Category Archives: Murca

Havdalah Spice Girls’ Debut Album “Besamim” Rumored to Sync Up Perfectly With the Upcoming Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

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Murca – The Havdalah Spice Girls recently released their first album “Besamim” and it is already taking off like wildfire within the Messianic community, who was in desperate need of a female pop super group. In a strange world of ‘coincidences’  and happenstance, even Praise and Worship music can have a profound effect on the secular pop culture scene.

Legend has it Pink Floyd’s album “Dark Side of the Moon” syncs up perfectly with the movie The Wizard of Oz, if you time it just right. 22 year old Rebekah Goldstein of Overland Park, KS was lucky enough to have been given a leaked copy of the upcoming Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, which is set to debut on Netflix later this week. “Pop culture is my life,” Rebekah posted on Facebook. “Especially music, which is what my degree is in. I am constantly composing soundtracks to events of my life, TV shows, my friends’ Snapchat stories, etc. As soon as I started watching the new GG season, it immediately reminded me of Besamim. So I started the show over and played Besamim along with it. Sure enough, the two sync up exactly. It was totes cray. Especially when the song ‘Choose This Day Whom You Will Serve’ started playing while Rory was trying to decide between Dean, Jess, and Logan! Like I seriously can’t even right now, you guys.”

Nobody from The Havdalah Spice Girls camp could be reached for comment on whether or not the synchronization was intentional. If you’d like to see for yourself, Goldstein says to start 18 seconds into the track “Fire and wine” as soon as the theme song finishes in the first episode. If you have not yet purchased Besamim, you may do so on iTunes.

 

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Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Chicken Soup Little

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Once upon a time there was a little bowl of Chicken Soup with legs named Chicken Soup Little. One day, Chicken Soup Little was sitting on the floor of her kitchen, when a matzah ball rolled off of the counter and onto her little keppe. “The sky is falling!” She cried. “The sky is falling!” And scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager, so he can close up shop.

On the way, she met up with her friend, Henny Youngman Penny. “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little cried. “How do you know?” Asked Henny Youngman Penny. “I was in my kitchen minding my own business, when a piece of the sky fell down and conked me on the keppe!” Chicken Soup Little Explained. “Oh please,” Henny Youngman Penny retorted. “You’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time. What makes you think it’s the sky?” “Well,” Chicken Soup Little replied. “When I consulted The Googles on falling objects it said it was probably the sky falling!!” “Oh no!” Shrieked Henny Youngman Penny!” “If The Googles told you that it must be true!!! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they ran into Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny screamed. “How do you know?” Asked Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Replied Chicken Soup Little. “Oh please, you’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time!” Turkey Reuben Shmurkey responded. “What makes you think it was the sky?” “I asked The Googles what it could possibly be and it said it was the sky!” Chicken Soup Little yelped. “Oh no!” Yelled Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “If The Googles says it was the sky then it has to have been the sky! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they spotted Hoppel Poppel. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little, Henny Youngman Penny, and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey screamed. “Whoa whoa slow down. I get that you guys are famisht, but what do you mean the sky is falling?” Asked Hoppel Poppel. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Exclaimed Chicken Soup Little. “I know it was the sky because The Googles told me it was!” “Oy gevalt en himmel!” Hoppel Poppel bellowed. “If The Googles told you the sky is falling then surely the sky must be falling! Mach shnell! We must go tell The Deli Manager!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they discovered that farkakta Foxy Loxy waiting in the woods. “Hello, shayna punims.” He said, as he pinched each of them on their cheeks. “What brings you all into the woods today?” “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little blurted out. “The sky is falling! A piece of it fell on me this morning. I used The Googles to confirm it was the sky falling! We are on our way to tell The Deli Manager so he can close up shop!” “Oh dear,” said that farkakta Foxy Loxy. “Well, I know a shortcut to get to The Deli Manager. Why don’t you all step into my den and I will show you?”

And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel all followed that farkakta Foxy Loxy into his den. And, wouldn’t you know, that farkakta Foxy Loxy devoured every single one of them and washed them down with a can of delicious Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda.

