Category Archives: Jewish Culture

Who Was Beth Messiah and Why Are So Many Messianic Congregations Named After Her?

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Born Beth Hallel in 1922 in Brooklyn, New York, to Russian-Jewish Immigrants turned Vaudeville performers, Keren Ohr and Hillel Hallel, Beth Messiah was raised in a one bedroom apartment with nine siblings. Though her life started with humble beginnings, she would go on to become someone who is often hailed as “The Chuck Norris of Messianic Judaism.”

Beth Messiah led an epic life with events that ranged from leading Joel Chernoff’s parents to The Lord, to riding the Loch Ness Monster barebacked, to jump roping across the United States in a matter of three days, to planting what is now the largest Messianic Congregation in the world.

Beth Messiah met her husband, Walter Messiah, while grooming rabid bears in Alaska and the two would later head the committee to unify the MJAA and the UMJC. Sadly, they did not succeed, but the effort was still there.

Beth Messiah passed away in 1989 after being eaten by a bear, but her legacy lives on in the names of countless Messianic congregations throughout the United States. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Rest in peace, Beth Messiah. We couldn’t bear to not let your memory be for a blessing.

If the Al Chet Were Written in 2016

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So every year on Yom Kippur we recite a prayer called the Al Chet, which is a prayer of confession that helps us atone for our sins for the previous year. The Al Chet was written a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. Here’s what I think the Al Chet might read like if it were written in 2016 (feel free to add your own):

•For the sin we have sinned before You by verbally abusing Siri.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by abusing hashtags.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Snapchatting pictures and videos of people who are sleeping.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by taking first world problems seriously.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by the times we couldn’t even.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by not labeling our food porn.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by putting a “D” in front of the word “awwww.”
•For the sin we have sinned before you by sarcastically thanking Obama when something went wrong that wasn’t his fault.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by using the term “on fleek.”
•For the sin we have sinned before You by asking our restaurant server to list every single salad dressing they have and then just ordering Ranch.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by eating Ranch dressing.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Facebook stalking our ex’s current significant other, even though we are much better looking and yellow is so not her color.

Ve-al kulam, Elo’ah selichot, selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu.
For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.

Rabbi Jason Sobel to Host New Mini Reality Series “My Super Sweet Celebrity Sukkah”

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Los Angeles, CA – MTV announced this week it would be airing a new mini reality series called “My Super Sweet Celebrity Sukkah,” in conjunction with the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. Sukkot is also known as The Feast of Tabernacles and many Jews build temporary booths in their backyards to represent the dwellings the Israelites slept in during their 40 year journey through the desert after the Exodus from slavery in Egypt.

The new show will be hosted by Rabbi Jason Sobel of Ruach L.A. and will be a seven part mini series that will air every night between October 16th and October 22nd on MTV and the MTV app. The series will be a half hour long and will feature two celebrity sukkahs per episode, as well as color commentary by Shae Wilbur of EXTRA. The show will be reminiscent of the defunct TV show MTV Cribs where celebrities gave tours of their mansions.

“The latest trend in Hollywood right now is for celebrities to build elaborate Sukkahs in their backyards, even if they’re not Jewish,” Sobel explained. “I want to believe it’s because there are so many Jewish people involved in Hollywood, but I really think it’s just because they think it’s trendy. Probably mostly because it was started by Madonna and Paris Hilton. Even so, it’s drawing attention to an important biblical holiday, and if we can use a trend to educate the public on Sukkot, then it’s still a win.”

The series was filmed during Sukkot in 2015 and will bring us to the backyards of homes of Madonna, Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Jerry Seinfeld, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and Jimmy Fallon, among others. You can watch My Super Sweet Celebrity Sukkah starting this Sunday night on both MTV and The Ruach LA web site. You will lulav it.

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L’shana Tovah

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L’shana tovah! The Messianic Meow will be taking a break during The Days of Awe, but I hope everyone has a sweet new year and a meaningful fast. I’ll catch you all when the post Yom Kippur food coma has set in. 🙂

Donald Trump Endorses Year Round Consumption of Round Challah

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New York City, NY – Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, discovered round challah this week while walking through Brooklyn. Challah, a traditional ceremonial Jewish bread, is braided and only formed in a circle for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, as a symbol of the continuing cycle of the years and seasons. While anyone baking challah can choose to form it in a circle at any point, it is only found in bakeries and stores in a round shape during the high holidays.

“I love the Jews,” Donald stated in an interview. “All my kids are dating or married to Jews. One of my kids IS a Jew! And I love their bread; I could just eat that all day. But I saw it round this week, like a bowling ball. In fact, I used it as a bowling ball. Why don’t they do this all year? They should really do this all year. We’ll do CH-allah bowling in the White House bowling alley. I’m going to have my servants make me round CH-allah every day for the rest of my life. I love bread. And Jews. Jew bread.”

Trump then went on and on about how he loves Jews and plans to build a wall around all Jewish communities in America to 1) Keep them safe from harm 2) Make them feel like they’re in Jerusalem 3) Keep them from mingling with everyone else. When asked how big the walls would be, Trump simply replied, “They’re gonna be ‘UGE.”

Stuart Dauermann to Fast From Sarcasm for Yom Kippur

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Los Angeles, CA – Rabbi Stuart Dauermann announced this week he is planning to fast from sarcasm, in addition to food, for Yom Kippur this year. Yom Kippur, also known as The Day of Atonement, is one of the two holiest days on the Hebrew calendar, along with the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah. On Yom Kippur, Jews are commanded not to work, and fast from food and other pleasurable things, in order to atone for their sins. While a lot of Jews derive most of their earthly pleasures from food, others feel the same way about other things as well.

