Guest Post by Hannah Wunder | How to be a Basic Kvetch: Messianic Edition

Basic Kvetch

The Torah, consisting of five books, is the basics of the Bible. Like the Bible, the Basic Kvetch has to have five basic things that solidify her identity as a Basic Kvetch. Don’t be caught at the Synagogue without these five essential things:

1) Tree of Life Version Bible (TLV)

The TLV bible is the new “King James.” Created by The Messianic Jewish Family Bible Society, the Basic Kvetch should never be caught reading any other translation. Don’t even try to quote some fancy new version of the Bible to another Basic Kvetch at Synagogue; that’s just wrong.

2) Scarf/Head-covering

A light scarf that will be a great head-covering, Shabbat morning, at Synagogue, will show just how holy you are. It also doubles as a great accessory for any Saturday night shenanigans a Basic Kvetch may find herself involved in.

3) Long “Twirl” Skirt

Every Basic Kvetch knows that, “The longer the skirt, the longer you’ve been in the movement.” Make sure it twirls to make your Davidic dancing extra special for any onlookers (AKA potential husbands).

4) Big Purse/Bag

Keep everything you need to go from Synagogue Saturday morning to your Synagogue crush’s family’s house for Havdalah (or possibly those shenanigans we talked about earlier). A Basic Kvetch is always prepared for any situation that might present itself.

5) Crock Pot

Lastly, every Basic Kvetch knows to make sure she brings her best recipe for Oneg in her personal slow cooker. It shows potential mates just how good of a homemaker a Basic Kvetch really can be.

Now that you know the five essential items to have, don’t ever be caught without them; It could be detrimental to your future as a wife, and, most importantly, a Basic Kvetch.

 

 

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Guest Post by Craig Arbour | Dr. Michael Brown Announces 2017 Writing Schedule

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During his hit radio show “The Line of Fire,” noted Messianic Apologist and author, Dr. Michael Brown, apologized for his light 2017 writing schedule.

“I am currently only working on 16 books this year,” said Dr. Brown. I had hoped for more. However, the radio show, my 435 speaking engagements, 23 debates, three Israel tours, my new exercise regimen, and trip to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s son’s wedding is limiting my time.

I will maintain my current goal of 365-700 articles, published on various websites.

When asked for comment about Dr. Michael Brown’s schedule, Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif was quoted as saying, “Not everyone can keep up.”

For more Information on Dr. Michael Brown visit www.askdrbrown.org

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Rabbi Falls Into Heresy

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Elder Hezekiah Hawkins, on behalf of the synagogue board, has reported that Rabbi Leslie Horowitz of Sometimes You Just Gotta Dance Messianic Congregation in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, has been temporarily removed from his pulpit after falling into heresy.

“Yes, it pained us to do so. Rabbi Horowitz has been with us for eighteen years now, and we all love him. But we found he crossed a boundary we could not tolerate.  As my wife, Amanda, reminded me, ‘ Above all, we must protect God’s sheep.’”

Rabbi Horowitz, a graduate of Rhema and Ruach Bible School, began to show his first signs of deviance about three months ago. “Yes, that was when it started to happen. At first we thought it was an oversight. Soon it was clear that it was deliberate. Then we had no choice: we just had to take action.”

When representatives of The Messianic Meow pressed Elder Hawkins for details, he at first refused to disclose them. “It’s a private matter,” he said; “Very private.”

However, when reminded that the Elder Board’s responsibility to protect God’s sheep extends beyond their own congregation, Hawkins relented. “Yes, I can see that we have to protect others from this damnable heresy, this doctrine of demons, this curse upon God’s people.”

“Okay. With the help of God, I will tell you what he did.” His voice dropped to a whisper, and with trembling lips he disclosed his horrible secret:

“The Rabbi stopped taking offerings.”

This was all Hawkins could say. What followed was little more than inarticulate sobbing.

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | MJAA Discovers Joel Osteen’s Name Really Joel Ostein And He is Jewish!

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David and Joel Chernoff and the entire leadership of the MJAA-ROI is ecstatic to announce the discovery that Joel Osteen is really a Jew named Joel Ostein.

He will be speaking at next year’s Messiah Conference on the subject, “Shekels From Yeshua: Riches from the Ruach.”

When recently interviewed by MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, Ostein, who now goes by the name ‘Yoel,’ affirmed his Jewish roots. “Yes, I always sensed I was Jewish. At our church, whenever we took an offering, I felt an anointing fall upon me. After all, we all know how good our people are with money!” At that, Ostein smiled and the glare from his teeth caused six people nearby to have an out of the body experience.

Ostein’s wife, Victoria also feels sure she is Jewish, and is now longer going by Victoria, but rather Nitzachonia. “Yes, I feel Jewish too,” she said. In fact, I have contacted the Crouch family so I might use the wigs Jan left behind when she ascended to the Kavod of Adonai. Now that I have discovered my Jewish roots, I need a sheitel so I can be a modest wife for my husband, rabbi Yoel.”

