Local Jewish Couple Accidentally Buys Gym Membership From the YMJA

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Ft. Lauderdale, FL – A South Florida couple has accidentally purchased a gym membership from the Young Messianic Jewish Alliance of America. While searching for local YMCAs in their area, the couple accidentally stumbled upon the YMJA website.

The couple claims that after going onto the YMJA website, they were immediately drawn to choosing this location as their new gym, because of the effective marketing campaign put in place by the YMJA.

Sandy Rosenplaza had this to say on the matter: “The entire YMJA website was filled with slogans talking about ‘challenging young people’ and ‘getting involved, excited, and revived,’ which really caught our attention initially.” However, Sandy’s husband, Harold, claims that, “What really sealed the deal was the one-time only down payment of just $10.00 for a year-long membership!”

The YMJA, on the other hand, had a very interesting perspective on the mix up. A spokesperson for the YMJA claims that this is how the real story went: “The Rosenplazas reached out to us and inquired about our workout plans, and we told them that the YMJA and MJAA are always looking for opportunities to sit down with the greater Jewish community to work out our theological differences! However, we were a little confused as to why they were so adamant about paying us $10.00 for a membership, when they are clearly past the age of 30…”

 

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FAQs for Female Millennials on Their First Day of a Messianic Conference

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FAQs

Q. Hi! How are you?

A. To be honest, I woke up at 4:00 this morning, took a bumpy flight next to someone who really should have booked two seats for himself, and then drove here in a car that was packed jam tight with my family’s luggage, all without having one sip of coffee. And now here I am, and I know I’ve seen your face somewhere, probably praying for someone outside the marketplace, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember your name. But anyways, I’m good.

Q. What’s new with you?

A. LITERALLY nothing. School is school. Dating life is dating life. The newest thing to happen to me are these shoes I’m currently wearing that my Grandma bought for me two Chanukahs ago. But I sense that you’re going to continue with these questions anyways, so- annnnd commence the small talk.

Q. Are you in school?

A. Yes, I am. Not in your state. And, yes, it is a public institution, but please don’t fret, Mr. FamiliarFace; I have grown up in this movement and I know better.

Q. What’s your major?

A. LOL. Right now I’m liberal arts, but actually hoping God reveals to me my higher purpose and calling at this conference, and then all my worries can go away.

Q. Have you ever thought about relocating to my city? Beautiful weather, wonderful congregation, lots of single millennials!

A. No, because, frankly, I have no clue where you live and I’m already settled and you did NOT just call me a millennial…

Q. Are you dating anyone?

A. HAHAHAHAHA the only boy who likes me is my dog, who is in a kennel right now, probably flirting with other female dogs. So, in conclusion, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Q. Remind me to introduce you to my son this week. It’s his first conference.

A. Please tell me what makes you think I want to meet your son? And why are you acting like I’m here because I was hired as a tour guide for the conference?

Q. He lives only 9 hours from you…

A. Acting like I got a deal with Exxon for free gas for the rest of my life.

Q. Does a 14-year age difference bother you?

A. Hmm, lets do the math: 14 years ago I was starting Kindergarten and your son was starting his private practice.

Q. Are you familiar with risk management?

A. Risk WHOOO???

Q. Well, maybe you guys will meet up at dinner or something.

A. OK you are spending way too much time talking about your son whom I didn’t even know existed until this second.

Q. Well, hey it was good seeing you. I’ll be sure to attend your Rabbi’s message tomorrow morning. Are you going?

A. How do you even know what congregation I attend? Have we been introduced before?

 

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Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | World’s First Messianic Jewish Board Game in Development

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Atlanta, GA – In an early morning press conference, a new company called MessyAntic Games announced that they are creating the world’s first Messianic Jewish board game, which they hope to release early next summer. Company founder, Jeremiah Cohen, called it, “A new, distinctly Messianic twist on a modern classic.”

