Monthly Archives: December 2022

Church Homeschool Co-op Becomes Super Fun and Educational Sweatshop One Afternoon Per Week

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Kearney, NE — The homeschool co-op at the First Redeemer Five Square Church in Kearney, NE has come up with a more cost effective way to get urgent projects completed, by making use of skills taught to its young students. While the lack of pay technically makes this a sweatshop, the church seems to be okay with that.

“Our co-op meets one day a week,” Homeschool Mom and Pastor’s Wife, Christie-Rae Carlson, stated on an online Homeschool support forum. “We spend the morning teaching trade skills to the kids, and in the afternoon they complete projects around the church. One week they learned carpentry, and then they made some new pews for our sanctuary expansion. We taught them to sew, and now our pastors don’t have to take their clothes to the tailor anymore! They’ve learned gardening, how to clean the entire building, barista skills for our coffee shop, we’ve got a farm on the property, and they learned how to butcher a cow so they can run our upcoming church butcher shop. We learned about plumbing the week the toilets all got clogged. And next week we are going to figure out which kids enjoy thrill seeking, and have them fix the leak in our roof. We’re saving so much money on labor, because we pay the kids in education…and fun! At least that’s what we’re telling them 😉. It’s also great experience for the kids. By the time they graduate middle school, they’ll be ready to start their own contracting business!”

Child labor laws don’t apply at this homeschool. If you’d like to hire any of the children to complete work around your home, you can contact the church at (308) 55-JESUS

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Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

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Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

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First Time Youth Group Attendee Accepts Jesus After Rousing Game of Murder and Lies

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Salem, OR — 15 year old high school student, Jax Swantzenborg, was greeted with a surprise after going with his crush to her youth group at a local church on Sunday night. The evening began with a number of group members engaging in a game called “Mafia,” in which participants feign killing each other off, until only one team remains. What started as an innocent role playing game, ended in a teenager receiving eternal salvation.

“I had no idea Jesus was so cool!” Swantzenborg posted in a TikTok video. “Christians at school have always told me I’m a sinner and need to repent so that I don’t burst into flames, but now I see that Jesus is actually totally cool with me deceiving people and then killing them. I especially enjoyed killing off Madison’s boyfriend, and I can’t wait to put this into practice in my real life! Thank You, Jesus, for showing me the way!”

While Swantzenborg had the right idea by accepting Jesus into his heart, he thankfully has people in his life that are able to guide him in the right direction, and explain that just because it’s okay to play a game at church involving murder and lies, doesn’t mean it’s okay to participate in that out in the world. We are called to be a light to the world, and the practices in this common youth group game don’t translate that very well.

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Did Chocolate Advent Calendars Come From Jesus? The Answer May Surprise You

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Nope.

Dog Anointed With Oil Becomes Powerful Ruler Over 3 Bed 2 Bath House With Attached Garage

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Wichita Falls, TX — A local four year old rescued Golden Retriever has unexpectedly become a powerful ruler over his suburban household this week, after being anointed with myrrh oil, imported from Jerusalem. Now known to his family and neighbors as “King Rex,” the blonde canine is enjoying his new life ruling over his human parents and siblings, after previously just being treated as a very good boy.

“Rexy Boy…erm, sorry, I mean…King Rex, was havin’ almost daily anxiety attacks, and I tried evrythang to calm him down, and ain’t nothin’ worked,” Rex’s previous owner/current servant, who asked to just be referred to as Bertha, told us in an interview. “I needed The Holy Spirit’s help with this problem, and I reckon it worked a little too well, and his position in our home became significantly elevated. Now instead of listenin’ to my commands, Rex is the one in charge. We have to drop evrythang for him. If he wants a treat, we have to get him a treat. If he wants to drank from the toilet, we have to let him drank from the toilet. And, he said he’s no longer allowed to have baths. Jesus help us; trackin’ mud and dead bunny guts all over my canary yellow shag carpet! If I wanted to be a slave to my pet, I would’ve just gotten a cat.”

At press time, King Rex plans to continue ruling over his three bed two bath house with attached garage for the next 6-8 years. He is currently enjoying being the head of the family. When asked what his favorite part of his new role is, Rex simply replied, “WOOF!”

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