Millennials Re-Tell Bible Stories: Jonah and the Big Ass Fish

 

Jonah 1

So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.

But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.

“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.

God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.

Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.

The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”

Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was. 

Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.

“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”

Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,

 

“My name is Jonah

And I am a Jew

I worship Adonai

And you should too!”

 

The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.

They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.

But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.

So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.

They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.

Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.

 

Jonah 2

So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.

And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,

 

“Love me, love me, say that You love me,

           I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.

I’m not sick, but I’m not well,

           And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.

Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,

            I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,

     Tonight and the rest of my life.

Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,

            Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.

I get knocked down, but I get up again,

            They’re never gonna keep me down.

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?

            What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,

            Life is demanding without understanding.

Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,

            And after all, You’re my wonderwall.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,

            You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,

      I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.

I wanna stand with You on a mountain,

           I wanna lay like this forever,

      Until the sky falls down on me.”

 

Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.

 

Jonah 3

So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”

And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.

Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”

And the people of Nineveh got woke. 

Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.

When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.

And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.

 

Jonah 4

So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.

“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”

And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.

And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.

Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.

But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.

Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.

And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.

And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.

And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”

 

 

 

***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.

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