ARCH Leadership Summit Ends in Chaos After Everyone Leaves Without a New CC

dawson

Orlando, FL – Disaster has struck the 2017 ARCH Leadership Summit in Orlando this weekend after not one single attendee found a new conference crush. This marks the first time in the history of Messianic Jewish conferences that there have been no matches made, even if just unrequited. While completely out of the ordinary, there were some survivors of the incident.

“In all my years of attending conferences, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said YMJA Secretary, Melissa Brown, via The YMJA Facebook page. “I don’t even understand how you can get a whole conference room full of Messianic guys and girls and not one single person has developed new feelings for someone. The YMJA exec board had an emergency Skype meeting to discuss this. We think the problem stemmed from Nate Benjamin not attending this year’s Summit, which triggered a horrific chain reaction of hearts turning to stone, but there’s absolutely no way to prove that. The conference ended with everyone scrambling to find someone they might have slight feelings for, to no avail. Sadly, if this happens again it could mean extinction for the entire Messianic movement.”

We, at The Messianic Meow, are just absolutely famisht, verklempt, and plotzing at this tragic news. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the young people who have had to deal with such a travesty and we hope they will be able to bounce back quickly and find some new CCs during the Summer 2017 conference season. Godspeed, young people; Godspeed.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

IAMCS To Implement War on Hugs

hugs

Havertown, PA – The Messianic movement is filled with numerous conferences attended by people from all over the nation, and even the world. After not seeing each other for long periods of time, when everyone comes together on the first day of conferences it is inevitable that they love to hug and catch up with their friends. However, over the years things have gotten completely out of control.

The IAMCS/MJAA has announced a campaign called the “War on Hugs,” which is a term to describe the greater, collaborative effort to combat the countless gateway hugs on first days of conferences that lead to extended and pointless small talk, inability to unpack, and enabling of repetitive and/or unoriginal conversation topics.

IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, commented saying, “We’ve received many complaints from people of all ages. The younger generation is tired of getting hugs from people who only know them through their parents. The older generation is tired of not being able to come up with new conversation topics for the younger generation. And both generations are tired of seeing people show up to the first evening service of conference wearing sweat pants and flip flops because they didn’t have time to unpack!”

The MJAA is already taking action with their annual ARCH Leadership Summit just around the corner. An anonymous source claims they have hired a trained S.W.A.T. team (Sustained Welcome Avoidance Team) to help move people along through the registration lines.

“Of course we want people to greet each other and spread the love of Messiah all throughout conference,” Liberman added, “but we felt that if people are so overwhelmed with hugs and catching up that they can’t even unpack, we may be forced to scrub to the evening service. This is conference, people; not college.”

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Jonathan Bernis Comes Out as Huge One Direction Fan

onedirection

Phoenix, AZ – President of the Greater Messianic Movement, Jonathan Bernis, has finally admitted to being a big fan of the British pop band, One Direction. The announcement came after Bernis assigned the book “The One Thing,” by Gary Keller to those taking his leadership track at the upcoming ARCH Leadership Summit. The book has an eerily similar name to one of One Direction’s biggest hits, “One Thing,” and members of the movement began to speculate that this was not just a coincidence.

“Well, the rumors are true,” Bernis said in an e-mail blast. “I am a huge One Direction fan. I don’t oft listen to secular music, but I do love Dylan, The Grateful Dead, and, of course, One Direction. There’s just something about their haunting melodies and wistful lyrics that reach the depths of my soul. I did intentionally assign a book that had a similar name to my favorite One Direction song. Sadly, once I read it, I realized it had nothing to do with the band, but it was too late. However, I still expect everyone taking the Leadership Track at The Summit to read it.”

