Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | MJAA Discovers Joel Osteen’s Name Really Joel Ostein And He is Jewish!

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David and Joel Chernoff and the entire leadership of the MJAA-ROI is ecstatic to announce the discovery that Joel Osteen is really a Jew named Joel Ostein.

He will be speaking at next year’s Messiah Conference on the subject, “Shekels From Yeshua: Riches from the Ruach.”

When recently interviewed by MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, Ostein, who now goes by the name ‘Yoel,’ affirmed his Jewish roots. “Yes, I always sensed I was Jewish. At our church, whenever we took an offering, I felt an anointing fall upon me. After all, we all know how good our people are with money!” At that, Ostein smiled and the glare from his teeth caused six people nearby to have an out of the body experience.

Ostein’s wife, Victoria also feels sure she is Jewish, and is now longer going by Victoria, but rather Nitzachonia. “Yes, I feel Jewish too,” she said. In fact, I have contacted the Crouch family so I might use the wigs Jan left behind when she ascended to the Kavod of Adonai. Now that I have discovered my Jewish roots, I need a sheitel so I can be a modest wife for my husband, rabbi Yoel.”

Ostein is delighted with his newfound niche.  “I am proud to be a genuine Jew,” he said. “So much so that I am having each of my jets outfitted with tzit tzit hanging from the wings.”

Final arrangements are also being made to change his congregation’s name from Lakewoood Church to K’nisiyah Etz HaYam.  “It will take some getting used to,” Ostein admits, “but Nitzchona and I are going to work hard at bringing along the mishpocka.”

Ostein is still learning how to pronounce Hebrw terms. But for the time being, mishpocha will have to be mishpocka. “Look,” he said, “It took us eight months to get from Joel to Yo’el. Give us time.”

He again flashed the smile, causing three nearby cars to collide. Explaining the phenomenon he added, “Look, the joy of The Lord is my strength. But for some people, I guess it’s just too strong!”

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Movement in Crisis Due to Outbreak of Lashon HaTov Virus

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Doctors and rabbinical authorities conferred long into the night at the recent UMJC Midyear Leadership Meeting in Richardson, Texas due to an unprecedented outbreak of the Lashon HaTov (roughly, Good Speech) Virus.

Participants grew uneasy as it gradually become apparent they had lost the capacity to make patronizing comments, veiled criticism, and sarcastic barbs about other Messianic Jews present or absent from the meeting.

Try as they might, long-term bad-mouthers found themselves unable to speak disparagingly even of shofar blowing pseudo-Hasidim, or of others festooned in day glow talleisim, or of the intellectual crowd normally dismissed as too high up the mountain to do anyone any good.  Someone tried to click his tongue at the mention of Mark Kinzer’s name and found his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Those who sought to criticize Jews for Jesus, Tikkun, MJTI, or CJF Ministries (formerly known as the Christian Jew Foundation) found themselves unable to do so. “That’s when panic set in,” reported Monique Brumbach, Executive Director of the Union. “I even saw someone walk up to David Chernoff of the MJAA and tearfully apologize that he couldn’t make any innuendo-laden comments this year.

Even damning with faint praise proved impossible, and the outbreak grew so severe that conference attendees returned trembling to their rooms, many of them choosing to lie down in the hopes the affliction would pass.

The next morning, Russ Resnik was reassuring everyone at breakfast, “This too shall pass!” Someone at the far end of the room shouted out, “You’re an idiot, Resnik!”  After a pause, people started laughing. It was the laughter of relief. Indeed, things were getting back to normal.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Outbreak of Mosh Pit and Crowd Surfing at Latest UMJC Leadership Enrichment

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Richardson, TX – At the UMJC Leadership Enrichment meetings this week, Rabbi Dr. Michael Schiffman and his colleagues decided to take a break from hitting the cigars and go listen to the UMJC Rabbis’ band. “Something compelled me to go and hear them this year. Not sure what it was though,” Schiffman explained. “Usually their set isn’t exciting, not that interesting, and it’s the same old same old songs every single year that we hear in our congregations every week. But something told me this year would be different…”

What Schiffman found was one of the most fun nights of his life.

