Colorado Springs, CO — A recent poll published by Christian organization, Focus on the Family, found that lions are considered to be the most sinful animals on the planet. While humans should technically hold that title, some Christian fundamentalists would disagree.
“Of every animal on the entire flat Earth, lions are setting the worst example for our children,” Joy-Dawn N. Myhart, a respondent of the poll, commented. “First of all, they call themselves PRIDES! We all know pride is a sin! Well, at least those of us who know better do! Second of all, they call themselves KINGS, and we all know there’s only one King, and that’s King Jesus! Lions clearly work for the dark one. Just look at the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan is no roll model. He will just lead your children into watching a movie about witchcraft! Do not fall for it! Plus that clip of Kanye Kardashian’s daughter, North by Northwest playing Simba in the Lion King is all over the internet right now. That family is certainly working for the devil himself. Case in point!”
The full results for this poll will be available soon. Click here to see a partial list of most sinful animals.
Cupertino, CA —- Technology giant, Apple, Inc, has come under fire this week, after its alleged ninja emoji is said to appear to look like a member of the Palestinian terror group, Hamas. With the war at hand, and an unprecedented rise in global antisemitism, it’s now more important than ever for Apple to make sure they’re not alienating any of their customers.
In the past, Apple has made changes to its emoji catalogue after public outcry, including redesigning the handgun to look like a squirt gun, and adding a pregnant man. A petition to remove the Hamas doppelgänger is available on change.org and has over two million signatures. At press time, Apple could not be reached for comment.
Basking Ridge, NJ — Last week, Ruthy Levinstein, of the Somerset County Levinsteins, opened her Bible, and saw that The Torah doesn’t actually say to not eat food on Yom Kippur. Instead, Leviticus 23, instructs us to afflict ourselves and deny ourselves, but does not go into specifics of what that entails. Levinstein decided to take matters into her own hands, and observe the Jewish Day of Atonement in an Unorthodox manner…both literally and figuratively.
“I have Celiac Disease,” Levinstein shared in an Instagram story. “Since I’m not supposed to eat, touch, or look at gluten, I decided to indulge myself…out of affliction! I spent my entire day yesterday eating gluten! I went to the mall food court and just cut loose! First I went to McDonald’s and ate an entire day’s worth of calories, but I couldn’t stop there! I was already in too deep. Then I went to Cinnabon for a pecan roll, and then I went to Auntie Anne’s for an original pretzel with no salt. That was followed by a dozen Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch at Taco Bell. After T Bell, I ordered some samosas and garlic naan from Mumbai To Go, and finally orange chicken and cream cheese rangoons from Panda Express. I even hit up Sbarro for some crappy pizza, just because I could! I was starting to feel like Joey Chestnut at this point. I was unstoppable!!! So I swung by Subway for a sub sample, and then I ventured to my favorite out parcel and topped everything off with a slice of French silk pie from Bakers Square. I thought I was finally finished, but, as I was driving away, I noticed an Olive Garden in the distance, and I really needed some breadsticks and fettuccine alfredo! I was like the very hungry caterpillar/Jewterpillar!! And, also, it turns out I have a tape worm. It felt so good emotionally to be able to do this, but I’m definitely paying the price, because I, unsurprisingly, wound up in the hospital! I will be afflicted by this for the next two months, at least. I denied myself my health, so I feel I have fulfilled the requirement of Yom Kippur in The Torah. I also afflicted my bank account, as fast food is anything but cheap these days. Not to mention the hospital bill I’ll be stuck with now. I also kind of wished I had picked higher quality food, but that Quarter Pounder with cheese hits differently when it’s forbidden. I honestly could have done this everyday for a week and still not have eaten all the things I miss, but even recklessness has its limits. Case in point, I’m in the hospital.”
While afflicting yourself comes in many forms, we do not recommend putting your health and or safety in jeopardy to do it.
Trenton, NJ — A local woman was arrested, and sentenced to five years in prison last Fall, after being found to be creating and distributing black market access codes for the personality test, StrengthsFinder. Gallup, the company that publishes the assessment, pressed charges against 32 year old Shannon Lannon, upon discovering the fraudulent codes, and where they originated from. Unlike other popular personality tests, StrengthsFinder does require you to purchase a book with an access code in it, in order to take the test. According to the Gallup website, the book retails for $39.99, with a current sale price of $19.99.
