Category Archives: Holidays

We Asked, You Answered: Messianic Judaism’s Favorite Hamantaschen Flavors

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In conjunction with Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania, The Messianic Meow sent out a survey to Messianic Congregations across the country asking for congregants’ favorite hamantaschen flavors. Now that all the Purim celebrations have concluded, we can share our findings with the public.

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“I can’t get enough of that Gefilte Fish hamantaschen. Sadly, there’s only one bakery, about an hour away, that carries it. Not as good as Bubbe used to make, but I’ll takes what I can gets.” – Morty Greenstock, Temple Aron HaKodesh, Lauderdale Lakes, FL

“Raspberry, blackberry, boysenberry, snozzberry. I’ll take any kind of berry. Except Barry Manilow. Just kidding, Barry; I love you so much!” – Rivkah Silverstein, City of David Messianic Synagogue, Thornhill, ON, CA

“The worst thing is when you think you are about to eat a delicious prune hamantaschen and you take a bite and it’s CHOCOLATE! Who the heck wants to eat a chocolate hamantaschen? Feh!” – Leah Goldenfarb, Devar Emet Messianic Synagogue, Skokie, IL

“I don’t care so much about the filling, as long as it’s non GMO, gluten free, organic, certified Kosher, dairy free, Whole 30, and has added Omega 3s in it.” – Shirley Liebowitz, Beth Emunah Messianic Synagogue, Agoura Hills, CA

“If you’ve never had poppyseed hamantaschen, then you probably care too much about how the darn thing tastes. Look, it’s not about the flavor, it’s about tradition. If you ask me, poppyseed hamantaschen is the only true hamantaschen. It’s in The Bible or something.” – Milton Friedstein, Shuvah Yisrael Messianic Synagogue, Plainview, NY.

“I’ve never met a hamantaschen I didn’t like, but if I had to choose, I’d say it doesn’t really matter, as long as I can dunk it in my cold press coffee.” – Harry Sapperstein, Beit Tikvah Messianic Congregation, Newcastle, WA

“Have you ever had a Nutella hamantaschen? Me neither, but I’d like to try one.” – Rachel Wellman, Tikvat Israel Messianic Synagogue, Richmond, VA

“I only bake my own hamantaschen. I do what any proper Southern Belle would do; I take a bushel of peaches and I marinate them in Coca Cola overnight, and then I soak them in sweet tea. Goes great with a side of sugar.” – Nancy Mendels, Beth Yeshua International, Macon, GA

“I really hope next year they move this holiday a lot further away from Girl Scout Cookie season; I’m trying to watch my figure.” – Debbie Lowman, Son of David Congregation, Silver Spring, MD

“Give me all the flavors. All of them. Every single one.” – Marvin Pinsky, Beth Messiah Congregation, Columbus, OH

 

 

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Alternative Uses of Tallises for the Disrespectful

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Are you tired of wearing your tallit as a prayer shawl? Feel like you spent too much money on something that has only one use? Not to worry! We, at The Messianic Meow, have compiled a list of ways to disrespectfully get multiple uses out of your favorite holy garment! Mix and match as you please!

 

•Use it as a tablecloth

•Wear it as a scarf

•Use it as swaddling clothes for your newborn

•Wave it like a flag during worship

•Wear it as a turban

•Use it as a sarong at the beach

•Use it as a dish towel

•Use it as a blindfold during games at your child’s birthday party

•Cut into pieces to be used as napkins and placemats at fancy dinner parties

•Hang the fringes in your doorway for people to walk through

•Use it as a smock when you paint (bonus tip: you can paint the tallit itself to make it more decorative!)

•Use it as a bathmat

•Replace your sheets with it

•Use it to cover your couch to keep pet hair from getting all over it

•Cooking pasta sauce? Use it as an apron to prevent your clothes from getting stained!

•Use it to fan out the flames on your Havdalah candle when you run out of grape juice

•Have a side gig as a matador? Use it to taunt the bulls!

•Use it as a tourniquet to prevent someone from bleeding out

•Two words: cloth diaper

•Use it to replace the torn sails on your boat

•Use it in lieu of curtains in your living room, then later take them down to be made into play clothes for your children to frolic in the Austrian countryside

 

 

And don’t worry if you’ve actually done any of these things; Yom Kippur will be here before you know it!

 

 

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Admits to Being Jewish

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North Pole — Unexpected news out of Santa’s Village this week, as his odd-man-out reindeer, Rudolph, announced he is actually Jewish. Despite working for the King of the Gentiles, our beloved red-nosed friend revealed he is actually a member of the tribe. While this comes as a surprise for most, we really should have known all along.

