FAQs for Female Millennials on Their First Day of a Messianic Conference



Q. Hi! How are you?

A. To be honest, I woke up at 4:00 this morning, took a bumpy flight next to someone who really should have booked two seats for himself, and then drove here in a car that was packed jam tight with my family’s luggage, all without having one sip of coffee. And now here I am, and I know I’ve seen your face somewhere, probably praying for someone outside the marketplace, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember your name. But anyways, I’m good.

Q. What’s new with you?

A. LITERALLY nothing. School is school. Dating life is dating life. The newest thing to happen to me are these shoes I’m currently wearing that my Grandma bought for me two Chanukahs ago. But I sense that you’re going to continue with these questions anyways, so- annnnd commence the small talk.

Q. Are you in school?

A. Yes, I am. Not in your state. And, yes, it is a public institution, but please don’t fret, Mr. FamiliarFace; I have grown up in this movement and I know better.

Q. What’s your major?

A. LOL. Right now I’m liberal arts, but actually hoping God reveals to me my higher purpose and calling at this conference, and then all my worries can go away.

Q. Have you ever thought about relocating to my city? Beautiful weather, wonderful congregation, lots of single millennials!

A. No, because, frankly, I have no clue where you live and I’m already settled and you did NOT just call me a millennial…

Q. Are you dating anyone?

A. HAHAHAHAHA the only boy who likes me is my dog, who is in a kennel right now, probably flirting with other female dogs. So, in conclusion, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Q. Remind me to introduce you to my son this week. It’s his first conference.

A. Please tell me what makes you think I want to meet your son? And why are you acting like I’m here because I was hired as a tour guide for the conference?

Q. He lives only 9 hours from you…

A. Acting like I got a deal with Exxon for free gas for the rest of my life.

Q. Does a 14-year age difference bother you?

A. Hmm, lets do the math: 14 years ago I was starting Kindergarten and your son was starting his private practice.

Q. Are you familiar with risk management?

A. Risk WHOOO???

Q. Well, maybe you guys will meet up at dinner or something.

A. OK you are spending way too much time talking about your son whom I didn’t even know existed until this second.

Q. Well, hey it was good seeing you. I’ll be sure to attend your Rabbi’s message tomorrow morning. Are you going?

A. How do you even know what congregation I attend? Have we been introduced before?


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