Matthew 5:17-18
West Haven, CT – A special oneg was held at Congregation Simchat Yisrael to celebrate Melissa Johnson’s six week anniversary of her fourth stint with Messianic Judaism. Johnson has been part of Messianic Judaism off and on for the past 10 years after taking a DNA test and finding Jewish roots.
“I didn’t even know I was Jewish until I was 33,” said Johnson. “Then I found out my Great Great Grandfather was actually a quarter Jewish, so I feel very connected to Judaism. The food at these congregations is great. You can never get that in a church. Plus, I’m pretty sure Jesus said something or other about Jews being chosen for something. I’m just glad to be part of it again. This feels like family!”
Johnson plans to stay at Simchat Yisrael at least through the Yom Kippur break-fast, after which she says she will ‘play it by ear.’ She is mostly committed to Messianic Judaism, but is open to any church that hosts a great annual picnic.
Washington DC- Yeshua HaMashiach, more widely known as Jesus Christ, has finally returned to Earth after a wait of more than 2000 years. “I’ve been watching this entire upcoming American Presidential Election very closely, and with Donald Trump officially being given the GOP nomination, I knew I had to step in and do something; I’m throwing my Kippah in the ring,” Yeshua stated.
Mashiach, who is running on the ticket of the newly formed Chosen Party, held a rally in Washington DC for His supporters earlier this week. “I stand for life, I stand for love, I stand for hope, I stand for forgiveness, I stand for grace, I stand for redemption, and I stand for light. If you can get behind that then I’m your man.” His short, but very impactful speech was met with thunderous applause, while Ben and Jerry’s handed out samples of their newest creation, Christ on a Graham Cracker, to hungry, but hopeful citizens at the rally.
Yeshua seemed to be a shoo-in to be the next President, until it was pointed out that He does not actually qualify to run for the position, due to the fact that He is under 35 and was not born in The U.S.
When asked to comment on what His next move was going to be, Yeshua replied, in His best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “I’ll be back.”
Los Gatos, CA- Netflix announced this week it would produce a reboot of the 1980s animated Christian children’s series The Flying House.
When asked why The Flying House was chosen for the next Netflix Original Series, Chief Content Officer, Ted Sarandos, stated: “We are trying to reboot as many canceled TV shows as possible at this point, to basically tell the networks they can stick it in their ear. What better way to do that than by reviving an obscure Christian cartoon from 1982?”
In conjunction with Pixar, the new series will be a 3D computer animated series and will be only one season long so kids and adults alike can binge watch the same 20 episodes over and over and over again.
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