And they were never seen or heard from again.

The end.

 

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Meme Contest

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Caption this: the best comment will be made into a meme, with credit given to the person who came up with the caption. (If you can’t tell, this is a room full of Shofars)

shofar-room

Guest Post by Sean Emslie | MJTI Announces New Graduate Certificate in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Coming in 2017

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Today, Messianic Jewish Theological Institute President, Rabbi Elliot Klayman announced a new graduate certificate program at MJTI, focused on developing leaders in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts.

Klayman stated, “For the last 20 years, MJTI has been teaching and preparing the next generation of Messianic Rabbis via our Masters in Jewish Studies and Rabbinical School, and, with our recent certificate program in Cantorial Studies, we continue our work of building up the next generation of Messianic Cantors.

In 2017, we’re looking to build up the next generation of another important part of Messianic Jewish life, by raising up the next generation of the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Leaders.

We all know how important it is in Messianic Jewish life to have quality liturgy and quality teaching, which is the work of Cantors and Rabbis. Now we look to focus on the other important areas of Messianic Jewish life, this being the broad category that we call ‘Messianic Jewish worship arts,’ which includes Davidic Dancing, Banner Waving (includes Streamers), Star of David shaped Tambourine playing, and of course, Shofar Blowing (both during the High Holidays and randomly during the year). To build up the next-generation of leaders in these areas, in the Spring 2017 quarter, we are starting the new Graduate Certificate in the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts program.”

The five courses required are:

  1.  The Theology of Davidic Dance

  2.  Leading Davidic Dance

  3.  Banner Waving (Includes Streamers)

  4.  Star of David Shaped Tambourine Skills

  5.  Shofar Blowing for Year Round Use (Why Limit it to the High Holidays?)

Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer, founder and President Emeritus of MJTI, also commented, “MJTI continues to seek to develop a modern mature Messianic Judaism for the future and adding these important skills, especially skilled shofar blowers and banner wavers within our synagogues, will build up leaders for the future. Those gifted in these arts will help to continue growing our movement for the future and help us to cement our role as Jews within the greater Jewish community.”

Klayman also noted, “If there is great interest in our first year, we may consider developing a full Masters program in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts, which would be a 48 unit program with advanced skills training, and thesis, on an area of Messianic Jewish Theology and the Worship Arts.”

For more information on the new program please visit MJTI.org.

 

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Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

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The Messianic Meow to Sell T-shirts That Tell the Entire Messianic Movement That Person Next to You is Not Your Spouse

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Murca – If you’re an adult that has ever been to a Messianic conference or visited a new congregation, odds are you’ve had at least a few people ask you if the person of the opposite sex standing next to you is your husband or wife. While this mostly affects those of the millennial generation, people of all ages have been mistaken for spouses. It’s a common enough occurrence that something needs to be done about it.

“I’ve been through this myself,” said Messianic Meow Creator, Jami Robins. “It’s happened so many times: I was asked if my boyfriend was my husband, I was asked if my brother-in-law was my husband, I was once even asked if my DAD was my husband, just because he was sitting with me during Shabbat services at a UMJC Conference. NO! But the final straw for me was when someone assumed I was my Rabbi’s wife because I was with him in the marketplace at Messiah Conference. ENOUGH. I’m tired of this happening and I had to do something about it. So now we’ve got these t-shirts that people can wear to conferences that simply say on them ‘No, that is not my husband’ or ‘No, that is not my wife.’ There will be no question about it and it will save everyone embarrassment. Yes, you want us to marry other Messianics, and that’s great, but some people just aren’t married to each other. In fact, MOST people aren’t married to each other.”

The new T-shirts will be available online and at The Marketplace at all Regional and National UMJC and MJAA Conferences. Shirts will be $30 individually, with a discount for bulk orders. You will also be able to receive one of these shirts for free with a donation of $18 a month or more through The Messianic Meow Patreon web site. Robins says these shirts will hopefully eliminate the need for older Jewish women to go around asking people they don’t know if they are married to each other. She also said what you’re reading right now is literally an article of clothing.