The whole UMJCY and UMJC20s, who were also invited to the meetings, led by Rabbi Kirk Gliebe, decided to storm the Hilton Doubletree Ballroom to hear their Rabbis play in a band.  The band, an annual UMJC tradition, comprised of Rabbi Rich Nichol on trombone and flute, Rabbi Nathan Joiner on Trumpet, Rabbi Tony Eaton on acoustic guitar, Rabbi Ben Eherenfeld on electric guitar, Rabbi Stuart Dauermann on the keyboard, Rabbi Barney Kasdan on bass, and Rabbi Howard Silverman on drums. The setlist included hits like “Come Let Us Go Down,” “The Trees of the Field Are Barking,” and even “It Is Average.”

In fact, Kirk started a mosh pit right in front of the mini-stage. “The band was  unbelievable!” explained Gliebe. “I thought starting a mosh pit wouldn’t actually work with our young people, but who knew it would be such a raging success indeed! It indeed felt like I was really going full forward for Messiah!”

A raging success it was indeed, as Rabbi Stuart Dauermann took a full-fledged stage dive off the mini-stage. “I felt The Ruach descending so heavily on that stage, and I trusted the hands of our capable young people,” said Dauermann. “Why not take the dive?”

The Meow caught up with one of the young people involved with the UMJCY, Yosef HaShmo from the crowd.  He attends Congregation Shaarei HaShamayim in Long Island, NY and just so happened to be at the Leadership Enrichment Meetings. “Dude, they were amazing,” said HaShmo, who was directly involved with the mosh pit. “When I heard those shofar blasts, something in my soul just burst out into excitement. I hope to be as cool as those guys one day when I grow up!”

For more on the fun opportunities at UMJC conferences and meetings, visit www.umjc.org

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Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | Congregant’s Vacation Leaves Synagogue in Chaos

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Colorado Springs, CO – Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth David, was left reeling this weekend when long-time member Samuel Weinberg took a rare vacation to attend a family reunion in California, sources report.

“I had no idea,” said dance leader Rebekah Morris. “In the back of my mind I always knew Sam did a lot behind the scenes, but I guess I never realized just how crucial he was until that horrible service.”

According to those who attended the service, the trouble was apparent from the moment congregants entered the sanctuary. “I didn’t even know they take the chairs down during the week,” said Stu Weiss, one of the first members to arrive. “But apparently they do, because whoever put them back out didn’t have the first clue what they were doing. There was this one huge section – each row must have been about 12 chairs long, and one end of it was against the wall, so the people on the far end had no easy way out. And the other section was facing the complete wrong way, so you had to crane your neck to see the bimah. It was awful.”

By all accounts, things only deteriorated further once the service started.  The projector malfunctioned, and without Sam to fix it, the praise and worship service became a muddled mess as people struggled to sing along to the upside-down slides. The Torah service then ground to a halt as Rabbi Michael Rosenthal was forced to spend about 15 minutes rolling the scroll to the right passage. During that time, the children who had been dismissed minutes earlier, came back into the sanctuary, informing their parents that the Shabbat school room was locked and there was no teacher. And at the after-service oneg, everyone was dismayed to learn that the delicious chili, normally the highlight of the meal, was yet another of Sam’s unsung contributions.

“All I can say is, I’m never coming to another service if Sam isn’t here,” said Morris. “That mess with the projector threw off the praise and worship so badly that the songs were just about impossible to dance to. I nearly twisted my ankle. I swear, never again.” Her sentiments were echoed by several other members, all of whom had their own mishaps to recount.

“I got stuck in one of the giant rows, on the end up against the wall,” complained Marty Stein. “I had to go to the bathroom for half the service, but getting out of there would have been way too disruptive. By the time the service was over I thought I was going to explode.”

“My kids can’t sit still through one of Rabbi Rosenthal’s messages,” said Cathy Meyer. “We tried to tough it out, but five minutes after they came back up they started throwing a fit, so we had to leave early. At the time I was really upset that I wouldn’t get any of that wonderful chili they always have at the oneg, but from what I hear I guess that turned out not to be the biggest issue anyway.”

