Popular Texas Grocery Chain H-E-B Changes Name to P-A-L After Global Rise in Antisemitism

San Antonio, TX — A local supermarket chain, now previously known as H-E-B, announced tonight they are changing their name, after a recent rise in antisemitism has caused some negative responses to their well known brand. H-E-B’s Public Relations Representative, Peter McPeterson, gave a press conference tonight on the matter.

“For many years, H-E-B has been confused as a Jewish company, as people think the name is pronounced ‘Heeb,’ short for ‘Hebrew.’ After the events of the past month, tonight, I can say, with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, that we are distancing ourselves from the Hebrews, which is why we have decided to change our name to P-A-L. This doesn’t stand for anything, it just means we are your pal. Unless you’re Jewish, of course. Then we are not your pal. You can go shop at Trader Jew’s. Subsequently, our mascot’s name will also be changing from H-E-Buddy to H-E-Pal, because he is also your pal. Yes that’s what the new name means. We are pals.”

McPeterson said the name change will be effective immediately, with store signage modifications and re-branding happening throughout the week. Gift cards and rewards will still be accepted. A 23 and Me DNA test will be given at the door for anyone wishing to shop there.

Woman with Celiac Disease Afflicts Self on Yom Kippur by Going Hog Wild at Mall Food Court

Basking Ridge, NJ — Last week, Ruthy Levinstein, of the Somerset County Levinsteins, opened her Bible, and saw that The Torah doesn’t actually say to not eat food on Yom Kippur. Instead, Leviticus 23, instructs us to afflict ourselves and deny ourselves, but does not go into specifics of what that entails. Levinstein decided to take matters into her own hands, and observe the Jewish Day of Atonement in an Unorthodox manner…both literally and figuratively.

“I have Celiac Disease,” Levinstein shared in an Instagram story. “Since I’m not supposed to eat, touch, or look at gluten, I decided to indulge myself…out of affliction! I spent my entire day yesterday eating gluten! I went to the mall food court and just cut loose! First I went to McDonald’s and ate an entire day’s worth of calories, but I couldn’t stop there! I was already in too deep. Then I went to Cinnabon for a pecan roll, and then I went to Auntie Anne’s for an original pretzel with no salt. That was followed by a dozen Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch at Taco Bell. After T Bell, I ordered some samosas and garlic naan from Mumbai To Go, and finally orange chicken and cream cheese rangoons from Panda Express. I even hit up Sbarro for some crappy pizza, just because I could! I was starting to feel like Joey Chestnut at this point. I was unstoppable!!! So I swung by Subway for a sub sample, and then I ventured to my favorite out parcel and topped everything off with a slice of French silk pie from Bakers Square. I thought I was finally finished, but, as I was driving away, I noticed an Olive Garden in the distance, and I really needed some breadsticks and fettuccine alfredo! I was like the very hungry caterpillar/Jewterpillar!! And, also, it turns out I have a tape worm. It felt so good emotionally to be able to do this, but I’m definitely paying the price, because I, unsurprisingly, wound up in the hospital! I will be afflicted by this for the next two months, at least. I denied myself my health, so I feel I have fulfilled the requirement of Yom Kippur in The Torah. I also afflicted my bank account, as fast food is anything but cheap these days. Not to mention the hospital bill I’ll be stuck with now. I also kind of wished I had picked higher quality food, but that Quarter Pounder with cheese hits differently when it’s forbidden. I honestly could have done this everyday for a week and still not have eaten all the things I miss, but even recklessness has its limits. Case in point, I’m in the hospital.”

While afflicting yourself comes in many forms, we do not recommend putting your health and or safety in jeopardy to do it.

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Man Repents in Front of Congregation After Murdering Plate of Pasta

Lake of the Ozarks, MO – Shocking news out of Holy Redeemer Church of the Uncrossed Arms in Osage Beach this week, after an altar call prompted a man to publicly confess to murdering his dinner the previous night. When asked if there was anyone present who felt they needed to repent for sinning, congregant, Derek Larter, broke down in tears and and asked to share a confession with his church family.

