Jeff Seif Gets Knighted, Becomes Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif

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Dallas, TX – On a recent trip to Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, Rabbi Dr. Jeffrey Seif participated in a knighting ceremony, in which he was dubbed “Sir Jeffrey of Multiple Talents and Professions.” Seif, who is also an active Police Officer and a Professor at Kings University, somehow still has time in his life to enjoy dinner and a show.

“So I lead a congregation, teach, fight crime, save lives, coordinate bible translations, speak at every single convention, conference, and retreat I’m asked, and sometimes I like to joust. Nu?” Seif was heard to say. “Sleep? Never heard of it! Really, at this point, I’m just trying to collect titles. I like to stand out from the crowd. Besides, I kind of like the idea of a Rabbi in shining armor!”

Self’s future plans include law school and a certificate in accounting, but for now he said he just wants to focus on molding the minds of the future titleholders of tomorrow. His wife, Barri, also asked that she now be addressed as Dr. Mrs. Sir Officer Rabbi Dr. Professor Seif.

Local Woman Celebrates Six Week Anniversary of Fourth Stint with Messianic Judaism

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West Haven, CT – A special oneg was held at Congregation Simchat Yisrael to celebrate Melissa Johnson’s six week anniversary of her fourth stint with Messianic Judaism. Johnson has been part of Messianic Judaism off and on for the past 10 years after taking a DNA test and finding Jewish roots.

“I didn’t even know I was Jewish until I was 33,” said Johnson. “Then I found out my Great Great Grandfather was actually a quarter Jewish, so I feel very connected to Judaism. The food at these congregations is great. You can never get that in a church. Plus, I’m pretty sure Jesus said something or other about Jews being chosen for something. I’m just glad to be part of it again. This feels like family!”

Johnson plans to stay at Simchat Yisrael at least through the Yom Kippur break-fast, after which she says she will ‘play it by ear.’ She is mostly committed to Messianic Judaism, but is open to any church that hosts a great annual picnic.

Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf to Form First Ever All Female Messianic Pop Super Group “The Havdalah Spice Girls”

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Nashville, TN – It was announced this week that five of the leading female vocalists in Messianic Judaism would be joining together to form a new all female pop super group called “The Havdalah Spice Girls.” Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf have each seen individual success in their own way, but collectively decided they would be able to make a bigger statement by combining forces.

“The Messianic Music scene is very male dominated,” stated Chernoff. “We want to change that.  My Dad [Joel Chernoff] helped pave the way for Messianic music and Sharon [Wilbur, née Chernoff] and I were very blessed to grow up around that. Now we want to continue paving that way for women in the movement. We’ve had a lot of fun working together and have even given each other new nicknames: Beckah is Mama Spice, Sharon is Famous Spice, Misha is Shy Spice, Rebecca is Dancer Spice, and I’m Cute-as-a-button Spice!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls will incorporate singing, dancing choreogaphed by Rudolf, and lots of fashion tips for adoring fans. They are scheduled to perform at Messiah ’17 and AMF 2.0. Their first album “Besamim” will be available on iTunes later this year. You can also catch Misha in her Broadway debut this fall in the new musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”

10 Minute Congregational Meeting Turns Into Four Hour Long Kvetch-Fest With a Side of Pizza

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Boca Raton, FL – What started as a 10 minute congregational meeting at Ayts Chayim this last Shabbat, turned into an all afternoon affair. Board Member, Herb Mendelsohn, called a meeting to order to brief everyone on what to expect during this upcoming High Holiday season. “The High Holidays are sneaking up on us very quickly,” stated Mendelsohn. “I mostly just wanted to make sure everyone knew when our services will be and when our sukkah is going to be built.”

The meeting took a turn for the worse when long time member, Ethel Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz raised her hand and started complaining about the lack of butter options for the challah during oneg. “We only have butter and margarine. Why don’t we have I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter?” Whined Rosenzimmermansteinbergwitz. “I REALLY can’t believe it’s not butter and the challah is so dry without it.” After which another member, Morty Silvergoldgreencohn proclaimed that he was ready to leave the congregation altogether if they did not start leaving the raisins out of the kugel.

