We asked a sample of 96 Messianic Rabbis what their favorite way to spend embezzled congregational funds is, and these were the top 10 most common answers:
10) Pay for a pickleball membership
9) Buy your youth leader a brand new kitchen floor
8) Pay off the police when they come looking for you
7) Pay off your whistleblowers
6) Buy a hooker
5) Buy four hookers
4) Go on an Ayahuasca retreat
3) Run for local office
2) Donate to Trump’s campaign for re-election
1) Cover legal fees for someone being deported from Israel for lying to get there in the first place
Colorado Springs, CO — A recent poll published by Christian organization, Focus on the Family, found that lions are considered to be the most sinful animals on the planet. While humans should technically hold that title, some Christian fundamentalists would disagree.
“Of every animal on the entire flat Earth, lions are setting the worst example for our children,” Joy-Dawn N. Myhart, a respondent of the poll, commented. “First of all, they call themselves PRIDES! We all know pride is a sin! Well, at least those of us who know better do! Second of all, they call themselves KINGS, and we all know there’s only one King, and that’s King Jesus! Lions clearly work for the dark one. Just look at the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan is no roll model. He will just lead your children into watching a movie about witchcraft! Do not fall for it! Plus that clip of Kanye Kardashian’s daughter, North by Northwest playing Simba in the Lion King is all over the internet right now. That family is certainly working for the devil himself. Case in point!”
The full results for this poll will be available soon. Click here to see a partial list of most sinful animals.
Ever since the violent insurrection at the United States Capitol on January 6th of this year, the MJAA has struggled to formulate a proper response. One source of complication has been the fact that one of the organization’s executive board members, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff, was allegedly among the rioters who entered the Capitol as part of an attempt to overturn the free and fair election of President Joe Biden. Now, even as news spreads throughout the world of Rabbi Stepakoff’s arrest over his alleged actions on that day, an exclusive source on the board has informed The Meow that the MJAA will finally address the issue in the coming days by way of a major change to their ethics policy.
“The MJAA has the utmost respect for the laws of the United States of America, and we take any violation of those laws seriously,” reads an official statement leaked to The Meow, a copy of which will be posted on the MJAA’s website once the new rule has gone into effect. “As such, effective immediately, any board member who engages in more than one attempt to subvert the democracy of this great nation and/or disrupt its duly elected representatives shall be subject to censure and possible removal from the board. Everyone gets one freebie, but that’s it. However, if they use that one up, they have the option to exercise a second one. If they happen to use both within a period of eight years, they can apply for a third, by actually performing the act again. After all, we are living under grace, are we not? Of course, if they do it a fourth or fifth time, well we’ll enact the same process for those incidents as well. Now if they do it a sixth time…well it’s the same story. Basically, we have to instate this policy for one, but really, who are we to enforce that?”
“I think it’s a real game changer,” said our source. “I can’t speak for the rest of the board, but personally, I’m immensely proud of what we’ve accomplished today. From now on, even our most politically outspoken board members will think twice before participating in a second, third, or even fourth effort to forcibly undermine everything this nation was founded on. Instead, they’ll have to content themselves with posting misinformation and conspiracy theories online.”
When pressed on how effective this new reform would be, the source was emphatic. “I can’t possibly think of a stronger deterrent. Sure, it technically provides no consequences for anything he’s already done, and it gives everyone else multiple freebies, but I think it’s only fair that we all have the chance to be on equal footing. Besides, when a policy is so clearly directed at one particular member, it sends a pretty clear message, and I have to imagine he’s heard that message and learned his lesson. And just to be sure that he doesn’t forget that lesson, we’ve even taken to calling it ‘the Stepakoff Statute.’ Not to his face, of course – that would just be cruel – but I think he gets the point.”
At press time, our source had assured The Meow that the board has no plans to enact a similar limitation regarding false prophecy.
Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.
“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”
Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
messianiccomedy.com 