Category Archives: People of Messianic Judaism

MLR 2017 Will Be An African Safari in Kenya

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week that the Messianic Leadership Roundtable (MLR) will be held in the African nation of Kenya in 2017 and will partly take place during an African Safari. The annual conference brings together Rabbis and other leaders from all organizations of the Messianic movement and, other than the upcoming Conference Conference and AMF 2.0, is the only true non partisan Messianic conference.

“The 2017 MLR will be the 10th annual conference and we want to do something special to commemorate the milestone,” Bernis stated in a recent YouTube video. “The MLR is normally in Phoenix, where Jewish Voice is headquartered, but we did hold the conference on a cruise last year and it was a big hit. So I had to think, how can I top that for our big 10th anniversary leadership extravaganza? And then it hit me…an African safari! It’s perfect. What better way to learn how to lead a congregation than by gazing at God’s great glory that is wildlife in its natural habitat? And anybody that would like to stay in Africa a little bit longer can bring their name tag from the conference into my new theme park, Yeshualand, for half price admission and a free refillable giraffe shaped soda cup!”

The MLR seeks to promote unity and fellowship among leaders called to Jewish ministry and is open to any leader of a Messianic congregation, para-congregational ministry, or pastor of a church that provides a Jewish ministry within the church. For more information about the MLR please visit www.jewishvoice.org/mlr/

UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference and, therefore, cannot be referred to as a non partisan Messianic conference.

Exposé: Closet-Messianic Celebrities Outed by Big Mouthed Members of the Community

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Bob Dylan, Lynda Carter, Glen Campbell, Gabby Douglas, Justin Bieber. None of these people are actually Messianic…or are they??

The rumors have flown throughout the Messianic Movement for years. “So and so came to my congregation with their girlfriend, grandmother, etc.” “I met them!” “My cousin’s Father’s next door neighbor’s sister’s dog sat next to them at Shul.” Blah blah blah.

But what is the truth? The Messianic Meow investigates:

Wikipedia has confirmed that Glen Campbell considers himself to be Messianic.

Stacy Goebbel of Beth Messiah Columbus confirms that Gabby Douglas has been to her congregation on more than one occasion.

Googling Lynda Carter has confirmed that she attends or at least previously attended a Messianic Congregation at one point.

Justin Bieber has a tattoo in Hebrew that says “Yeshua,” but really, do we even want him?? 😛

And Bob Dylan…well, every single Baby Boomer Messianic has done drugs with Bob Dylan before they became a believer, including the late David Ben-Gurion. Or so they say.

Each of these celebrities probably just wants to be left alone to live their life, but will that happen? Well, my friends, they’ve chosen to be part of the wrong culture if they don’t want word to get around faster than Usain Bolt finds new Brazilian girlfriends.

Of course we’d love to claim them all as our own, but if they really wanted that, we wouldn’t have to dig. We’ve definitely got Shae Wilbur and Avi Kaplan of Pentatonix, so let’s worry about more important things, like what kind of spread will be at Oneg on Saturday.

Until next time, this has been The Messianic Meow Investigates.

Brews for Jesus Acquires Starbucks in $10.5 Billion Deal

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San Francisco, CA – Brews for Jesus, a division of Jews for Jesus, acquired Starbucks this week in an astonishing $10.5 billion dollar deal. Jews for Jesus, an outreach to Jewish non believers, is constantly striving to think outside of the box to share The Gospel and has found that cold brew coffee is one of the most effective ways to do just that.

Since 2014, Jews for Jesus has been giving complimentary cups of coffee as part of their outreaches. “We’ve been testing out the cafe concept in our Sydney, Australia branch and it’s been very successful, so we knew we were ready for the big time,” said David Brickner, Executive Director of Jews for Jesus. “However, at the end of the day we are still a non profit organization and we knew we just didn’t have the funds that Starbucks would require from us to make this acquisition happen, so we had a 60 day prayer campaign leading up to the meeting. Steve Katz, who is the North American Director of Jews for Jesus, and I walked into the meeting with Howard Schultz, the Chairman and CEO of Starbucks and Kevin Johnson, the President and COO of Starbucks. We asked them what they were for and they both just started bawling and handed us the company at a huge discount. We are so grateful that we’ll be able to reach so many more non believing coffee loving Jewish people through this ministry. And just for the record, we do plan to keep all of your favorite drinks, just with different names. Keep your eyes peeled for the Lai Lai Latte, the Messianic Mocha, and the Strawberry Sortie.”

