Kehilat Ariel Messianic Synagogue in Escrow to Purchase Retired Cruise Ship to Become First Ever Floating Synagogue

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San Diego, CA – Kehilat Ariel Messianic Synagogue in San Diego announced recently they were in escrow to purchase their own building for the first time in the congregation’s 35 year history. Most Messianic congregations rent space from local churches, but it is always a goal to eventually purchase their own building. Typically, congregations will build from the ground up or purchase former church buildings from churches that have gone under. In this instance, Kehilat Ariel will be a pioneer in using a state of the art, out of service cruise ship to act as their headquarters and place of meeting.

“We knew it was time to purchase a building of our own, but a building on land in San Diego is really expensive,” Rabbi Barney Kasdan explained. “A retired cruise ship will cost less and give added benefits that we wouldn’t have in a typical building: We’ll be permanently docked on the ocean, so the view will be fantastic. We’ll even be able to do Tashlikh right off of the deck. Not to mention it will be a great spot for spectators of our immersion services and congregational surf sessions. It’s our tradition to have ‘Shabbat at the Shores’ every summer and now we won’t have to worry about finding a spot on the beach. On top of this, we can double as a hotel or housing for out of town friends and relatives. We’ll also be able to provide emergency housing/shelter for anyone in a dire situation. We’ll even have a brig for any counter missionaries that might try to crash our services.”

Kasdan says Kehilat Ariel still needs to raise around $150,000 in the next month in order to be able to purchase their new congregational home. For more information about how to help out you can visit http://www.kehilatariel.org/wordpress/?p=5255

 

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Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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And the winner of the first ever Messianic Meow caption contest is Craig Arbour. Mazel tov, Craig!

 

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Havdalah Spice Girls’ Debut Album “Besamim” Rumored to Sync Up Perfectly With the Upcoming Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

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Murca – The Havdalah Spice Girls recently released their first album “Besamim” and it is already taking off like wildfire within the Messianic community, who was in desperate need of a female pop super group. In a strange world of ‘coincidences’  and happenstance, even Praise and Worship music can have a profound effect on the secular pop culture scene.

Legend has it Pink Floyd’s album “Dark Side of the Moon” syncs up perfectly with the movie The Wizard of Oz, if you time it just right. 22 year old Rebekah Goldstein of Overland Park, KS was lucky enough to have been given a leaked copy of the upcoming Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, which is set to debut on Netflix later this week. “Pop culture is my life,” Rebekah posted on Facebook. “Especially music, which is what my degree is in. I am constantly composing soundtracks to events of my life, TV shows, my friends’ Snapchat stories, etc. As soon as I started watching the new GG season, it immediately reminded me of Besamim. So I started the show over and played Besamim along with it. Sure enough, the two sync up exactly. It was totes cray. Especially when the song ‘Choose This Day Whom You Will Serve’ started playing while Rory was trying to decide between Dean, Jess, and Logan! Like I seriously can’t even right now, you guys.”

Nobody from The Havdalah Spice Girls camp could be reached for comment on whether or not the synchronization was intentional. If you’d like to see for yourself, Goldstein says to start 18 seconds into the track “Fire and wine” as soon as the theme song finishes in the first episode. If you have not yet purchased Besamim, you may do so on iTunes.

 

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Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Chicken Soup Little

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Once upon a time there was a little bowl of Chicken Soup with legs named Chicken Soup Little. One day, Chicken Soup Little was sitting on the floor of her kitchen, when a matzah ball rolled off of the counter and onto her little keppe. “The sky is falling!” She cried. “The sky is falling!” And scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager, so he can close up shop.

On the way, she met up with her friend, Henny Youngman Penny. “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little cried. “How do you know?” Asked Henny Youngman Penny. “I was in my kitchen minding my own business, when a piece of the sky fell down and conked me on the keppe!” Chicken Soup Little Explained. “Oh please,” Henny Youngman Penny retorted. “You’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time. What makes you think it’s the sky?” “Well,” Chicken Soup Little replied. “When I consulted The Googles on falling objects it said it was probably the sky falling!!” “Oh no!” Shrieked Henny Youngman Penny!” “If The Googles told you that it must be true!!! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they ran into Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny screamed. “How do you know?” Asked Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Replied Chicken Soup Little. “Oh please, you’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time!” Turkey Reuben Shmurkey responded. “What makes you think it was the sky?” “I asked The Googles what it could possibly be and it said it was the sky!” Chicken Soup Little yelped. “Oh no!” Yelled Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “If The Googles says it was the sky then it has to have been the sky! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they spotted Hoppel Poppel. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little, Henny Youngman Penny, and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey screamed. “Whoa whoa slow down. I get that you guys are famisht, but what do you mean the sky is falling?” Asked Hoppel Poppel. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Exclaimed Chicken Soup Little. “I know it was the sky because The Googles told me it was!” “Oy gevalt en himmel!” Hoppel Poppel bellowed. “If The Googles told you the sky is falling then surely the sky must be falling! Mach shnell! We must go tell The Deli Manager!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they discovered that farkakta Foxy Loxy waiting in the woods. “Hello, shayna punims.” He said, as he pinched each of them on their cheeks. “What brings you all into the woods today?” “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little blurted out. “The sky is falling! A piece of it fell on me this morning. I used The Googles to confirm it was the sky falling! We are on our way to tell The Deli Manager so he can close up shop!” “Oh dear,” said that farkakta Foxy Loxy. “Well, I know a shortcut to get to The Deli Manager. Why don’t you all step into my den and I will show you?”

