Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Golde Lox and the Three Shmears

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Once upon a time there was a little Jewish girl named Golde Lox that lived in Brooklyn. Like every normal Jewish person of any age, Golde Lox loved to eat. One day Golde Lox got very hungry and there was no leftover Chinese food in the fridge, so she hopped on the F Train to go off in search of food. After getting off at the 7th Ave Station, she found three adjacent bagel shops. Of course she did, this is Brooklyn, after all.

The first bagel shop, Feigel’s Bagels, was your average, run of the mill bagel shop. Golde purchased a bagel and shmear, but the bagel was entirely too soft. “Feh!” She thought. “How can they possibly think these goyshe bagels could pass? Especially in this neighborhood. What do they take me for, a shiksa? May as well go to Stop & Shop and buy a bag of Lender’s.” So she threw the bagel on the ground for some pigeons to eat and moved on to the second shop, which was called “What Does the Lox Say?”

What Does the Lox Say? was running a special on trendy rainbow bagels, so Golde purchased a rainbow bagel with a shmear, but it was hard as a rock. “Uch!” She groaned. “What is this dreck?! This feels like a foul ball from a Mets game. I could chip my tooth on this…what are these shmendriks thinking?!” So Golde stormed out, but pocketed the overly hard bagel to throw at her conference crush’s window at a later date, to get his attention.

The third shop Golde found was called “Nes Good Dough Haya Po” and was also having a special on rainbow bagels. In addition, they carried Gluten-free, organic, and non GMO bagels too. Golde opted for an organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and checked in on Facebook to receive 10% off her order, which was still $5, even after the discount. “$5 for a bagel and a shmear?! I thought this was a bagel shop, not the Dominique Ansel Kitchen! I’m starving and just want a farkakta bagel. Oy gevalt with this city!” Nevertheless, she ate the bagel and then shrieked with glee; it was not too hard, not too soft, but just right. Like a good Jewish bagel should be.

Golde hopped back on the F train to head home, her stomach and heart full; her pockets, not so much. She went to sleep and dreamed of the organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and the aptly named bagel shop on 7th ave. A good dough miracle truly did happen there.

And she lived jappily ever after.

The end.

Beth Messiah Cincinnati to Hold First Ever Gluten Free Tashlikh Service

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Cincinnati, OH – Beth Messiah Messianic Synagogue will be holding the first ever official Gluten Free Tashlikh service this year. Tashlikh, the ceremony of using pieces of bread to cast your sins into a body of water, is performed either on Rosh Hashanah or between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Typically congregations will head immediately after the Shacharit (morning) service on Rosh Hashanah to a nearby body of water and perform this ceremony as a group. Bread is supplied, usually leaving out those who can’t or choose not to have gluten.

“We want to make sure we’re catering to everyone’s dietary restrictions,” says Youth Director, Danielah Blackburn, “but we also want to make sure we’re staying on top of trends. Right now, there is nothing trendier than being Gluten Free. Having a Gluten Free Tashlikh service will kill both of those birds with one roll. Normally our Tashlikh service is full of gluten, but now we have two options, so nobody will feel crumby if they can’t touch gluten. Our bodies actually absorb 60 percent of what our skin touches, so anyone with Celiac Disease can’t actually cast their sins away using regular bread. And that’s not fair; people with Celiac Disease should also get a chance to be inscribed in The Book of Life.”

The new Gluten Free Tashlikh service will be held on Monday, October 2, 2016 at 3pm, immediately following the Rosh Hashanah Shacharit service. Blackburn, who is Gluten Free herself, hopes other congregations will follow suit in the future, as Celiac Disease and wheat allergies are so prevalent in Jewish heritage. The new services give Beth Messiah a leg up on fresh ideas, rather than ideas that have been sitting around, never used, and have gone stale. If you would like to participate the Gluten Free service, please talk to Danielah for more information.