The acquisition should be complete by the end of fourth quarter 2016. No word yet on what will happen to Starbucks’ other concepts, such as Teavana and Evolution Fresh Juice, though Brickner did hint at big plans for those brands as well.

The Rosenberg Special to Debut at Taco Bell

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Irvine, CA – Taco Bell announced this week it would be trying out a new menu item called “The Rosenberg Special”—-a grilled cheese sandwich with turkey bacon. Typically only served at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania during the week of the 4th of July, The Rosenberg Special was made popular by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg nearly two decades ago while attending Messiah Conference and specially requesting turkey bacon on his grilled cheese at the popular campus cafe, The Falcon. Being the accommodating people that they are, the powers that be at The Falcon purchased turkey bacon specifically for Rosenberg, and have made it readily available at Messiah Conference every year since then.

“We wanted to add an item that was completely different from everything else on our menu,” stated Brian Niccol, CEO of Taco Bell. “Burger King is doing the same thing right now with The Whopperito and McDonald’s is also testing out macaroni and cheese at select locations. Expanding the menu options is a win win situation for everyone: we get a wider audience, which leads to higher profits for us, and customers who wouldn’t normally be eating at Taco Bell now have a reason to dine there.”

The Rosenberg Special will be available for a limited trial run before Taco Bell decides whether or not to roll it out nationally. The sandwich will be available in all Seattle and Chicago locations, but only between the 15th and the 21st of Nisan, 5777.

Jeff Seif Gets Knighted, Becomes Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif

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Dallas, TX – On a recent trip to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, Rabbi Dr. Jeffrey Seif participated in a knighting ceremony, in which he was dubbed “Sir Jeffrey of Multiple Talents and Professions.” Seif, who is also an active Police Officer and a Professor at Kings University, somehow still has time in his life to enjoy dinner and a show.

“So I lead a congregation, teach, fight crime, save lives, coordinate bible translations, speak at every single convention, conference, and retreat I’m asked, and sometimes I like to joust. Nu?” Seif was heard to say. “Sleep? Never heard of it! Really, at this point, I’m just trying to collect titles. I like to stand out from the crowd. Besides, I kind of like the idea of a Rabbi in shining armor!”

Self’s future plans include law school and a certificate in accounting, but for now he said he just wants to focus on molding the minds of the future titleholders of tomorrow. His wife, Barri, also asked that she now be addressed as Dr. Mrs. Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif.

Local Woman Celebrates Six Week Anniversary of Fourth Stint with Messianic Judaism

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West Haven, CT – A special oneg was held at Congregation Simchat Yisrael to celebrate Melissa Johnson’s six week anniversary of her fourth stint with Messianic Judaism. Johnson has been part of Messianic Judaism off and on for the past 10 years after taking a DNA test and finding Jewish roots.

“I didn’t even know I was Jewish until I was 33,” said Johnson. “Then I found out my Great Great Grandfather was actually a quarter Jewish, so I feel very connected to Judaism. The food at these congregations is great. You can never get that in a church. Plus, I’m pretty sure Jesus said something or other about Jews being chosen for something. I’m just glad to be part of it again. This feels like family!”

Johnson plans to stay at Simchat Yisrael at least through the Yom Kippur break-fast, after which she says she will ‘play it by ear.’ She is mostly committed to Messianic Judaism, but is open to any church that hosts a great annual picnic.

Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf to Form First Ever All Female Messianic Pop Super Group “The Havdalah Spice Girls”

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Nashville, TN – It was announced this week that five of the leading female vocalists in Messianic Judaism would be joining together to form a new all female pop super group called “The Havdalah Spice Girls.” Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf have each seen individual success in their own way, but collectively decided they would be able to make a bigger statement by combining forces.