The game, called Settlers of Grantham, is heavily based on the German mega-hit Settlers of Catan. The name comes from the Pennsylvania town, in which the annual Messiah Conference, the setting of the game, takes place. The game board is made up of tiles representing the various buildings and landmarks of Messiah College. These tiles can be laid out in an accurate representation of the campus (a layout guide is included, in case, by freak happenstance, none of the players can recreate it from memory), or they can be placed in any other randomized configuration the players wish.

Gameplay itself will be more or less the same as Catan. Players take on the role of first-time Messiah Conference attendees, working to collect valuable resources, such as Lamb T-shirts, Paul Wilbur albums, and Tree of Life Version Bibles. Players can then trade and use these resources to expand their networks – building connections, conversations, and friendships, which function much the same as the equivalent roads, settlements, and cities of the original game. They can also use their resources to pick up event cards, which range from relatively common events like “YMJA Dress Code Violation,” “Attend Dance Class,” and “Meet A Rabbi,” to rare and powerful ones like “Healthy Meal” and “Sleep.” As players build and expand, they accumulate points. Once a player reaches 10 points, everyone reveals any hidden points they may have (from certain event cards such as “Consider Making Aliyah”), and whoever has the highest total score is determined to have found their future spouse and, therefore, won the game.

To anyone who’s played Catan, all of this probably sounds more than a bit familiar. But despite the apparent similarities, Cohen was adamant that this is no mere knock-off. “Well, obviously it’s based on Catan, so there are bound to be some comparisons there,” he said. “But we’ve also gone to great lengths to give our game a unique Messianic feel. For one thing, we’ve replaced the two dice for generating resources with a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted dreidels, providing an elegant system, which is firmly rooted in Jewish tradition. Also, unlike the robber, the Anti-Missionary’s negative effects can be reduced if you can provide a scriptural refutation of his arguments. Plus we’ve got a number of event cards that are completely unlike anything from Catan’s development deck. The ‘Break Curfew’ card, for example, simulates the risk factor of such an action by using a dreidel to determine what benefit or penalty the player receives.”

Pre-orders for the game are slated to begin in early spring, and Cohen says they hope to have the game ready and available for purchase at Messiah Conference 2017. He also assured us that the company has been brainstorming ideas for more games in the future. Those ideas range from Messianic versions of other essential Eurogames like Ticket To Ride and Carcassonne to entirely original projects with promising titles like Aliyah! and Davidic Dance Melee. Will these games become staples of the Messianic movement, or will they wallow in obscurity? Only time will tell, but for now, the odds for success seem far better than a roll of the dice – or, more fittingly, a spin of the dreidel.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Being a Ted Head is the Thing to Do in the Messianic Movement

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Melbourne, FL- Rabbi Alan Levine, Rabbi of Congregation of Kol Moshiach in Melbourne, FL recently was basking in the afterglow of a Ted Pearce concert. “As I was growing up, being a Dead Head for The Grateful Dead was the thing to do!” said Levine. “But now with all these changes in the Messianic movement, like Muchan on the Moon, Yeshua-centered amusement parks, and the inception of the Golden ARCH, a wonderful young leadership training program, I’m thinking I regret my days of being a Dead Head and want to move forward for Messiah. The young people need something different, you know? So one day in my office I was thinking ‘…gosh what would millennials like? Ted Pearce? Ted Pearce meets the Grateful Dead?? A Ted Head??? Yeah! Brilliant!!’ That’s how the inception of the concept of Ted-Heads came about!”

Jewish Voice Ministries International President and CEO, Jonathan Bernis even decided to include in his menu at the Yeshualand theme parks the “Ted Head Tater Tots” in addition to the “Adam’s McBeefRib” and “The Big Maccabee.”  He also decided to have Ted Pearce’s Cultural Xchange gear and virtual reality goggles prominently displayed in each Yeshualand location. “Why not fuel that fire that our young people are into it?” says President Bernis.

