Category Archives: Sports

Messianic Moon Colony Will Send Teams to the 2024 Olympics; Hopes to Host One Day

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Murca – The new Messianic Moon Colony, which was just announced publicly yesterday, is now saying they will have enough athletes to participate in the 2024 Summer Olympics and hope to host, themselves, one day. In light of the recent announcement, the colony seems very ambitious on what the future holds for them.

“We already know we have athletes that can compete in equestrian, weightlifting, water polo, softball, and surfing,” said colony representative Rabbi David Chernoff. “We’re going to just start with a few sports, and, as our colony gains momentum, we can start training kids when they’re young for various sports and eventually we’ll throw our yarmulkes in the ring to host someday. We certainly have plenty of acreage that we can build an arena on.”

The Moon colony will likely be competing against Israel in certain Olympic events, but they see it as a chance to get to know the Israeli athletes, start a relationship, and introduce them to Yeshua. They are also hoping that eating will one day be an Olympic sport; one they can truly excel at.

Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue to Roll Out New Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers

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Dallas, TX – It was announced this week that Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue in Dallas would be producing new pumpkin spice flavored communion wafers, just in time for the fall season. The new wafers don’t pair particularly well with grape juice, but they do pair well with current trends in the first world.

“We want to make sure we are keeping up with nationwide trends so that we can stay relevant,” said Rabbi Ari Waldman of Baruch HaShem. Waldman, who is currently pulling double duty as the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance, as well as the head coach of The Dallas Brisket, said the idea came to him in a pumpkin spice latte induced dream late last year. “We don’t actually have fall weather here in Dallas, but we like to pretend that we do. The best way to do that is to just binge on pumpkin spice everything. Something about doing that just makes the air feel a little more crisp than the 75º that it normally is.”

The new communion wafers will be produced and distributed in conjunction with the Gateway Church Jewish Ministry and will be available starting Monday, August 29th via both Gateway Church and the Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue Judaica Shop. The wafers will be available both online and in person and can be purchased in bulk by any church or synagogue wanting to spice up their communion service. Literally.

National Messianic Softball League to Hold Tryouts for Inaugural Season

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Nationwide – The newly formed National Messianic Softball League will be holding tryouts throughout the country for its inaugural season.

Tryouts will be held in various cities across America for the following 12 teams:

The Florida Feigenbaums

The Chicago Shlemazls

The Los Angeles Latkes

The Dallas Brisket

The Houston Hummus

The Philadelphia Phosphates

The New York Corned Beef and Swiss on Rye with Russian Dressing on the Side

The Seattle Chametz

The Atlanta Mylanta

The Mid-Atlantic MLR

The Arizona Afternoon Naps

and The Ohio Ohios

Teams will travel across the country to play against each other during the regular season, which will take place April 16th, 2017- June 30th, 2017. The championship game will be held on Starry Field at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania on July 4th, 2017 at 2:13pm JST (Jewish Standard Time). What better way to celebrate America’s birthday than with America’s favorite pastime wannabe?

The winning team will receive the coveted “Golden Kugel” and all other players will receive a participation trophy. Great season, guys!