Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Roll Out New Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers

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Dallas, TX – It was announced this week that Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue in Dallas would be producing new pumpkin spice flavored communion wafers, just in time for the fall season. The new wafers don’t pair particularly well with grape juice, but they do pair well with current trends in the first world.

“We want to make sure we are keeping up with nationwide trends so that we can stay relevant,” said Rabbi Ari Waldman of Baruch HaShem. Waldman, who is currently pulling double duty as the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance, as well as the head coach of The Dallas Brisket, said the idea came to him in a pumpkin spice latte induced dream late last year. “We don’t actually have fall weather here in Dallas, but we like to pretend that we do. The best way to do that is to just binge on pumpkin spice everything. Something about doing that just makes the air feel a little more crisp than the 75º that it normally is.”

The new communion wafers will be produced and distributed in conjunction with the Gateway Church Jewish Ministry and will be available starting Monday, August 29th via both Gateway Church and the Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue Judaica Shop. The wafers will be available both online and in person and can be purchased in bulk by any church or synagogue wanting to spice up their communion service. Literally.

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High School Student Comes to Faith After Finding Pokémon GO Gym at Local Messianic Congregation

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Prospect Heights, IL – 16 year old Jesse Hoffman wandered into a Pokémon GO Gym at Olive Tree Congregation in Prospect Heights, IL earlier this week and walked out with a new friend named Yeshua. The junior in high school says he was just trying to chase after a Charizard and wasn’t expecting to find The Messiah in the process.

Congregational Leader, Dan Strull, says, “Jesse came to Olive Tree to find a Char…what is it? Well anyway, he thought he was trying to win a game, but we are trying to win hearts for Yeshua and I think that’s what we have done here today. Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you what the game is about, I just know we have droves of high school and college kids coming to a building they wouldn’t normally enter and they’re leaving with a new fire in their hearts that you can’t put a price on.”

Many churches and Messianic congregations across the country are adding Pokémon GO gyms and Pokéstops as an outreach to attract non believers who wouldn’t feel like they had a reason to be there otherwise. Hoffman says it was a great idea, because he was able to get his Charizard, as well as a Snorlax, a bunch of free food, his first bible, and a T-shirt that says, “I went to the Olive Tree Congregation Pokémon GO Gym and all I got was SAVED!”

For more information on what Jesus would do with a Pikachu, please visit your local Messianic Pokéstop or contact info@ymja.org

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Uber to Start Delivering Bibles

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San Francisco, CA – The taxi alternative company, Uber, announced this week it would start delivering bibles to Atheists during their lunch breaks from work. What started as a service to transport people, more recently began transporting puppies and pizza as well. Now in a partnership with Kirk Cameron and Gideons International, Uber will be able to bring scripture to those in need.

“We want to make sure that everyone knows we’re more than just a transportation company; we’re an innovative 21st century company for the people!” Uber CEO, Travis Kalanick, said in a recent interview. “People need a ride somewhere, but they also need puppies and food delivered to them. So we had to think, what else can we bring to our customers? Maybe something they didn’t even know they needed. And that’s when Kirk [Cameron] said we need to just throw bibles at people while they’re trying to eat lunch. The man is brilliant!”

Uber will begin delivering bibles on Monday, August 29th in the form of the NIV, the NKJV, and The Message, as well as the abbreviated pocket sized Gideon bibles that will include only the New Testament plus Proverbs and Psalms. Bibles will be available to order via the Uber app in addition to being dropped off for unsuspecting Atheists. When asked how he came up with the idea, Cameron stated, “One day I just had a revelation…”

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Romans 11:17

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Matthew 5:17-18

Brews for Jesus Acquires Starbucks in $10.5 Billion Deal

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San Francisco, CA – Brews for Jesus, a division of Jews for Jesus, acquired Starbucks this week in an astonishing $10.5 billion dollar deal. Jews for Jesus, an outreach to Jewish non believers, is constantly striving to think outside of the box to share The Gospel and has found that cold brew coffee is one of the most effective ways to do just that.

Since 2014, Jews for Jesus has been giving complimentary cups of coffee as part of their outreaches. “We’ve been testing out the cafe concept in our Sydney, Australia branch and it’s been very successful, so we knew we were ready for the big time,” said David Brickner, Executive Director of Jews for Jesus. “However, at the end of the day we are still a non profit organization and we knew we just didn’t have the funds that Starbucks would require from us to make this acquisition happen, so we had a 60 day prayer campaign leading up to the meeting. Steve Katz, who is the North American Director of Jews for Jesus, and I walked into the meeting with Howard Schultz, the Chairman and CEO of Starbucks and Kevin Johnson, the President and COO of Starbucks. We asked them what they were for and they both just started bawling and handed us the company at a huge discount. We are so grateful that we’ll be able to reach so many more non believing coffee loving Jewish people through this ministry. And just for the record, we do plan to keep all of your favorite drinks, just with different names. Keep your eyes peeled for the Lai Lai Latte, the Messianic Mocha, and the Strawberry Sortie.”

The acquisition should be complete by the end of fourth quarter 2016. No word yet on what will happen to Starbucks’ other concepts, such as Teavana and Evolution Fresh Juice, though Brickner did hint at big plans for those brands as well.

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