Not only is this catching fire in Levine’s own congregation and at Yeshualand locations, the rage is spreading. “We want to get Ted to come give us a concert! We love him and think our young people could start a revolution of ‘Ted Heads’ that could spread around the world. Who needs the Grateful Dead anymore?! Bring on the Ted!!” said Rabbi Paul Saal of Shuvah Yisrael in Hartford, CT.  “We need more young people to be Zealous over Zion, you know? Also, they must ‘Awake’ with many shofar blasts!”

UMJC Representative, Abe Melman couldn’t agree more. “The UMJC is going to have Ted come down to give a lecture at the next conference in Chicago about ‘How to be a Mensch While Being a Ted Head.’ He’ll also be teaching ‘Worship Leading with a Smile.’ We couldn’t be more excited.” For more information on Ted and to hear some of his wonderful music, check out http://www.tedpearce.com/.

 

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Meme Contest

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Meme contest!!! Thank you to Margaret Alexander for sharing this glorious picture that is begging to be captioned. Post your best ideas here and the winner’s caption will be posted, along with credit given 🙂

Messianic Jews Agree on One Thing: There’s No Right Way to Spell ‘Chanukah,’ But There is a Wrong Way

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Shaker Heights, OH – After a recent blunder in the weekly congregational newsletter at Beth Sukkoth Messianic Synagogue, when Rabbi Brian Blacksmith accidentally made an announcement about their upcoming Hanukah [sic] Cookie Contest, congregants were sent into a panic at the addition of yet another spelling of the upcoming Jewish holiday.

“That is NOT how you spell Chanukah!” Elder Daniel Moss blurted out to the congregation, in disgust. “Look, I don’t care how you choose to spell ‘Chanukah,’ as long as you choose between the eight different spellings already in existence. Adding another one is just completely uncalled for. Like we, as Messianic Jews, aren’t famisht enough as it is, now you have to throw another log on the fire. Oy gevalt!”

A second Elder then stood up at threatened to replace Rabbi Blacksmith if he did not redact the new spelling of Chanukah. “All due respect, Rabbi Blacksmith, this is unacceptable. We, as a congregation, do not accept your new spelling of a classic word. What right have you to change a time old tradition? We will not stand for it. We demand you change it at once, lest ye be replaced by Assistant Rabbi Feigenbaum!”

Sadly, Rabbi Blacksmith had no ill intention and simply just did not spell check his newsletter before it went to press. The moral of the story: always use spell check or have a willing congregant, who has volunteered many many times, to check your work for you.

Happy almost Chanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Channukah/Hannukah/Hannukkah!

 

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Guest Post by Nathanial Hackett | Harrison Ford Named as Key Note Speaker for Upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference

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Orlando, FL – In light of the Star Wars craze, Rabbis everywhere are desperate to gain more knowledge or intimately know more about Stars Wars and Rogue One.  So they sought עדַיָ, who they find, through Google, is a character of Star Wars.  While the transliteration was incorrectly spelled “Yoda,” they originally asked for him to speak at the upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando next month.  Finding he was over 900 years old, they felt the trip might be exhaustive, so they sought after the next eldest Jewish Guy, Harrison Ford.

While not Messianic, Harrison Ford said he could understand dying in order to save the galaxy or even just one person, like a son, for example.  He said he is not sure about walking on water, but he has known several Skywalkers, so he thinks his knowledge is broad enough. He is also willing to share many stories and insight to the younger single Rabbis on how to woo young JAPs; Jewish Alderaanian Princesses.  He did warn that a career of smuggling is not the best resume and said, quite frankly, JAPs have big Daddy issues and strange brother sister closeness, and suggested avoiding them, unless they are very rich.