“Look, I know what it’s like to struggle with money,” Lannon explained, in an exclusive phone interview. “$40, even $20…that’s gas money for some people. And then you only get your top 5 strengths from that. You have to pay even more if you want your full list of all 34 strengths! Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Love Language, DISC…none of them charge you money to get your results. And with StrengthsFinder, some companies hire based off of your results, and there are books out about how to use your Strengths in your marriage. I just think everyone should be able to access it. So I may have hacked into their system and generated my own codes that would be compatible with their website, and then I sold them for $5 a pop, because Mama has to eat too, ya know? I’m basically a modern day Robin Hood. Rob from the rich and give to the poor…if Robin Hood made a small profit off of what he was doing. But, listen, I shouldn’t be locked up for trying to help people. My only mistake was selling the codes on Fiverr, because that’s how they found me. But five years in the slammer is a little extreme, and I’m currently working with both my lawyer and my Strengths Coach on how to best use my strengths to negotiate my way outta here.”
Lannon hopes to be released from prison within the next few months, and says her top 5 strengths are Includer, Maximizer, Strategic, Empathy, and Achiever.
Lake Forest, CA — The Blue Letter Bible Project announced this week it will be adding over 100 new millennial slang words to Strong’s Concordance, in preparation of the upcoming Millennial Bible Translation (MBT), that is expected to be published and distributed sometime next year.
A partial list of the added vernacular was leaked on Reddit early this morning, and includes the following:
•Amazeballs
•Bootylicious
•Bromance
•Cray
•D’oh
•Instagram Husband
•Janky
•Legit
•Phat
•Totally Tubular
•Yeet
The millennial word reference numbers will start with the letter “M,” in order to differentiate them from the original Greek or Hebrew. Though these words did not initially appear in the King James Version (KJV), they are a welcome update to a reference that otherwise leaves out any English version Bible translation that was published after 1611.
An advance copy of the MBT Book of Jonah has already been released, and is available to read here.
St. Paul, MN — A student at Bethel University in Minnesota is in trouble this week, after turning in a report on The Gospel of Matthew that was written based on a dramatized TV show, instead of The Bible. Student, Kade Poncerotti, turned in his paper, thinking he was slick, and was caught red handed.
“I’m absolutely appalled,” Professor Lila Quarter wrote in a letter to the student’s parents. “I saw this all the time when I taught at a secular university, but I never, in a million years, expected to see this happen at a Bible college. Then again, there weren’t any TV shows about Jesus up until now, and the movies about Him…well, I won’t comment on them. Anyway, I knew Kade had written his paper about The Chosen when he went on a tangent about how Simon Peter’s wife, Eden, should leave him for another man, because she’s too good for him. If Kade would like to continue his Biblical studies, he is going to have to figure out how to actually read The Bible instead of assuming a TV show is the same thing. It’s not. I don’t give my students stickers for their sticker chart unless they actually complete their assignment, and, right now, Kade’s sticker chart is empty.”
At press time, Kade Poncerotti has stopped showing up to class or communicating with Professor Quarter. Please note that The Chosen is not a replacement for reading The Gospels in The Bible. Unless, of course, you use The MSG translation, in which case, you may as well just take The Chosen as Bible.
Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.
“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”
Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.
Salem, OR — 15 year old high school student, Jax Swantzenborg, was greeted with a surprise after going with his crush to her youth group at a local church on Sunday night. The evening began with a number of group members engaging in a game called “Mafia,” in which participants feign killing each other off, until only one team remains. What started as an innocent role playing game, ended in a teenager receiving eternal salvation.
“I had no idea Jesus was so cool!” Swantzenborg posted in a TikTok video. “Christians at school have always told me I’m a sinner and need to repent so that I don’t burst into flames, but now I see that Jesus is actually totally cool with me deceiving people and then killing them. I especially enjoyed killing off Madison’s boyfriend, and I can’t wait to put this into practice in my real life! Thank You, Jesus, for showing me the way!”
While Swantzenborg had the right idea by accepting Jesus into his heart, he thankfully has people in his life that are able to guide him in the right direction, and explain that just because it’s okay to play a game at church involving murder and lies, doesn’t mean it’s okay to participate in that out in the world. We are called to be a light to the world, and the practices in this common youth group game don’t translate that very well.
It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
•And more!
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
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