long and make hot dogs taste approximately 5.25 times more yumm-o.

When asked why a genetically modified mustard seed was necessary, Monsanto President and CEO, Hugh Grant, said, “With buy-in-bulk stores like Costco and Sam’s Club becoming increasingly more and more popular, it will be easier to produce mustard for said stores by using much larger seeds. Current mustard seeds are so minuscule that we are not able to keep up with the supply and demand of giant bottles of French’s Mustard.”

Sadly, this brings bad news to believers with little faith, as typically having faith as big as a normal sized mustard seed would be able to move a mountain. However, with the introduction of the new larger mustard seeds, faith the size of a non genetically modified mustard seed may only be able to move a small ant hill.

The new plan for mustard seeds was brought to the attention of popular Professor, Biblical Scholar, and Radio Host, Dr. Michael Rydelnik, to see what his thoughts were. His response: “I guess we are all going to have to start growing our faith significantly. Unfortunately, it seems that having faith the size of the old seeds just isn’t going to cut the mustard anymore.”

United States to Switch to Biblical Measuring System

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Washington DC – The United States Department of Education announced this week it would be changing their current measuring system, in order to keep up with the demands of what other countries want for them.

At present time, The U.S. is the only industrialized country that does not use the metric system. For years other countries have been asking that they change their measuring system to make it less frustrating for travelers. In an effort to comply, and also to prove that The U.S. is above all other countries, Secretary of Education, John King Jr, said their current measuring system will soon be replaced by something that is a little more established, opting for a system of biblical proportions. Schools will begin teaching the new biblical measuring system to kindergartners, starting with the 2016-2017 school year.

The inch, the foot, the yard, and the mile will soon be replaced with the cubit, the epha, the furlong, and the camel nap. The new units of measurement should be the perfect companions for common core math.

Government to Start Taxing Clap Offerings

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Deerfield, IL – The worship band at Adat HaTikvah Messianic Synagogue had just finished playing “Oceans” by Hillsong United when worship leader, Jeremiah Zaretsky asked the congregation to give a clap offering to God. The applause was becoming more and more thunderous until Illinois Governor, Bruce Rauner, appeared out of nowhere and jumped on stage. Rauner announced he would, henceforth, be taking 8.9% of the claps with him so that he could start tipping his waiter at The Olive Garden during official political meetings.

When asked for comment, Spiritual Leader, Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, said, “Taxing clap offerings is completely unfair and unnecessary. What ever happened to separation of church and state? Those claps could have been used to expand our Star Wars ministry or to provide pizza for needy seagulls in our parking lot.”

A recent Gallup Poll estimated that clap offerings are down 30% in Illinois since the new tax was introduced. Some churches have even banned clap offerings altogether, just to make sure the claps don’t end up in the wrong hands.