Ford suggested that Star Wars was critical to everyday life, as so many of the younger generations already know.  In honor of the importance of Rogue One, and Star Wars in general, he suggested switching the Manischewitz out for Blue Milk.  He also suggested that all Menorahs replace the candles with miniature lightsabers.  This should draw in young people by the thousands…If not, then you can always try free movie tickets…

 

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Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council Encouraging Anyone Involved in the Messianic Movement to Convert to PDF

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West Haven, CT – The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council issued a statement this week encouraging anyone involved in the Messianic Movement to convert to PDF. The announcement came shortly after the great MJRC Microsoft Word Disaster of ’16, in which Rabbi Stuart Dauermann had one of his files hacked and changed to make it look like he actually has no sense of humor.

The statement was released by MJRC Executive Director, Rabbi Tony Eaton via an e-mail blast. The statement read as such:

“Dear Messianic Jews:

Due to a recent issue in which Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann’s Microsoft Word files were hacked and made to look like he had no sense of humor, we are now encouraging all Messianic Jews and non-Jews to convert to PDF. Converting to PDF is an incredibly important practice to have as part of your life and also shows that you are serious about your commitment to your documents. Converting to PDF makes your documents official, and much less likely to be tampered with, should they fall into the wrong hands. Please take the time to pray about automatically converting all of your documents to PDF, so as to protect your precious documents that are a gift from Adonai. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Tony Eaton”

At the advisement of the MJRC, there is expected to be a rise in Messianics converting to PDF, which is previously unheard of within Messianic Judaism. If you’d like more information about the MRJC conversion to PDF process please visit www.ourrabbis.org

 

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Famed Rosen Plaza Hotel to Lift Lifelong Ban on Messianic Conferences

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Orlando, FL – The luxurious Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando, FL announced this week it will finally allow the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America to hold conferences and other Rabbinical and executive meetings on its premises. The announcement comes just in time for the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, which will take place at The Rosen this coming weekend.

Susan Smith, a representative from The Rosen explained their thought process in a press release: “It’s nothing against their religion, so much as their culture, that we have not allowed them here in the past. We just don’t care for their matchmaking and their shofar blowing and their constant need to have food in every single room during all their events. Once they explained to us that if we lift the ban they will have 14 conferences and events here per year, we realized we were throwing money out the door by not letting them hold events here. So there you have it. We will also be providing complimentary shofar resistant ear plugs to all hotel guests during Messianic events on site.”

The MJAA is so grateful so have a new home for their annual events and will celebrate by holding three conferences at The Rosen within the next month: The MJAA Southeast Regional Conference December 16-18, The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference January 2-5, and The YMJA ARCH Leadership Summit January 13-16. For more information about the upcoming Messianic conferences held at The Rosen please visit mjaa.org, iamcs.org, and ymja.org

 

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Messianic Woman Feels Absolutely No Pressure to Find Messianic Spouse

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Tampa, FL – 25 year old Rachel Levin, of Shoresh David Messianic Synagogue, recently posted a Facebook update exclaiming how glad she was to feel zero pressure to find a Messianic spouse. She plans to find a nice Christian boy someday and is so grateful that she is free to do just that.

“I’m so thankful that I’m part of a community that doesn’t care at all who or when I marry,” the Facebook post stated. “Nobody will ever try to set me up with someone or get upset when I find a boyfriend who isn’t Messianic. Especially the old Bubbes in my congregation, and there are certainly a lot of them. I can get married to someone who has never even met a Jewish person before and eats ham and has a Christmas tree and doesn’t even want our children to be Jewish and it will be okay, because nobody will stick their nose in our business. I am just so blessed. Thank you to the entire Messianic Community for never trying to find me a spouse at a conference or telling me you have a friend who has a friend who knows someone Messianic who would be a great husband for me. Just thank you for not caring at all who I wind up with. Just thank you.”

Rachel is just one of many young Messianics who will never have to worry about being set up with someone just because they’re Messianic, because that’s not how we play in Messianic Judaism. We are all free to marry whomever we want and there is no pressure to find a spouse ASAP. Thank you, Messianic culture, for a pressure free love life, or lack thereof. You are the best.

 

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