Ostein is delighted with his newfound niche.  “I am proud to be a genuine Jew,” he said. “So much so that I am having each of my jets outfitted with tzit tzit hanging from the wings.”

Final arrangements are also being made to change his congregation’s name from Lakewoood Church to K’nisiyah Etz HaYam.  “It will take some getting used to,” Ostein admits, “but Nitzchona and I are going to work hard at bringing along the mishpocka.”

Ostein is still learning how to pronounce Hebrw terms. But for the time being, mishpocha will have to be mishpocka. “Look,” he said, “It took us eight months to get from Joel to Yo’el. Give us time.”

He again flashed the smile, causing three nearby cars to collide. Explaining the phenomenon he added, “Look, the joy of The Lord is my strength. But for some people, I guess it’s just too strong!”

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Movement in Crisis Due to Outbreak of Lashon HaTov Virus

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Doctors and rabbinical authorities conferred long into the night at the recent UMJC Midyear Leadership Meeting in Richardson, Texas due to an unprecedented outbreak of the Lashon HaTov (roughly, Good Speech) Virus.

Participants grew uneasy as it gradually become apparent they had lost the capacity to make patronizing comments, veiled criticism, and sarcastic barbs about other Messianic Jews present or absent from the meeting.

Try as they might, long-term bad-mouthers found themselves unable to speak disparagingly even of shofar blowing pseudo-Hasidim, or of others festooned in day glow talleisim, or of the intellectual crowd normally dismissed as too high up the mountain to do anyone any good.  Someone tried to click his tongue at the mention of Mark Kinzer’s name and found his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Those who sought to criticize Jews for Jesus, Tikkun, MJTI, or CJF Ministries (formerly known as the Christian Jew Foundation) found themselves unable to do so. “That’s when panic set in,” reported Monique Brumbach, Executive Director of the Union. “I even saw someone walk up to David Chernoff of the MJAA and tearfully apologize that he couldn’t make any innuendo-laden comments this year.

Even damning with faint praise proved impossible, and the outbreak grew so severe that conference attendees returned trembling to their rooms, many of them choosing to lie down in the hopes the affliction would pass.

The next morning, Russ Resnik was reassuring everyone at breakfast, “This too shall pass!” Someone at the far end of the room shouted out, “You’re an idiot, Resnik!”  After a pause, people started laughing. It was the laughter of relief. Indeed, things were getting back to normal.

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Outbreak of Mosh Pit and Crowd Surfing at Latest UMJC Leadership Enrichment

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Richardson, TX – At the UMJC Leadership Enrichment meetings this week, Rabbi Dr. Michael Schiffman and his colleagues decided to take a break from hitting the cigars and go listen to the UMJC Rabbis’ band. “Something compelled me to go and hear them this year. Not sure what it was though,” Schiffman explained. “Usually their set isn’t exciting, not that interesting, and it’s the same old same old songs every single year that we hear in our congregations every week. But something told me this year would be different…”

What Schiffman found was one of the most fun nights of his life.

The whole UMJCY and UMJC20s, who were also invited to the meetings, led by Rabbi Kirk Gliebe, decided to storm the Hilton Doubletree Ballroom to hear their Rabbis play in a band.  The band, an annual UMJC tradition, comprised of Rabbi Rich Nichol on trombone and flute, Rabbi Nathan Joiner on Trumpet, Rabbi Tony Eaton on acoustic guitar, Rabbi Ben Eherenfeld on electric guitar, Rabbi Stuart Dauermann on the keyboard, Rabbi Barney Kasdan on bass, and Rabbi Howard Silverman on drums. The setlist included hits like “Come Let Us Go Down,” “The Trees of the Field Are Barking,” and even “It Is Average.”

In fact, Kirk started a mosh pit right in front of the mini-stage. “The band was  unbelievable!” explained Gliebe. “I thought starting a mosh pit wouldn’t actually work with our young people, but who knew it would be such a raging success indeed! It indeed felt like I was really going full forward for Messiah!”

A raging success it was indeed, as Rabbi Stuart Dauermann took a full-fledged stage dive off the mini-stage. “I felt The Ruach descending so heavily on that stage, and I trusted the hands of our capable young people,” said Dauermann. “Why not take the dive?”

The Meow caught up with one of the young people involved with the UMJCY, Yosef HaShmo from the crowd.  He attends Congregation Shaarei HaShamayim in Long Island, NY and just so happened to be at the Leadership Enrichment Meetings. “Dude, they were amazing,” said HaShmo, who was directly involved with the mosh pit. “When I heard those shofar blasts, something in my soul just burst out into excitement. I hope to be as cool as those guys one day when I grow up!”

For more on the fun opportunities at UMJC conferences and meetings, visit www.umjc.org

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