Category Archives: Jewish Culture

Jonathan Bernis Confirms Second Yeshualand Location Will Be in Arizona

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Phoenix, AZ – After much speculation about the new Messianic Jewish theme park Yeshualand potentially opening a location near Phoenix, Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International has confirmed that there will, in fact, be a Yeshualand location opening in Arizona, just in time for holiday vacations in December.

After months of searching, Bernis says they were finally able to secure nearly 400 acres of land about an hour outside of Phoenix. In addition to all the great features of Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona will have new rides and attractions, including The Mikveh Machine, a quicksand pit, The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o, and a giant lego firewalk.

The theme park will also have extra stages and a campground in the hopes that AMF 2.0 will choose to hold their event there, as they can technically hold it in Arizona and still be called “AMF.” At the very least, Bernis hopes The Havdalah Spice Girls will have a residency at the park. Bernis said the campground will also be a haven for travelers during Sukkot, starting in 2017, and said those wishing to build their Sukkahs there will get a special discount, in addition to a Sukkah building contest and other fun activities specific to the holiday.

Additionally, there will also be a one of a kind bible themed McDonald’s that will offer such items as Jonah and the Filet-O-Fish, Adam’s McBeefRib, the McYeshua, and the Big Maccabee. Bernis believes that having The Golden Arches on premises will attract the annual Golden ARCH Leadership Summit to Arizona, rather than holding the event at the ever unpopular Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando.

Annual passes to Yeshualand Arizona will be available to the public starting in November and will start at $1800 per family up to six; quite a metziah! Stay tuned for more information about Yeshualand Arizona and other locations to come.

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Tekiah Gedolah

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Lobster for Dinner

Romans 11:17, Leviticus 11

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LOLKATZ

Exposé: Closet-Messianic Celebrities Outed by Big Mouthed Members of the Community

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Bob Dylan, Lynda Carter, Glen Campbell, Gabby Douglas, Justin Bieber. None of these people are actually Messianic…or are they??

The rumors have flown throughout the Messianic Movement for years. “So and so came to my congregation with their girlfriend, grandmother, etc.” “I met them!” “My cousin’s Father’s next door neighbor’s sister’s dog sat next to them at Shul.” Blah blah blah.

But what is the truth? The Messianic Meow investigates:

Wikipedia has confirmed that Glen Campbell considers himself to be Messianic.

Stacy Goebbel of Beth Messiah Columbus confirms that Gabby Douglas has been to her congregation on more than one occasion.

Googling Lynda Carter has confirmed that she attends or at least previously attended a Messianic Congregation at one point.

Justin Bieber has a tattoo in Hebrew that says “Yeshua,” but really, do we even want him?? 😛

And Bob Dylan…well, every single Baby Boomer Messianic has done drugs with Bob Dylan before they became a believer, including the late David Ben-Gurion. Or so they say.

Each of these celebrities probably just wants to be left alone to live their life, but will that happen? Well, my friends, they’ve chosen to be part of the wrong culture if they don’t want word to get around faster than Usain Bolt finds new Brazilian girlfriends.

Of course we’d love to claim them all as our own, but if they really wanted that, we wouldn’t have to dig. We’ve definitely got Shae Wilbur and Avi Kaplan of Pentatonix, so let’s worry about more important things, like what kind of spread will be at Oneg on Saturday.

Until next time, this has been The Messianic Meow Investigates.

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Chinese food on Christmas

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Gentiles Keep Torah

Romans 11:17

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Kosher Laws

Matthew 5:17-18

Diaspora Adds Extra Day to Shabbat ‘Just to Make Sure It’s Over’

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Murca – It was announced this week by the Jewish Association of Partisan Synagogues (JAPS) that Shabbat shall now be observed for two days instead of one. The JAPS had their bi-annual meeting this year and decided the best thing for JAPS everywhere was to have two days in a row of no work every week, you know…just in case Shabbat is actually still going on in Israel.

“JAPS love Shabbat because it’s a day when we don’t have to do any work,” stated Marcie Shmulovitz, Head of JAPS. “Any excuse to not do work should be dragged on as long as possible. I mean…uhhh…the other holidays have an extra day in America, so why not add Shabbat to that list? You know…just to make it consistent. Besides, it’s really unfair to those who have to work in establishments that are open seven days a week; you’ll never get a real weekend. I work 15 hours a week and sometimes I even have to work two days in a row. It’s really tiring.”

JAPS across the country will be taking an extra day off every week to ensure they can go get their nails done, or just sit by the pool and relax…to stand in solidarity of Shabbat observances in Israel…yeah…that’s it. Please speak to your local Rabbi about how you can be part of the JAPS community and have an extra day of Shabbat!