“I didn’t think it was a secret,” Rudolph said in a recent press conference.” The other reindeer were always making fun of my nose, and my last name’s Rudolph, for gosh sakes. Wait, wait…you didn’t actually think the reindeer went by our FIRST names, did you? You actually thought someone would name their child Blizten or Dasher??? We weren’t born in 2018 where the millennials name their kids Abcde. No, my name is Jacob Rudolph. Yeah…see, now it’s not really a shock anymore, is it?”

Some may wonder why Jews would move to the North Pole when they would be in the minority there. Rudolph said his Father was hired by Santa to be his personal combined Lawyer, Accountant, and Doctor when Rudolph was a child; an offer his Father could not refuse. The salary was guaranteed to put food on the table and keep Rudolph’s nose lit for his entire life. Yes, it was tough for the Rudolphs to be the only Jewish family around, but it was worth it just for the endless supply of milk and cookies the family would receive as a thank you from Mr. Claus himself. 

Rudolph said his family was even able to introduce Jewish culture to the Claus family, and Santa enjoyed celebrating Shabbat, and all the other holidays that involve food. Rudolph’s Father also gave Santa some Yiddish lessons. Rudolph said one of his favorite childhood memories was his Father explaining the word “Nudnik” to Claus by telling him not to be a ‘Naked Santa Claus’…a ‘Nude Nick,’ as in St. Nick.

 

 

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Woman Who Used Air Fryer to Make Latkes For Her Friends Says True Miracle of Chanukah is Eating Healthy

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Louisville, KY — 26 year old Morgan Stern of Louisville, KY had a Chanukah party for her friends this past weekend, to celebrate the sixth night of the holiday. Unlike most Chanukah festivities, this one was missing one key ingredient: oil and lots of it.

“It’s so hard to eat healthy during Chanukah,” Stern commented. “Everyone is obsessed with frying things in oil. I don’t really get it. We need to start living a healthier lifestyle, which is why I choose to follow the Whole 30 diet. The least I can do for my friends is help them eat well, even if it’s just for one meal. It’s really a Chanukah miracle that we’re all able to partake in our traditional food without all the extra fat and calories. Isn’t being happy and healthy what Chanukah is all about anyway?”

Sadly Ms. Stern has since been barred from hosting any subsequent Chanukah functions, due to her complete refusal to understand the whole point of what the oil stands for. Remember, kids, you can’t commemorate the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting for eight days without oil. So fry your latkes and your sufganyot and your cheese curds and your jalapeño poppers and your fried chicken in as much oil as you possibly can, and save your Whole 30 for Passover. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

 

 

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BREAKING: Congregation’s Aluminum Sukkah Lost In Light Breeze

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San Francisco, CA – Following a sudden, unexpected light breeze, a search party has been formed to locate Congregation Beth Messiah’s brand new aluminum sukkah, which was last seen tumbling across the synagogue’s parking lot just after the wind began to blow.

“I was walking into the building this morning when this gentle wind picked up,” said Rabbi Michael Cohen. “At first I thought it was rather pleasant, but next thing I knew, I saw our sukkah tumbling end over end across the lot. It was halfway to the street before I even realized what was happening. I tried to run after it, but then the breeze picked up slightly and it blew down the hill and out of sight. I searched a block or so in every direction, but once it became clear that I wasn’t going to find it that way, I started calling our members to assist in the search.”

Within the hour, eight people had shown up to assist in the search, but the first foray turned up no results. “This kind of thing can be really tricky,” said longtime member Jacob Roth. “I’ve got one of those aluminum sukkahs myself. First year I used it, two days in, the wind picked up and the thing just lifted into the air like a box kite. I ended up having to get the ladder to pull it out of a tree. That’s when I learned: if you’re going to use one of these things, you need a good yard and lots of tent pegs. Otherwise, I doubt it’s even worth it.”

According to Rabbi Cohen, Mr. Roth had voiced these concerns to him at the start of the search. “I agree tent pegs would be a great idea if we had anything to drive them into, but we’ve got nothing but a cement parking lot here. Frankly, I’m mostly concerned with finding it right now. Once we’ve got it back here, we’ll worry about how to keep this from happening again.”

At press time, the search radius had been expanded and the search party had been sent out again.

Note: This is a developing story, and will be updated as new information becomes available.