And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel all followed that farkakta Foxy Loxy into his den. And, wouldn’t you know, that farkakta Foxy Loxy devoured every single one of them and washed them down with a can of delicious Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda.

And they were never seen or heard from again.

The end.

 

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Meme Contest

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Caption this: the best comment will be made into a meme, with credit given to the person who came up with the caption. (If you can’t tell, this is a room full of Shofars)

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Guest Post by Sean Emslie | MJTI Announces New Graduate Certificate in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Coming in 2017

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Today, Messianic Jewish Theological Institute President, Rabbi Elliot Klayman announced a new graduate certificate program at MJTI, focused on developing leaders in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts.

Klayman stated, “For the last 20 years, MJTI has been teaching and preparing the next generation of Messianic Rabbis via our Masters in Jewish Studies and Rabbinical School, and, with our recent certificate program in Cantorial Studies, we continue our work of building up the next generation of Messianic Cantors.

In 2017, we’re looking to build up the next generation of another important part of Messianic Jewish life, by raising up the next generation of the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Leaders.

We all know how important it is in Messianic Jewish life to have quality liturgy and quality teaching, which is the work of Cantors and Rabbis. Now we look to focus on the other important areas of Messianic Jewish life, this being the broad category that we call ‘Messianic Jewish worship arts,’ which includes Davidic Dancing, Banner Waving (includes Streamers), Star of David shaped Tambourine playing, and of course, Shofar Blowing (both during the High Holidays and randomly during the year). To build up the next-generation of leaders in these areas, in the Spring 2017 quarter, we are starting the new Graduate Certificate in the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts program.”

The five courses required are:

  1.  The Theology of Davidic Dance

  2.  Leading Davidic Dance

  3.  Banner Waving (Includes Streamers)

  4.  Star of David Shaped Tambourine Skills

  5.  Shofar Blowing for Year Round Use (Why Limit it to the High Holidays?)

Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer, founder and President Emeritus of MJTI, also commented, “MJTI continues to seek to develop a modern mature Messianic Judaism for the future and adding these important skills, especially skilled shofar blowers and banner wavers within our synagogues, will build up leaders for the future. Those gifted in these arts will help to continue growing our movement for the future and help us to cement our role as Jews within the greater Jewish community.”

Klayman also noted, “If there is great interest in our first year, we may consider developing a full Masters program in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts, which would be a 48 unit program with advanced skills training, and thesis, on an area of Messianic Jewish Theology and the Worship Arts.”

For more information on the new program please visit MJTI.org.

 

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New Insect Found Speaking in Tongues Dubbed “Praying Mantis”

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Limón Province, Pococí, Costa Rica – A new insect species was discovered this week in the Tortuguero National Park in Costa Rica. The species was found making noises that resemble human beings speaking in tongues, and was, therefore, dubbed the “Praying Mantis.” This new species is not to be confused with the more commonly known Praying Mantis, which has the Spiritual Gift of Intercession, rather than Tongues. Of course, this sounds incredibly far-fetched, but experts say it is more prevalent than we think.

“It’s actually very common for insects to have been given Spiritual Gifts,” said Leroy Brown, Head of The International Foundation for Charismatic Entomology. “Example: Spiders have the Gift of Craftsmanship, Crickets the Gift of Creative Communication, and Caterpillars have the Gift of Faith. Typically each insect will each have just one Gift, as opposed to humans who generally have around three. Though rare, some insects may also have more than one Spiritual Gift. Now that we’ve discovered a breed of Mantises that can pray in Tongues, I think we may find that some of them will also be able to intercede with the best of them.”

The new breed of Praying Mantis is thought to be found globally, though more research still needs to be done in order to verify that. While it is wonderful that these insects can pray in Tongues, a species of insects that can interpret Tongues has yet to be discovered. In other news, the first Worldwide Charismatic Insect Conference is currently in the works, to be held at The Rosen Plaza Hotel in the Summer of 2017, where mosquitoes will be recognized as the shofars of the insect world.

 

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Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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