“When you fast from food on Yom Kippur every single year, sometimes it feels like it’s not enough,” said Dauermann in a YouTube video announcement. “The only thing I love more than food is my caustic wit, so fasting from sarcasm seemed like both the most logical and the hardest thing to do. Fasting is not supposed to be easy or routine. We’re atoning for our sins and we are to give up what we love in order to do so. Just as Jesus gave up being Jewish in order to start Christianity…or DID HE??? You’ll have to listen to my podcast, Toward a More Jewish Jesus, in order to find out!!”

Rabbi Dauermann is known throughout the Messianic community for his knowledge, his sarcasm, and the praise and worship songs he has written, that include lines like “I knew Jesus before he was a gentile.” We certainly wish him luck on cutting sarcasm out of his life for approximately 25 hours. Upon hearing the news of his upcoming fast, the trees of the field all clapped their hands.

Head of Jews for Judaism Accidentally Discovers the 53rd Chapter of Isaiah

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange, turn of events this week, the President of Jews for Judaism, David Rifkind, has discovered Isaiah 53. Jews for Judaism, an anti-missionary organization that was named after Jews for Jesus, has been trying to steer Jews away from Yeshua since 1985.

Jews around the world read the same Torah (The first five books of the Old Testament) and Haftorah (the other books in the Old Testament) portions during the same week everywhere. However, they skip from Isaiah 52 right to Isaiah 54, ignoring Isaiah 53 altogether. Most Jews have never even read Isaiah 53, which talks about qualities of the coming Messiah.

“It’s really incredible,” said Rifkind, in a recent Facebook post. “All these years I’ve been telling people there’s no proof in the Tanakh (Old Testament) that Jesus is The Messiah and here it is, right in front of my schnoz! I didn’t even know there was an Isaiah 53! I thought it was like high rise buildings that don’t have a 13th floor…they just don’t have one and you don’t know why, but you don’t question it either. You just accept it and move on with your day. Oddly enough, I was reading my Tanakh this week while eating a greasy breakfast burrito and the book slipped out of my hand and fell on the floor, face up, opened to Isaiah 53. I couldn’t believe it! When I asked my wife about it she also had no idea there was a 53rd chapter of Isaiah! Like me, she also thought it was like the 13th floor of a high rise building. I immediately went to The Googles to see if anyone else knew there was an Isaiah 53. Sure enough, there are some people aware of Isaiah 53…my old nemeses Jews for Jesus, in fact. I stumbled upon this article that explains Isaiah 53 and now I need to quit my job. Oy gevalt! If anybody wants to hire a nice Jewish boy who is sometimes wrong, but now sees the truth, let me know!”

Rifkind has since left his job and is currently looking for a new career. He is in talks with Jews for Jesus to come on staff, which would make him a counter-counter-missionary.

Havdalah Spice Girls Release New Fragrance Ahead of Upcoming Album

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Nashville, TN – The Havdalah Spice Girls released a new fragrance this week to promote their upcoming album “Besamim.” The fragrance, which also bears the name “Besamim,” smells of cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg and comes in a bottle the shape of a Havdalah spice box. Besamim is the perfect scent when you want to smell like fall. The kind of fall that happens in Murca anyway.

“Move over pumpkin spice everything; Besamim is here!” Rebecca Rudolf, AKA Dancer Spice, said in an interview. “We were originally going to have a scent that was a combination of candle wax, fire, and grape juice, but we decided it would be better to just release a fragrance that shares a name with our album, which will be available soon on iTunes!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls are also in talks to release an entire line of fragrances, including “Sukkot Spice,” which will smell like lulav and etrog, and “Ashkenazi Spice,” which will smell like brisket and noodle kugel. Besamim, the fragrance, is available now at Neiman Marcus and Macy’s. Stay tuned for a release date on Besamim the album, and remember to purchase your tickets to see Misha Goetz, AKA Shy Spice, in the new hit Broadway musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”

Sesame Workshop to Begin Production on New Messianic Jewish Version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street”

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New York City, NY – Sesame Workshop announced this week it will begin production on its 40th co-production, which will be a Messianic Jewish incarnation called Tahini Street. Tahini Street will draw influence from both its Israeli and American Jewish counterparts, Rechov SumSum and Shalom Sesame, as well as American Messianic Jewish culture. Favorite characters appearing in the show will include Elmo, Moishe Oofnik, and Kippi Ben Kippod, as well as newcomer native Chicagoan Muppets Goldie and Shlomo, and humans, such as Azee the Clown and The Great Benafuchi. Topics covered on the show will include eating, laughing, matchmaking, and conferencing. Special guests that have signed on to appear so far are Joel Chernoff, Stuart Dauermann, Jonathan Cahn, and Susan Perlman.

Some Hebrew lessons will be included, however they will only be transliterated into English, rather than shown with the characters of the Alef-Bet, and will be taught using a flannelgraph. Messianic dancing will also be demonstrated on the show and performed to classic songs such as “Rubber Ducky Lai Lai Lai” and “C is for Challah.” Proper shofar etiquette will be stressed throughout the season, in addition to lessons on what it means to have a Jewish heart and why it’s okay for gentiles to attend and fully participate in a Messianic congregation.

Tahini Street will be available as an app for both iPad/iPhone and Android, so children can watch during screen time. The show will be funded as a joint effort between MJAA, UMJC, JFJ, CPM, JVMI, TLV, and The Messianic Times. Please consider donating to one of these fine organizations to keep Tahini Street in production.