“It is with a heavy heart, I must admit to everyone that I committed murder last night,” Larter shared with his congregation, via the church’s livestream. “My wife made the most amazing looking spaghetti that I have ever laid eyes on in my life…and I absolutely KILLED that plate of food. And then I did it again. And then once more. I don’t know what came over me. I was completely out of control. Things got out of hand. I allowed sin to take me over, and I am truly sorry…to my wife, to our kids, and to anyone else I may have hurt. I am ashamed of my actions, and I ask forgiveness for my atrocious behavior. I’m grateful Jesus died on the cross for a sinner like me, and I promise I will do everything in my power to seek help and make sure this never happens again. Also, if you ever get a chance to try my wife’s cooking, you should absolutely do it!”

The Elders of Larter’s church have suspended him from the audio visual team for one year, and are requiring him to seek counseling with the Senior Pastor. We will post more on this story as it develops.

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Jewish Person Shocked by Gentile Friend’s Lack of Kleenex Box in Every Room of the House

Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.

“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”

Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.

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Church Men’s Group Excited for Monthly Outing at Satan’s Canyon

Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.

“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”

If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224

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Church Homeschool Co-op Becomes Super Fun and Educational Sweatshop One Afternoon Per Week

Kearney, NE — The homeschool co-op at the First Redeemer Five Square Church in Kearney, NE has come up with a more cost effective way to get urgent projects completed, by making use of skills taught to its young students. While the lack of pay technically makes this a sweatshop, the church seems to be okay with that.

“Our co-op meets one day a week,” Homeschool Mom and Pastor’s Wife, Christie-Rae Carlson, stated on an online Homeschool support forum. “We spend the morning teaching trade skills to the kids, and in the afternoon they complete projects around the church. One week they learned carpentry, and then they made some new pews for our sanctuary expansion. We taught them to sew, and now our pastors don’t have to take their clothes to the tailor anymore! They’ve learned gardening, how to clean the entire building, barista skills for our coffee shop, we’ve got a farm on the property, and they learned how to butcher a cow so they can run our upcoming church butcher shop. We learned about plumbing the week the toilets all got clogged. And next week we are going to figure out which kids enjoy thrill seeking, and have them fix the leak in our roof. We’re saving so much money on labor, because we pay the kids in education…and fun! At least that’s what we’re telling them 😉. It’s also great experience for the kids. By the time they graduate middle school, they’ll be ready to start their own contracting business!”

Child labor laws don’t apply at this homeschool. If you’d like to hire any of the children to complete work around your home, you can contact the church at (308) 55-JESUS

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Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

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Did Chocolate Advent Calendars Come From Jesus? The Answer May Surprise You

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Man Attending Virtual Seder Spends 45 Minutes Locating Missing Afikomen

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Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.

“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.  I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”

The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”

Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”

However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”

 

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Progressive Rabbi Volunteers Synagogue Building as Newest Site for Amazon Locker

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Pensacola, FL — Since 2011, internet retailer, Amazon, has been offering off site lockers in select locations. The lockers provide an alternative to having packages delivered to your home. As package theft becomes more and more prevalent, the need for these lockers is becoming greater. While Amazon lockers are typically found in retail locations, one Rabbi in Pensacola is providing space for them in his Synagogue.

“Well, we had some empty space available in our building that wasn’t being used for anything,” Rabbi Eric Tokajer, of Brit Ahm Messianic Synagogue, explained to the Messianic Daily News. “I’m always looking for new ideas for our congregation that will catapult us into the next decade, like a men’s conference, an inter-congregational cruise, and a coffee shop called ‘Java Nagila’ that we run once a month. Having Amazon Locker in our space is a great way to get people in the door that wouldn’t otherwise be setting foot in our building. We have so many events going on during the week, it’s likely they’ll walk in to pick up their package while a Bible study, dance class, or Shabbat service is happening. The hope is that they’ll either stay for the event, or come back for a later one. It’s even better if they select our congregation on Amazon Smile; not only are their packages giving back to us financially, but we wind up with more members, because they walked in and stayed for Shabbat, when they wouldn’t normally have been here otherwise. I know it’s a real forward thinking idea. I like to consider myself pretty progressive, which is why we own our Synagogue building, instead of renting it.”

After hearing about Brit Ahm’s new idea to acquire more members from the general population, it is expected that Messianic Congregations across the county will follow suit in hosting Amazon Lockers. At press time, Brit Ahm estimates they have five new congregants from this experiment; one of which Jewish.

 

 

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