The meeting continued on like this for two hours until everyone collectively decided to order pizza because all this kvetching made them hungry. Sadly, the pizza was delivered with mushrooms on it, instead of on the side, which prolonged the end of the meeting even more. The meeting finally came to a halt after a record 4.2 hours when the food coma set in. Herb Mendelsohn and other congregational staff could not be reached for further comment.

Worship Band Accidentally Mistakes Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” for Old Liberated Wailing Wall Tune

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Irvine, CA – The worship band at Shuvah Yisrael played “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel last Shabbat. The song was played immediately after a classic Paul Wilbur song and brought the worship session to a screeching halt; what would normally be a sweet time to connect with The Lord was met with boos and a cacophony of angry shofar blowing by crestfallen congregants.

When asked why she chose this song, 23 year old worship leader, Kaily Teeter, said, “I honestly thought it was a Liberated Wailing Wall song from the 70s! The folkiness of the song and the lai lai lais—-what else could it possibly be? My boyfriend, Mark, and I are making an album where we bring life into old worship songs and I was just trying to get in touch with our ancestors that played on The Wall to help us prepare for recording the album. Normally my song choices are really well received, but I never even imagined a song with lai lai lai in it would be a secular song by Simon and…who?”

Some say it was an ill timed publicity stunt to help raise funds for Kaily’s upcoming album (www.indiegogo.com/projects/mark-and-kaily-are-making-an-album-music-help#/), while others just blame millennials for anything they possibly can. Nevertheless, Rabbi Larry Feldman said he would have counselors readily available to be a bridge over troubled water for anyone traumatized by this incident.

New Non Partisan Messianic Conference for Those Who Like Attending Messianic Conferences to Take Place This Summer

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Orlando, FL – A new Messianic conference will take place this summer for those who like attending Messianic Conferences. The aptly named “Conference Conference” will be an annual event the week prior to Messiah Conference.

“Messianic Judaism doesn’t have enough conferences, especially in the Orlando area,” stated Conference Conference Founder and Organizer, Stephanie Escalante. “This conference will be different than all the others, however. The workshops offered here will strictly be about how to choose the activities you participate in at the conferences you attend. We will go over the differences between all the Messianic conferences offered, how to choose which Rabbi you want to hear speak, how to choose between Davidic Dancing and Krav Maga, which kind of shofar or tambourine to bring to the evening sessions, how to choose a conference crush (CC) if you’re single, and we’ll even have a panel on how to choose your entree for the conference Shabbat meals. We’ll also be giving everyone a punch card…if you attend 10 other Messianic conferences between the 2017 Conference Conference and the 2018 Conference Conference, you will get half price admission for the 2018 Conference Conference! It can be any 10 Messianic conferences, including, but not limited to Messiah Conference, The UMJC International Conference, Daughters of Righteousness Conference, Meuchad Worship Conference, any YMJA Retreat, The ARCH Leadership Summit, Any MJAA Regional Conference, Muchan, any Jews for Jesus Ingathering, MLR, and even AMF 2.0!”

Conference Conference will take place June 22-25, 2017 at the Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando. Early bird registration starts at just $89 per person. Please call (605) 475-6968 to register.

 

UPDATE: We have just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference. Unfortunately, the Conference Conference punch cards will not be valid for said event afterall.

UMJC, MJAA Create Joint Facebook Account to Show Everyone How Much They Love Each Other

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Los Angeles, CA/Springfield, PA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations and The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America have joined forces for a second time, this time on Facebook. The two largest governing bodies in Messianic Judaism AKA “rival gangs” have decided to turn over a new leaf and become one. The UMJC and MJAA have created a joint Facebook account under the name “UMJC-MJAA Yeshua.”

