Seattle, WA – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week the fourth Yeshualand theme park will be opening just outside of Seattle, in an undisclosed location. Yeshualand Seattle will be joining the rapidly expanding chain, following Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona, and Yeshualand Moon. Yeshualand Seattle will be unique in that it will be absorbing local Messianic congregation, Restoration Seattle.
“Changing the name of a congregation goes against everything I believe in,” Rabbi Matt Rosenberg posted on Facebook, “but J. Bern convinced me it was the right thing to do…for the good of all the tourists in Seattle. What better way to win hearts for Yeshua than to actually have a Shabbat service for people who are just hanging out at a theme park? It’s actually pretty awesome. Can’t argue with The Bern. #YeshualandSeattle #Seattle #happyrabbi #jvmi #TheBern #RestorationApp #donotfear #themepark #awesome #rollercoasters #cantwait #soexcited #thiswillbeawesome #soawesome #awesome”
In addition to a synagogue in the middle of it, Yeshualand Seattle will have similar attractions to its Ethiopia and Arizona counterparts, but will also have four Whirlyball courts, a funicular, and ironically, a Restoration Hardware that will pay homage to the soon to be former Restoration Seattle. The whole theme park will be made in a retractable dome, so that rain, snow, and other elements will not affect the park’s hours and allow Yeshualand Seattle to remain open year round. In addition, Yeshualand Seattle will have a show featuring The Rock-a fire Explosion: the animatronic band, formerly of Showbiz Pizza, which would later become Chuck E. Cheese’s. Rock-a fire Explosion will be programmed to perform the greatest hits of the classic Messianic band, Lamb. Yeshualand will also finally be introducing their first mascot; Joyful Joe Miterko will be walking around the park as “Mr. Yeshualand.”
Yeshualand Seattle is set to open early to mid 2017, and, according to Bernis, will most likely be the last location to open for quite a while. To track progress of Restoration’s transition into Yeshualand Seattle, please visit shalomseattle.com
Los Angeles, CA – In a strange, turn of events this week, the President of Jews for Judaism, David Rifkind, has discovered Isaiah 53. Jews for Judaism, an anti-missionary organization that was named after Jews for Jesus, has been trying to steer Jews away from Yeshua since 1985.
Jews around the world read the same Torah (The first five books of the Old Testament) and Haftorah (the other books in the Old Testament) portions during the same week everywhere. However, they skip from Isaiah 52 right to Isaiah 54, ignoring Isaiah 53 altogether. Most Jews have never even read Isaiah 53, which talks about qualities of the coming Messiah.
“It’s really incredible,” said Rifkind, in a recent Facebook post. “All these years I’ve been telling people there’s no proof in the Tanakh (Old Testament) that Jesus is The Messiah and here it is, right in front of my schnoz! I didn’t even know there was an Isaiah 53! I thought it was like high rise buildings that don’t have a 13th floor…they just don’t have one and you don’t know why, but you don’t question it either. You just accept it and move on with your day. Oddly enough, I was reading my Tanakh this week while eating a greasy breakfast burrito and the book slipped out of my hand and fell on the floor, face up, opened to Isaiah 53. I couldn’t believe it! When I asked my wife about it she also had no idea there was a 53rd chapter of Isaiah! Like me, she also thought it was like the 13th floor of a high rise building. I immediately went to The Googles to see if anyone else knew there was an Isaiah 53. Sure enough, there are some people aware of Isaiah 53…my old nemeses Jews for Jesus, in fact. I stumbled upon this article that explains Isaiah 53 and now I need to quit my job. Oy gevalt! If anybody wants to hire a nice Jewish boy who is sometimes wrong, but now sees the truth, let me know!”
Rifkind has since left his job and is currently looking for a new career. He is in talks with Jews for Jesus to come on staff, which would make him a counter-counter-missionary.
Cary, NC – Congregation Sha’arei Shalom near Raleigh, North Carolina has opened its doors to Messianics fleeing life in Los Angeles, growing the population of the congregation significantly. What was once a haven for East Coasters, Los Angeles, is now losing its numbers to the East Coast, in a strange turn of events.
“I’m not quite sure why people are leaving L.A. for Raleigh,” says Rabbi Seth Klayman. “It’s probably all that sunshine; it’s so bad for you. After AMF I think everyone assumed it does nothing but rain here. That’s not true, but they’re coming over in droves and our congregation is growing with the best people, so I won’t complain. Our sanctuary has literally become a sanctuary for Southern Californians looking for a new life for their children. And not one of them brought me In-N-Out Burger when they got here.”
Congregation Sha’arei Shalom welcomes peoples from all nations and tongues and not just LA. Please join them for free high holiday services. For more information, visit entershalom.org
Nashville, TN – The Havdalah Spice Girls released a new fragrance this week to promote their upcoming album “Besamim.” The fragrance, which also bears the name “Besamim,” smells of cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg and comes in a bottle the shape of a Havdalah spice box. Besamim is the perfect scent when you want to smell like fall. The kind of fall that happens in Murca anyway.