“The Messianic Music scene is very male dominated,” stated Chernoff. “We want to change that.  My Dad [Joel Chernoff] helped pave the way for Messianic music and Sharon [Wilbur, née Chernoff] and I were very blessed to grow up around that. Now we want to continue paving that way for women in the movement. We’ve had a lot of fun working together and have even given each other new nicknames: Beckah is Mama Spice, Sharon is Famous Spice, Misha is Shy Spice, Rebecca is Dancer Spice, and I’m Cute-as-a-button Spice!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls will incorporate singing, dancing choreogaphed by Rudolf, and lots of fashion tips for adoring fans. They are scheduled to perform at Messiah ’17 and AMF 2.0. Their first album “Besamim” will be available on iTunes later this year. You can also catch Misha in her Broadway debut this fall in the new musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”

10 Minute Congregational Meeting Turns Into Four Hour Long Kvetch-Fest With a Side of Pizza

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Boca Raton, FL – What started as a 10 minute congregational meeting at Ayts Chayim this last Shabbat, turned into an all afternoon affair. Board Member, Herb Mendelsohn, called a meeting to order to brief everyone on what to expect during this upcoming High Holiday season. “The High Holidays are sneaking up on us very quickly,” stated Mendelsohn. “I mostly just wanted to make sure everyone knew when our services will be and when our sukkah is going to be built.”

The meeting took a turn for the worse when long time member, Ethel Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz raised her hand and started complaining about the lack of butter options for the challah during oneg. “We only have butter and margarine. Why don’t we have I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter?” Whined Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz. “I REALLY can’t believe it’s not butter and the challah is so dry without it.” After which another member, Morty Silvergoldgreencohn proclaimed that he was ready to leave the congregation altogether if they did not start leaving the raisins out of the kugel.

The meeting continued on like this for two hours until everyone collectively decided to order pizza because all this kvetching made them hungry. Sadly, the pizza was delivered with mushrooms on it, instead of on the side, which prolonged the end of the meeting even more. The meeting finally came to a halt after a record 4.2 hours when the food coma set in. Herb Mendelsohn and other congregational staff could not be reached for further comment.

Worship Band Accidentally Mistakes Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” for Old Liberated Wailing Wall Tune

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Irvine, CA – The worship band at Shuvah Yisrael played “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel last Shabbat. The song was played immediately after a classic Paul Wilbur song and brought the worship session to a screeching halt; what would normally be a sweet time to connect with The Lord was met with boos and a cacophony of angry shofar blowing by crestfallen congregants.

When asked why she chose this song, 23 year old worship leader, Kaily Teeter, said, “I honestly thought it was a Liberated Wailing Wall song from the 70s! The folkiness of the song and the lai lai lais—-what else could it possibly be? My boyfriend, Mark, and I are making an album where we bring life into old worship songs and I was just trying to get in touch with our ancestors that played on The Wall to help us prepare for recording the album. Normally my song choices are really well received, but I never even imagined a song with lai lai lai in it would be a secular song by Simon and…who?”

Some say it was an ill timed publicity stunt to help raise funds for Kaily’s upcoming album (www.indiegogo.com/projects/mark-and-kaily-are-making-an-album-music-help#/), while others just blame millennials for anything they possibly can. Nevertheless, Rabbi Larry Feldman said he would have counselors readily available to be a bridge over troubled water for anyone traumatized by this incident.

Marty Goetz Pens New Broadway Musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat”

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Nashville, TN – Singer/Songwriter, Marty Goetz, who is often hailed as a Modern Day Psalmist, has written his first public musical. The new musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat,” will make its debut this fall. Goetz’s musical centers on a dysfunctional Jewish family in Ohio who is trying to sort out their faith as they eat their way through the Jewish holidays.

Songs include “How Many Egg Rolls Will You Eat Tonight?”, “Why Don’t Your Matzah Balls Float Like My Mother’s?”, “Chanukah Bush,” and “Cousin Mordechai is Coming to Town.” Goetz’s sure to be Tony Award winning songbook draws inspiration from Sondheim, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Adolph Green.

Goetz’s daughter, Misha, stars as Hannah, the well meaning adult daughter and Mother of three, who can’t cook her way out of a paper bag. This lighthearted, yet thought-provoking show is sure to stir up all of your emotions. Join The Goldman Family for tears, laughter, and lots of Chinese take-out, as they stumble their way through the Hebrew calendar.

Pre-Broadway previews begin on September 18th at The Playhouse Square in Cleveland. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster and MartyGoetz.com