UPDATE 10:23 AM: The sukkah was successfully located half a mile away, upside down and floating in the bay. It has been fished out, dried off and returned to the synagogue. Following a brief debate, it has been tied to their fence to prevent future incidents. 

UPDATE 10:25 AM: Another breeze picked up, and the sukkah was blown over onto its side but otherwise remained in place.

 

 

 

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FREE High Holiday Services!

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The High Holidays are just around the corner now! Remember, no Messianic congregation will ever charge you for admission or tickets to attend a High holiday service. If you need or want help finding a local Messianic congregation, please visit www.messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/ or contact us directly; we are happy to help!

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Chocolate Omer Calendars Now Available in the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop

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Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.

“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”

The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!

 

 

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Jewish Millennial Literally Dies After Finding Out She Can’t Have Kombucha During Passover

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Denver, CO — For most Jews, Passover is a time to reflect on God rescuing our people from slavery in Egypt. Though Passover shares a common theme with all Jewish holidays: they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat. Because of this, Passover revolves around food, and for some, the food we eat during Passover, especially home Seders, has become a big foodie paradise. Unfortunately, first world tragedy struck over the weekend as a young Jew found out the hard way that not all of her favorites belong at a Seder.

“I was so excited to share my homemade Kombucha with everyone at Seder this weekend,” says 27 year old Tamar Schwartz. “It was my first batch that I was going public with. I brought it to Seder and then my Rabbi told me Kombucha isn’t Kosher for Passover…what??? It’s because there’s yeast in it. I literally died when he told me that. Like, I seriously cannot even. Why me??? I worked so hard on making this Kombucha. I understand there’s yeast in it now and we can’t have yeast during Passover, but the nerve of him. Why can’t he just thank me for all my hard work and for actually bringing something to share with everyone? This is just so unfair.”

Sadly, thousands of millennials literally die everyday from first world problems, but the real problem here is thinking that being excited about something trumps the dietary restrictions of our people. Make sure you check every ingredient before making any assumptions. It’s not hard to rise to the occasion.

 

 

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Brief Half-Page Hanukkah Sermon Miraculously Lasts for Eight-Week Message Series

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Philadelphia, PA – The season of Hanukkah may be long past for most of us, but at Congregation Beth Yeshua in Philadelphia the holiday has lasted far longer. This weekend, Rabbi David Chernoff delivered the final installment of a Hanukkah a message series based on a mere half page of notes that seemed as though it would barely last for a single service.

“It truly is a Hanukkah miracle,” said Rabbi David. “I searched through the Word of God for hours, looking for a new message to give during the Hanukkah service. In the end, I was only able to come up with about half a page of notes. I would have considered myself incredibly blessed if I’d been able to make it last 10 minutes, but here we are eight weeks later and I only reached the end this weekend.

The message started out as a rather typical sermon, focused on dedicating your life to the Lord. But a couple of minutes in, witnesses say, something truly remarkable happened. “Shortly after he started,” recalled long-time congregation member Nate Yesner, “he decided to tell a story about a personal experience that vaguely related to the topic at hand. It seemed like a pretty standard Rabbi David tangent at first –- we usually get one or two of them per service. But then, as he was telling the story, it started reminding him of other aspects he wanted to talk about, which led to another tangent, which led to more new elements to the message. He must have run at least 20 minutes late, and he still hadn’t even gotten to the first point on his notes.”

At the end of the service, the Rabbi promised to conclude the message the following week. However, by the time the next Shabbat arrived he had supplemented the scant half page of initial notes with five full pages of addenda, and it quickly became clear that it would take far more than a single service to wrap things up. By the time the message series finally grew to a close this weekend, the annotations had expanded to more than a dozen pages.

“It really is amazing,” said Rabbi David. “To be perfectly honest, I was pretty much running on empty in terms of message ideas. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do after the Hanukkah message. But God took a tiny amount of material, only enough for a single service, and made it last for eight full services until new message ideas could be produced. Even this past weekend, when it looked like I was going to come up a little short with the remaining Hanukkah material, The Lord provided an Eagles Super Bowl victory that I was able to tie in to fill the rest of the time.”

As for what he expects to do for messages now that the series is finally over, Rabbi David says he has a few ideas. “Once I saw that this message was finally wrapping up I started brainstorming, and I think I’ve got a few viable concepts. For now, though, it’s been a while since I spent a service updating everyone on the status of the new building. After that it’ll be time for a Purim message, and if that goes anything like Hanukkah I can ride it straight into Passover.”

 

 

 

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