At press time, the Rabbi, staff and congregants were in the midst of an emergency prayer meeting, praying urgently for the swift and safe return of Mr. Weinberg.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Dr. Greg Silverman to Conduct Yeshualand Philharmonic Orchestra

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Arizona, Murca – With the unveiling of Yeshualand Arizona, home state of the headquarters of President Jonathan Bernis’ Jewish Voice Ministries International (JVMI), some big things are happening, including the creation of a full-size Messianic Philharmonic Orchestra, The Yeshualand Players, who will perform at the grand opening of both the upcoming Arizona and Seattle locations.

The instrumentation of the Yeshualand Players Ensemble includes a 54-piece shofar section of different shapes, forms and sizes, a 128-piece tambourine section, and even 18 flag wavers and dancers.

Dr. Greg Silverman will be conducting the Yeshualand Players, and Rabbi Rich Nichol will be featured on jazz flute, soaring on top of the beautiful orchestra.  We had a chance to catch up with both of them.

“I’m overjoyed to be playing with these cats,” says Nichol, who’s always looking for a good opportunity to use his excellent music skills. “Not only will we be in a beautiful location for a good cause, it’ll just be a great time to play with the boys in the band. It’ll be a different sound – shofars and flute – and tambourines. Wow. Let’s hope we can keep the beat and stay on the ball with Dr. Greg.”

Dr. Greg couldn’t agree more. “This is a big step our Movement has never seen in its history. A Philharmonic orchestra! How amazing!!”

Says President Bernis, who will be joining the ensemble on Bass Shofar, “Our movement is getting ready to hear a joyful noise it has never heard before. Get those groggers ready. If the debut goes well, we’re taking this on the road. Look out, Messiah ’17; The Yeshualand Players are ready for you!”

As always, Manna Recording will be there to make sure CDs will be available of these performances. They can be purchased on site or at www.jewishvoice.org. For more information on Dr. Greg Silverman, visit www.gregsilverman.com and Rich Nichol visit www.ruachisrael.org

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Hold New Reality Show to Find Their Next Rabbi

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Las Vegas, NV – Lev HaShem Messianic Synagogue of Las Vegas is pleased to announce their new Internet Reality show “Lev Hashem’s Next Rabbi.”

“We have been without a spiritual leader for over a year and a half now. What better way to choose a replacement, than through a competition show?” Says Karen Gloyd, of the Lev HaShem board.

15 possible Rabbis will compete weekly in different events, such as “Speed Torah Scrolling,” “Best Drash in under 20 minutes,” and “Congregational Referee.”

Each week the Rabbis will be scored by celebrity judges, including Matt Rosenberg, Jonathan Bernis, John Tesh, Paul Wilbur, and the leader of the Real Complete Jewish Synagogue, Joel Liberman. Each week one Rabbi will be eliminated in a gripping “Kippah Ceremony.”

The winner of the competition will win a one year contract with Lev HaShem, a trip to Yeshualand for their whole family, and a copy of the new Messianic version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street.”

Celebrity Host for the show will be Sharon Wilbur of The Havdalah Spice Girls.

For more information on the search for the new Rabbi, please visit www.levhashem.org

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Vine of David Publishes New Emoji Talmud

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Marshfield, MO  – First Fruits of Zion, a Messianic teaching ministry, decided to make a big announcement that was a long time coming….in fact eighteen years in the works!

“Millennials are having trouble understanding big English words,” concluded First Fruits of Zion director, Boaz Michael. “Words like ‘advertisement’ are hard for them to understand, no less ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ or ‘epistemology’ for instance. So reaching millennials for Messiah Yeshua through big words is not going to happen. Also, learning big words in a new language is quite challenging…. Hebrew is no walk in the park for about 97% of the Messianic movement.  That’s why they’re relying on Yeshualand amusement parks for their kicks and giggles. For the remaining 3% of those who can understand Hebrew, well, they’re something else. This has nothing to do with the monster that we call the Messianic Gentile…”

Michael and his team took much time in deliberation on how to reach more young people. “We thought, and we thought, and we thought” said Aaron Eby, a writer for First Fruits of Zion. “ We were thinking about a TV show, but then we realized, we already have one. Then we thought…..hmmmm how about a club, a cool spot for all of them youngins to learn the Torah that’s hip? No, that already exists in our Torah Club series. Then how about a Torah learning center in the heart of Jerusalem? Nope. Got that too. Next…”

“What we came up with is this: How ‘bout an emoji version of the Talmud?” said First Fruits educator, Daniel Thomas Lancaster. “After all, no big words. Young people won’t have to read English OR Hebrew. They’ll just learn Judaism 101 through pictures! Brilliantly genius!!”