Bernis will speak more about his taste in music in the upcoming biography, “Human Like Us,” which will showcase in depth interviews with various Messianic Rabbis and other ministerial leaders, to give us a day to day look at what their lives are like outside of ministry. More information about this book will be forthcoming, through First Fruits of Zion is hoping to release the book before the major summer conferences of 2017.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Muchan Conference Attendees Showcase Every Possible View of the Spanish Synagogue in Prague

praguesynagogue

Prague, Czech Republic – The Chosen People Ministries’ Messianic millennial’s conference, Muchan, was held, this past week, in Prague. Unlike most Messianic conferences, Muchan is held in a European city and specifically allows time for conference attendees to sightsee around the area. This year, the conference brought an excursion to the Prague Jewish Quarter, where the entire group decided to take pictures of the Spanish Synagogue, that they would immediately post to their social media accounts. For some people not attending Muchan, this meant seeing the same building, repeatedly, from various friends, in their news feeds.

“It’s incredible,” said conference attendee, David Falkowitz. “Incredible, that we can all post pictures of different angles of the same building and litter everyone’s Facebook and Instagram feeds with the same thing over and over again. It’s like when there’s a rainbow outside; we all have to do our civic duty to make sure anyone not there to witness it in person is still getting the full experience. The greatest view of all was the bathroom, though. It was just….breathtaking.”

Muchan typically takes place in a different European city every two years, but the next one is slated to be held on The Moon in 2020. For more information about Muchan, please head over to www.muchanconference.com

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

FAQs for Female Millennials on Their First Day of a Messianic Conference

messiahconfstage

FAQs

Q. Hi! How are you?

A. To be honest, I woke up at 4:00 this morning, took a bumpy flight next to someone who really should have booked two seats for himself, and then drove here in a car that was packed jam tight with my family’s luggage, all without having one sip of coffee. And now here I am, and I know I’ve seen your face somewhere, probably praying for someone outside the marketplace, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember your name. But anyways, I’m good.

Q. What’s new with you?

A. LITERALLY nothing. School is school. Dating life is dating life. The newest thing to happen to me are these shoes I’m currently wearing that my Grandma bought for me two Chanukahs ago. But I sense that you’re going to continue with these questions anyways, so- annnnd commence the small talk.

Q. Are you in school?

A. Yes, I am. Not in your state. And, yes, it is a public institution, but please don’t fret, Mr. FamiliarFace; I have grown up in this movement and I know better.

Q. What’s your major?

A. LOL. Right now I’m liberal arts, but actually hoping God reveals to me my higher purpose and calling at this conference, and then all my worries can go away.

Q. Have you ever thought about relocating to my city? Beautiful weather, wonderful congregation, lots of single millennials!

A. No, because, frankly, I have no clue where you live and I’m already settled and you did NOT just call me a millennial…

Q. Are you dating anyone?

A. HAHAHAHAHA the only boy who likes me is my dog, who is in a kennel right now, probably flirting with other female dogs. So, in conclusion, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Q. Remind me to introduce you to my son this week. It’s his first conference.

A. Please tell me what makes you think I want to meet your son? And why are you acting like I’m here because I was hired as a tour guide for the conference?

Q. He lives only 9 hours from you…

A. Acting like I got a deal with Exxon for free gas for the rest of my life.

Q. Does a 14-year age difference bother you?

A. Hmm, lets do the math: 14 years ago I was starting Kindergarten and your son was starting his private practice.

Q. Are you familiar with risk management?

A. Risk WHOOO???

Q. Well, maybe you guys will meet up at dinner or something.

A. OK you are spending way too much time talking about your son whom I didn’t even know existed until this second.

Q. Well, hey it was good seeing you. I’ll be sure to attend your Rabbi’s message tomorrow morning. Are you going?

A. How do you even know what congregation I attend? Have we been introduced before?

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | World’s First Messianic Jewish Board Game in Development

messiahcollegebridge2

Atlanta, GA – In an early morning press conference, a new company called MessyAntic Games announced that they are creating the world’s first Messianic Jewish board game, which they hope to release early next summer. Company founder, Jeremiah Cohen, called it, “A new, distinctly Messianic twist on a modern classic.”

The game, called Settlers of Grantham, is heavily based on the German mega-hit Settlers of Catan. The name comes from the Pennsylvania town, in which the annual Messiah Conference, the setting of the game, takes place. The game board is made up of tiles representing the various buildings and landmarks of Messiah College. These tiles can be laid out in an accurate representation of the campus (a layout guide is included, in case, by freak happenstance, none of the players can recreate it from memory), or they can be placed in any other randomized configuration the players wish.

