Category Archives: Jewish Culture

10 Minute Congregational Meeting Turns Into Four Hour Long Kvetch-Fest With a Side of Pizza

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Boca Raton, FL – What started as a 10 minute congregational meeting at Ayts Chayim this last Shabbat, turned into an all afternoon affair. Board Member, Herb Mendelsohn, called a meeting to order to brief everyone on what to expect during this upcoming High Holiday season. “The High Holidays are sneaking up on us very quickly,” stated Mendelsohn. “I mostly just wanted to make sure everyone knew when our services will be and when our sukkah is going to be built.”

The meeting took a turn for the worse when long time member, Ethel Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz raised her hand and started complaining about the lack of butter options for the challah during oneg. “We only have butter and margarine. Why don’t we have I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter?” Whined Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz. “I REALLY can’t believe it’s not butter and the challah is so dry without it.” After which another member, Morty Silvergoldgreencohn proclaimed that he was ready to leave the congregation altogether if they did not start leaving the raisins out of the kugel.

The meeting continued on like this for two hours until everyone collectively decided to order pizza because all this kvetching made them hungry. Sadly, the pizza was delivered with mushrooms on it, instead of on the side, which prolonged the end of the meeting even more. The meeting finally came to a halt after a record 4.2 hours when the food coma set in. Herb Mendelsohn and other congregational staff could not be reached for further comment.

Marty Goetz Pens New Broadway Musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat”

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Nashville, TN – Singer/Songwriter, Marty Goetz, who is often hailed as a Modern Day Psalmist, has written his first public musical. The new musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat,” will make its debut this fall. Goetz’s musical centers on a dysfunctional Jewish family in Ohio who is trying to sort out their faith as they eat their way through the Jewish holidays.

Songs include “How Many Egg Rolls Will You Eat Tonight?”, “Why Don’t Your Matzah Balls Float Like My Mother’s?”, “Chanukah Bush,” and “Cousin Mordechai is Coming to Town.” Goetz’s sure to be Tony Award winning songbook draws inspiration from Sondheim, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Adolph Green.

Goetz’s daughter, Misha, stars as Hannah, the well meaning adult daughter and Mother of three, who can’t cook her way out of a paper bag. This lighthearted, yet thought-provoking show is sure to stir up all of your emotions. Join The Goldman Family for tears, laughter, and lots of Chinese take-out, as they stumble their way through the Hebrew calendar.

Pre-Broadway previews begin on September 18th at The Playhouse Square in Cleveland. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster and MartyGoetz.com

First Fruits of Zion Releases New Messianic Jewish Version of The Torah

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Marshfield, MO – Messianic Jewish publisher First Fruits of Zion has released a new version of The Torah specifically for Messianics. “97% of American Messianics don’t read Hebrew,” says Boaz Michael, the Founder and Director of First Fruits Of Zion. “Either they weren’t raised in a synagogue at all and didn’t have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah or they were raised in a Messianic congregation that didn’t have an adequate Hebrew school. These people are missing out during their Torah services, as they aren’t actually able to read from The Torah as it is. What we’ve done here is streamline it for Non Hebrew Reading Messianics (or NHRM for short) so they can also be called to The Torah during their congregation’s Shabbat services or other holidays.”

The new version of The Torah will be entirely transliterated and have the words “lai lai lai” at the end of every Parsha passage, so that NHRM know exactly what to chant and when to stop. This will also eliminate the need for the many NHRM support groups that exist nationwide.

“The Messianic Jewish Torah” is now available to ship anywhere in The U.S. and Canada, including Alaska and Hawaii. For more information on pricing and how to obtain a copy for your congregation, please visit ffoz.org