Category Archives: Terrorism

Apple in Hot Water Over Hamas Emoji

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Cupertino, CA —- Technology giant, Apple, Inc, has come under fire this week, after its alleged ninja emoji is said to appear to look like a member of the Palestinian terror group, Hamas. With the war at hand, and an unprecedented rise in global antisemitism, it’s now more important than ever for Apple to make sure they’re not alienating any of their customers.

In the past, Apple has made changes to its emoji catalogue after public outcry, including redesigning the handgun to look like a squirt gun, and adding a pregnant man. A petition to remove the Hamas doppelgänger is available on change.org and has over two million signatures. At press time, Apple could not be reached for comment.

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Popular Texas Grocery Chain H-E-B Changes Name to P-A-L After Global Rise in Antisemitism

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San Antonio, TX — A local supermarket chain, now previously known as H-E-B, announced tonight they are changing their name, after a recent rise in antisemitism has caused some negative responses to their well known brand. H-E-B’s Public Relations Representative, Peter McPeterson, gave a press conference tonight on the matter.

“For many years, H-E-B has been confused as a Jewish company, as people think the name is pronounced ‘Heeb,’ short for ‘Hebrew.’ After the events of the past month, tonight, I can say, with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, that we are distancing ourselves from the Hebrews, which is why we have decided to change our name to P-A-L. This doesn’t stand for anything, it just means we are your pal. Unless you’re Jewish, of course. Then we are not your pal. You can go shop at Trader Jew’s. Subsequently, our mascot’s name will also be changing from H-E-Buddy to H-E-Pal, because he is also your pal. Yes that’s what the new name means. We are pals.”

McPeterson said the name change will be effective immediately, with store signage modifications and re-branding happening throughout the week. Gift cards and rewards will still be accepted. A 23 and Me DNA test will be given at the door for anyone wishing to shop there.

MasterClass Announces New Course: Hamas Teaches Gaslighting

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San Francisco, CA — The online education service, MasterClass, announced this week it would soon offer a new course on gaslighting, taught by prominent leaders of the terrorist organization, Hamas. Hamas, whose vanguards live luxurious lives in Dubai, while their people live in poverty and squalor in the Gaza Strip, are master gaslighters. The 10 part course will be taught by Hamas media representative, Mohammed Al-Mohammed, and comes with a free 30 minute trial.

An excerpt from Al-Mohammed’s class:

“Gaslighting, it so easy.

Step 1) Choose a religion. Any religion. Learn all of their laws. Any time anyone accuses you of breaking any of the laws, just say you obviously didn’t do it, because you don’t break the laws of that religion. Nobody will question this.

Step 2) Point out there is no evidence of what they say you did. Nobody will search for any. They just take your word for it.

Step 3) Blame the Jews. Always blame the Jews. Everyone hates the Jews, so this will win anyone over. Even Jews hate other Jews. Just look at Ben and Jerry’s or Bernie Sanders!

For me, it also helps I visited the United States in college to attend Harvard University for theatre. I would say it has helped me be more convincing.”

After high demand, ‘Hamas Teaches Gaslighting’ will be the first course available for MasterClass New Zealand, beginning next month.