Gameplay itself will be more or less the same as Catan. Players take on the role of first-time Messiah Conference attendees, working to collect valuable resources, such as Lamb T-shirts, Paul Wilbur albums, and Tree of Life Version Bibles. Players can then trade and use these resources to expand their networks – building connections, conversations, and friendships, which function much the same as the equivalent roads, settlements, and cities of the original game. They can also use their resources to pick up event cards, which range from relatively common events like “YMJA Dress Code Violation,” “Attend Dance Class,” and “Meet A Rabbi,” to rare and powerful ones like “Healthy Meal” and “Sleep.” As players build and expand, they accumulate points. Once a player reaches 10 points, everyone reveals any hidden points they may have (from certain event cards such as “Consider Making Aliyah”), and whoever has the highest total score is determined to have found their future spouse and, therefore, won the game.

To anyone who’s played Catan, all of this probably sounds more than a bit familiar. But despite the apparent similarities, Cohen was adamant that this is no mere knock-off. “Well, obviously it’s based on Catan, so there are bound to be some comparisons there,” he said. “But we’ve also gone to great lengths to give our game a unique Messianic feel. For one thing, we’ve replaced the two dice for generating resources with a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted dreidels, providing an elegant system, which is firmly rooted in Jewish tradition. Also, unlike the robber, the Anti-Missionary’s negative effects can be reduced if you can provide a scriptural refutation of his arguments. Plus we’ve got a number of event cards that are completely unlike anything from Catan’s development deck. The ‘Break Curfew’ card, for example, simulates the risk factor of such an action by using a dreidel to determine what benefit or penalty the player receives.”

Pre-orders for the game are slated to begin in early spring, and Cohen says they hope to have the game ready and available for purchase at Messiah Conference 2017. He also assured us that the company has been brainstorming ideas for more games in the future. Those ideas range from Messianic versions of other essential Eurogames like Ticket To Ride and Carcassonne to entirely original projects with promising titles like Aliyah! and Davidic Dance Melee. Will these games become staples of the Messianic movement, or will they wallow in obscurity? Only time will tell, but for now, the odds for success seem far better than a roll of the dice – or, more fittingly, a spin of the dreidel.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Guest Post by Nathanial Hackett | Harrison Ford Named as Key Note Speaker for Upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference

harrisonford

Orlando, FL – In light of the Star Wars craze, Rabbis everywhere are desperate to gain more knowledge or intimately know more about Stars Wars and Rogue One.  So they sought עדַיָ, who they find, through Google, is a character of Star Wars.  While the transliteration was incorrectly spelled “Yoda,” they originally asked for him to speak at the upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando next month.  Finding he was over 900 years old, they felt the trip might be exhaustive, so they sought after the next eldest Jewish Guy, Harrison Ford.

While not Messianic, Harrison Ford said he could understand dying in order to save the galaxy or even just one person, like a son, for example.  He said he is not sure about walking on water, but he has known several Skywalkers, so he thinks his knowledge is broad enough. He is also willing to share many stories and insight to the younger single Rabbis on how to woo young JAPs; Jewish Alderaanian Princesses.  He did warn that a career of smuggling is not the best resume and said, quite frankly, JAPs have big Daddy issues and strange brother sister closeness, and suggested avoiding them, unless they are very rich.

Ford suggested that Star Wars was critical to everyday life, as so many of the younger generations already know.  In honor of the importance of Rogue One, and Star Wars in general, he suggested switching the Manischewitz out for Blue Milk.  He also suggested that all Menorahs replace the candles with miniature lightsabers.  This should draw in young people by the thousands…If not, then you can always try free movie tickets…

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Joel Chernoff and Paul Wilbur Announce New Messianic Band That’ll Knock Your Shofars Off

joelpaul

Orlando, FL- The famed Joel Chernoff, who penned such classics as “Baruch Adonai,” “Jew and Gentile,” “The Sacrifice Lamb,” and many more, hit the Messianic Music Scene back in a huge way this past week.