“Move over pumpkin spice everything; Besamim is here!” Rebecca Rudolf, AKA Dancer Spice, said in an interview. “We were originally going to have a scent that was a combination of candle wax, fire, and grape juice, but we decided it would be better to just release a fragrance that shares a name with our album, which will be available soon on iTunes!”
The Havdalah Spice Girls are also in talks to release an entire line of fragrances, including “Sukkot Spice,” which will smell like lulav and etrog, and “Ashkenazi Spice,” which will smell like brisket and noodle kugel. Besamim, the fragrance, is available now at Neiman Marcus and Macy’s. Stay tuned for a release date on Besamim the album, and remember to purchase your tickets to see Misha Goetz, AKA Shy Spice, in the new hit Broadway musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”
Conferences are a common occurrence in the Messianic movement and a great way to connect with other Messianics around the world, but what if you scheduled your entire life around them? On this episode of True Life, you’ll meet three young people who are struggling to balance real life while attending as many Messianic conferences as they can.
Stephanie Escalante, “21,” from Tampa, FL admits she is a conference junkie, but sees nothing wrong with it. She has attended everything from Messiah Conference to the UMJC international and 20s conferences to ARCH Leadership summit to AMF and everything in between. She even started a Twitter account dedicated to conference crushes. She is so addicted to attending conferences that The Messianic Meow wrote an article about her planning a fake conference and then she actually started planning it. “Even though I’m only ’21,’ I’ve been to enough conferences to know how to plan one. I don’t need help from anyone. I’ve got this. It’s my conference now.”
Amy Liantonio, 30, from Philadelphia, PA says she once went to three conferences in a month, all at the Rosen Plaza Hotel. She has made it her life’s goal to attend every conference at The Rosen, which could be as many as six per year. She is helping Stephanie plan the fake conference.
Vlad Horol, 27, from Chicago, IL considers himself now to be a recovering conference junkie. “I love conferences so much, that I became the UMJC Young Adult Liaison (YAL) as an excuse to attend conferences,” stated Horol. “But I’m married now and my wife, Rachel, told me it was unnecessary for me to attend so many conferences. As part of the recovery process, I stepped down as the YAL earlier this year and will try to limit my conferencing to two conferences per year.” “He’s fine,” Rachel chimed in. “Two conferences per year is more than enough. He’s just going to stick to our photography business, Yofi Photography, and he’ll be fine.”
There’s more to life than attending a conference every other month. If you or a friend spend all your time and money on Messianic conferences, please do not be afraid to ask for emotional support. The Messianic Meow is here for you.
UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF that they are not actually a conference, therefore Stephanie Escalante’s conference resume cannot include AMF.
Isaiah 53
New York City, NY – Sesame Workshop announced this week it will begin production on its 40th co-production, which will be a Messianic Jewish incarnation called Tahini Street. Tahini Street will draw influence from both its Israeli and American Jewish counterparts, Rechov SumSum and Shalom Sesame, as well as American Messianic Jewish culture. Favorite characters appearing in the show will include Elmo, Moishe Oofnik, and Kippi Ben Kippod, as well as newcomer native Chicagoan Muppets Goldie and Shlomo, and humans, such as Azee the Clown and The Great Benafuchi. Topics covered on the show will include eating, laughing, matchmaking, and conferencing. Special guests that have signed on to appear so far are Joel Chernoff, Stuart Dauermann, Jonathan Cahn, and Susan Perlman.
Some Hebrew lessons will be included, however they will only be transliterated into English, rather than shown with the characters of the Alef-Bet, and will be taught using a flannelgraph. Messianic dancing will also be demonstrated on the show and performed to classic songs such as “Rubber Ducky Lai Lai Lai” and “C is for Challah.” Proper shofar etiquette will be stressed throughout the season, in addition to lessons on what it means to have a Jewish heart and why it’s okay for gentiles to attend and fully participate in a Messianic congregation.
Tahini Street will be available as an app for both iPad/iPhone and Android, so children can watch during screen time. The show will be funded as a joint effort between MJAA, UMJC, JFJ, CPM, JVMI, TLV, and The Messianic Times. Please consider donating to one of these fine organizations to keep Tahini Street in production.
Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations announced this week it would be rolling out a new mystery shopping program, of sorts. Restaurants and retailers utilize secret shoppers to help them figure out how their service rates, and now Messianic congregations across the country will be following suit.
In 2010 The UMJC launched The Kehilah 2020 Initiative, or K20 for short. K20’s main goal is to have a thriving Messianic congregation in every city in America that has a heavy Jewish population, by the year 2020. “We’re more than halfway to the deadline and we still have a long way to go,” said UMJC Representative, Abe Melman. “Having secret shoppers visiting different congregations and reporting back to us on the pros and cons of the Shabbat services will help us figure out why some congregations are growing and why some aren’t. If we can pinpoint a formula for a successful congregation, we can make sure the future congregations we plant and current congregations that need help use that formula.”
The new mystery shopping program will begin early 2017 and will reimburse travel and hotel expenses up to 500 miles away from your home congregation. To apply to become a mystery shopper for The UMJC please visit kehilah2020.org or umjc.org
No. You’re wrong. So wrong. So very very wrong. No.
messianiccomedy.com 