“We’ve each deleted our respective accounts and created this new one,” stated UMJC-MJAA Yeshua, via Facebook chat. “We just love each other so much and the best way to show that to the world is to just share a Facebook account. We all know only those who are secure in their relationships share a Facebook account, and, boy are we secure in this relationship! Plus, we have so many mutual friends and shared interests, it just makes sense; we both love Ted Pearce, we both love food, and we even share some of the same Rabbis. It’s actually kind of a waste of space to have separate accounts at this point. We’re no longer individual organizations, but now we’re one and the same. And we do plan to have some fun with this as well. You’ll never know which one of us you’re getting when you Facebook message us! Who am I—-UMJC or MJAA? Do I want to study Torah or pray in tongues? Do I want to smoke a cigar or eat some ice cream? Do I want to be in a band that shares a name with a farm animal or do I want to save a country in Africa? You’ll never know!”

The UMJC and MJAA ask that their loyal fans now only communicate with them through this joint Facebook account in order to promote unity. If you make donations to either organization, please forward your credit card info to the new account in order to continue donating.

Marty Goetz Pens New Broadway Musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat”

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Nashville, TN – Singer/Songwriter, Marty Goetz, who is often hailed as a Modern Day Psalmist, has written his first public musical. The new musical “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat,” will make its debut this fall. Goetz’s musical centers on a dysfunctional Jewish family in Ohio who is trying to sort out their faith as they eat their way through the Jewish holidays.

Songs include “How Many Egg Rolls Will You Eat Tonight?”, “Why Don’t Your Matzah Balls Float Like My Mother’s?”, “Chanukah Bush,” and “Cousin Mordechai is Coming to Town.” Goetz’s sure to be Tony Award winning songbook draws inspiration from Sondheim, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and Adolph Green.

Goetz’s daughter, Misha, stars as Hannah, the well meaning adult daughter and Mother of three, who can’t cook her way out of a paper bag. This lighthearted, yet thought-provoking show is sure to stir up all of your emotions. Join The Goldman Family for tears, laughter, and lots of Chinese take-out, as they stumble their way through the Hebrew calendar.

Pre-Broadway previews begin on September 18th at The Playhouse Square in Cleveland. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster and MartyGoetz.com

National Messianic Softball League to Hold Tryouts for Inaugural Season

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Nationwide – The newly formed National Messianic Softball League will be holding tryouts throughout the country for its inaugural season.

Tryouts will be held in various cities across America for the following 12 teams:

The Florida Feigenbaums

The Chicago Shlemazls

The Los Angeles Latkes

The Dallas Brisket

The Houston Hummus

The Philadelphia Phosphates

The New York Corned Beef and Swiss on Rye with Russian Dressing on the Side

The Seattle Chametz

The Atlanta Mylanta

The Mid-Atlantic MLR

The Arizona Afternoon Naps

and The Ohio Ohios

Teams will travel across the country to play against each other during the regular season, which will take place April 16th, 2017- June 30th, 2017. The championship game will be held on Starry Field at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania on July 4th, 2017 at 2:13pm JST (Jewish Standard Time). What better way to celebrate America’s birthday than with America’s favorite pastime wannabe?

The winning team will receive the coveted “Golden Kugel” and all other players will receive a participation trophy. Great season, guys!

First Fruits of Zion Releases New Messianic Jewish Version of The Torah

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Marshfield, MO – Messianic Jewish publisher First Fruits of Zion has released a new version of The Torah specifically for Messianics. “97% of American Messianics don’t read Hebrew,” says Boaz Michael, the Founder and Director of First Fruits Of Zion. “Either they weren’t raised in a synagogue at all and didn’t have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah or they were raised in a Messianic congregation that didn’t have an adequate Hebrew school. These people are missing out during their Torah services, as they aren’t actually able to read from The Torah as it is. What we’ve done here is streamline it for Non Hebrew Reading Messianics (or NHRM for short) so they can also be called to The Torah during their congregation’s Shabbat services or other holidays.”

The new version of The Torah will be entirely transliterated and have the words “lai lai lai” at the end of every Parsha passage, so that NHRM know exactly what to chant and when to stop. This will also eliminate the need for the many NHRM support groups that exist nationwide.

“The Messianic Jewish Torah” is now available to ship anywhere in The U.S. and Canada, including Alaska and Hawaii. For more information on pricing and how to obtain a copy for your congregation, please visit ffoz.org