“I decided to team up with Paul Wilbur and make a new band called ‘Tamb,’” said Chernoff, at the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, this past weekend. “It’ll be like my previous project ‘Lamb’ with Rick Coghill and Ted Pearce, only a bit different. Both Paul and I were deeply moved by the roaring sound of the jingling tambourines at the Messiah Conference this past summer during our sets, so I came over to him and asked, ‘Hey Paul, we both were crying because of those tambourines in our sets at Messiah, why don’t we actually collaborate on a new Messianic music project together? We’ve never done one, so how bout it?’ He got very excited and was all in after I presented the idea! I’m so excited!!”

Tamb is already starting to write some new material, such as “Shake Your Tambs, All You People,” “I Will Keep the Beat With My Brothers,” and “Blow a Trumpet in Zion, Not Grantham, PA.” “Our goal is to get the movement excited about creative expression as much as possible,” commented Wilbur at the same SE Regional Conference.  “We want to hear some great Shouts of Joy about this new project!”

The first album plans to drop in early 2017 and will be sponsored by Jonathan Bernis’ new Yeshualand theme parks.  To find out more about Joel visit https://joelchernoff.wordpress.com/ and Paul visit https://www.wilburministries.com/. To learn more about Jonathan Bernis and Jewish Voice Ministries International, visit http://www.jewishvoice.org/.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

New YMJA Director of Operations, Sabra Waldman, Bans ‘Insignificant’ Brands of Hummus From All Future YMJA Functions

sabra-hummus

Philadelphia, PA – A big announcement came out of the YMJA Executive Committee meetings in Philadelphia this week, as newly hired Director of Operations, Sabra Waldman, announced a ban on ‘insignificant’ brands of hummus from all future YMJA functions, including, but not limited to Cedar’s, Tribe, Trader Joe’s, and homemade incarnations. This is Waldman’s first major decision as part of the YMJA staff.

“As you probably guessed, Sabra Hummus is named after me,” Waldman explained in an interview. “Believe it or not, the Waldman family does actually own the company. I know that snacks are a huge part of YMJA functions, and as the new Director of Operations, I want to make it very clear that, even though the leadership has recently changed, I am here for every YMJA member and I want to be very actively involved. The best way to do that is to have my name everywhere as a reminder of that. And, yes, Sabra Hummus was recently recalled, due to ‘Listeria.’ We did plan, intentionally, for that to happen around my coming aboard to the YMJA; there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

YMJA members attending Regional conferences, retreats, ARCH Leadership Summit, and Messiah Conference can expect to find every variety of Sabra Hummus at future functions, in addition to other Sabra brand dips, such as guacamole, Greek yogurt dip, and salsa. Any YMJA member found sneaking in other brands of hummus will be subject to disciplinary action, including and up to eating said contraband without the use of their hands or utensils, via live stream on the YMJA Facebook page, as the crowd looks on. Punishments will also be Snapchatted and Instagrammed.

 

Support the Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Famed Rosen Plaza Hotel to Lift Lifelong Ban on Messianic Conferences

RosenPlaza

Orlando, FL – The luxurious Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando, FL announced this week it will finally allow the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America to hold conferences and other Rabbinical and executive meetings on its premises. The announcement comes just in time for the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, which will take place at The Rosen this coming weekend.

Susan Smith, a representative from The Rosen explained their thought process in a press release: “It’s nothing against their religion, so much as their culture, that we have not allowed them here in the past. We just don’t care for their matchmaking and their shofar blowing and their constant need to have food in every single room during all their events. Once they explained to us that if we lift the ban they will have 14 conferences and events here per year, we realized we were throwing money out the door by not letting them hold events here. So there you have it. We will also be providing complimentary shofar resistant ear plugs to all hotel guests during Messianic events on site.”

The MJAA is so grateful so have a new home for their annual events and will celebrate by holding three conferences at The Rosen within the next month: The MJAA Southeast Regional Conference December 16-18, The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference January 2-5, and The YMJA ARCH Leadership Summit January 13-16. For more information about the upcoming Messianic conferences held at The Rosen please visit mjaa.org, iamcs.org, and ymja.org

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com.messianicmeow