Young people are getting excited to see this new version of the Talmud. “I’m always on my iPhone. I just frankly don’t like to sit down and read books,” said Or Lishmor, a Boston native. “Now I’m so stoked to learn about Judaism in a gripping fashion. Who knew Messianics are so cool??” Feivel Feldmanstein, a fifteen year old Messianic teen from Temple Aron HaKodesh in Ft. Lauderdale couldn’t agree more. “Hebrew has been a constant struggle for me. So much so, that in my Hebrew school, I’ve been noted saying, ‘The Struggle is Real…with Hebrew.’ Now I’m gonna show this new Talmud to my buddies!”

Rabbis are getting excited as well. “What we noticed is that Hebrew literacy is declining,” said Rabbi Reuben Robenstein, congregational leader of Adat HaTorah Chaim in Sticksville, Georgia. “We want our young people to understand the beauty of Torah! Who knows, maybe they’ll come to the Congregation of the Living Torah one day?”

The release is expected within the first part of 2017. See http://ffoz.org/ for more information.

 

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Guest Post by Yossi Wilson | World’s First Messianic Jewish Board Game in Development

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Atlanta, GA – In an early morning press conference, a new company called MessyAntic Games announced that they are creating the world’s first Messianic Jewish board game, which they hope to release early next summer. Company founder, Jeremiah Cohen, called it, “A new, distinctly Messianic twist on a modern classic.”

The game, called Settlers of Grantham, is heavily based on the German mega-hit Settlers of Catan. The name comes from the Pennsylvania town, in which the annual Messiah Conference, the setting of the game, takes place. The game board is made up of tiles representing the various buildings and landmarks of Messiah College. These tiles can be laid out in an accurate representation of the campus (a layout guide is included, in case, by freak happenstance, none of the players can recreate it from memory), or they can be placed in any other randomized configuration the players wish.

Gameplay itself will be more or less the same as Catan. Players take on the role of first-time Messiah Conference attendees, working to collect valuable resources, such as Lamb T-shirts, Paul Wilbur albums, and Tree of Life Version Bibles. Players can then trade and use these resources to expand their networks – building connections, conversations, and friendships, which function much the same as the equivalent roads, settlements, and cities of the original game. They can also use their resources to pick up event cards, which range from relatively common events like “YMJA Dress Code Violation,” “Attend Dance Class,” and “Meet A Rabbi,” to rare and powerful ones like “Healthy Meal” and “Sleep.” As players build and expand, they accumulate points. Once a player reaches 10 points, everyone reveals any hidden points they may have (from certain event cards such as “Consider Making Aliyah”), and whoever has the highest total score is determined to have found their future spouse and, therefore, won the game.

To anyone who’s played Catan, all of this probably sounds more than a bit familiar. But despite the apparent similarities, Cohen was adamant that this is no mere knock-off. “Well, obviously it’s based on Catan, so there are bound to be some comparisons there,” he said. “But we’ve also gone to great lengths to give our game a unique Messianic feel. For one thing, we’ve replaced the two dice for generating resources with a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted dreidels, providing an elegant system, which is firmly rooted in Jewish tradition. Also, unlike the robber, the Anti-Missionary’s negative effects can be reduced if you can provide a scriptural refutation of his arguments. Plus we’ve got a number of event cards that are completely unlike anything from Catan’s development deck. The ‘Break Curfew’ card, for example, simulates the risk factor of such an action by using a dreidel to determine what benefit or penalty the player receives.”

Pre-orders for the game are slated to begin in early spring, and Cohen says they hope to have the game ready and available for purchase at Messiah Conference 2017. He also assured us that the company has been brainstorming ideas for more games in the future. Those ideas range from Messianic versions of other essential Eurogames like Ticket To Ride and Carcassonne to entirely original projects with promising titles like Aliyah! and Davidic Dance Melee. Will these games become staples of the Messianic movement, or will they wallow in obscurity? Only time will tell, but for now, the odds for success seem far better than a roll of the dice – or, more fittingly, a spin of the dreidel.

 

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